Sunday, 04 January 2009
-
The Virginity Dilemma
This is a guest blog submitted by deathtemplar.This New Year's Eve, I was out with a girl I met online. It was our first date, and of course, I dressed to impress; she wasn't dressed too poorly, either! We decided on an Indian restaurant the night before, got there relatively early and were seated shortly. Our conversation made it seem like this wasn't our first date because there were no awkward silences, everything just came out smoothly and we had fun.
After dinner I drove her to watch a New Year's Eve display and we got closer, eventually holding hands and kissing (although she coyly stated that I needed to tell her that I wanted a kiss from her before she would actually do it). Neither or us got home till 3 or 4 a.m. Since then, we've been calling each other and here comes the dilemma.
We were talking about our pasts (okay, maybe it's a loaded topic for a first date), and she asked me if I was a virgin; I answered (but censored it for you guys, heh) and asked her whether she was a virgin or not. In my mind, I already label most girls as non-virgins; sorry if this is offensive, but after my last GF, I just have a horrible view of women in general. She answered that she wasn't a virgin, either.
Now why is it that horrible, you may ask? Let me explain... That night when she and I kissed, she told me that she didn't kiss a lot and was a "noob" at it; I told her it was cool. Now, I don't know why, but when she said that, my image of her turned more innocent than the usual image of a girl being, for lack of a better word, a slut. (Once again, sorry girls/women)
So when she told me she was not a virgin, my innocent image of her went down the drain quicker than Drano.
Yes, nowadays, not being a virgin is not a big deal; everyone has sex. My question to you all, though, is aren't we just accepting this and lowering our standards? Many of you will say, "hey, if you like her, you shouldn't care about her past." In my mind, it's true, but in my heart, can I really accept that? I don't think so.
If you really like someone, wouldn't you want her all to yourself? But because she's not a virgin, you're not really getting ALL of her, because someone has THAT part of her and you're never able to get that again.
So there's my dilemma.
-
recommend
- recs 11
-
share
-
email
- sent 1
Related Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: deathtemplar@xanga
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 2 Views: 0 52245 Comments: 0 764 View all posts by deathtemplar@xanga
Comments (697)
...If you're not a virgin yourself, do you think it's fair that you expect the girls you date to be? I mean, great if she is, but since you're not yourself, you can't expect that of her. No double-standards, please.
And all girls are sluts? Have you met all the girls in this world? How the hell would you know? I'm a virgin myself but just because someone's not doesn't necessarily make him/her a slut. What an idiotic idea.
Ok, I understand it's a big deal, I feel the same. Sometimes it worries me if the person I'm with is not a virgin, plenty of reasons behind that. If you're not a virgin, fine- but numbers do matter to me. But that's not the problem here.
You're making a big deal that she's not a virgin because you feel liek you've been cheated- at a loss. But don't you think that's a bit unfair? You're not a virgin either, and the way you described it, it sounds like you've had your share. So why is it (and I'm sorry if I'm taking this the wrong way) suddenly taboo if a girl's not a virgin but it's okay if a guy's not? It's not like she said she had 22 partners (in that case, I understand your post) but it seems like this post is a bit...much blown out of proportion over a girls virginity.
honestly, shouldn't you be looking at yourself and asking the same question? why didn't you wait so that she could have you all to herself? or does it only matter if the woman's a slut?
@sLaVeGiRl01@xanga - right on!
Nice use of perpetuating the double standard that it's totally okay for you to not be a virgin while expecting - no, demanding - her to be one. You're an asshole, case closed.
If you're so fucking concerned with the state of her hymen find a Christian girl who wants to keep it in her pants until marriage, and wait for how disappointed she's going to be when she finds out you didn't do the same for her. Good luck, hope you find exactly what you're looking for.
A person is never for you. You don't get to 'have' her. You are not entitled to any of her, you don't deserve to have someone care enough about you to be with you. (By the way, this is a generalized you, not the author in question).
As humans, we need to recognize that a relationship is not a right, it is a privilege. If somebody is gracious enough to even like us for a short period of time, we need to see that as what it is, a gift. We are not entitled to it, we are not entitled to their bodies, or their hearts, or their minds.
This is to the author: get over it. Sorry to be blunt.
And think about it, double standards for virginity can't work. Because if a guys not a virgin, then of course, a girl isn't gonna be either... Now if you multiply that scenario, then of course plenty of other girls aren't gonna be virgins as well.
-SgMl
@JadedJanissary@xanga - I agreed. For years after learning about abstinence, I really wanted to keep that part until I married someone. But regrettably, in a way, some bad parts in my life led me to such that I had to live with. I accept myself these days...
Are you serious? I feel like this post is the reason why so many girls think guys are assholes.
Part of being in a relationship is accepting people for their "flaws'. Not being a virgin isn't even a flaw, but it's sad how you're losing respect for her just because she's not what you deem to be perfect. I imagine you wouldn't want her to do the same to you. Get over your double standard, else I imagine you're going to be lonely. You're not a virgin either - and a more bitter one at that.
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - this is why i <3 you lol
this is such a sexist view against women. men can go have sex all they want and apparently, that's a good thing. the girl youre seeing has had sex and you cant view her the same way? puh lease. you need to get your head out of the 19th century. this is the 21st century for crying out loud!
i'd be a little more sympathetic to your situation if you were a virgin. but you're not. so don't hold girls to any standards you wouldn't hold yourself to. just because she's had sex doesn't mean she's a slut. maybe she was in a very lasting relationship where it was a very sacred thing for her to lose her virginity.
or maybe it was a sort of rape, or almost rape sort of thing... before my current boyfriend, i had only had sex once, so i wasn't a virgin, but it was because the guy was my ex, and he both cornered me and pressured me into it. it didn't help that i was not in the best emotional state at the time either.
i think you need to learn to start accepting women as equals and not viewing them differently just because they've had sex (like you) before you start dating anyone. it's not fair of you to judge her based on that. that's like assuming something based on race or religion, which is also rather unacceptable in my book.
ps, you are a sexist bastard. do not ever call women "sluts"
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - :) agreed!
@D2L_Pastor@revelife - Yay, me too! I've been with my boyfriend for four years and haven't had sex [yet].
I do get where you're coming from [in reference to the blog]. I'd feel a bit off if I knew he'd already been with someone else.
Okay wait, so it's okay for YOU to have sex and not her?
That's sexist, but also hypocritical. If you have such an issue with people having sex too easy, then how are you a non virgin? Even if you regret it, it's more proof that people make mistakes, but the way you wrote strongly implies you have no problem with the fact that you yourself had sex.
Im confused, if u aren't a virgin, then why does it bother u if she isn't?
i dont think you deserve her .
If a girl is not a virgin, she's then...a slut? what are you then?
I would never ever date a man like you because you don't seem to have respect for neither women nor yourself.
...and I find you quite a coward when you censor your virginity issues.
well, good luck on finding virgin girls ( you just dont know what you are missing out)
psh I'm a virgin :)
@D2L_Pastor@revelife -
i aim to be like you.
im 16 (in two months lmao), and a virgin, unlike most of my friends.
and i dont really exgage in sexual activies.
(interpret that one as you wish).
Didn't we have a similar post a few weeks ago...with some guy saying that he expects the girl he marries to be a virgin but he was a non-virgin?
You men and your ridiculous sexist veiws of women...
It's men like you who will expect his girlfriend to dress or speak a certain way because she is suppose to be delicate and fragile as women "should" be. I think you have very twisted and unrealistic ideas of what a healthy giving relationship is about. It's not about "owning" someone. That's what you are referring to by saying that she has to give everything to you. That's absolutely ludicrous and stupid.
Datingish come on... cant you give us anything better?
Oh, and in the author's defense, he's not necessarily criticizing the girl for not being a virgin. He's expressing how he feels about it. On that same note... just because it's a double standard doesn't mean it's not legitimate. He's not suggesting that women should stay virgins for his benefit but he should not. I have a double standard for a lot of things. Men and women are different, hence, two different standards. Sexist? Maybe. But we are undeniably different. The important thing to remember is that while there may be a double 'standard' that we accept that there are exceptions to every 'rule' or 'standard'. I think it should be standard for men to hold doors open for women, offer to lift heavy things, and reach for the top shelf. Why? Because it's nice, we're stronger, and taller. Exceptions? Abso*bleeping*lutely. But yeah, it's a double standard.
On that note, it WOULD be unreasonable for him to expect all women to stay virgins for his benefit, while he is not, but he's not saying that, now is he? He's just expressing how it makes him feel, and if decides that it's a deal-breaker, then he's just narrowed his own market. I don't think he's judging the rest of the girls... now if he lied about his own virginity in order to get those girls that's an entirely different story...
My boyfriend had been with two other girls before me.
It really REALLY took alot of time getting past it--the fact that he always had a little bit of them because of this fact (and vice versa).
Though I don't feel sex before marriage is wrong in the slightest, I really like the concept of being with only one person.
It is a decision now that he says he wishes he would've made better, but its okay, because i love him.
It is quite the dilemma, but a fixable one. I don't know your situation entirely, but I had never been with anyone before. I told him that it upset me that he has. Since he nor I can change it, one just has to cope.
If it's worth it, you'll cope.
Pretty big double standard here, seeing as you aren't a virgin either. However...
"Aren't we just accepting this and lowering our standards?"<--Yes.
Cliche, but true statement: Just because "everyone" is doing something doesn't make it okay, right, 'cool', or a smart decision.