This is a guest blog submitted by bananas.My boyfriend is going to study abroad for a semester next year. Initially, when I received this news, I was a bit surprised and depressed about it, but other than the fact that I'd miss him, I was completely fine with it. Going to places while studying in university is a pretty common thing, and I trust that he'll be faithful to me.
Up to this point of our relationship, things have been great. I consider our love to be pretty deep. We're a very compatible couple and we cherish what we have. When we go out, I love how he's the one who pays for everything, even though I knew from the start that he wasn't wealthy or anything.
However, last night he dropped a bomb and told me that he wanted to take a relationship hiatus.
I asked him why he wanted to do that and he said, "I really need to save up.
If I want to go, I need to work twice as much to generate the money. Plus, I won't be able to spend any of it on you, and I don't wanna seem like a cheap, stingy boyfriend."
He's a full-time student (just like I am), so his studies would be an issue that conflicts with the time we'd be able to spend together. There is both a financial situation AND a problem with time.
I told him that I didn't care that he couldn't spend much on me. I suggested that the situation isn't so desperate to the point where we have to take a break. Our deal now is to spend less time together. We'll still talk on the phone, but instead of seeing each other once a week, we may see each other once every three to four weeks. I also suggested that when we ARE able to be together, we find ways to save (that includes going dutch when paying for stuff or bringing food from home).
Ever since I let all this sink in, it made me realize how much our activities involved money. Now that there isn't much of it, we're limited as to what we can do. So how much is a relationship dependent on money? Is money a significant factor in experiencing the ultimate "coupledom"? Are there any alternatives to take if a couple wants to save money and still have fun?
Comments (66)
I think you made very selfless proposals and sacrifices on your part to accommodate for his situation.
If your love was as deep as you thought it was, he would have talked to you about compromises to make things work rather than automatically "dropping a bomb" on you.
Is money important? AbsoLUTELY. Is it everything? Definitely not. Can you have a fantastic relationship without it? Of course. That being said, as always, it depends on the couple. It important that there are matching EXPECTATIONS, and financial is a huge one. If your expectations don't match, then figure out a way to get them as close as possible, or it will eat away at your relationship. That being said, I'm sure you'll get a lot of fun free (or nearly so) ideas from the great readers here! I'll throw out:
Picnic in the park
Drive away from town (somewhere safe) and watch the stars. Bring ONE sleeping bag (and a thick blanket if it's cold)
Arts and crafts
MUCH MUCH MORE. I look forward to seeing some other people's favorites...
I really don't think that money is that big of an issue. I mean, sure, once people run out of money, it's harder to go out and do things, but I took that as the opportunity to get to know my boyfriend better. We spend a lot more time just talking to each other and things like that. We also go on walks and whatnot.
Also, you should pay for things. I had to talk to my boyfriend about this also, but it really isn't that big of a deal if you are WILLING to do it. Sometimes it helps every once in a while to pitch in, and then maybe your boyfriend won't feel as though he has to take a break because he can't pay for stuff. It might bring him some ease :D
Good luck!
since my bf and i are trying to save money and spend money only if we must. we used to go movies and have dinner at those expensive restaurants, and bought whatever we felt like.
i do treat my bf sometimes too so it's not only him paying for everything which is fair. it makes them feel good too because its not only him spluring the money on dates and whatnot.
now, we cook and eat at home rather than doing the whole dinner at restaurants thing. we go movies but not too often and/or rent or buy movies to watch depending on deals.
since it is winter, we enjoy staying indoors and watching movies together or doing nothing.
He's been paying for everything? It's time for you to pay for everything, not "go dutch" -- that's really selfish of you to even suggest!
And I think he should have told you about the money and not make it the reason for a break.
Im pretty sure its possible together and not go to a lot of places they cost money.
Xo
I went through a similar situation just this last year. My boyfriend is currently studying abroad in London and he's doing it for 9 months. (He's been there since September and won't be coming home until June.)
I knew from the start that he wasn't wealthy and that he had to save tons of money. At the time, I'd offer to pay (but he felt really bad) so eventually, we found ways where we could spend time together and not spend money. Most of the time, he'd come over or I'd go over to his place and we'll pop in a movie or that we'll watch youtube videos online or mess around Facebook signing people's walls as if he was me or that I was him. I don't know, I got to spend a great amount of quality time with him...priceless! I'm sure you and your boyfriend can, too. Just suggest priceless activies: playing boardgames, online games, video games or something...I don't know. Find something that you both can obviously do together and not spend money at all.
My boyfriend's grateful for what I've done and he really appreciates it...I'm sure yours can too if he can see that you're doing the best you can to help him with his part to study abroad.
When I was dating my husband, we took turn paying on our dates since we couldn't stay at home and just chill since we didn't have any privacy at either of our places. Now that we're married, we still take turns paying for each other whenever we want to go out for lunch/dinner, watch a movie, or to just hang out with our friends. Since your bf is trying to save up to study aboard, go out less than you two usually do or if not necessarily. When you two do go out, offer to pay. Just because he's the man and he offers to pay on every date don't mean you should take advantage of it. Sometimes guys love it when a girl can be independent or initiate to pay for some dates. If they don't ask, it don't mean that they secretly don't want you to. Do it sometimes and it'll earn you kudos from them.
I don't see the problem why you two would be on a break because of the finance issue. I think it goes beyond that. Since he's been paying for every date so far, maybe the finance has became a bigger issue on him than before - probably because now he "expect" himself to pay for every date. Not only that, but since he's a full time student and is going to work twice as much, he won't have anytime to spend it with you either. Who knows? Maybe all of this had become too much for him to handle all at once.
This is just a thought but if you are working also, you could save a bit and surprise him with it. This is something I would do for someone I care about. It may not be a lot but hey, sharing is caring. =)
..and going dutch, that's just greedy coming from your side.
Money is a necessary factor in a relationship, at least for me because my parents aren't going to shell out money just so I can go see a movie with my boyfriend. I don't necessarily care whether he's rich or poor but he needs to have some sort of income because most of my money is tied up in college and other bills that I have somehow managed to generate and I cannot pay for all of his expenses that he may decide to generate. To save money, we most just sit at his or my house or go up to his grandparents (weird, yes. Don't ask). It's all about spending some quality time together for him and I.
having money can be just as boring as not having it.
Love thrives on creativity.
my ex thought he paid for stuff too much, so i pay for stuff with my current bf and it's all good. Seriously though, that sounds like a BS reason on its own for "taking a break" or whatever.
I have a couple theories -
1) There's a bigger problem than finances and your bf is using it as an excuse to take a break from the relationship. If he really loved you, why would he even want to take a break? He could have just had a talk with you about how he needs to save for his semester abroad and that he hopes you understand that he can't pay for everything anymore.
2) You mentioned how you love that he pays for everything. I bet that attitude got conveyed to him since the beginning of the relationship and so he thinks that's pretty important to you. Not sure if he always pays b/c he insists or what, but don't become one of those girls who never offer to pay b/c that's rude. And he can still be the man if you treat once in awhile.
Gluck w/the LDR!
i think its good he was honest about the relationship. I like how you brought up compromises. U may have to work things out more whether it is more deep rooted than those.
@MarchingDuck@xanga - well said!
Aw come on now.. this isn't the old ages. Learn to pay up! I don't have a job, but I make sure that I'm not ridiculously leeching off my boyfriend. He's not my sugar daddy. And I try to pay for him and myself every so often.
We rarely go out to watch movies, eat at fancy dinners or anything so heavily dependent on money. Here are some ideas that don't require much, or nothing at all:
go window shopping
try on funny outfits while you're there
go walk around the city, take pictures everywhere, pretend you're tourists
read in a corner of barnes&noble
whip out old board games
make your own board games
cook meals together instead of going out
stroll in the park
bike/rollerblade around the neighborhood
play video games
paint, draw, sculpt something
make a song (if you're musically inclined)
pop in a dvd and bum out
exercise (intimate or not hahah)
can't watch a movie? make your own! then youtube it
volunteer for a good cause
venture out in a hiking trail
go out for coffee/tea and just talk
etc. running out of ideas for now lol
Sometimes it's just not what you do, but who're your with to make the experiences worthwhile. In the end, money doesn't matter all that much.
Me and boy friend shared our money. Ummm.. what I mean was
sometimes, I'll pay for his part and sometimes he'll pay for my part.
We never count who pay more at the moment and never really care. I have
more cash than my boyfriend, actually, and he's not from a wealthy
family, so I never asked him to pay anything for me.
I used to bring food to school, so I'll actually bring for him too.
You guys could just hang out watching TV a movie or even talking! What about playing cards or a board game?
Oh, and if you live in a warm state, take long walks. If you live in a cold or warm state, taking nightly walks under the stars, while talking or just being near each other could be good too.
I think how much the relationship is dependent on money depends on what the couple do when they're together, and what their value of money spending is, this is where me and my gf struggles. I think safe intimate exercise would be the perfect alternatives to take it if a couple wants to save money.
While it's nice that a guy pays, there should never be an expectation or suggestion that he should always be the one paying. Given that you know he's a student and not very wealthy, I would hope that you'd be thoughtful enough to be mindful of what he's been spending on you. If you have been expecting him to get nice little gifts for you or take you out for nights out on the town frequently, I think you've been a bit selfish given that you already know that he's not that well off.
While it's nice that you've offered to go dutch or spend more time in, have you ever thought about treating your man out to a dinner once in awhile or getting him a little something from time to time? If you asked all of your female friends with student/not-so-rich boyfriends whether their boyfriends always paid for everything, I'm pretty certain they'd probably tell you no. Once you're past the courtship phase and in a solid relationship, you should face reality and realize that in real life, the man doesn't always pay
for everything.
In the end, I do hope that you're not taking advantage of his generosity. You guys can do lots of things that don't cost a lot of money though... you can always stay in, watch DVDs, play games together, go on hikes, picnics, etc. Of course, there's always the bedroom. Hehe... jk
Anyhow, best of luck to you guys.
Honestly, I pay for just about everything in my relationship (although that's recently been starting to change) and I'm a girl dating a guy. Expecting him to pay for everything is an old fashioned notion and often causes strain on relationships, hence why he was so quick to "drop a bomb" on you about taking a break while he's saving up. Sounds like he's sick of your selfish attitude.
My boyfriend and I do plenty of things together that require little money, like renting movies, eating dinner at home, going for long drives down roads with little traffic and/or few stop lights, and hanging out with friends who also have little money so we learn to creatively improvise plans.
Just curious, have you ever paid when you two go out? Or do you offer? My boyfriend & I were in your shoes back when we were still in college.. Neither one of us were working & we'd eat out at some fairly expensive locations. [My favorite is Japanese & I can pack away a lot for a tiny girl.. so you can imagine the cost!] About half the time we eat out, I grab for the bill first & hand the waiter my card before my boyfriend can get a word in.. At first it made my boyfriend uneasy but he has admitted that it's taken the pressure off him. I can tell my boyfriend appreciates it 'cause then he uses the money he saves up to spoil me with at a later time. :)
Your boyfriend should have also mentioned to you the financial burden so that this talk wouldn't have been a "bomb" to you.
Money isn't everything in a relationship.. The love in the relationship should be the most important & the most abundant of the two. :) Good luck~
A few ideas of "cheap dates"...
@MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio@xanga - Damn you beat me to some of them.
-A picnic in the park [actually really cheap if you just bring a loaf of bread & the jars of pb & jam.. yea, ghetto but can be oh-so-romantic! :P]
-Take walk at night & star gaze
-Festivals -- check online to see what's seasonal in your area, most of them are "free" & include food! [Life is Good has a festival every year in different locations. The boyfriend & I went this summer in Boston & while the food was free, donations were welcomed.. so we donated $3 for pizza, soda & water but got free Nalgenes & filled them up with ice cubes. :)]
-Stay in & do a dinner & a movie [Cook dinner & then download a movie. Cooking is super fun when you're both learning & doing it together! The movie part is a bit ghetto but it's cozy. :) Or you can just watch your favorite shows or even sports.. if that's your thing.]
-Make it game night! Again, cook dinner & then break out the board games! [Or if you're nerdy like me, take out SET! A "math" game that will definitely get you thinking]
The list may be short but the combinations are endless~ You can make themed dinner nights & learn a new dish each time.
i don't think money is such a big deal in a relationship ~ and it shouldn't be a factor for holding back a relationship ~
my friend's bf dumped her claiming that they spent too much time on dating so that he couldn't concentrate on his study ~ at last ~ he couldn't graduate from a master degree but my friend could even though they had broken up ~~!
couldn't you just not go out? stay in? his place or your place?
i dont think you have to go out all the time just to be together, go to a park? its because you are together not what you are doing