Sunday, 04 January 2009
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I'm Asexual - How Far Do I Let Her Take Me?
This is a guest blog submitted by White_Kitsukami.I've deemed myself asexual, but I am not completely against having a relationship. It's one of those things where you just KNOW your sexual orientation.
But, recently, I have found myself in a relationship with another girl.
I don't mind kissing and hugging and cuddling and whatnot, and she knows that I identify as having an asexual orientation, but she has very recently asked me if it was okay if we took it a step further.
As in, making out, etc. Not quite yet sex, but slowly getting there.
I'm afraid that I'm not going to be "good" or that we're going to go too far, and I really wouldn't like to get that far.
I love her so much, but I'm just not ready yet.
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- From: White_Kitsukami@xanga
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Comments (70)
Then tell her you are not ready. Communicate.
Well, a quick glance at your profile indicates you are a girl (not that it really matters). You say asexual instead of bisexual, meaning you just have no DESIRE? Very intriguing. All the same, if you're not ready yet, then you aren't ready yet. Period. It doesn't sound like she's forcing you, and it's perfectly okay to expect someone to wait. Sometimes they decide it's worth it to wait, sometimes not. But you should be comfortable with yourself and what you do. You're well within reason to take it slow for as long as you want to. Do keep an open mind though, you never know, you may find yourself wanting her too! Change is scary, if you've identified yourself a certain way for a long time, but sometimes it's a good thing. Keep your mind open to that change and I for one, hope it comes through. Having desires (especially when they can be fulfilled) is a wonderful part of life.
Communication.
I hope you're totally honest with her. I think my husband is assexual and wish I'd known it before I married him. He likes to cuddle and kiss but has no interest in sex at all, though he pretended to before we got married. If I'd known, I wouldn't have married him. We'd just have remained best friends. I'm not at all fond of celibacy myself and if your girlfriend isn't either, you should let her know how you are so she isn't terribly disappointed and resentful later. Really. Save both of you a lot of grief.
@MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio@xanga - Asexual doesn't mean a lack of desire, it just means a lack of want to act upon that desire.
If you're not ready, that's completely fine.
Tell your girlfriend that.
If she doesn't understand, then maybe she's not the right person for you.
Communication. That's all there is to it. Just tell your girlfriend that you're not ready yet, and she should respect that if she loves you.Â
If she loves you as much as you love her (you wouldnt have posted a blog with a worried tone to it) then she will understand.
She knows you are asexual; she knew it before dating you.
If you don't want to go farther than kissing, she should understand.
And now if she doesnt and she does push it to go farther, she isn't the right person for you. But she sounds like an understanding girl.
Just talk to her about it.
Xo
You aren't asexual trust me on this you just aren't I know somebody who is asexual and trust me if you were you wouldn't even have made this blog yet alone showed concern towards starting a relationship...you're just not asexual, you're gay/lesbian but not asexual.
If you arent ready, then you need to tell her that. It will prevent you from feeling uncomfortable later. Plus, its nice to be honest, especially towards those you love.
Hm. Well, it's up to you whether you want to engage in sexual acts or not. But if you do make that sacrifice for the relationship, then I hope that she is willing to appreciate it for what it's worth.
But since you're just not ready right now, I would say don't do it. Wait until you are completely comfortable. Be sure to tell her that you're not sure if you'll EVER be ready, and if she's not ready to handle that, then perhaps you're better off not being in the relationship.
You've got every right to your feelings and even your inhibitions. If you don't want to do something, simply don't. She too, may actually feel awkward knowing that you're both doing something you're uncomfortable with. Sometimes you just gotta take a deep breath and find it in you to say, "I really like you, and I want things to go right. Can you wait up for me until I'm ready to take bigger steps?"
@HaloTheProtectorOfInnocent@xanga - You do not know what she is or is not. That was a very rude comment.
@HeartOfPandora@xanga - By that definition, people who are abstaining until a suitable relationship comes along are also "asexual." I personally think that sexual orientation comes from what you desire sexually, not from what you do sexually.
lol @ the gay chubby dating ads
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - I see your point, but not everyone who abstains wants to (/cry). Anyway I should have worded the comment better, I more meant that asexuals tend not to feel the desire to act upon their sexual attractions.
Ahaha but I actually looked in my inbox and saw your comment to HaloTheProl;akewjetc and went "oh my god what, what did I say?!
" Didn't see the @Haloa;weljfdsc part. ^_^'
then tell her you're not ready yet. if she loves u, she'll definitely understand.
I was asexual for the longest time. Reminds me that orientation changes, albeit very slowly. Most people would just say I was a late bloomer I guess.
Anyway, communicate. If you don't talk about it it'll only become a worse problem.
@HaloTheProtectorOfInnocent@xanga - You do realize that this is equivalent to saying "You're not straight, I would know. I know someone who is straight."
Go read a book that explains the differences between sexual, affectional, and behavioral orientation and maybe you'll not say things that make everyone think you're retarded.
Well, I guess you learn something new everyday. I just googled "thinspo" and with clicking on the link for asexual, I have learned two new things today.
I thought I had issues. What the fuck was I thinking. You people are fucked.
Be true to yourself. You'll know when you're ready. It sounds to me like you're mainly afraid. If she or any partner loves you, you will be good enough. Because you're you.
@anaraug@xanga - I think that not having sex or not having the desire to have sex or whatever the hell "asexual" means, to be defined as a sexual orientation is on the top 5 most moronic things I have ever heard list.
Quit making shit up people. Wait no, I got one. I'm pcsexual. lmao. I only will have cybersex. No physcial contact and no visual images. The worst part is that in my attempt to further poke fun, I probably have insulted a "pcsexual" and will soon be learning another new word today.
@anaraug@xanga - I know its so strange because you can actually do that. And why would I waste my time doing something so insignificant as reading a book that explains the differences between
sexual, affectional (which isn't a word), and behavioral orientation I get enough of that every single day I have to walk outside my house. I'm sure you feel that I have to come from some sort of sense of superiority to say that and that's just it I for one think everybody else is stupid until they prove otherwise and trust me you've done nothing to remove the thought from my mind.
it is no different, in my opinion, if you weren't asexual or not. it's the same for anyone. if you aren't ready, don't do anything. just explain and be honest and if she really cares she'll understand and respect your decision!
@morbidlywonderful@xanga - Nope I'm pretty sure she's gay by definition one that dates one of the same sex is gay (well that or bisexual but then again in my opinion that isn't really a sexual orientation so much as just your gay for one moment than straight the next)
yes I'm aware another definition for the word gay is happy.
At any rate my comments only a rude as the truth is and I do so excuse myself if you are offended by the truth.
@HaloTheProtectorOfInnocent@xanga - I think you replied to the wrong person. haha