This is a guest blog submitted by Nicola_Six.Note: I was inspired to write this post because of the many comments - some constructive, some ignorant - regarding
the girlfriend who was hit after being in a relationship for over a year.
After reading the comments, I realized how many people carry erroneous assumptions - "myths" - about these types of relationships and the partners who are in them. If I only had a dime for every time I heard the following:
Myth #1: Only emotionally weak/uneducated/indigent/unintelligent people get lured into abusive relationships.Anyone can be lured into an abusive relationship because abusers treat victims wonderfully during the first few months or even years of the relationship. During this "honeymoon" phase, the abuser tries to make the victim fall in love with him or her so that when the abuse begins, the victim feels compelled to forgive the abuser. The victim thinks, "The abuse doesn't actually show who this person really is; I've known him or her for years, and s/he's never done this before!" So they kiss and make up, and the victim draws a hard line to the abuser: "don't you EVER do this again!" The abuser contritely assents, and the honeymoon phase continues, with apologies and gifts and praise heaped onto the victim - until the next outburst.
If you still can't picture it, picture a person you completely love and trust and have known for years - e.g. your parents, your siblings, your current partner - suddenly one day swearing at you or calling you a bad name. Are you so apt to cut them out of your life? No - you are more likely to forgive them. After all, it's just ONE swear word, and you know them so well that it's out of character for them to swear at you. And so the slippery slope begins...
Myth #2: Once the abuse is bad enough/frequent enough, the victim could leave if s/he wanted to.If only it were that simple.
What most people don't know is that abuse is usually coupled with the abuser's full-on yet manipulative assault on everything the victim holds dear - family, friends, self-esteem and career. Over time, and during the honeymoon phase, the abuser will instill doubt into the victim about the reliability and validity of their family and friends' opinions, and of the victim's own opinion as well, until the only person the victim can turn to is the abuser. And when this happens, the victim begins to fully believe everything the abuser says.
So when the abuse becomes "bad enough" and/or "frequent enough", the victim is already emotionally and psychologically broken. The victim would leave, except s/he believes s/he has nowhere to go. And any physical abuse or threat of such abuse is an added deterrent to not leave. The abuser threatens the victim's life, the victim's family members' lives and so forth.
Myth #3: Victims enjoy being in abusive relationships.Abusers enjoy it because they become powerful and god-like. Victims most definitely DO NOT enjoy it. At first, victims stay because they hold onto the moments that were good in the relationship in the hopes that it could get better. But over time, victims stay for many different emotions: fear, duty, low-self esteem, low finances, and often there are kids involved so the victim wants to protect them. Also, victims start to resign themselves to the abuse when because the person that they love and depend upon starts treating you horribly, they believe they deserve it.
Myth 4: If I were in your shoes, I would leave as soon as he hit me.This is the myth that really gets my blood boiling:
you don't know that you would leave because you aren't in their shoes, so don't say that. You are not better or smarter or "above" these victims. I hope this post teaches people not to negatively judge victims of abuse, and to do something constructive such as listening to them or disseminating helpful information, rather than cowardly sitting on their high horses, thumbing their noses. There's a reason why a lot of people are in abusive relationships, even people who once said to themselves, "I would never put up with hitting." Chances are, you know people who are in abusive relationships, but they hide it very, very well from the world.
If anyone you know is in an abusive relationship, do not despair if they do not leave their partner right away; it takes on average over 30 cycles of abuse for a victim to leave. So it takes many, MANY pleas to the victims to get them to leave. Try to understand what they are going through and let them know that you are there for them. Keep the lines of communication open because there will be a time where they will need you. If you cannot handle the emotional burden, speak to some other people about it as well, perhaps a professional (e.g. a therapist). And most of all, do not look down on them: victims need help, not a holier-than-thou attitude.
I hope that this post has illuminated a topic area that is often hidden from the eyes of the public. And I hope that you can see that these above four myths cleverly, yet with cowardice, distance our society from abuse; if these myths were true, society could blame the victims instead of the abusers. If they was true, each person could say to themselves, "It would never happen to me or anyone else I know." The victims thus become objects to be scorned, instead of flesh-and-blood people who could be your friends, your siblings or your parents.
If you've made it this far, I thank you for reading. I welcome any suggestions or comments as to other myths or misconceptions to include (I couldn't include all of them in this post, otherwise it would turn into a book).
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Comments (66)
I see where you are coming from with this. I think that there are a lot of myths about how one should handle a abusive relationship. They are not easily detectable nor, are they easy to get away from. But they need to get away. That is the bottom line.
Thank you for posting this.
Especially number two.
I realize that my comment on the post you reference was far from constructive, but not entirely ignorant. I appreciate the idea that it's not easy to be in those situations. Abusive relationships do seem to have some level behavior not understood by most when the party being abused does not take the opportunity to leave. Hence, the necessity to seek help and advice. Either way, that person is being abused and should do whatever she (or he) can to get out. Other important issues that weren't addressed (likely due to the particular nature of that reference), are that abuse comes in several forms. Sure, physical is at the front of the line when we think about it, but there is emotional, verbal, psychological and the list goes on. Sometimes, these are just as bad, if not worse, depending on circumstances and individuals. So, yes, agreed, it's different from everyone and we shouldn't judge based off of someone else's shoes. Then there's the mutually abusive...
However, I still stand by the notion that I would break his knees.
Hey this is rachael_popstar_2010 i just wanted to say something about abusive relationships. i heard you where going to be talking about it so i thoght we coud talk about it sometime .
bye!!!!!!!!
@CiaoBella810@xanga - i like your mess... would you like to be my friend! from:rachael_popstar_2010
This is an interesting post. However, it STILL remains true that it takes two to tango. The abused may not have seen it coming, but there is a point where they allow it to continue happening by not changing their actions - much like the families/friends/etc. of alcoholics enable, people in abusive situations still can be enablers. This does not justify in any way the horrible actions of the abuser, but the abused still needs to do something if anything is to change, and part of that is to accept their own part in the whole of the interplay between abuser and abused.
i was in an abusive relationship a couple years ago, and i could not agree with your post more. it's hard to get out of a relationship especially if there are threats being thrown around. my ex boyfriend had a need to control every aspect of his life, including me. and that wasn't okay with me. yes, i attempt to break up with him and yes, i did take him back, but eventually i realized that he had nothing on me, while i had everything on him. so i broke up with him. he'd threaten to blackmail me, but i threatened to tell everyone how abusive he was. he let me go, and i still told.
Amen to the poster. There are many things in life that some of us can never truly understand. Relate maybe. Guess maybe. But truly understand. Probably not. Abuse is gradual and occurs on many many levels. It is sad for me to see others judge, because it makes the abused feel even worse than they already do. @CiaoBella810@xanga - is right though. The bottom line is to do everything possible to get away, and for those who know about it to support them as much as possible. Personally I might go with @Mr_A@xanga - "breaking knees", because I do feel... very strongly about the issue, but then again, hopefully there are 'better' solutions than that. I just hope that the ones who get through to abused girls are those who are expressing their love and support for them to get out, and not the ones who are judgmental about the situation.
The only myth I don't agree with is second one. I was in an abusive relationship for a little over a year. The person I was with was severely alcoholic and physically abusive.
I believe that the abused person can leave if he or she wants to. I realized at the time that I had to leave the abusive person I was with because nothing was going to better if I didn't. The only thing I could count on was that it was going to get worse if I stayed.
I know that some abusive relationships are very severe, far more than the one I found myself in. However, I also know that there are ways to free yourself from an abusive relationship. There's always another option besides staying with that person.
Thank you for this post. I think it is very informative, and dead on.
This post is very informative, thank you.
This was, I think one of the most important entries datingish has posted. Thank you, Nicola Six, for writing it.
This is a good post. A lot of good points. So many times, I think people get so caught up in telling the writer of the entry what they think and what they need to do, that they miss the entire point of the post. Also, so many people write negative responses that it's overwhelming. It's really easy to be brave from behind a computer. Datingish put up one of my blog entries earlier this week and there were so many burn comments that I probably won't be submitting any of my posts again. A little support goes a long way...
Good post.
Good post. :)
Not all abused people get Stockholm Syndrome as you've described above. Maybe these things are true for you, but this is far from a general guide to victims.
Honestly, there is a very simple solution to this problem.
1) 9-1-1
2) Leave
Yes, there is psychological power over you, but unless you are bound in restraints and/or your significant other never leaves the house, you will always have time to get out of this. Yes fear keeps you in, hope keeps you in, love keeps you in, but you describe women as sheep with no free will.
Myth #1 is false, as you said, no one tries to get into abusive relationships
Myth #2 I'm sorry, is true. There is always a way out, and after calling 9-1-1, they would give you a ton of ways to leave.
Myth #3 Obviously this is false, as you said, and it would seem rather ignorant to believe this is true.
Myth #4 Depends entirely on the person. I know given similar situations I wouldn't take it, but you are right in that the power of the situation makes people do different things than they usually do when they are objective. However, many people would act if beaten.
thank you.
About point number 2, yeah, it's about the attachment that develops.. And once a person invests heavily on a relationship, it's harder to leave... It takes a lot of courage... and objective thinking.. And both (courage and objective thinking) are taken away when one is abused.
@Mr_A@xanga - I agree that the person would ideally try to do whatever s/he can to get out, but often times the victims isn't thinking that way because s/he is broken down, or is in the process of being emotionally broken down.
Again, putting the onus on the victim to leave (in the "should") rather than putting the onus on the abuser to stop abusing plays into the notion that the victim is at least partly blameworthy for being in the relationship and thus shouldn't be helped. But of course, for safety reasons, the victim ideally would leave ASAP.
Thank you for pointing out that abuse comes from several forms. I implied the existence of different types in my post, but I did not list them.
As for mutually abusive relationships, I suspect that they belong in an entirely different category of abusive relationship, but I don't know. Hmm...
I read your comment on the original post; it's constructive because you show that abusive behaviour angers people. Don't get yourself charged with a crime though trying to prove a point! :P That would really suck...
@TakingxOverxMe@xanga - No problem, and thanks for your support. I can see from the responses to this post that #2 is pretty controversial in some circles, but I fully stand by it: #2 is the reason why victims feel trapped in the relationship, even though, as other posters have pointed out, victims usually have the physical ability to leave.
@CiaoBella810@xanga - Oh yeah, I agree that victims need to get away. Some victims manage to, and some victims don't. The question is: how can society help the victims that don't leave, leave? And, how can society get abusers to stop abusing?
Thank you for the informative post.. I find that often times we need posts like these to remind us not to be as harsh/judgmental.
This post reminded me of the child abuse courses I had to take.. I almost threw up when I finished the courses 'cause it made me sick to my stomach. This one was less intense but still made my stomach flip. I think it's true.. how abusers exercise control over the victim. I still think about this & how I'd encourage the victim to leave the abusive relationship [of any sort..] & I'm stumped. This is a rather delicate & difficult situation. :(
@rachael_popstar_2010@xanga - Thanks, I would like to talk about it too. :)
@JadedJanissary@xanga - "...there is a point where [the victims] allow it to continue happening by not changing their actions - much like the families/friends/etc. of alcoholics enable, people in abusive situations still can be enablers."
Victims mired in abuse aren't able to magically change their actions themselves due to the psychology behind abuse. So while I agree with the concept behind your statement, the broader question leading from your statement is - so what can be done to get the victims to leave? What can be done to get the victims to change their actions so that they leave the abuser?
The point I was trying to make in my post is that society shouldn't just sit idly by and say "oh well, the victims allow it to happen, sucks to be them" and let them fend for themselves. People and society should be more creative and proactive in helping victims leave - every little bit counts. And society, again, should be more creative in stopping abusers. Why is it that people focus on saying what the victims should do to stop the violence, rather than how to stop abusers?
@ayeHEARTyoo@xanga - While I'm glad you can relate to my post (esp. the threats part), it also sucks that you had to go through that. Good for you for leaving him when you had that "lightbulb" moment; you sound so strong.
Thank you so much for this much needed post.
@Mitsuye@xanga - Congrats for leaving him; I'm glad that you realized that you had to leave or else it would get worse.
The problem is that many, MANY victims don't think the way you do, such as victims in what you say are "worse" relationships than yours, so I can't endorse the notion that any abused person can leave if s/he wants to. And, again, this thinking puts the onus on the abused person to leave, rather than acknowledging the fact that the abuser is the one that in the end should be stopped.
The reason why it takes an average of over 30 cycles of abuse (meaning abuse, making up, and then honeymoon period) before the victim leaves is because victims are trapped in the relationship due to a variety of factors that you could loosely term the "battered women's syndrome."
@MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio@xanga - Thank you :) What you have said, very eloquently, emphasizes some of the most important points of my post - no judgment of the victim, and plenty of love and support for the victim. Your way of thinking seems to match mine...it seems like if someone turned to you with these problems, you would be there with love and support.
The desire to  "break knees" is an understandable feeling, but a "better solutions" I think would be to demonstrate restraint by letting the abuser face the legal authorities. Any illegal retribution directed towards the abuser may tragically result in the person assaulting the abuser being charged and convicted.
Being in an abusive relationship is tragic enough; having other people's lives negatively affected from the abuse just shows that the abuser wins all the time. I know what I just wrote might be a hard pill to swallow though.
@purplepixiepoo@xanga - @methodElevated@xanga - @loudletters@xanga - @death_by_chocolat@xanga - @eucalyptusXxXanonymous@xanga - @howabouthalen@xanga - Thanks for your support. I'm really glad that you find value in the post; I wanted to speak for and defend victims who cannot speak, and open some eyes :)
@kaleidescopeeyes88@xanga - I'm truly honoured and flattered; thanks so much for that endorsement of my post. Writing that post took a lot out of me, so I hope that people get a lot out it. And I'm certainly glad that you did.
Its good to not be so in closed in a relationship, because you don't see the signs around you.
Good points and good post.
Xo