Miss Penguin So, my ex (the army guy) and I are back in a phase of basically being together even though we're not together. What I mean by this is that we talk somewhat regularly, text a lot, tell each other we miss each other (it was a long distance relationship because he lives a few states away) and - as of last night - hook up.
I know it's bad. But honestly, the holidays were killing me. I just wanted to be held the way that he used to hold me, and since I couldn't seem to find that feeling with someone else, I went to the source.
I know I shouldn't go down this path again. I thought I could do it without getting attached because of our circumstances, but I'm already I'm feeling kind of attached. He came up to NY to celebrate New Year's Eve. Of course we hooked up. We both knew it was going to happen when we made arrangements for him to come up here. I never wanted to be able to say that I've cried during sex (though I don't think he realized it...) but I guess I didn't realize how emotional it would be for me. I thought that I could be focused enough on my physical needs that I wouldn't think about the emotional aspect. Apparently I was wrong.
Then this morning, he left his email signed in on my computer and so I accidentally saw that he was signed up on eHarmony.com and I have to admit I was really jealous.
I know that's silly because I'm trying internet dating too. But he's supposed to be leaving in March for six months of training, so I just assumed he wouldn't be actively dating because he wouldn't want to start anything right before he left. Apparently his mother got him the subscription for Christmas ("something about grandchildren..." he said) and he says he doesn't actually intend to start anything before he leaves. But the fact that it looks like he was actively sending out messages makes me wonder. And, I know this is petty, but I just can't stand the thought of him finding someone before I do. He did break my heart after all, so I deserve to find someone first!
I know I wouldn't care if it weren't for the fact that I am single right now. If I'd found somebody, I would be perfectly okay with him moving on. But as things stand - with me all lonely and with us basically being in a relationship without the title - I think a small part of me is hoping that he'll realize what he lost with me and come back willing to try to fix all the things that were wrong with our relationship.
I really shouldn't be doing this...I'm just going to get hurt again. But I want to do it anyway. What's with that?
Comments (40)
I did the same thing with my ex when I knew I shouldn't have. It was a bad idea.
Like you said you just want companionship (being desperate)...i think that you are just setting yourself up for hurt...I mean it's a possibility that you guys could work out, but you won't know until you actually talk to him about it. Feeling the way you do and not having him know it, is not fair to him esp since you don't know what is going through his mind. Talk to him about it!!! Get straight answers before you go even further with your emotions and end up "hung up to dry".
I hope this helps...
Blessed Be
I only do that sort of thing when the physical part is all I care about. There is never any emotional attachment. That's why its called a hook up. Its not meant to be anything more nor for either participant to pretend like it is.
If you have an emotional attachment to the guy, back off and let it fade. Stop being so damn horny. XD
Oh dear, I feel the exact same way........hoping he'll realize what he lost and wanting to find someone first - but keep looking around...make sure you don't miss anyone because you are still hooked on him! TRY! ugh I know its hard =\ but just try not talking to him for a while. Don't contact him first. If he doesn't contact you, you need to get over him, don't give him the chance to hurt you again.
Hiiiiii.
I added you.
How are you? Tell me about yourself!
There's a reason why you and your ex broke up. I honestly think you should . . . have some space between you and him. But if you both are determined to get back together, than have a serious talk with him, and talk about what went wrong in the past relationship. If not, than just back off.
Did what I just say make sense? LOL. I hope I'm somewhat of a help. >_>;
I'm having a similar problem at the moment. :/ My ex called me last night, and he was apologizing for what he did and said he'd do anything to get back together with him. [That was a couple months ago. And he's saying all of this now?] I'm not at all convinced he changed, so I'm back to ignoring his calls and texts . . . At least, I'll try lol. My friends tell me not to get back with him.
*with me.
Not "him" xD ! Whoops.
I did the same thing with my ex.... except that "phase" lasted an entire year and a half. Everything in a relationship was there except he wasn't my actual "boyfriend." Time and time again, he'll show affection and I would believe there would be something going on...only for him to be all wishy washy and not give me an answer with regards to what's in his head. Even now, 3 years later, he still gives me mixed signals like "you know..i really really like you...I still have feelings for you" and all that jazz.... I'm too smart to fall for that one now.
I don't think your ex is a bad guy..... but some guys..some really really nice guys can do the most screwed up things unintentionally. You're only gonna end up in a world of hurt.....cuz until you find someone else...he's probably not gonna consider you a "loss." Afterall, if you are willing to invest emotionally and physically without actual title and commitment, there's no good reason why he should "officially" be with you.
I hope that helps :) Best of luck....I really hope you WILL find someone faster...it's seriously a pride thing!! SO...YOU GO GIRL!
The one who's been broken needs more time to heal... actually
If you want to have a serious relationship with him (again), pull him to the side and have a talk about it. But if you two are just "hooking up" and not wanting any commitment from one another, move on. You're just setting yourself up to get hurt in the long run.
If you think the relationship is worth saving for then I honestly think you should talk to him about what you feel - what you want - and ask him what he wants. After getting his intake on it, consider some time to analyze everything - in other words, see the big picture. Is he worth it?
And you said, "I know I wouldn't care if it weren't for the fact that I am single right now." --- Whether or not you're single or taken shouldn't matter. And most important of all, it doesn't matter who gets into a relationship first. What matter is that both of you guys find the happiness that you deserve in a relationship. Be happy for him if he finds miss right through eharmony.com and he should be happy for you if you find mr.right too.
To love someone, you should be willing to make a sacrifice. You care about him and I'm sure he cares about you too, so whatever happens between you two I'm sure both you guys will learn from it.
Best of luck :)
You're just emotional. You're not letting your logics step in here. You think about it but you can't get yourself to do it. Why? You feel bad he'll find someone else...FIRST? Let it go. If he hurt you then that's it. If you continue to let your emotions get the best of you, chances are...You're going to look desperate. Screams out "EASY!" Doesn't it? Look, the only way to let go of how you feel is to let him go. He gets a girl and tells you about it. Say, "I'm so happy for you." You end up running into him with her, say "hi," stick your hand out first and introduce yourself to the woman, and excuse yourself before you melt down. You act cool about it...he'll have second thoughts even for a minute.
Did you guys work on your relationship and try things out before he broke up with you?(I assume that, because you say he broke your heart)
I think maybe he goes to training, you should keep in so much contact with him, maybe a few months with the not "boyfriend" might help you get over him and be okay.
But you said you might want to work things out, maybe you get your hopes up, suggest it to him and see what he says.
Xo
I know at one point in time I wrote a post on my old blog about this, but I haven't brought it over to my new blog yet. If you have no relationship, you can have sex and there doesn't need to be intimacy. You can have a relationship with intimacy and not have sex. What you CANNOT do, is be in a relationship, have intimacy, and have non-intimate sex. You have an intimate relationship with your ex. Sex with a stranger doesn't have to be intimate and can be just for physical needs (ie: FWB). You CANNOT do that with your ex. It is not physically possible. There is undeniable associativity when you have sex with someone you are already intimate with. This is the same reason why it's entirely possible for a woman to deny the husband she loves, sex, and have an affair with a stranger who she cares nothing for. Having non-intimate sex with someone you're in a relationship is near impossible.
This may sound silly, but if it's too difficult to be single... have you considered a rebound relationship? Doesn't have to be super serious (or even sexual), but it might help with the transition... just something light that you can enjoy, whatever that means to you (sex or not).
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Why did you let yourself get set up for all this drama? And "What's with that," you ask? Basically, you're being needy. You're lonely. You don't want to be single. Your ex came back and you just jumped right in. Did you jump in for the right reasons though? Do you actually want HIM back or do you just miss all the companionship? I think you need to step back from all this, really...because it sounds very immature..."I know it's bad, I know it's wrong...but I'm gonna do it anyway, because I can't help myself."
And you wanna find someone, as long as it's before HE does? This is all stemming from the wrong things.
@phantomraindrops@xanga - That's very cliche. Sounds like a bad porno. Escape the cliches when you write. Maybe someday your ideas will be the new cliche.
my longest relationship was about two years.
The first year was chill and cool,
but we fought a lot the second year, broke up a few times, got back together because of the physical part, and fought and broke up again,
it was funny.
it was a pattern that continued until I realized that I had to be stronger than that, and finally moved on.
She moved on too.
It was definitely hard. I had to get over the loneliness part, and I had to stop telling myself that I couldn't get anyone anymore.
but it was for the better.
and I'm sure it will be better for you too.
(the intimacy stuff really hits you. it made me 'blind' somewhat)
Deep down you know it won't work out. You're just feeling lonely now because the break up was recent. It sux to hear this but time heals. You have to learn to let go again.
i did the same thing for a long time. it ends badly unfortunately - no matter how badly we wish it wouldn't. i'm in the same boat (or more accurately, trying desprately to leap from that boat as we speak) good luck. xo - A.
=(
It probably wouldnt work out. There was a reason you two broke up. Whatever reasons you broke up, the same issues are still there. The same problems will come to play later on.
I HAVE BEEN THERE DONE THAT BEEN ON IN OFF WIT MY EX FOR ALMOST 3 YEARS BEFOR I WAS LIKE JUS FORGET IT U WILL NEVER CHANGE AND I CHANGED TO MUCH I WOULDNT GO BACK AGAIN
You didn't accidentally see anything, LOL. You saw what he wanted you to see because he knows you're emotionally attached and he probably isn't. He doesn't want to say that there is no chance, so instead, he leaves his email open and you can see that he is looking. "My mom got it for me..." please......that goes right down there with "The dog ate my homework".
Sex with the ex keeps you stuck at go. You won't get better and you won't move on. Let it go.