Sunday, 04 January 2009
-
I Felt Abandoned - Was I A Needy GF?
This is a guest blog submitted by bike_for_life.
My last relationship lasted roughly two months. My longest has been three months long, but I am usually single because I don't pursue something unless I think it could lead to marriage, and it is very difficult finding your lifetime mate in a small, rural college town. It's been almost three years since I've had a bona fide boyfriend (I've dated in between, but nothing substantial).This last one had the potential to get serious, but he began distancing himself. We said we were going to make out at his workplace on a Thursday. We planned it all out and I came to visit him, but he hardly touched me. I emailed him with possible plans for our next date, which we agreed would be Saturday. He never responded to these plans because he said he didn't think they were immediate; apparently I had put "Saturday" only in the title of the message and he didn't read the title. I didn't receive a call all Friday or Saturday, so I went home to my parents' place because I didn't want to be alone.
I didn't call him because I figured that I had already made contact, so the ball was in his court and I didn't want to annoy him or appear needy. He called on Sunday as if nothing was wrong and wanted to make plans for the week. I confronted him on this distancing a few days later, but he told me that he would never be passive-aggressive with me and he would let me know, in no uncertain terms, if he needed space.
He then told me that one of his friends would be visiting the next weekend, so he would be booked. He also mentioned that they would probably take shrooms together (he smoked pot multiple times during the week, which really bothered me because I don't use.We had a few talks about this, but, "ultimately, it's the user's decision.") The following weekend mimicked the first. I didn't hear from him until Sunday, and I didn't call him because (1) I was afraid of calling when he was tripping (2) I didn't want to appear needy because he told me he would be busy (3) I was studying for my final exams. All the same, it would have been nice to receive a call from him to check up on my studying.
We got together on Tuesday, cooked supper together at his place and played Risk with his friends until 1 a.m. Interestingly, he did not ask me to stay over, which was something that I had done before - in fact, we had not had alone time in two weeks. We made tentative plans for the following day, but when he called me later, he told me that he was going to go on a midnight nature walk with his friends.
I asked if they would be smoking pot; he told me "probably," but I was welcome to come with them. I was somewhat astounded because he knew his habit bothered me - part of our agreement is that he wouldn't be high around me - and we hadn't made out in so long. Plus, we wouldn't be seeing each other for a month or so because break was coming up. In the end, I told him that our time with his friends was not the same as just our time together and that I couldn't come out so late because I hadn't started studying for my last final at 8:30 a.m. the next day. I told him that I was upset because I had been looking forward to seeing him before we left for break.
The next day, we ended up breaking up because I felt that he wasn't present in the relationship. I felt alone while seeing him, especially towards the end, because he'd always had time for his friends. We stopped going on dates (which he made a point of scheduling in the beginning); stopped making out; stopped spending the night at each other's places; email correspondence declined; texting declined; phone calls became sparse.
He didn't seem to understand why I felt alone and said he was content with things. He said things got hectic around finals, but I told him that he always seemed to have time for his friends. I told him I liked his friends, but that I wanted to date him, not them. And, lastly, I said that I couldn't grow with him if we never spent time together. We're technically on a break, but I haven't heard from him since and I'm considering myself single.
These are my questions:
1) Was I wrong to feel as alone as I did in that relationship?
2) Was I too needy in expecting alone time even though we had made only tentative plans?
3) Should I have called on those weekends?
4) Was I wrong to object to his drug use?
-
recommend
- recs 0
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Related Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: bike_for_life
- Name: bike_for_life
- About Me: I'm an introvert in an extraverted world. I love long contemplative walks, road biking, and writing.
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 3346 Comments: 0 49 View all posts by bike_for_life
Comments (51)
No on all accounts.
Personally, I'm against any type of drug use and smoking. I tried to make exceptions for some people, and acknowledge it's their own choice and I shouldn't make them change. However, it still bothered me and in the end, neither side would change opinions/actions. So now it's my deal-breaker in a relationship... I'd rather not get involved, b/c it'll just cause unnecessary stress to the relationship.
My current boyfriend isn't involved in anything like that and it's amazing.
1. No. Not at all. Seeing as how he never had time for you but had all sorts of time for his friends and his pot.
2. No. He always made an excuse as to why he couldn't spend time alone with you and it was probably so he could smoke his pot.
3. It probably wouldn't have made a difference either way.
4. No. You are showing that you genuinely care about his health, but this is something you probably should have given some consideration before you decided to go out with him.
Personally, I think what is most important to him right now is his pot and pot-sy friends. You and he made an agreement that he wouldn't smoke it around you and I believe that he is the kind to keep a promise/agreement. However, he's made excuses as to why you and he can't hang out but he has all this time to go do stuff with his buddies because it means he'll get to smoke his pot. I suppose he is right that it is his choice, and while you have to respect that, you don't have to date him if that is where his life is going and you want nothing to do with it.
i'm so sorry that you got saddled with an asshole. it seems that there are many of them running around. but when that right man finds you, he will woo and court you like you deserve to be.
1) Was I wrong to feel as alone as I did in that relationship?
No. U have to be yourself and seriously u were alone. I spent even more time with a friend ( who is a guy ) than you have with ur bf altho we were only dating.
2) Was I too needy in expecting alone time even though we had made only tentative plans?
Nope. U arent, we all have our own needs.
3) Should I have called on those weekends?
well i would have called and asked him to compromise
4) Was I wrong to object to his drug use?
no. Before u continue or want this back, i want u to think for urself and the consequences of getting with a drug abuser. It is hell. Do not go through the hell.
It might be a better thing to move on.
1) No. He was making time for his friends, but not you. I think any person who cared about someone like you did would feel alone after not seeing him in such a long time. Once, my ex did the same thing but it turns out he was just being a coward and wanted me to break up with him so I wouldn't "be as hurt."
2) No. All relationships need alone time. That's what keeps you close! Sure, you need time with him and friends sometimes to experience the time you'll be with them all, but you absolutely need alone time.
3) No. He didn't call you back and you obviously made attempts to contact him and to make plans. He doesn't sound like he cared enough.
4) If you two talked about it before and came to the agreement on it that you did, then it is wrong. You knew it going into the relationship, so you shouldn't have judged him. Never expect someone to change for you after you're together. If he's doing drugs before, then he probably won't stop. If you have a problem with drugs, you might want to find someone who doesn't use.
stop questioning yourself. i recently got out of a relationship that lasted for a year and a half. my ex boyfriend was an all around jerk, yelled at me all the time, told me i was a piece of crap just generally stuff that made him a really crappy boyfriend. my friends saw me cry over something he did to me almost every single day and knew that he was such an ass. when we broke up though, i blamed myself even though everyone else told me that clearly he was in the wrong, even i knew it but i blamed myself because i was alone. its not fun to be alone when you are single, but if you feel alone in a relationship there is something wrong with the relationship. he blew you off and didn't make time for you. thats not how a relationship should be, he should want you and want your time. i promise you that you did the right thing. and if he cared about you his drug usage wouldn't have become a problem because he would have made a substantial effort to quit or to lessen his usage. i promise you it will get easier, you'll move on and realize that you are SO much better off. just try to be strong.
I hate to say this, but the fact that you feel the need to ask all these questions would lead me to believe that you're a little insecure. Of course you have your own needs, but you guys were only in a relationship for two months, and if you dislike being alone so much that you went to your parents' to avoid it, you may want to think about bolstering yourself before you decide to get serious with someone else.
I am also serious about relationships, but you seem like you were a bit attached a little early on. If I were you, I might spend some more time on myself before I try to find that perfect person- pamper yourself, do things that you enjoy, embrace your hobbies. The stronger you are in being yourself, the stronger you will be in a relationship.
honestly, it sounded like you two were headed different places
You shouldnt get upset about too much "alone time" because a big fear is that people would loose contact with thier friends. I'd choose my friends anyday over a 3 month boyfriend. But honestly, you have different goals, you took him seriously and apparently he had greater concerns than how you felt. So no, I dont think you should feel bad about wanting to spend time together.
He should have made time to call you
And honestly, If he is into drugs..he will probably end up a deadbeat....and do you realize how gross shrooms are? I would not want to be making out with him after that. eww.
Its better you broke up with him, seems to me any potential he had went out to the garbage long before you met him.
1) Was I wrong to feel as alone as I did in that relationship?
No. You should find someone who will give you the right amount of attention that you need.
2) Was I too needy in expecting alone time even though we had made only tentative plans?
Half yes half no. You're not needy in that you were expecting alone time but you were wrong to have expected it making only tentative plans. Guys are stright forward (some may say dumb, I say they don't know girl language) "yes" and "no" mean something. "Maybe" means just a tad more than nothing.
3) Should I have called on those weekends?
I don't know how to answer this other than: I think that you think WAAYYYYY too much.
4) Was I wrong to object to his drug use?
No, but like you said "it's the user's decision".
I just wanted to add that good things come from unexpected places. My current boyfriend and I got together after one night of playful flirting at a friend's birthday party. I wasn't even looking for a boyfriend, I was just playing around (I'm not a slut or whore at all, I'm actually kind of the nerdy girl who goes around rarely even wearing make up), but our relationship is going very strong. I don't think you should be so... (err I can't find the right word so I'm going to use this one) "obsessive" in your search for "the one".
1. No. He was hanging out with his friends more than you, and then claimed to have no time, so it's no wonder that you felt alone.
2. No. Alone time is vital in a serious relationship. You hadn't had "alone time" in a while, so of course you'd want it.
3. I don't see how calling him would have done much good, in this case. He was too enveloped in himself and his friends.
4. No. It's harmful to him and you in the long run.
If he didn't notice a problem, his use of drugs obviously got to his head and made it to where he has no ability to think. You deserve better.
Find a book by Gary Chapman, called "Five love languages: how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate" (he also wrote another book called "Five love languages - for singles). It is a life changing book and has restored countless number of marriages and relationships. It is simple and clear and you will learn A LOT about yourself and about your partner.
no x4.
Yes on all 4's.
It just sounds like you were both looking for different things in the relationship. He was looking for a friend/possible girlfriend that fit into his social life with minimal impact.
You were impatiently looking for a boyfriend, before getting past the intial getting-to-know-you-part. And You had no right to try to tell him how to live his life.
BTW, not to be rude, but the whole "we-planned-to-make-out sounds very junior high. In grown-up relationships, nobody makes "plans to make out".
hey :)
i dont think you were wrong to feel alone. he didn't give you the attention you deserved. if he really liked you i think he should have split his time between you and his friends.
I think you made the right decision by not calling. Like you said, the ball was in his court. You made it clear you wanted to hang out and it was up to him to reciprocate.
You were not wrong at all to object with his drug use. You should not change your views for someone else.
Btw i like your "about me". I feel exactly the same. I am also an intovert. bla
1) Was I wrong to feel as alone as I did in that relationship?
No, you are not wrong. You have a right to have standards and you wanted quality time with him and you weren't getting it.
2) Was I too needy in expecting alone time even though we had made only tentative plans?
He might have thought it was tentative plans, but you didn't. Couples go on dates, not group hang outs.
3) Should I have called on those weekends?
If you wanted to call, you could have called. It wouldn't be labeled needy. It wasn't as if you called him 5x a day to check up on him. He could also have called you to stop you from thinking about him too much while you were studying and making you re-think his feelings toward you.
4) Was I wrong to object to his drug use?
If you don't believe in drug usage, you should NOT be with a guy who abuses drug.
You will find a better guy than this person will. He needs to mature and appreciate the real good long lasting things/people in his life.
In my opinion, you are a bit naive in thinking that you could find somebody you want to marry in a couple of months, especially when your longest has been only 3 months. How old are you? Why are you so worried? And I only say these things because I'm a 26 and I've just went through all this "gotta find a husband and feel secure in our almost-married relationship" haze a couple of months ago... trust me, you have to give yourself MORE time than a couple of months, ALSO if you're dating guys in their early 20s, it's going to to definitely take longer until both of you are BOTH 100% certain.
That being said, don't bother dating guys who smokes more pot than seeing/talking to you. Like the comments said before, it's just not healthy to be second best to drugs. What the hell is wrong with this guy? He was content in the relationship because he didn't have to DO anything except grace you with his presence every now and then. That's not a boyfriend, you'd probably see your mailman more often than you see him! Enjoy yourself and please, learn to be yourself and by yourself without feeling such loneliness. It's not healthy; being busy in taking care of yourself is far more profitable in life than trailing around guys like this who are clearly not worth your time! :DThe drugs would be a dealbreaker for me in all aspects.
sounds like he just wasn't that into you. sorry chick. not wanting your bf to be a pothead isn't unreasonable. let it go and find someone better, who will at least be honest with you.
1) Was I wrong to feel as alone as I did in that relationship? - Hmm, I don't feel that it was wrong of you, but it seems you just set down what happened in two weeks. which is really short of a time. Honestly, the whole making plans and trying to tie the week down sucks. Why can't it be spontaneous? Take, I don't know, off the top of your head trips or do things crazy. Why does it need to be planned so ahead of time? Its the whole commitment thing, I get it, but technically two months is a hell of a short time to decide, if he's the one. I say you need to give about 6months to see if they're "marriage" material.
2) Was I too needy in expecting alone time even though we had made only tentative plans? - Sometimes its best you take alone time, yes, but don't expect it everytime you meet up. Its best to be liked by his friends as well him being liked by your friends. You should try to make your relationships so exclusive.
3) Should I have called on those weekends? - Look, what you did is what you did. No need to look back on it and think if you've made a mistake. You would have called, you would have ended up regretting that.
4) Was I wrong to object to his drug use? - This question, you don't even need to ask. No. Plus a person that uses drugs often don't really seem "commitment" material.
1) Was I wrong to feel as alone as I did in that relationship?
No. However, I think you stuck around too long and gave him more attention (and explanation) than he deserved.
2) Was I too needy in expecting alone time even though we had made only tentative plans?
In my opinion, no. Some people are different though. He should make an effort.
3) Should I have called on those weekends?
No. You did the right thing, imo.
4) Was I wrong to object to his drug use?
If it bothers you then it bothers you. But you have to accept people as they are. He was in the right to let you know you can't change it. But it was also your right to request his not being high around you.
Overall, you seem a bit hopelessly romantic, but without having a firm grip on how things really are. There are great guys out there who won't be such a douche bag. But you can't turn this douche bag into one of them. I think you finally got that after awhile. Hopefully,though, you'll be able to grasp that earlier on, before you're heartbroken.
You probably are needy, but why is that bad? My sister is needy, and her relationships were always sooooo short, but then she found a guy who's really needy, and they just got engaged. I never thought it would happen.
Anyway, I think you're better off without him. It seems like he put his friends and DRUGS before you. And I can almost see the friends thing, 'cause y'all hadn't been dating that long, but the drugs? Why waste your time with that? I mean, if you're okay with it, that's one thing, but since you weren't...
Just hold out for that guy who truly deserves you and wants to be with you, not with his bong.
you're a fucking idiot, get fucking real.
He was just a shitty dude. Move on with life. Some guys just suck at being in relationships. It seems like you're very passive. Too passive... Most guys find that boring.
Your ex-boyfriend reminds me of how I used to be. I was about as present in the relationship as much as he appeared to be, which is not at all. I do think that you could have communicated better with him. After two months, you shouldn't be playing games about calling once in a weekend. If you want to talk, talk. I also think that you shouldn't have expected him to stop doing drugs for you. Marijuana isn't a crippling addiction, so there's little motivation to give it up, especially over a girl you've been seeing for only two months. Lastly, if you want to set a date, don't send an e-mail. Make a phone call!
Expecting a guy to not smoke pot for you is retarded. That's the main thing you were thinking that was stupid.
If you didn't like that he smoked pot frequently, then you made the mistake of going out with him in the first place. He did nothing wrong smoking pot multiple times a week, and he even invited you to be around him and his friends when he did it, so obviously he wasn't trying to ditch you for them.
Anyways, it didn't seem like he didn't like you as much as you didn't like his lifestyle. That's essentially your fault. He apparently likes to get high and hang with his friends.
He told you you could accompany him in this life he was living- he didn't try to leave you out: you just didn't want to go with.
If you started complaining too much about him being himself, which is what you seemed to be doing, that might have made him less interested in you. Going on less dates: well that's not necessarily meaningful. Guys usually don't ask girls out on many dates after the initial getting to know you phase- after that, they try to encorporate you into their everyday lives. You didn't want that to happen though = your fault.
You guys weren't compatible and you were wrong in thinking you could change him.