Monday, 05 January 2009
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Why Do We Settle in Relationships?
This is a guest blog submitted by MeLoveYouL0ngTime.We've all seen it. Hell, we've all been there.
WHY do we sometimes find ourselves observing, or even being a part of, a relationship where one or both people are clearly unsatisfied? So many times I've caught myself thinking, "He doesn't even act like he cares. And when I try to talk to him about it, he gets annoyed. What am I going to do?" That thought is immediately followed by, "What am I going to do?! The answer is so damn obvious."
But even though the answer seems so obvious to me and all of my friends, I've taken no initiative to seek the validation that I yearn so badly for. I just float through each day with a neverending ambivalence:
"Yeah, he doesn't really get excited about me anymore, and he definitely shows more romantic tenderness towards his sister (literally), but we're back together and spend a lot of time together. That should count for something, right?"
"Sure, he's extremely monotone when I call, and really chipper when others call, but he made the effort to try to work things out with me."
"Sadly, he walks away when I'm the least bit emotional and says that he doesn't know why he even still talks to me, but...." Well, there's really no excuse that I could make for that one.
Stepping out of my own situation, two of my gorgeous, intelligent, multifaceted friends have found themselves in similar situations. I can't even count the number of times that we've had to counsel each other about what lacks in our relationships. And it's never something petty like, "Oh my gosh, he totally only spent 100 dollars on my birthday present, and I told him a million times I wanted something more!" They're the things that are precious to us... Affection, trust, security, that we're simply not feeling most of the time. And quite frankly, if I were to strip away all of the sentimental feelings and good memories that keep us holding on, the pure and simple truth would be... Maybe they're just not that into us. (Thanks for the insight, Greg Behrendt).
One boy makes minimal... I mean, minimal effort to communicate regularly, because of course, he's basically busier than Barack Obama nowadays, so he just doesn't have the time. One is all about himself and constantly promises to be a faithful, better man, only to break the promises later. And mine... Well, he makes me feel like I'm just a routine in his life. I'm just a monotonous thing to deal with every day until something better comes along. And although he may care about me and my well being, he doesn't really like me.
So, why are we all still here? Why are we still dealing with it? What is it that makes us attempt to salvage every shred of our relationships? Is it attachment? Insecurity? Is being alone so terrible, that we're settling with unsatisfactory actions or the lack thereof? Can they really love us as much as they say they do and act like such jerks sometimes? (Uninterested, interested in someone else, or only interested in themselves?)
I know exactly what Mr. Behrendt would say:
"The answer to your question is no. People who are in love with each other generally try to be nice. Some even get a kick out of treating their mate well and trying to make their life better. He may think he loves you, but he's just really bad at it. And it's exactly the same result as if he was just not that into you."
I guess until I could come to grips with that, you can just call me Mrs. Settle.
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- From: MeLoveYouL0ngTime
- About Me: I'm raw, uncensored, and not apologizing for it. So, if you find my posts inappropriate, then damn... that kind of sucks for you. =]
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Comments (166)
Its the security of relationship. I can empathize.. been there and done that more times than i would like to admit.
Truth is... people are afraid of the unknown and people are afraid of being alone and people are afraid of not being able to find something better.
Sometimes people grow together sometimes people grow apart.
Find true love somewhere else. Its gonna be tough and its gonna hurt but if hes not putting effort now hes not going to one day wake up and realize his mistakes (although we would love for that to happen).
The gorgeous, intelligent girls that we are, we know we want better but most importantly, we DESERVE better
Security.
people settle into relationships weither they feel satisfied or not because some people just need the support from the other, some people cant be happy without another person somewhat caring for them. other settle because they just want to be with soemone, and have someone to call their own. it makes no sense when you think about it because why settle for someone who doesnt care, when you can find someone that cares for you as much as you do for them.
that's why im not in a relationship!
I have been here (and sadly is still on the edge of here). I stay in here because I am foolish. I think that just maybe things will be different. Then I am always let down when they don't. I know what I should do and I know what I want to do. I always end up thinking that I love him more than he loves me, because I show him how much I love him and he shows me nothing. The reason he gives me is that he doesn't know how to really show anything... He wanted me to do better than him.
The reason I stay here is because he always does something that I know he can do all the time.
haha. that does sound exactly like what that book would tell you. i think it's something we all just have to work through ourselves. it took me a while to not be a Mrs. Settle. good luck. :D
Here are my theories:
~ resistance to change
~ attachment
~ mediocrity (not going for the best?)
~ low self-esteem (you don't think you deserve someone better? or you think it but you're not acting upon it)
Because people are inherently stupid.
If you have high self esteem and are secure with your own being, then you really don't need a relationship.
Have you ever read "He's Just Not That Into You".........cause he's just not. You know...that into you.
Sorry. :( Been there, girl, and don't want to go back!
I can totally relate...
:/
Not a fun feeling.
Settling? I'm sorry, but that sounds awfully boring.
My advice to you..Find someone who excites you and is excited when with you. Someone who never takes you for granted and makes your day brighter. Someone who will make you feel wanted and loved. Someone who isn't your current boyfriend. You're still young and you have many many years of laughter and adventure to live.. do you really want to settle with someone who is holding you back from finding real happiness?
Ditch him. There are other guys out there who will do what he won't. Trust me on it.
@StrawberryShy@xanga - Well said!
So, why are we all still here? Why are we still dealing with it?
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Because we are afraid to be alone. And being alone itself sounds worse than being in a relationship that might be a failure but could change if we really put effort into it, or just with time.
The reason why we settle in relationships (even if it's a relationship that we know isn't going anywhere and pretty much going down the drain):
1. Security
2. Safety
3. Comfort
4. Attachment
5. Afraid to be alone
I've been in two long term relationships. I wasn't happy in either one of them for at least half of the time. The reason I stayed in those relationships was because I was afraid of being alone. I didn't have many friends and the thought of being almost completely alone scared me. I was also extremely attached to both of them. They are both amazing guys. They just weren't right for me. I finally realized that being in an unhappy relationship is even worse than being alone. I decided that before I can be in another committed relationship I have to be happy on my own. Since I broke up with my last boyfriend I have made a lot of new friends and I've become a lot more independent.
@purplepixiepoo@xanga - that's what I think as well.
Xo
Mainly attachment...
You said it quite well, "...if I were to strip away all of the sentimental feelings and good memories that keep us holding on..."
I think a lot of people go through this... and maybe we're all just trying to be a little more hopeful, that one day s/he will change for the better... but really, how long can one wait? I agree, one just has to come to grip with reality...
amen.
I hate it when "settling" lacks compromise. I agree--this needs to end. In a big way.
People settle because they're afraid to look elsewhere. It's fear that keeps us tied to relationships that really aren't cutting it. I mean, sure, part of it is because we recognize no one is perfect, but egregious errors/faults, etc don't have to be accepted at the loss of a healthy relationship.
Some people settle because they're afraid of being alone.
Some settle because they don't believe they deserve better.
Some settle because they really love that person and hope things will get better.
It's also possible he's giving you the cold shoulder because he doesn't want to be the one to break things off.
So, why are we all still here? Why are we still dealing with it? What
is it that makes us attempt to salvage every shred of our
relationships? Is it attachment? Insecurity?
That's exactly what it is. This is proof positive that these type of women are insecure and have low self-esteem. If they were not insecure and had good self-esteem, they would not tolerate this for one second. If someone argues that this is not the case, then the alternative is that these women are just plain dumb. Take your pick. They're either insecure or dumb.
im going to quote from this (amusing but got a lot of truth in it) book, The MANual by Steve Santagati.
"Women settle because they get lazy or they fall more in love with the idea of the relationship than they do with the man himself" - and i totally agree with this, 100%.
I totally agree with the whole security ideal - most everyone I know (including myself) has fallen victim to that. Other people (not necessarily you or I...) become addicted to the drama of being able to complain about the bad relationship - there is always a problem or an issue over which to fight or analyze painstakingly over - even though the answer is so obvious, it is easier to over-ponder and get angry than to face reality.
There will always be a phase in the relationship where you lose that romance and intimacy you once had when you first got together. The important thing is to figure out what is causing that gap. And to figure that out, there has to be a lot of communication and honesty. You really have to put yourself out there and tell each other what your wants and needs are. You must figure out what changes you both can do to improve the relationship and the things that you're able to accept about each other.
The hard part for me is acceptance. When I find myself not being able to accept a certain part of my significant other, sometimes over the smallest things, I will never be completely happy. But it's important to accept because nobody is perfect. If you find yourself unable to accept and are truly unhappy with the relationship then you should really consider leaving it because it will do you no good. Sometimes it's good to just be alone for a while and improve on yourself until you're ready for another relationship and its challenges. But when you're able to deal with each other's crap and still be happy with one another then you'll know that's the person worth sticking with.
noThiNg To SAy BcUz itS ToO gOoD! nIcE!