My boyfriend and I dated our senior year of high school. When we were deciding where to go to college, we decided that proximity to each other would NOT be a factor in choosing which schools to attend. Thus, I ended up on the west coast in California, while he stayed on the east coast in New England.
Three years later, we're still dating, and the next step is grad school for me and grad school or work for him. He feels strongly that we should try to at least be in the same state, unless I get something really awesome like a Rhodes scholarship (to study in England) or something similar. I'm still not sure, because the best schools for our respective fields may not line up so well. On the other hand, after 3-4 years, you're starting to get into that potential engagement/marriage stage, and I don't want to be married and still be living on opposite sides of the country.
At what point should you move to be near a significant other? How do you decide which person moves and where to settle down together?
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Comments (31)
Well, if you guys attend grad schools that happen to be kinda far away, I wouldn't settle down just yet.
Get school out of the way first, since that's the main obstacle.
I can't say I'm in a similar situation because after several long distance relationships I just started saying no to them, but when it comes to deciding who moves and where - my husband and I decided that we would move wherever I wanted to go. I really think that when dating you start to learn what works for you and what is compatible with your life goals. For me leaving this area and getting my PhD was a non-negotiable, so following someone around was not something I could do at the risk that I would end up somewhere where I could not get into a program. I was never going to be in a relationship where I had to choose either what I wanted to do with my life or my relationship - I wanted both. I'm very lucky to have gotten that.
That being said, you both should weigh the relationship and your other goals. Can he follow you and be happy with his choice? Can you? I think it's easiest if one person decides that s/he can accomplish his/her goals even in moving. No one should have to sacrifice everything they want to do in life just to be with someone because that issue of sacrifice is going to come up whenever there are problems.
Honestly though, I wouldn't wait around to decide on a future together after 3-4 more years of a long distance relationship. The more you get used to a relationship in which you two are apart, the stranger being together in person will seem.
DON'T DO IT. NEVER WORTH IT.
My best friend dated a guy for five years. He was doing Air Force ROTC in college, and when he graduated, she still had a year and a half left. They were engaged when he went into active duty. Luckily, he got stationed in the US, but still. It was across the country from her. But she stayed and finished her degree, and a year and a half of barely seeing each other ended with their marriage. That's when she moved to be with him. And now they're pretty darn happy. So it is more than possible to do the long distance thing, especially in school. You just have to be sure you want him and him alone. And if you do...well, it'll be hard, but you guys will make it through. Decide what will be best for the two of you for the future and go from there.
-Katie
I wouldn't make a decision on school based on a relationship. You have no idea how things will work. Not to be a downer or anything, but if it doesn't work out and you've moved across the country to go to school near him, you're going to regret it. Make the decision for yourself, if it works, great. If not, that sucks but you'll live.
i think its impt to have separate goals and see where each of u fit into each others lives. thats key.
I think it is relatively easy to work/attend grad school in a similar geographic region. You may not be able to be in the same city or even the same state but you should be able to manage to be on the same coast where you can see each other on a weekly basis. The east coast has a cluster of some of the best job opportunities and grad schools. I know tons of NY-Boston, NY-DC, NY-Philly couples.Bi-coastal relationships are more difficult to maintain.
if you want to date someone, i'm not sure why you WOULDN'T WANT to be in close proximity to him? Of course, sounds like a new turn in the dating scene....dating someone you never see....no wonder you've been dating so long.
Each case is so individual. My suggestion would be, try to listen to your heart and your gut, and not just your head. I hope it works out for you. I have decided to move in with my S.O. We only lived a few hours apart but we mostly only saw each other on weekends for a while. Our decision was based mainly on financial factors.
Never been in a sitch like that due to schooling, but my boyfriend and I lived in different states up until May 2008 when I chose to leave my state to go be with him. I gave up a lot to be with him, but it was very well worth it. From my experience, I can only tell you this: You should follow your heart and intuition in these situations. Talk together and figure out a plan and go through all the different possibilities that could occur and how you're thinking you should go which way...if I make sense at all >>
My boyfriend & I have been dating for over 2 years [almost 2 & a half now] & we've recently been discussing engagement/marriage. We met while we were in college & we both graduated in May & have been doing long distance since -- NY & ATL. We've talked about our future plans & it makes more sense for me to move than for him. It took me a while to "warm" up to the idea even though I knew this was going to be serious from the very beginning. In the end, aside from the fact that my career is more flexible than his [a teacher vs. family business], I felt that I was called to move down south. As of now, we're not sure when that move is but sometime in the next year or two as I can't wait that much longer to drag out the beginning of my career & pursue grad school & because the distance is not something we want to keep up for five years.
I think you move when both parties are ready to make that next committment. It's not an easy decision to make so I think it'd be best if you both talked about this & your feelings on the issue. I need to continue onto grad school but I have a leeway of 3-5 years & I figure I might as well pursue grad school in a city that I'll be spending the rest of my life at.. It just makes more sense for my profession. However, for some people, the program might matter more for their profession.. so every case will be different. Good luck~ :)
I wouldn't normally suggest it, but if you guys have made it through college being on two separate coasts, I think it would do good to be close to each other now.
Take it from someone who's been with someone else on the opposite coast, unless both of you or one budge, it's not going to work out. It sounds like you were living in New England before, so it wouldn't be much of a problem for you to come back. Besides, we have all the Ivy's.
i would move in a minute to be with the man i love. don't lose him over this... you will regret it!
I think that would be all up to the two of you guys to when yall should start living close. I think it would be great that yall wait on marraige and finish school out and then start focusing on marriage and moving in together. you dont want to be stressed out with a whole bunch of stuff like wedding planing, school etc...
Goodluck with everything =]
There are a lot of really good grad schools in the eastern area of the US. I don't know what your particular career field is but I wonder if you don't already have a grad school in mind when you say "The best schools in our respective fields may not line up so well." I think MissBride made a good point above when she suggested staying in the same geographic region. Maybe that will require a bit of a compromise from one or the other of you. Picking a school other than your first choice or dream school. If your relationship is serious to you I think that option should be heavily considered. I'm one of those people that tend to think life is more about the people you share it with then where your degree comes from when it comes time to die. I can also understand why a couple would not want to jeoporadize their future career options for the sake of location. I guess I roughly agree with your bf on this one. If one of you has an amazing scholarship or has a school that they MUST attend then it falls to the other member of the couple to decide whether or not to relocate to the same area. If neither of you can choose schools near to one anothers without regreting it and being spiteful for the remainder of your life/relationship than it shouldn't happen. I think shooting to be in the same area (or at least in close states) is a good idea if you are serious about your relationship.
me and my boyfriend went to the same university and dated in our last two years there...afterwards we took a year off, but then the grad school decisions loomed.
we moved in together and are just going to schools for our masters close by. of course, because we're just choosing schools by proximity, it limits what we can get our masters in (i would've preferred ornithology to environmental science). in the end, we're happier with being with each other then being apart to get the perfect masters. it really boils down to which makes you each personally happier, because you should pursue what will make you happier.
@la_magdalena@xanga - I agree, nicely put.
It's definitely all about communication, compromise, and balance. As a couple you have to weigh the consequences of choosing a sub-optimal school for each of you. Individually you must decide whether being close to the other is worth those consequences. For me it was a no-brainer when I moved to be near my ex. When it boiled down to it I choose a top 10 university instead of a top 3 university, but that was far less important to me than being with her. I made this decision on my own. Her individual decision was that she would NOT move to be with me. The consequences for her were greater, and she was not willing to take that leap. I accept this, and it doesn't mean our relationship is unbalanced. Stage 3 of the 8 stages if environment, and that's what long distance is. It's outside of your relationship and it means that you can't forcibly balance it. Just like you can't forcibly make one set of in-laws less insane than the other set. You have to accept that it's unbalanced and if you have to put in equal time one of you will hate it that much more.
I will strongly encourage the value of being together though. It really does make a huge difference. While a long distance relationship CAN go straight to marriage and work, there are a lot of unknowns that are unresolved that need to be 'lucky' to work out. Lots of times things work out because of luck (think: happy arranged marriage = 100% luck [+hard work], but it happens). Don't leave the next 4 years and the rest of your lives to luck. Do everything you can do be together and frankly... unless you're at the #1 school, it's not nearly as big a deal as you might think it is. School is just one part of your life, and frankly, how well you DO there is more important than the school itself MOST of the time. Good luck!
It really depends on the couple. I couldn't handle a long distance relationship. I thought I could, but when I had to put the relationship to the test, things floundered pretty quickly. He moved back (complicated story) and things are great.
My brother and his girlfriend (now wife) were the same way, and she only moved a state away. They hated being that far apart for an indefinite amount of time. Now my brother travels occasionally for his work, but that doesn't bother them, because he's always back after a week or so.
Y'all sound like a much stronger couple, at least in this aspect. So I hate to say it, but this doesn't seem like something fellow Xangans can help you with. A situation like this is unique to the couple, and only you & your significant other can decide what's best for your relationship.
But honestly, I would at least want to be near my SO after being so many years apart. Look at schools at might handle both your school needs.
Xo
Do it when your plans begin to include each other more, such as when you've finished school and are entering careers. If you feel that you're going to marry him within the next few years then do it then.
You can be engaged and still live apart for a while.
It's a gut feeling. Only when you truly love and trust somebody should you give up that much to be with somebody.
compromise is an inevitable aspect of any strong relationship. i believe that if you are considering marriage, then living in the same geographic region as your bf would be ideal. what you accomplish at the school you choose holds greater value than which particular school it is. if one of you has more than one favorable grad school acceptance, then that person will not have much to lose by being a little compromising and attending the one nearer to their SO.
I'm in that same situation right now, and it's been decided that if I get into the grad school I want then we'll wait to move in together. My boyfriend hopes to transfer his job back to where I am in a couple of years anyway. However, as part of the compromise, I'm also looking into grad schools where his job is.
Why would you two not want to be closer? Not necessarily living together or in the same city, but close by. Driving distance, or train, or whatever.
Personally, I met my boyfriend at school and he's graduating soon. He's mentioned in the past that he had two plans -- one with me in his future and one without. If we weren't going to be together or plan on being together in the future, then he would move out west and work as a park ranger or something. If we planned to stay together, he would stay in the state where we live and go to his parents' alma mater that's 1 1/2 hours away from his house to get his masters/doctorate. He knew that I planned on staying in-state for graduate school, although he is looking north while I am looking more south of the state. I think the closest schools we have contemplated are 2 1/2 or 4 hours away. I always tell him, if he really wants to go west or out of state, do it because I don't want him to resent it in the future, although I would love to have him nearby. He said he doesn't care too much where he gets in to school, as long as he does, but he isn't willing to give up our relationship over something like where to go to school.
How much do you want to be in a relationship with this person in the long-run, and how much do you want to go to a certain school that's far away? If one or more of you don't compromise on something, I am not sure how it'll work out.
Best of luck to you, though!