This is a guest blog submitted by bananas.My boyfriend is going to study abroad for a semester next year. Initially, when I received this news, I was a bit surprised and depressed about it, but other than the fact that I'd miss him, I was completely fine with it. Going to places while studying in university is a pretty common thing, and I trust that he'll be faithful to me.
Up to this point of our relationship, things have been great. I consider our love to be pretty deep. We're a very compatible couple and we cherish what we have. When we go out, I love how he's the one who pays for everything, even though I knew from the start that he wasn't wealthy or anything.
However, last night he dropped a bomb and told me that he wanted to take a relationship hiatus.
I asked him why he wanted to do that and he said, "I really need to save up.
If I want to go, I need to work twice as much to generate the money. Plus, I won't be able to spend any of it on you, and I don't wanna seem like a cheap, stingy boyfriend."
He's a full-time student (just like I am), so his studies would be an issue that conflicts with the time we'd be able to spend together. There is both a financial situation AND a problem with time.
I told him that I didn't care that he couldn't spend much on me. I suggested that the situation isn't so desperate to the point where we have to take a break. Our deal now is to spend less time together. We'll still talk on the phone, but instead of seeing each other once a week, we may see each other once every three to four weeks. I also suggested that when we ARE able to be together, we find ways to save (that includes going dutch when paying for stuff or bringing food from home).
Ever since I let all this sink in, it made me realize how much our activities involved money. Now that there isn't much of it, we're limited as to what we can do. So how much is a relationship dependent on money? Is money a significant factor in experiencing the ultimate "coupledom"? Are there any alternatives to take if a couple wants to save money and still have fun?
Comments (66)
yes, money is really important, it is necessary in every relationship.
i agree with Doragrace, how could ppl dump their bf/gf if they didnt get that degree or whatsoever. This is so ridiculous. I think it is only his problem, he didnt know how to balance. He should have thought of that before, he shouldnt dump her gf juz becuz of they spent too much time on dating.
there are soo many things to do that dont cost money!!! plan to cook a meal together, somthing neither of you knows how to make, play board/card games, chess is great, rent movies, spending time together should be about sharing experiences, ideas, knowing each other better...un like goin to the movies where the main focus is usually watching the movie.
@sheilster@xanga - I concur.
I can't believe money is such an issue in a relationship that young... you can still spend time together without spending money, just as others have suggested. Figure something out, be creative.
It's kind of--I take that back--really stupid to put a relationship on break just because he doesn't have money to spend on you.
But in any case, I support your relationship, and I wish the best. My boyfriend is also studying abroad for this coming semester, and I'm also trusting of him. You can do it! :)
P.S. Money is important in this crappy economy, but don't listen to others about how super important it is in relationships. It is not absolutely necessary. You can work around it. You both just have to try.
Do you want to save yourself?
I have many airsoft gun/combat gear
it's okay for U to pay for things once in awhile too. don't expect others to pay for u all the time.
There are plenty of things you guys can do together that doesn't require spending a lot of money.
- Go to the library and borrow a dvd instead of going to the movies
- Spend less on food by ordering out instead of going to a fancy restaurant
-Go to late night or any activities that his university organizes ( most of the time these activities are free)
Going dutch isn't a bad idea. This is typically the American way of handling things. It's also not a bad idea to pay for the whole meal sometimes since he has done his part on treating you.
Perhaps its a good idea to make a budget and spend only that amount for the week. This way your spending won't get out of control and your boyfriend will be more at ease. He won't feel that he must compromise this relationship because of monetary problems.
Wow... In my opinion, some of the best times i have had with my significant other, were times when we did things together that cost zilch! Staying home to watch a movie, taking a bike ride together, having a simple picnic in the park, going to the zoo, or museum... There are so many things you can do together that will mean much more if you focus on the simplicity, and not the cost of the restaurant or the price of the gift that was given.
Sounds to me like he may have been using that as an excuse to break it off...
we're both big on sleeping, and it's completely free for us to just take a nap together! haha, but other than that...
my boyfriend works at a movie theater, and he can get us in for free, so we watch movies, go to hulu.com and watch movies online when we feel like cooking... and yes, i think cooking is both romantic and cheaper than eating out.
take a walk in the park, go on the swings, feel like dorks together and go down the slide... it's free. :)
if you go for dessert at icecream/frozen yogurt, get a large and share it--it's cheaper and you eat out of the same bowl, so it's more romantic!
rent a movie and watch it at home, over a homecooked meal.
@OhItzJustMe@xanga - "some of the best times i have had with my significant other, were times when we did things together that cost zilch" Exactly, while the expensive dates were nice, the most memorable and most fun have been the free ones.
Now to give some more ideas that haven't already been stated. All of which were excellent btw. If you life in a snow infested region as I do, making a snowman, sledding, drifting in empty parking lots (heh heh), or ice skating. Basically what it comes down to is find a free version of the things you already do and explore new ideas that you may be interested in.
But to cut things off like that soon before a trip abroad seems a wee bit suspicious. It is this line of thinking that get's me into trouble just as much as it prevents it however
Yes, dating is expensive in both time and money, ladies! I expect this phenomenon to increase as the economy gets worse! Better to CyberDate, have cybersex, cook at home, and just have sex...it's free!
xoxo, NikkiJane
www.Dani-Apgar.com
That's a bit ridiculous.
initially it's good for her to let him pay for everything. it kind of gives him an ego boost and shows him that you are comfortable with him taking the tab for everything. however, after you've been dating for a while, it's nice if the girl offers to pay too. guys go broke very quickly once they start a relationship and it's amazing how quickly money starts to vanish. ladies, if you love us help us out. pick up the tab every once in a while. we might protest initially, but if we're in a crappy financial situation, we'll appreciate it.
Sounds like an excuse to me, "money".
Money may facilitate a relationship, I don't believe that it actually breaks one, especially seeing that his money problem is only temporary.
Money complicates relationships BUT I wouldn't say a relationship thrives on money. Unless the other party is high maintenance or god forbid, a gold digger.
you dont need to spend money to enjoy spending time with someone.
study together, go on bike rides or walks in a park, etc...plenty of stuff to do without spending a dime.
i live with my bf and there are things like renting movies and staying in that are cheap and in doing so, we get to spend lots of time together. when we do have the money.. we do go out to the theatres, arcade, bars, clubs, etc. i don't mind it at all, i love the guy. money's important but happiness is the more important thing..
I think money is very important in a relationship, if it's a marriage--you have to be able to support yourselves and your kids, if you have them. Also, it depends on your lifestyle--if you are the kind of couple that prefers to go out all the time or you have to because there is no privacy at either of your houses, you'll need money to support that.Â
Contrary to what most people said, I am an old-fashioned girl myself and I don't think you're being selfish at all by letting him pay for things. I've actually had friends who wouldn't let me pay for stuff, because paying for me made them feel good. If you want to pay for something, or you think it would change his mind if you contributed more financially, then go for it. If not, that's fine--that is between you and him.Â
Also, I have to agree with the others in that it sounds like there is a much bigger issue here. There are tons of things you can do for free, and you can always just spend more time hanging out at home. Even doing mundane things together can be fun (I have fond memories of trips to WalMart). So if he is really ending your relationship over those two things, something else is up.
@sheilster@xanga - Instead of criticizing me, why not answer the questions to my post? I'm only setting my experience as an example for everyone else to reflect upon it, so I would appreciate it if you didn't go on an angle to judge me like that.
The reason why he's been paying for everything is because he makes a lot more money than I do. He has a great job (that doesn't require that much work while he's there) and he gets paid more. Up to this point, financial problems haven't been an issue for him. Now that it is an issue, we have compromised that I pay as well.
@MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio@xanga - Thanks for the suggestions! They seem to be plausible and helpful :).
@jeweliette@xanga - I don't think it goes beyond that. If he didn't wanna deal with all this, he could've just broken up with me instead of wanting to go "hiatus". But he didn't, and he told me he didn't wanna lose me because of this difficulty.
@still_standing - I have paid for movies we've seen. But I think that's it ><.
@krispylicious@xanga - Aww thanks. Best comment so far...
@AznShyKitty@xanga - Thanks for insight. I hope I can be as strong as you are when my boyfriend's away.
@yakko1@xanga - I'm not taking advantage of his generosity. The thing is, I've been pretty ignorant about how he pays and how I never pay. Plus, he has told me he wants to feel like "the man" in the relationship so he goes out of his way to pay anyway. Now that you mention it, maybe it has gone overboard in how he contributes so much more. Maybe I will treat him to go out when we have the time.
I'll be more conscious of these situations now...
@AdiOpERsOcoM@xanga - Thanks for the comment. I appreciate everything you wrote!