Monday, 05 January 2009
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I'm Coy And Subtle And Guys Don't Get It
This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.I, being a stubborn and proud individual, do not like acting openly interested in a boy. For an instance, when I notice that a group of boys or just one boy looks interested in me, I don't pay attention to them and act like I didn't notice them checking me out. I, however, make the subtle effort of showing myself more.
To demonstrate what I mean, here's an example of what has happened to me recently:
I work for my dad's office part time. It's in a Korean market plaza, and his store is right by the food court. One day, my dad and I were having lunch, then I went to go get water. By the water dispenser, there was a table of four Korean boys that looked my age. So as I was walking toward the dispenser, I saw them turn toward my direction and look at me. I met their gaze for a second and was aware that I looked a bit surprised, but I hid that surprise right away and looked away toward the water dispenser. I put on "my cool" and acted like I didn't even notice them.I wasn't very sure if they were checking me out or just looking at me, but it was really odd because the boys that had their back faced toward me at the beginning faced me and turned abruptly back when I saw them looking at me. It was very awkward because the water dispenser was right by their table. So I just got my water and went back to my table. After I was finished eating, I went again past them to the bathroom. I didn't look at them and just went straight ahead (adding a little more hip movement into my walk). They, of course, never approached me or anything.
At the time, I was wearing an outfit that did make me look a bit older than my actual age of 17. And I'm not trying to be egotistical, but people do tell me that I'm pretty and I have been told that I do look intimidating sometimes.
So my questions are...
1. Were they really checking me out?
2. Did my subtle and coy facade work, or did it make me unapproachable?
3. Why didn't they approach me?
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Comments (85)
A lot of times, subtle and coy is mistaken for uninterested and/or unimpressed.
I'd be more open.
Boys are always shy or afraid of the girl. Because she is just so beautiful/hot/cool that the girl will never go for him.
That's what I think.
Hmm, I think you're reading too much into this. We weren't there, so we can't say whether or not they were checking you out. They might have been, simply because you're a girl. I've walked by groups of guys before, sometimes they look, sometimes they don't. Rarely do I get approached, though. Maybe they were deciding who was gonna go up to you and make the move, or maybe they weren't interested. Who knows?
Boys don't get subtlety. Get over it, and ask someone out already? You'll feel better, he'll feel better...who doesn't need that?
1. Were they really checking me out?
They probably were. Us guys tend to do that unconsciously haha.
2. Did my subtle and coy facade work, or did it make me unapproachable?
I say it probably made you less approachable. To me, if a girl did what you did I may get the signal that she's not looking for somebody or she's not interested.
3. Why didn't they approach me?
Perhaps shyness? Again, maybe you were too nonchalant about them looking at you that, to them, you seem disinterested. Thus, they didn't approach you because they felt they had a higher chance of getting rejected.
1 maybe it was because you were with your dad
korean fathers are well ..
protective; well i would be
2 guys dont tend to hit on a single girl in groups
they like to be alone
@hmm_ishi@xanga - i agree with you. boys are normally shy and it would take a lot of courage for them to approach a girl. you gotta appear interested for them to consider approaching you because if they feel you aren't interested or unimpressed, then they won't even try at all.
Guys your age are usually insecure and very intimidated by a pretty girl. They don't approach you cause they are scared of rejection. Don't worry eventually you will meet plenty of men who are confident and attracted to you who will hit on you and ask you out. Trust me, you'll have to beat them off with a stick.
this sounds exactly like me. thats how i act, if im like at the mall or something and boys check me out, i just keep walking and try to reel 'em in with my subtle body language. and ive certainly heard im pretty and such and i dont know, maybe im testing to see if people were telling me the truth? but lately, i've been wondering if its making me unapproachable too. theres a guy im actually interested in fa real and i dont wanna be unapproachable to him. but i have all kinds of messed up views on relationships and theres those reasons why im not as open.
but for you, i would suggest being more open if you can. and it seems to me those guys were checking you out.
but thats just me. :)
because you were with your dad
for one you're definitely looking too much into this. second, and the faster you learn this the better off you'll be, guys don't get subtlety or coyness, period. you have to be direct with them because it shows that you're interested and this gives them the egging on they need to approach you. no one likes rejection so if you don't show you're interested they're not going to try and make a move. swaying your hips and staring straight ahead does not say anything to them.
guys don't think too much into it. especially 17yr olds. your best bet? just approach him.
1. Probably absolutely definitely I think so. We do that. Hot or not, mind you. If you're hot we'll do it MORE.
2. I'd say you got hit by the fail stick. Fail. They did not understand.
3. Numerous reasons others have listed. Shy. In groups. Your DAD. Out of their league. Seemed unapproachable.
So here's what you really want to know though. You can be whatever you want to be. There are consequences, however, and these are yours. If you are shy and coy and perceived as unapproachable, you will approached by LESS guys, and more importantly, only a certain TYPE of guy. If you are indeed attractive enough, you will take a very wide pool of guys who would otherwise express their interest, and narrow it by say... 90%, meaning you'll have an opportunity with 1 in 10 guys who you'd otherwise have an opportunity with. If you are NOT attractive, you take a much SMALLER pool of guys, and narrow it by the same 90%... you get my drift?
So are you hot enough to pull it off? Maybe. But now you have to consider the TYPE of guy who will have the 'balls' to approach you. And let me tell you, the nice guys, are NOT IN THAT GROUP. Perhaps the more important question than "is it okay to act this way" is, do you understand the consequences of doing so? If you're okay with those consequences, then so be it. If you're not, then try to change. I am a nice guy, outgoing, and at times shameless, but I cannot even pretend to imagine approaching you in ANY way given that scenario. Yeowza.
Edit: PS: Most of us guys are pretty dense, regardless of whether or not we have the 'balls' to act.
That was what I used to do, but I realized it made me seem disinterested and therefore unapproachable. Even if you're shy and coy, it's better to learn to be outspoken in the dating world. I speak from experience. :)
If you were with your dad, why are you wondering why they didn't approach you?
From what I have experienced in the past, if you find a guy checking you out or looking at you, the least you can do is smile at them (whether you are interested in them or not). Boys like it when the girls aren't too subtle or coy.
@Roadlesstaken@xanga - Exactly what I was thinking.
@you_were_the_song_all_along@xanga - Lol! That probably made the guys more nervous?
This whole dating thing can be complicated, it seems.  People tell you to act confident and hard to get in order to attract guys but then tell you to do the opposite when it doesn't work. Â
To be honest, I would have done the same thing.  But like you, I am learning that you have to show some interest in order for guys to respond to you.  Your best bet is to genuinely  smile at a cute guy who you catch looking at you.  I have found that smiling at a guy is a "green light".  It indicates that you are friendly and interested. Â
Another thing that I have learned the hard way is to appear calm and confident at all times. Â If you ever seem unsure and nervous it's like a turn-off to most guys. Â I can't tell you how many prospectives I've lost due to nervousness. Â
es.
So my questions are...
1. Were they really checking me out?
I CHECK OUT EVERY ONE. JUST A SIMPLE LOOK..NOT CHECKING OUT LIKE DAMNNNNN..BUT THEY WERE. EASY -
2. Did my subtle and coy facade work, or did it make me unapproachable?
IT MADE IT SEEM AS IF YOU WERE MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS..NO TIME TO PLAY.SO THEY WERE LIKE 'FUCK IT'
3. Why didn't they approach me?
CUHS YOU WERE TOO FAST.
This is not a case of subtle and coy; this is a case of giving them no sign whatsoever. From how you describe the situation, there is no way those boys would have been able to distinguish you're "subtlety" from complete disinterest. If you want boys to pick up on signals, you have to give some--they are not telepathic.
The way it sounds there, you are kind of beating around the bush, leaving them no sign, and making them fair game to any other straightforward woman. It's okay if you are afraid to ask out someone, but that sounds like being completely chicken.
I'm going to write a blog about the whole downside of being approahed by someone coy and subtle, from my experience.
That definitely makes you look unapproachable. Think about it, if you were checking a guy out and he made eye contact with you and then abruptly looked away and didn't look at you again, you would get the idea that he wasn't interested. Same goes for guys. Especially if you're pretty, you're hard enough to approach as it is (for most guys). You're just making yourself look like you have no desire to talk to these boys and as a result you're scaring them away. Open up, make more eye contact, and flirt a little if you find yourself attracted to someone. Then they'll feel more confident to do the same.
@ChUcK3502@xanga - "because you were with your dad"
^Lmao!!
.
.
Yeah, fathers tend to have a bad reputation for their reactions toward guys that "approach" their daughters.
1) Most likely. But then again they probably checked out 20 girls before you and 20 girls after you, so that's nothing to be proud about.
2) Subtlety and coy never works. All you'll get is the creeps and the douchebags because they are the more persistent ones. Perhaps those boys were coy too. See how that works out?
3) They didn't approach you because you were eating with your dad and you probably looked underage. Duh!
Um, yeah, they didn't get what you were doing. They probably thought you weren't interested.
If you're interested, strike up a conversation. If you really want them to approach you, then look at them deliberately and smile. If you have your eyes to the ground and then shyly look up at them and smile, they'll probably melt. Do it a couple of times and they'll KNOW you're interested.