Monday, 05 January 2009
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How Can You Make A FWB Relationship Work?
This is a guest blog submitted by Nina.The idea of a friends with benefits relationship has been discussed in pop culture, from songs to TV shows, so it's no surprise to me to actually see this type of relationship in real life - A few of my friends have even given a FWB relationship a try. As with all relationships, FWB relationships run their courses and end, usually for the same reason...
The ending that I hear the most is unrequited love. What may begin as two friends having the occasional, yet platonic, romp in the hay may turn into one of the friends wanting to turn the FWB into a committed and serious relationship. The unreciprocated love could lead to the end of not only the FWB, but also the friendship.
A lack of communication is also a possible dealbreaker. The friends have to come to a mutual agreement on whether they are going to date other people, have sex with other people, or even tell others about their FWB relationship. The possible conversation topics are endless.
According to this article, only about 10% of FWBs actually turn into real relationships. So what makes one out of ten FWBs actually work? I personally believe that in order for two people to have a successful FWB relationship, a mutual attraction has to exist. Who's going to enter into a relationship with someone they don't find attractive? Also, the two in the FWB must have complete trust in one another. If you can't trust your significant other, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with that person. The daters must also have open lines of communication and should be able to talk about anything.
What were (or would be) your rules for a FWB?
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Comments (49)
The first essential factor in a future relationship with a FWB is that you BOTH have to want to get together. This is not always easy as one of you two may want a official relationship with yet the other is OK with the present arrangement (sex without commitment). This is big because I've seen my friends go through this over and over again without any success.
What makes it work? The same reasons that make any relationship work. From an 8 stages standpoint, FWB starts at stage 2 (physical/sexual attraction) instead of stage 1 (compatibility) and ignores all other stages. But just because that's the focus of the relationship, doesn't mean that the other stages can't happen or (as luck would have it) already work. But that's not your question. In that I have no experience! I look forward to reading everyone else's opinions though!
Every FWB situation is different. The most important thing is to know the boundaries: Keep it simple- No jealousy. No asking about other people. No publicizing it. No dates. Just fun.
Its also easier if you're not super close to begin with. When you start sleeping with a very close friend, its easy for the lines to blur. This is when one person becomes attached and someone gets hurt.
FWBs are not for everyone- it can be a tricky situation.
I think I would hesitate to turn an FWB into a BF. Mostly because sometimes FWBs are kind of a dirty secret. Either someone just to "scratch an itch" or someone you're attracted to, but would never date because [insert major personality/character flaw here].
I guess, if the question is to keep FWB as FWB it would be rule # 1, no emotional setbacks at any point in the FWB relationship. No need to know who i'm meeting, no need to know what i'm doing with my relationships, thus no jealousy. Am I wrong?
i think people have fwb because they need sex & don't want to pay for it. attraction & trust should already be there or you wouldn't expose your naked self to that person.
FWB relationships usually end with one person getting hurt and the other not really caring. One person gets attached emotionally and the other it just there for the physical.
FWB NEVER WORKS.
It seems like the 10% of working FWBs happen to be by chance, to put it loosely.
As I would never engage in this type of relationship, it's hard for me to think of some rules for it. I guess I'd say no talking about relationships, no telling other people about it, no hanging out (at least one-on-one). But either way, if I were in an FWB it would be doomed to failure.
Tried a FWB a long time ago...it didn't work out since later I found out that he didn't even want to be friends with me...he just wanted ass. He still just wants ass if he could get it from me...trust me he has tried, but truth be told I don't think we could ever be just plainly friends since he can't get passed the past. He has even said he was "sorry" for the way he treated me back then, but then proved to me that wasn't sincere (since he tried to get down my pants again and the kicker is/was he knows that im MARRIED!). I don't recommend FWB since they almost always end up in disaster.
Worked for me.
The rules need to be clear and simple. Discuss the rules once, set them out, and if they're broken, its probably time to kiss that little liason goodbye.
By most definitions, FWBs aren't supposed to last. So if 10% turn into real relationships, (a) I'm surprised it's that many, and (b) good for them!
I don't get it. What is an FWB relationship anyway? You're still friends, just able to have sex? What happens when you get into a relationship with another person? Doesn't the relationship you have with your friend end? And if it ends, doesn't that mean you were dating them in the first place, and you just found somebody better that you're ready to commit to? Unless the FWB thing continues... but doesn't that sound a bit strange?
Oh well, I guess I'll know when I get older.
I have tried to have a FWB relationship before-that one turned into a 4 YEAR thing and he is now my ex-boyfriend. But, 3 years of that relationship were just FWB.
But, now, I am currently with a guy where we make it VERY clear where we want our relationship to head. We are both open and honest, and there is no way that either one of us could interpret feelings when we are both very clear that there are none. I simply enjoy being with him. We do not, however, have sex, and we both make it clear that we think that would be a bad thing. So, I'm enjoying it. It's clear, and it's honest, and it's fun. We only see each other once every few weeks, and that is just fine with me.
I find that Abba's song Voulez Vous describes it quite nicely:
"Voulez-vous
Take it now or leave it
Now is all we get
Nothing promised, no regrets"
I tried being FWB with an on-again-off-again ex...BAD IDEA. Feelings end up being involved, no matter how hard you try to avoid it.
@hyungjoo87@xanga - I agree. Don't ask, don't tell. No need to be jealous. If I was having sex with my FWB, however, I would tell him if I was ever sexual with another person, just for safety's sake. More or less his right to know. And, way more than likely, if I was having sex with him, I would NOT be having sex with anyone else. I don't play that way.
@KasumiCelesta@xanga - that's how I feel. I've never trired; but every FWB I have heard of has ended in a failure and the two people don't even talk.
Most people start liking the other one, its a natural thing. I guess it would be a good idea to have a FWB with someone you find hot, but would never date. Ahaha. :/
Xo
I was in a FWB relationship, and it can be tricky and hurtful unless you have really good communication with one another. My FWB and I agreed that we could date other people or have sex with other people, but we needed to let the other know what was going on (just as a respect/safety thing). Also, I insisted that the guy ALWAYS respect me 100%--which meant not discussing our relationship with anyone or treating me badly either in public or private. In the end we decided to end it, but we are still friends thanks to some strict groundrules.
I can never have a FWB relationship, EVER. Like my SO said, unless the benefit I am getting is so horrible that I never want it again, I tend to fall so easily.
My SO and I started as FWB I suppose, as he claims. We eventually got together.
Sounded romantic and all that, well, it wasn't.
It was great until you found out he has FWB.
The only "benefit" in "Friends with Benefits" is that both parties get to enjoy all the physical intimacy they want, with no responsibility or commitment whatsoever. Does that sound selfish to anyone but me? There is no respect, no love, no need to protect the other person and put their needs above your own, like in real relationships, because all you want them for is sex.
I'm sure two people can make it work if they both go into it with a mutual mindset, but I personally think it's disgusting. Not to say that I'd look down on anyone who has had or is having an FWB relationship...it's just the idea of it that repulses me.
It truly depends..:) Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I m sure that if its mutual and both try to work it out then it will work out fine.
im part of the 10 percent :) it takes alot of hard work to make it work, but ultimately, its worth it.
i agree with the dont ask dont tell. i have a FWB thing going on with my bestfriend, and its working out fine for me,
maybe thats because i dont get jealous easily,
and we practically are going out becuase we are always with each other and act like we are dating around everyone.
so i guess im one of the 10% its working out for (:
Let's see...I've been in 5 FWBs relationships. I've never really thought about their being rules to it, though. It's kind of implied that you can do whatever you want as long as you're going to be hurting the other person (like contracting an STD and not telling them)
It doesn't work and as the author stated only 10% become real relationships...
Being naive is one thing, but knowing that it doesn't work but still participating in it is just stupid.
IMHO, FWB can work if done right.Â
speaking from experience, strictly. i was FWB with my best friend of more than 10 years and started being FWB about 2 years ago and started dating a year ago.  we are completely happy and blissful now that we're finally together and committed to each other. but, i think the only ones that can make a FWB relationship work are ones that are able to communicate with each other no matter what the circumstances. if you know what you want when going into it in the beginning, you can make it work.  be mature don't get into a FWB just because you find yourself horny.  only do it if you feel you have a chemistry with the other outside of platonic friendship and can honestly see a future with them, otherwise, someone will get hurt.  if you're just looking for ass, my opinion is that a one night stand is much safer.  you are putting a friendship at risk if you do the whole FWB thing, and it should only be done when a possible future for the two of you is in the picture.Â