Saturday, 03 January 2009
-
I Crushed On A Guy While I Was Dating Someone
This is a guest blog submitted by AnonyMiss.Crushes. Everyone gets them, and usually, we don't even know why or how they came to develop.
Which could be a major problem. Mostly if you are already in a relationship.
My situation:
I've been going out with a really great guy for almost three years now. I can pretty clearly say I've been in love with him for the first two years of our relationship. We've been pretty stable throughout the whole time as well, and both of us have been very loyal to each other. I'm not the type of girl to cheat; I never have, and don't plan to be ever. I take holding another person's emotions in my hands seriously, so I don't think I'd ever be able to have the ability to go through cheating. I'm also a very selective person when it comes to picking a significant other, so I don't easily fall for guys quickly. But when any girl develops a crush, I think it's just a natural thing and it just can't be helped...
A few months ago, I unfortunately fell under that spell. I ended up developing a crush on this guy I know.
During the summer I hads studied abroad in Asia for a month, so I had no physical (and barely any electronic) communicative contact with my boyfriend during the entire time because he was all the way on the other side of the world in America. And all the while, that entire time, I was living in dorms with about 50 other people and hanging out with a huge new crowd of friends every day of that month. One of those people was my current "crush".
We went through a lot of crazy experiences during our trip, and my boyfriend's not being around the entire time made me feel a bit distant toward him...but I would think that's just a natural thing to happen with that huge distance between each other, right? Even though I was sad that my boyfriend wasn't around and I felt like we were drifting apart during that time, I still kept to my word and didn't try to get romantically involved with anyone during my trip. There were a few girls with me on the same trip that also had boyfriends before coming to Asia, and ended up falling for some guys there as well...and almost all of them ended up cheating. I was one of the two girls that kept faithful.
Once I came back from my trip, a bunch of the people that also went on my trip and lived in the same city as me started to hang out a lot more, and my current "crush" was also always present. We got pretty close, and although I feel he still looks to me as just a friend as of right now, I ended up developing a crush on him. No matter how much I told myself I didn't like him, and no matter how much I tried to shake it off, I just couldn't do it. Even while I would go on dates with my boyfriend, most of the time I just couldn't stop thinking about my crush; what is he doing right now? where is he? when's the next time we'll hang?...all the stupid things anyone thinks about when having a crush. I even came to the point of starting to talk about him to my boyfriend...and my boyfriend asking me directly if I liked him as more than a friend.
After denying it for a while, I eventually let it out and told him I might have a "crush" on someone else. Of course, he was upset. And I don't blame him...anyone would feel upset hearing that from the person they've been going out with.
But I would like to hear from others: Is it wrong to develop a crush on someone while you already have a boyfriend (even if you didn't mean to develop that liking for your crush) - would that be a factor of cheating? Does this make me a bad person?
Does this normally happen to a lot of people, and if you've gone through the same thing, what did you do about it?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (65)
Sure, it's "wrong," but it happens. It's almost impossible to stop yourself from developing crushes.
I had a crush on a guy a few summers ago, while my boyfriend was across the country (a move that was supposed to be permanent, but lasted only a few months, thankfully). When my boyfriend came back, things went back to normal. Now I look at my crush with a faint feeling of queasiness, and I can't help but compare him to my boyfriend. My boyfriend? So much better, at least for me.
The feeling will probably pass. You have to fight to make things work with your guy, and sometimes overcoming crushes is part of that fight.
PS - This is so unrelated, but I think my boyfriend has a crush on his older brother's girlfriend, which I find to be mildly hilarious. And yes, I'm a little jealous, but I finally get to tease him, rather than it being the other way around.
I dont think there is nothing wrong with crushing on someone...whats wrong is if you acted on it then you would be wrong for that. sense your bf is kind of far away it was bound to happen no matter how much you love/like your bf.
Thats good you was honest with your bf as well..i think he should have heads up just in CASE somehing does end up happening between you to (not saying it is but ya never know..ya dont know what the future holds) of course the bf is going to get mad but im sure he respects the fact that you was honest with him.
Hopefully this doesnt ruin your relationship with your current boyfriend. goodluck with everything.
I am going through the same thing actually lol. Have a huge crush on someone at work, but I love my bf and would never cheat on him with the guy. It doesnt make you a bad person honey. It happens. Dont beat yourself over it ok. Rather you should be proud that you was faithful and honest to your bf. Your bf is lucky to have someone like you.
It does not make you a bad person. Period. Our feelings are the most natural part of ourselves, even when we don't really LIKE what we feel. How we deal with our feelings is a bit different, and so far you have conducted yourself fairly appropriately. I'm glad you opened the discussion with your bf already, so here's my advice. Potential relationships are nice, and difficult to understand, but I always suggest that you NOT leave a current relationship FOR a potential one. Falling 'out of love' is a real thing. If that's the case, you should be prepared and leave your current bf on it's own validity, not BECAUSE you think there's more potential elsewhere. This way you won't "yo-yo" with your current bf. Relationships come and go and we live and learn and evolve. It doesn't make you a bad person to move on, whether you're still in the relationship or not. It's a LOT easier said than done though :). You're already dealing with it by discussing it here and with your bf, and hopefully you can pick up some great pointers from others here who have more experience with this than I. Good luck!
There is nothing wrong with crushing on another person while you're in a relationship. It can't really be controlled. I know I'm in the same boat. It's just that you have to have the self control to not cheat and follow those feelings. This doesn't make you a bad person at all as long as you don't do anything wrong.
it doesn't make you a bad person. but it would hurt a lot, if you heard it from him, wouldn't it? it may be natural, but your boyfriend deserves your resistance and faith.
and wow, you came clean to him. go you.
My boyfriend and I always tell the other when we have crushes. Telling usually shows how lucky you are to have the person you're actually with.
It's worked for two years, so...
It sounds like you only had a crush on this guy because you were vulnerable.
I think distance is needed from the crush. Its one thing to like a random stranger or think they are cute; but its another thing to like a friend.
Xo
I have crushes all the time, and it's bad
because I think I want to break up with my boyfriend now
=.='
what nadz and musingofan said!
"Rather you should be proud that you was faithful and honest to your bf. Your bf is lucky to have someone like you."
"Potential relationships are nice, and difficult to understand, but I always suggest that you NOT leave a current relationship FOR a potential one."
sorry I agree with those 2 so much that I had to repeat it~ haha anyway good luck!
@JessxMaxine@xanga - i agree.
it's one thing to have a crush while you're in a relationship... but if you want that to go away and continue having a successful relationship, i suggest you stay away from your crush and put your time where your heart is, if that's where your heart really is... honestly, your crush probably developed because your boyfriend wasn't there and you were lonely, and while that's all good and fine while you're out of country, you're back now, and i think you have to focus on your boyfriend, if you want that to last.
Why do people here treat relationships like anchors? As though moving on is wrong...
Is it possible that maybe your crush developed into something else? Length of time with your current boyfriend doesn't mean you are obligated to spend the rest of your life feeling strongly for him - you might not.
And no, it isn't wrong to have a crush on someone else. If you can't be around that person without feeling so incredibly tempted then maybe you should reevaluate your relationship.
Crushes are normal. I believe that it's part of human nature to be on the look out for other potential mates, even if you are part of a relationship. However, nothing - nothing - excuses cheating. Crushes could technically be seen as a type of cheating (mostly emotional/mental), but as long as no action is taken, such as becoming physical (typical cheating) or developing a deep sort of bond (serious emotional cheating), it's not as serious an offense.
You aren't a bad person because you've developed some sort of feelings for another person. What would make you a bad person would be acting on those feelings. If you treasure your relationship with your current boyfriend, you would find a way to put this other guy out of your mind and make things work between your boyfriend and yourself. If you're continuing to have feelings for this other guy despite being with your boyfriend, the best course of action may be to end your current relationship. No one wants to be in a half-assed relationship because it fucking hurts, deep down to the core, when you come clean to the other person about it. You seem to be treading water into some serious emotional cheating which can hurt the other person even more than physical cheating.
You can't help who you're attracted to. You didn't act on it, so I don't really see a problem.
They occur, esp in your case. But as you spend more time with your boyfriend that crush will fade. I think that you would be devastated with out your bf.
everyone has already pretty much said it. crushes are normal and can't be helped. and btw HUGE PROPS for coming clean with your boyfriend. that says a lot about the caliber of your relationship that you can be honest with each other like that. admitting you have a crush to your boyfriend is no simple feat. However, I'm also wondering (as someone already said) if you only developed this crush on him because you were vulnerable during your time abroad. I've studied abroad and crushed on someone too, and the experiences and great time and feelings you're going through on a trip abroad can affect you in different ways. If this is the case (I don't know how long you've been back or how often you're thinking about this guy) but if this is the case, the feeling might pass eventually.
I have been in your situation. You can't control who you crush on. It's normal and it was bound to happen sometime. It's not even considered cheating. I crushed on a guy while i was dating my boyfriend, but i made the mistake of breaking up with my boyfriend and dating the guy i was crushing on. That didn't last too long. I broke up with him 2 weeks later and had to regain the trust i lost after i broke up with my boyfriend. Don't make the mistake of leaving someone you love for someone you're crushing on unless it is deeply serious.
You're not a bad person for it. I can definitely understand though, because I went through it twice during high school (different pair of guys each time). But the "relationship" I was in at the time wasn't really a relationship at all. I ended up breaking up with the guy without saying anything about my crush both times. I felt like crushing on another guy was an indicator that I didn't really have feelings for the guy I was with anymore (but we're talking a mere two months of being "together," not three years like you and your boyfriend).
It's a normal thing though. It's good you told your boyfriend about it before it became an even bigger problem. If it really is just a crush, it should pass. Good luck :)
The feelings for the other guy developed because you two were undergoing the same cultural "shock" as you two were both away from home. It happens. I remember being warned of such a thing when I went to the DR for 2 weeks.
I commend you for being so honest about your feelings with your boyfriend; not many people would do the same. It is natural to have feelings about it but it's another thing to physically act on it. I'd advise that you distance yourself from the other guy to avoid hurting your boyfriend's feelings. This would also avoid any possible actions that may consequently affect your current relationship in a negative way.
However, if the feelings don't go away, even with distance, then you might want to end the relationship so that you don't hurt your current boyfriend. Good luck with whatever you do!
I think most have said this, but there is nothing wrong with having a crush. The reason why I say that is because of what a crush is...at least how I see it.
A crush is a shallow emotional/physical attraction. Â Maybe the person you're crushing on is funny, smart, good looking, all the above, or something else that you find desireable. Â There's nothing wrong with finding those characteristics desireable because...well...they're desireable characteristics.Â
That, however, doesn't make a relationship, nor do you talk to people involved with successful marriages and they tell you their secret was that he was funny and she had a pretty smile. Â It's because there's commitment in that relationship, a commitment to stay in the relationship when the feelings of "in love" fade away, as do all feelings. Â
Being away from your boyfriend for a month was an excellent way to show you that commitment to a relationship, an active conscious decision to stay with someone despite how you might feel. Â
As others have said, good call on telling your boyfriend. Â That's an awesome way to deal with the feelings that you having. Â
When I was dating someone I simply stayed away from the girls that I knew I would begin crushing on if I spent time with them. Â If you don't spend time with someone or invest in them emotionally, the chances of you developing a strong crush on them is slim. Â
I really enjoyed this post. Â I think this is an issue that is often mishandled and confused with other things. Thanks!
Look but don't touch,
I've done this plenty of times, but I never acted on such feeling because I was already with someone. And if I did break up with the person I was already with, I never did it because of my crush. People tend to develop crushes while they're with someone else because in the back of your mind, you may think you can get someone better. In other words, the person you're with isn't the right one for you and you're just prolonging this torture by debating on whether or not you're being a bad person when the fact of the matter is you don't know how to tell yourself that you're already looking for other people- because again, the one you're with ain't right. Not saying of course that the person you're crushing on will be the right person for you, or a right reason for you to leave your current other, but it's definitely a sign. A big sign. Especially if it's a sign that's been flashing at you for a while.
That, or you're just a whore <3
Kidding. But either way, you're not a bad person for developing this crush. You're not acting on it. Yeah, so you might be emotionally cheating, but hey, you're probably doing it because you're not getting anything else from your relationship. Now if you're serious with a person and you start crushing on someone else, maybe there's something wrong and you need to reevaluate.
-SgMl
I've had crushes while in a relationship as well. And yes it is bad. But you cant help your feelings. You have to think of it this way.. is it worth ending your 3 year relationship?
Honestly, i think its ok to crush. As long as you dont do anything physical with your crush like hugging kissing or holding hands.
As raved@xanga said,Â
look, but don't touch.Some people consider this "emotionally" cheating and I honestly wouldn't want my boyfriend to be crushing on some other girl. Â It seems like you had feelings for your crush, but hopefully those are long gone by now. Â I myself have not been through this type of thing, but I don't think you were able to help it, so I don't think it make you much of a bad person.