Sunday, 04 January 2009
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I Felt Abandoned - Was I A Needy GF?
This is a guest blog submitted by bike_for_life.
My last relationship lasted roughly two months. My longest has been three months long, but I am usually single because I don't pursue something unless I think it could lead to marriage, and it is very difficult finding your lifetime mate in a small, rural college town. It's been almost three years since I've had a bona fide boyfriend (I've dated in between, but nothing substantial).This last one had the potential to get serious, but he began distancing himself. We said we were going to make out at his workplace on a Thursday. We planned it all out and I came to visit him, but he hardly touched me. I emailed him with possible plans for our next date, which we agreed would be Saturday. He never responded to these plans because he said he didn't think they were immediate; apparently I had put "Saturday" only in the title of the message and he didn't read the title. I didn't receive a call all Friday or Saturday, so I went home to my parents' place because I didn't want to be alone.
I didn't call him because I figured that I had already made contact, so the ball was in his court and I didn't want to annoy him or appear needy. He called on Sunday as if nothing was wrong and wanted to make plans for the week. I confronted him on this distancing a few days later, but he told me that he would never be passive-aggressive with me and he would let me know, in no uncertain terms, if he needed space.
He then told me that one of his friends would be visiting the next weekend, so he would be booked. He also mentioned that they would probably take shrooms together (he smoked pot multiple times during the week, which really bothered me because I don't use.We had a few talks about this, but, "ultimately, it's the user's decision.") The following weekend mimicked the first. I didn't hear from him until Sunday, and I didn't call him because (1) I was afraid of calling when he was tripping (2) I didn't want to appear needy because he told me he would be busy (3) I was studying for my final exams. All the same, it would have been nice to receive a call from him to check up on my studying.
We got together on Tuesday, cooked supper together at his place and played Risk with his friends until 1 a.m. Interestingly, he did not ask me to stay over, which was something that I had done before - in fact, we had not had alone time in two weeks. We made tentative plans for the following day, but when he called me later, he told me that he was going to go on a midnight nature walk with his friends.
I asked if they would be smoking pot; he told me "probably," but I was welcome to come with them. I was somewhat astounded because he knew his habit bothered me - part of our agreement is that he wouldn't be high around me - and we hadn't made out in so long. Plus, we wouldn't be seeing each other for a month or so because break was coming up. In the end, I told him that our time with his friends was not the same as just our time together and that I couldn't come out so late because I hadn't started studying for my last final at 8:30 a.m. the next day. I told him that I was upset because I had been looking forward to seeing him before we left for break.
The next day, we ended up breaking up because I felt that he wasn't present in the relationship. I felt alone while seeing him, especially towards the end, because he'd always had time for his friends. We stopped going on dates (which he made a point of scheduling in the beginning); stopped making out; stopped spending the night at each other's places; email correspondence declined; texting declined; phone calls became sparse.
He didn't seem to understand why I felt alone and said he was content with things. He said things got hectic around finals, but I told him that he always seemed to have time for his friends. I told him I liked his friends, but that I wanted to date him, not them. And, lastly, I said that I couldn't grow with him if we never spent time together. We're technically on a break, but I haven't heard from him since and I'm considering myself single.
These are my questions:
1) Was I wrong to feel as alone as I did in that relationship?
2) Was I too needy in expecting alone time even though we had made only tentative plans?
3) Should I have called on those weekends?
4) Was I wrong to object to his drug use?
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About the Author
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- From: bike_for_life
- Name: bike_for_life
- About Me: I'm an introvert in an extraverted world. I love long contemplative walks, road biking, and writing.
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Comments (51)
1. no.
2. no.3. no.4. yes.he's not ready for a commitment.
1. No. How you feel is how you feel. And that's a really astute observation to come to-- that you can feel alone when you're with someone.
2. No. Dating entails alone time. And it's not as if you were monopolizing his time and taking him away from his friends.
3. Doesn't sound as though it would have made a difference if you did or not.
4. No, but if it's something that you knew about him early on, you probably should have thought about whether or not you wanted to date a pot smoker. Like any lifestyle choice or habit, you have to ask yourself if it's a dealbreaker. Judging someone for it after you've already decided to accept it is a little unfair.
Final comment: The question shouldn't be whether or not you were a "needy" girlfriend. We all have needs! It's just a matter of finding someone who can fulfill them. You obviously needed more attention than your bf was willing to give. You identified the problem and did something about it. Nothing wrong with that.
My advice..
NEVER DATE SOMEONE WHO SMOKES POT
They will pick the drug over you...
I have vowed since my first boyfriend (ex now)
to never date someone who smoked.. or did drugs in general for that matter
It just seems he wasn't ready for a relationship
and to me alone time is a HUGE part of a relationship so i would be upset if he never wanted to be alone with me
1) Was I wrong to feel as alone as I did in that relationship?
girl i feel ya~ especially in the beginning stages of a relationship
like that.. being alone makes you feel like you're not in part of a
relationship at all. well, first off... you dated this guy ... and was
actually considering marrying him even though he has a habit you don't
approve of at all?? red flag #1.
2) Was I too needy in expecting alone time even though we had made only tentative plans?
If you think it was plans that were leading somewhere but he didn't.. then you guys are on different pages so you can't expect him to be on the same page about alone time. You're on different scales.
3) Should I have called on those weekends?
I think you should have had fun on your own without him.
4) Was I wrong to object to his drug use?
No, if it's not something you like.. he needs to know that. and if he wants to work it out with you, he'd make an effort to change.. if he reallie wants to. so if he doesn't change, then you should leave him. i think you should just leave him regardless... but that's my impression
1. I would have felt the same way.
2. Every couple needs their alone time.
3. Calling just to check up once a day is fine, but he could have done the same.
4. Objecting to illegal activity isn't a bad thing.
1) No.
2) No.
3) No, he should have put forth a little effort.
4) No, but ultimately it's his choice anyway.
LOL the guy sounds like a loser, sorry
You don't sound needy to me, just someone who knows what they want out of a relationship
1. no. simply put.
2/3. to me, you are a bit clingy; the mere idea of wondering if you're doing too much and not wanting to be clingy, makes you so. If you want to talk to a person, you can just call them as many times as you want to. Wanting alone time is good, but you don't need to make plans to have it; be a gf. just stop by.
4. yes. if you don't like it and didn't from the beginning, who are you supposed to be to just hop into someone's life and have them change to your liking? that's retarded. I bet he couldn't change you into a person that didn't believe in marriage, or someone that was into threesomes. Don't go in trying to change anyone. Period.
The other thing, is that honestly... If you come off as the super-serious relationship type, you're going to kill it yourself. You place so much immediate weight on your relationship. If a guy wants to be in something serious, let him show his signs and don't make him feel OBLIGATED to do something or hang out with you. With that much pressure, who'd want to be there?
Girl, get a reality check. Don't sit around and plan on marrying ever boy/guy/man you meet. You never know how things are going to turn out. This right here
"We said we were going to make out at his workplace on a Thursday" Is very disturbing. Hate to tell you this, but if I were a guy and a girl 'planned' a makeout sesion with me, and I wasnt in 6th grade, I would be gone before that day even arrived. Your entire perspective on men in general is just fucked. There is no secret pressure you need to place on every man about how things need to work out to your fairy tale love life that isn't going to happen with those kind of rediculus ideals."He called on Sunday as if nothing was wrong and wanted to make plans for the week." THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG, the man was being honest. Youre the one who sat around and didnt call, waited for him to be insecure. "he smoked pot multiple times during the week, which really bothered me" WTF Why are you even considering this random guy as a boyfriend nonetheless as someone to marry if you cant come to terms on something as important and lifestyle deciding as this.You need a realitycheck.You are the one causing problems here. Fact is, guys are not programmed for commitment, exspecially after a few months. YOU NEED TO BE HIS FRIEND before you can start out marrying the dude. You need to sit back, and look at your life and how you are letting one man run and ruin it for you. You are not just a doll or a puppet. Or are you?Seriously. This is pathetic. Yes you are needy.1) Was I wrong to feel as alone as I did in that relationship? Most likely. He was away from you because of the rediculus amount of pressure you put on him.2) Was I too needy in expecting alone time even though we had made only tentative plans? This isnt even valid as an important question.
3) Should I have called on those weekends? Yes, People don't read minds.
4) Was I wrong to object to his drug use? Hell no. If your planning on marrying eveyone you meet anyhow.
I'd say that Simply_Cynical@xanga has several brilliant points.
1) Was I wrong to feel as alone as I did in that relationship?
No, people have different needs and different thresholds of what they believe is being alone and together with another person. For example, not calling for an entire day will be okay to some couples because they know that they're busy and have things to do. Regardless of the time spent away, they believe that it's okay to not call. However, other couples may end up freaking out if they don't hear from their significant other every five hours or so. If you felt alone, then you've gone over that line into loneliness. Couples must talk about these things directly and make it known that something's wrong in order to fix it. You may believe that it's entirely screwed up as to how alone you might be...However, if you beat around the bush and aren't telling them BLUNTLY and HONESTLY, then the other person just won't get it.
2) Was I too needy in expecting alone time even though we had made only tentative plans?3) Should I have called on those weekends?
Be more direct with your plans. Don't expect people to pick up every single clue or hint that you drop. If he doesn't seem to call back or make a response as to the plans you've created, then just give a small call to him asking something like, "Hey darling, I just wanted to check up and see if it's okay with you to meet on Saturday~" It's not being needy. Needy is if you called twenty times consecutively. Communication is the key in all relationships. Tell him that you desire alone time or even drop by yourself on the spur of the moment (after carefully considering his plans for the day of course). Tentative plans will work from time to time if the communication in the relationship is strong.
4) Was I wrong to object to his drug use?It's not wrong at all to hold an opinion. However, to attempt to change a person from their habits is entirely wrong as well. Relationships aren't meant to change people but rather give experiences that will allow people to understand one another. You can never fix or change a person and it'd be in vain to even try. He has to make that decision himself to stop using drugs. If he doesn't, then that's it. If you seriously object to it and can't live with it, then you shouldn't be with him in the first place.
Once again, you need a very strong sense of communication in a relationship in order to make it work. You also need someone that you are willing to like/love with their flaws included as well. Your neediness will seem to change from person to person because we all have different levels of neediness. When you find the right person, perhaps you won't seem that way anymore. But in my eyes, you don't seem to be needy at all. You know what you want. The problem is, you're not attempting to get it and you're waiting for the guy to step in and do something.
Sometimes they need a kick in the arse (as we all do) so they realize what's going on. ;3
He has to make time for you as well as his friend. And its not right you have to sugguest plans and whatnot. He should want to see you.
Xo
You could do better than him. Why were you sweating him in the first place? He doesnt seem like he is ready for a commitment. Perhaps, he has another girl on the side. Maybe, he smoke so much pot that he doesnt even know the time of day. Go find a guy that has it all figure out
@zretrareo27@xanga - Why do you feel this need to attack her? Maybe *boys* aren't programmed for commitment, but I've found that nice guys who are mature and know what they want to do with their life CAN make a commitment to take a relationship seriously if it's clear that it's an exclusive relationship--even in the first few months. You don't know why he was away from her, it could be any number of reasons. The bottom line is it's never wrong to feel alone, because it's a basic need to feel loved and wanted. It doesn't matter whose fault it is, it's still a need.
Honestly, I feel that the more distant boyfriends become the more girls start requiring more time spent together. Maybe if they would just express their feelings at the start, it wouldn't get to the point of guys calling girls needy. But from what I've seen, the guys put it off until they blow up. No, you're not too needy in expecting alone time even if you only had hesitant plans. The fact that you guys even started to make plans means the polite thing to do would've been for him to see if you still wanted to hang out. As for the calling thing--there's just no winning. Some guys never want you to call and to give them space, some guys want you to call whenever. My advice is communicate about what should be done, because it *will* vary. But I do think you're better off without someone who electively subjects his body to harmful substances, and that it was responsible of you to try and persuade him to stop. I don't believe in changing someone you're dating either, but if it's something serious then hell yes you should try. I wonder if the people who said you were wrong for doing that would still be saying the same thing if he were an alcoholic--that's a lifestyle choice too, and a very harmful one.1) Was I wrong to feel as alone as I did in that relationship?
No. Your feelings are your own. They are never wrong. Were your feelings substantiated by reality? I'd say yes. He wasn't making himself physically or emotionally available to you. You felt as you did and you were justified in how you felt. Don't sweat it.
2) Was I too needy in expecting alone time even though we had made only tentative plans?
Hmmmmmmmm. Hmmm. Hm. Yarrrr, I have no good answer for this. I'll answer this at the end.
3) Should I have called on those weekends?
Same as above. I'll answer at the end.
4) Was I wrong to object to his drug use?
So this is what I always tell people getting into relationships with others who have habits they do not like. It is TOO much to ask someone you're just starting to date to quit something that is a part of them. What you CAN do is two things. First, what you did, please try not to do it around me. Second, and this is important. You should make it clear that if your relationship goes long term you WILL EVENTUALLY ASK THEM TO QUIT. They should know and accept this. It is the same in long distance relationships. Many people will start an LDR and NOT be willing to move, therefore they should be upfront and say, I'm not asking you to move NOW, but eventually, I will. Same goes for you. That's really how it works.
Your questions on 2 and 3 are stage 5 of the 8 stages. It's not so much a matter of right and wrong, but a matter of expectations, and that is stage 5. People have varying expectations, so what's important is not WHAT they are, but that they are SIMILAR. Some girls are high maintenance (material-wise) and want fancy jewelry and clothes. Is it WRONG of them? No, it's just an expectation. If they date a guy who can't provide that, you have a disparity of expectation and one or both will have to move to change that. The same goes for you.
Are you too needy? Should you have called? Should he have called before Sunday? I'd say clearly you wanted him to, and that's OKAY. Your expectation is that he should and he should WANT to, and that's okay. But that was not HIS expectation, and therefore he did not. Your relationship died at stage 5. It's okay, a lot of relationships do. I have very high expectations for myself and for those who date my female friends. How high? Check out my blog here:
http://weblog.xanga.com/MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio/688000063/-and-ill-show-you-the-man-you-can-spend-the-rest-of-your-life-with.html
and here:
http://weblog.xanga.com/MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio/687683832/how-to-be-a-good-boyfriend-for-2009.html
It's not about what your expectations are. Some girls are needy, and that's okay. But they do need to match the man you find.
1. No - he was probably pushing you away hoping you'd make the first move so he wouldn't feel guilty about the breakup.
2. No - most guys jump at the chance for time with their girl and if they're stressed they usually tell her because they feel bad for her.
3. No - you were being respectful of his boundaries which is healthy and NOT CLINGY.
4. No - if you feel it's wrong you should let him know and discuss it with him. He seemed ready to check out so I doubt your objection was a deciding factor.
1) Was I wrong to feel as alone as I did in that relationship?
No, things were pretty one-sided and I bet a lot of people would feel the same way.
2) Was I too needy in expecting alone time even though we had made only tentative plans?
I don't think so.
3) Should I have called on those weekends?
No, you were already doing enough.
4) Was I wrong to object to his drug use?
No. I am not one of those "It's his choice" people here. His drug use is not only potentially harmful to him, it is illegal. If you are in his house or car and he gets caught with drugs, you could get in a lot of trouble too even when the drugs are not yours. That will go on your police record and it will follow you for life.
Drug use should be an immediate dealbreaker. Please do not date anyone involved in dangerous or illegal activities.
Since I just came out of a similar relationship, I would say that what I learned is that it is not needy to protect yourself from staying in a very distant relationship. Also, something I learned about myself is that I let guys have too much say, and don't stand up for myself enough. I think overall, a good relationship is good for both people. I want to feel good and have a say. So that said, everything works out for the best.
1) no, that sounds terribly lonely. i can somewhat relate, worst time of my life.
2) no, he's your boyfriend, and he should have made more of an effort.
3) yes, he needed to know how you felt, or else he may not have known you had a problem with how things were going.
4) as long as it's ultimately up to him, i see no problem with setting limits such as not around you. my boyfriend used to do shit like that too, i was always on him about it. he appreciated it eventually, and he stopped.
i think u done everything great .....dont worry he sounds an ass, and the drug thing? its illegal? like stealing would u stay with a bloke who steals thinking o its fine its his choice xx
Sounds like he likes pot more than he likes you. Why you would date someone who's into that in the first place is beyond me, but "ultimately, it's your decision."
1) Was I wrong to feel as alone as I did in that relationship?
2) Was I too needy in expecting alone time even though we had made only tentative plans?
3) Should I have called on those weekends?
4) Was I wrong to object to his drug use?
1. You weren't wrong to feel alone. Clearly this guy was not giving you the time that any boyfriend or girlfriend should be giving to their mate.
2. No. Too needy is having to spend time with him ALL the time, or calling him ALL the time, and depending on him for everything.
3. That's up to you. If I were in that situation (if my boyfriend was with a friend, not the part about tripping) I'd probably feel a little nervous about calling too.
4. You know that stuff's illegal right? Why would you be involved with someone like that? You were wrong to object at all, but remember that you knew he was into this stuff from the start, and yet you dated him anyway. That sends the message that you're okay with him doing it.
Overall, I'd say forget about him, you deserve someone better who would rather spend time with you instead of getting high.
I was in a relationship just like this. He started smoking. He ditched me for his friends. He couldn't come through with meeting me. We never touched, and if it was, it'd be me pulling him back.
1) Was I wrong to feel as alone as I did in that relationship?
Of course not. You feel how you feel.
2) Was I too needy in expecting alone time even though we had made only tentative plans?
No, mostly everyone's like this. He just didn't seem to consider your feelings, thoughts, or needs.
3) Should I have called on those weekends?
I wouldn't have called either. Especially if it doesn't seem like he's making an effort to see or talk to you.
4) Was I wrong to object to his drug use?
Not at all. If it's something you don't like, then okay. At least you let him know. But he still continued to do it... so I guess it didn't really matter that you said anything at all.
i'm not answering the questions.
all i have to say is the pot smoking and shrooms should be setting off alarms! if that is his lifestyle, and you are not ok with that, that is just asking for disaster.the only answer i have to offer, to cover all your questions (i hope), is that you have to be yourself and do right by you. If you want to call someone, call them, if they dont answer trust in voicemail, if they dont call back trust in the fact that there are six and a half billion people in the world living six and a half billion lives he is either busy, or doesnt want to talk to you.
if you dont like drugs and like a guy, speak your mind, and let the universe unfold as it will, its certainly not wrong, unless you want to mold his life into yours, let him make the decision about his life in regards to yours, but you must be honest, always be honest about who you are.and finally if you feel a certain way, alone, abandoned, annoyed, any way during a relationship, there's probably a reason.trust in yourself, be honest to and about yourself and trust that others are doing the same, directly or indirectly.you weren't wrong to feel alone in that relationship but i do think that you enter relationships with the wrong mindset. instead of focusing on the future "what ifs?" focus on the present. that's all that really matters. let relationships grow, it takes time.
as for the whole pot thing, i personally don't think it's a big deal unless it's severely impacting the users everyday life.
just relax, take a breath and have some fun! you are in college and your only young once. =)
I'ma give this one 4 no's