This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.My boyfriend is seemingly perfect; he would do anything for me, he really is a gentleman, he would never ever cheat on me and he doesn't even look at other girls. He had to work six months to have me fall in love with him while I was a bitch to him, and he had to wait another two for me to have sex with him.
The problem is is that I just don't love him. This would be not that complicated if we were a normal couple, because then I c ould just break it off, but he moved from Germany to be here with me. He sleeps in my car, and I provide for him - food, money, everything. He would get a job, which I think would be great and annoy me a lot less, but he needs to get a green card because he isn't living here legally at the moment. The way that he wants to get a green card is by marrying me.
Don't get me wrong; I truly care for him and I would be really sad to see him get out of my life, but I can't get married. I'm 18. I'm young and I don't want to stop dating. Even if I did love him, I couldn't marry him because in the beginning of our relationship when I didn't take him too seriously, I cheated on him. A lot. I just simply couldn't marry him if I knew I had cheated on him.
His other option is that he wants to move to Austria with me. Moving would be fun and an adventure; I've already lived in Germany for two years and I've always said that I wanted to travel, but I just can't do it. I want to stay in California for at least a little bit longer and I can't live with him.
He also sort of has a temper problem and he has problems working it out. He has never hurt me and I don't think he ever will, but sometimes he really hurts our dog and then blames it on him. He says that if he ever had to leave me then he would commit suicide, and as much as I know I'm not happy with him, I can't be responsible for someone's suicide. And no, I really don't think he is overexaggerating at all.
I just don't know what to do at all anymore. It's causing problems with my friends and my family, and I'm just kind of lost and stuck. Everyone just says, "If you don't love him and if you're not happy, you need to tell him," but I can't. I wish he could just be normal and we could just be friends still because I really do care for him, but he would probably just harm himself or maybe even me.
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Comments (112)
You can't tell him?
No, I think that you can.
You just don't want to.
Wow you are in a mess. Okay, I will start off by saying that I am 18 too, and I can not imagine dealing with all of this. I don't know how you have handled it.
What you need to do is talk to him. Tell him that you are not ready to get married. If he wants to get his green card, there are other ways of doing it than by marrying you, and if he loves you, he will understand what kind of pressure he is putting on you. It is unfair for him to ask you to marry him just so that he can be a US citizen. It is a huge responsibility.
If he does not listen to you, then that is his own problem to deal with. You are not responsible for him. He makes his own choices. He can choose to get his greencard or not, but that does not have to do with you. He should not be putting his future in your hands. I am assuming that he is atleast our age? Then tell him to grow up, be a man, and determine his own future. Not ask you to do it for him.
When you talk to him, be sure to have your parents with you to back you up and help you. You are too young to deal with him on your own. Should he choose to get angry or violent, then obviously he doesn't respect you enough to see your point of view. Do not let him manipulate you into marrying him if you do not want to. If he is serious about commiting suicide, then have him admitted to a hospital. It is not fair for him to put that kind of pressure on you.
Good luck with however you deal with this difficult situation.
Holy smokes. My dear, to mince no words, you are in a deep pile of ****. I will preface anything I or anyone else says with this: in some situations there is no 'good' solution. Just better and worse ones. Again, I will invoke, that this is one of those times. I believe there is no good solution here. But you have absolutely 100% got to get out. Doing so will be traumatic, but it is the 'better' solution, and you will have to deal with the consequences accordingly. I will tell you right now, take careful measures to protect yourself and those around you from this situation. Protect your heart and your body. This man sounds dangerous, unpredictable, and manipulative. I am not judging him. I am stating this as a fact. He needs and deserves all the help he can get, but you, unfortunately, are not it.
He seems to expect you to handle this, and you clearly cannot. I believe strongly that this is a highly dangerous situation and you may need to take many many steps to safeguard yourself and remedy it. But know this: this man acts on his own accord, and you are NOT responsible for his actions, past, present, or future. He is an adult and must live with the consequences of his own decisions and actions and if those decisions and actions negatively impact you or those around you, it is his sole responsibility. You may feel bad, and that's human, but do know at the end of the day, that it is NOT your fault.
That being said. He's not perfect. Do not idealize him purely because he is willing to go to great lengths. A relationship is about two people working and matching each other. Not all relationships are ABLE to work out, regardless of how much one (or both) want it to. I am proof of that, for one. However, I do not think I can safely advise you with what you have written here, and I feel it may be dangerous to do so with such limited interaction. If you see this, message me on my Xanga and perhaps I can help more. Anything said from your post and in such a simple response is too thin and dangerous, and I cannot in good conscious give advice in such circumstances. Be careful. Be safe. His actions are his own responsibility.
That being said, others here may give you some very good pointers, and if you hear one that rings very true, you can decide if it applies enough to act on it. I however, will not do so as a matter of principle. Good luck. Send me a line.
if the situation were switched around, would you appreciate your feelings being dragged? that's basically what you're doing to him.
Maybe you need to be 'normal' and get some balls. That poor guy, stuck in love with the likes of you. *smh*
It seems you got yourself into this pickle intentionally because you didn't open your mouth and told him you didn't take the relationship seriously.
If you couldn't tell him before, you should have told him BEFORE he moved from Germany. Damn, for him to leave everything just for you and you don't tell him anything just keep the relationship going.
Do yourself and him a favor and tell him how you feel. It's the least you owe him...that and a paid ticket back to Germany.
break up with him. the longer you let this go on the worse its going to get.
and the above comments are right, his actions are not your responsibility.
"The deeper you get, the harder it is to get out"
He doesn't deserve to be in a sticky mess, living somewhere illegally.
You need to sort things out before it gets more out of hand.
Plus i feel sorry for the dog who is taking all the abuse.
Stop wasting your's and his time if you no longer want him there.
Break up with him; unless you are still enjoying using him, which it sounds like you have been doing from the start. Now the moment he wants to marry you....the relationship is horrible.
Xo
@MrsMok@xanga - Awful presumptuous today aren't we? Not very constructive either. Did you feel you were contributing with that comment?
@Girl_Without_Pity@xanga - Same with you. You seem to be assuming that somehow she should take responsibility for his actions without knowing the circumstances. For all we know he showed up unannounced or refused to take no for an answer. You underestimate the situation and seem to be making a few too many leaps. Judging an 18 year-old girl you've never met who is in a difficult situation is hardly helpful.
Everyone has made sense of your situation but at the end of the day will you take it all in and sit him down to have a chat?
I feel for the pair of you and Im quite sure that there are other people out there perhaps not in the same position but not too far from it.
I hope it all works out for you.
@MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio@xanga - You're right. I knew before I press "Submit" that I was being harsh on this unknown girl and her problem. I admit since I don't know the entire story and all the angles to it that I shouldn't have jumped to assumptions. But it's hard for me to play that sympathetic tune to her situation when I've been on the other side of that coin like her boyfriend.
You can't blame me when I said she should have talked to him, set things straight before things out way out of hand. She really dug herself into a pickle for not talking fully to him which would be harder now if she desires to end the relationship.
@MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio@xanga - Actually, no. I come here and post with the most outrageous or least helpful thing I can muster. I'm sorry you wasted your time to respond to a comment that you assumed was serious. Thankfully you can provide some honest and useful advice where little ol' me can't.
@Girl_Without_Pity@xanga - It's okay, I'm not blaming you. But I will defend her. It is in my nature to fix first, and admonish later. Your opinion is valid.
@MrsMok@xanga - Haha! Indeed. Normally I would let it fly, but I feel this girl is in a dangerous position that warrants some seriousness. I am not without a sense of humor :). Feel free to butt heads with me anytime. I will let you know if I tire of it!
@MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio@xanga - Duly noted.
just do what you want to do don't think you can't just think you can
@MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio@xanga - @MrsMok@xanga -
you two are making me laugh :) thankyou...
you will eventually leave him & go with other men who mistreat you, cheat on you, make you feel small---all whom you will not really love either & ALWAYS for the rest of your life regret losing this one... he'll always be the one who got away! TRUST me on that!!
I don't know what to tell you, hon. Advice-wise, anyway. It's a tough situation. I only know that, having been with someone I fell out of love with, it's horrible trying to stay with them. I ended up breaking it off in the end, and it was the most excruciating decision I ever had to make. But there was no temper (no, that was the boyfriend before him) and no threats of suicide (again, more likely to have come from my boyfriend before him)...and no moving from a different country to be with me (um...again, boyfriend before him...no wonder I can kind of relate, huh?) But settling is never a good idea.
And one key point I think needs to be reiterated: You are never responsible for the actions of others. Short of putting a gun in his hand and using mind control to make him pull the trigger, any harm he does to himself is of his own doing and not yours. The only actions you can control are your own. The only thoughts you can control are your own. So now you need to think: do you stay with him and keep him on this pedestal that's making you feel horrible? Or do you cut him loose and hope for the best? Neither one is a good solution. You just need to figure out which one you can live with...and I mean really live with. Not him. You. You're the only one who can decide here. This is your choice...and, at 18, I don't envy you having to make a choice like that. Good luck, hon. Be safe and let us know how things go.
-Katie
honestly, you need to talk to him about it sooner or later, rather sooner than later on. he has the right to know how you really feel. i mean, how would you feel if the situation was switched around?
as i was reading this it sounded a bit similar to my bf...he use to say all the time that if i left him he couldn't live without me and he would kill himself but a few months ago we did break up and guess what he didn't do anything...i mean we eventually got back together but still he never hurt himself
i think that ur bf saying he will kill himself is just an excuse for u not to leave him...i think he's just so caught up in 'love' and thinks that he wouldn't be able to go on without you but he will eventually get over it and move on (hopefully.)
you just need to be honest with him and tell him how you really fair because it's not fair to either one of you to stay with him just because you're afraid of what he MIGHT do and it's not fair for you to be in a relationship where you're not happy
Please be careful. If you do decide to tell him, have at least 2 other people with you. He sounds a bit unstable.
its hard but you know what you have to do
you have to talk to him
and let him know about all this
about how you feel, (about moving, love, everything!)
guys tend to get really hurt
i told my bf i don't love him and he hates me now
that is no help
but the best thing for him so he can start thinking about
what to do sooner
you should definitely tell him if you're sure
but just talk it out, tell him about everything
It will be okay !!!!!!!!!!!!
take care
Two words for you:
Call Immigration.
Problem solved.
Holy cow...a lot of people commenting on this are way too kind...I'm more worried about you than I am about him. This guy sounds like a textbook sociopath--get out now! Think Hannibal Lecter...charming on the outside, but sinister on the inside.
If he really kills himself over you, then he's emotionally unstable. If he doesn't, then he's blackmailing you. I hope it wasn't your idea for him to live here illegally, but it was he who decided to do something illegal--obviously not as upright a man that you think him to be--and now he's trying to manipulate you into marrying him so that he can get a green card. He's manipulative, needy, and violent towards your dog; once you're married, there won't be anything stopping him from being violent to you too.
It was terrible of you to string him along, but it's time to cut and run. Just be prepared if you end up needing a restraining order.
Remember that most stalkers also try to shower their targets with affection, but his charm and loyalty belie something much more dangerous.