Friday, 02 January 2009
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Would You Still Ask Someone Out If You Knew You Didn't Have A Chance?
This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.I have always wondered about this; do people still ask a person out even if they are aware of the odds against them?
I personally have never asked someone out as of yet; I have considered it a couple of times but something always happened that prevent the situation (ie. finding out he already have a girlfriend, my girl friend likes him as well, losing interest, confusion/mixed signals, etc.) However, I have been asked out quite a few times. Many of these people either aren't that close to me (and I dislike being around someone I don't know well alone) so they probably did not understand my personality or character well enough to judge me based on reasons other than appearance. I do not try to flirt or have ever considered any of my actions to have been considered flirting when I was with them...because they don't know me all that well, are they asking hoping I might give them a chance?There are a couple of cases, however, where a close friend asked me out (or rather, asked me to be his girlfriend). These were generally friends that have been around me long enough to be well acquainted with my personality (ranging from four months to nearly six years); however, I have never thought I gave them any signals either that showed I liked them (especially with this one guy). This left me rather confused once some of the initial shock of being asked out wore off. I would never ask someone out if I didn't think I had a chance, but maybe that's because I have always been afraid of getting hurt.
So in conclusion, would you ever approach someone - friend, acquaintance, maybe even a random stranger - and ask him or her out if you knew you didn't have a chance, or at least not much of one? Have you ever done this?
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Comments (84)
I have told someone that was way "out of my league" that I cared for him and I was given a chance. I regretted it, greatly, later, but the chance was still granted.
If I knew for a fact I didn't have a chance, then I probably wouldn't even bother.
No
Not anymore.
I agree with @loudletters@xanga; if I knew for a fact that I didn't have a chance, then I probably wouldn't bother.
But if there is nothing holding me back other than my own fear, which may be tricking me into thinking I don't have a chance, then I might try it. Sometimes I think people get nervous and talk themselves out of asking someone out by rationalizing the ways it wouldn't work. I know I do that sometimes, and it usually works against me.
@Lynn1013@xanga - I agree with you as well! If I was just psyching myself out thinking I didn't have a chance, then I would have to get over it and pluck up the courage to ask the person out.
Yeah don't ask if no chance. Its like a rule kinda that saves you the humiliation of rejection after knowing you have no chance.
no, definitely not. especially after some shit happened to me in the past. i don't think i'd ask someone out at all, or tell them that i liked them, unless i was absolutely certain they felt the same.
It's kind of pointless to ask someone out when you know you don't have a chance. And crushing on someone that I know for certain doesn't like me back is a waste of time as well, so I eventually just get over them.
I've had several guys confess their feelings for me even when they knew that I didn't feel the same way. One of them even said, "Yeah, I know" after I told him that he was just a friend. So I was thinking, "Okay, if you knew that then why are you telling me now that you like me?" But I think the "I don't have a chance" is sometimes a mechanism to keep people from confessing and to avoid being rejected. I've had my share of crushes and confessions though, so I know whether I'm just trying to avoid confessing or I that know for sure that my feelings aren't returned. I only confess if I think there's a chance or when I know the guy likes me.
it is either asking and being rejected followed by shunned from the person, or keeping mum, just look and have the person's presence linger in your sight, mind and heart, till one day it goes away... so it's a choice between the two i supposed... hmmm
I have, but only because I was really foolish.
Call me old-fashion, but I prefer taking the safe route, in terms of matters of the heart. I'm not inclined to put myself out there unless I knew the ratio of mutual reciprocation is about 50%, otherwise I'm just setting myself up for rejection.
However, there have been instances of me taking a leap of faith and trusting that regardless of what the outcome may be--even if there's a likely 75% chance of rejection--I'll still gamble for their affections and make a move. Why? Because sometimes the heart knows reason that reason does not understand, causing you to do things that you're not normally accustomed to, i.e. taking a blind risk for someone who is more likely to reject you than reciprocate the feelings. But in instances like these, the reward (if successful!) trumps getting hurt, because like we all know, we are all resilient human beings who have the ability to recover from heartache. The ultimate question of "what if", on the other hand, will never cease to go away...
Yay, I can be the first one to say, heartily, YES. First, I'm a guy, so I expect to get shot down more than not. But in this, I am the absolute king of getting shot down. I don't ever EXPECT girls to want to go out with me, but I that's because they haven't yet given me a chance. In simple terms I look at it this way: Every two people have a sexual chemistry score and an intellectual (or personality) chemistry score. I'd say you have a 'shot' if one of three things is true:
1. You have a physical chemistry score of 9 or above
2. You have both scores 7 or above
3. You have an intellectual chemistry score of 9 or above
Furthermore, while we each have a 'global' score in each category (I, for instance, like to think I am a phy=5 and an intellectual = 8), each person we meet has a chemistry "bonus" that adds or subtracts from our global score. That's why a girl who is hot as all hell may have a global score of 10, and unless the guy has a negative "bonus", he'd give her a shot (and we all know a girl like this). In the same way, it's how a guy who's a physical "5" like me can get a girl who's an "8" like my ex, because we really clicked intellectually and my "8" became a "10". Also, overtime my "neutral" physical (5) score rose as well as she "fell in love". Therefore, when I approach a girl who's 'out of my league', what I'm doing is banking on either my intellectual bonus putting me over 9, or a combination of both putting me over 7 on each, and her 'giving me a shot'. Naturally, after you get a shot, other factors come into play :). I'd like to say that if given the chance I'm really only likely to get better... but it's not always true.
Second. I will ask out a girl who's way out of my league purely for practice. I am not [overly] bothered by getting shot down (I'm used to it by now), and frankly, the interaction doesn't hurt. Then again, perhaps it doesn't hurt because I simply don't feel (notice my X sn). *shrug* Why not?
i lack a certain amount of go-getting when it comes to asking people out, but i rarely think someone is out-of-my league. not being cocky, but because if you think that already, you're down and out already.
@KasumiCelesta@xanga - "Crushing" on someone, particularly a friend, is something I absolutely TRY not to do though. 1. It's creepy. 2. It's unwanted. 3. It's annoying. 4. It wastes everyone's time 5. It's just going to make her avoid you. Unfortunately most girls can't tell the difference between someone asking them out and someone 'crushing' on them, which sometimes makes me sad. One of my oldest and closest friends is semi-recently single and I've always been there for her. Lately we were hanging out almost constantly because I was helping her study for her GREs. We're very comfortable with each other, so she would stay the weekend at my apartment on my futon, or me on the spare bed at her apartment. We would work and play and eat together and have a grand time even though we were studying hard. We also spent several nights up past 4AM talking about everything, getting to know each other better than ever before. This continued for a few weeks, and after she hit and beat her target GRE score and was so thrilled, after I dropped and picked her up and dropped her off at work, as I was driving (the hour distance) home to shower (I had been at her place 2 days), I kept thinking... we're both single... why should I need an excuse to see her like studying? We have a fantastic time together. We're very comfortable around each other. It hardly matters what we do, it's always fun. We're both single and lonely. Why not date? Don't need to be exclusive. Don't even need to be romantic. Just date. Go out. I called her later that evening and explained myself. I asked her out. Nothing too serious, I just didn't want to have to have an excuse to hang out with her. I didn't want to have to invent reasons to see her. Also, since we're friends, if we ended up together I wanted her to walk into it with both eyes open, and not for her to leave her guard down so long I sucker her into it. I wanted to be up front that I think we'd have a lot of fun dating and I'd like to give it a chance. It didn't work. "Friend Zone" of course. I told her that it wasn't a big deal, I figured I'd give it a shot. I pointed out that she shouldn't be awkward about it, I wouldn't 'pursue' her or anything because we're friends and she clearly said that she wanted it to stay that way. She mentioned it probably would be (awkward) for awhile anyway. I agreed and told her I'd give her some space. It's been a couple months. I'm sure she'll get over it eventually. We've been friends since 1st grade. But it still makes me sad that we haven't spoken for so long. She shot me a couple e-mails 'checking in', but that's about it. It's okay. I'm patient. But you know? I'd do it again. I feel what I did was right. You date to find out if you want to be in a relationship. Not everything has to be so serious...
Well, you never really know if the other person likes you back. How many times have girls giving guys no signals even though she really likes him?
As for me, I've only asked out one guy and I thought he liked me, guess I was wrong. I suppose you can say I asked out another guy, but I don't really count it since he said bluntly that he wanted to go hang out with me.
If I didn't have a chance? Heck no. I got better things to do then be shot down. I'm a the juggernaut for crying out loud.
i fell in love with one of my best friends, me and her had been pretty close for 2 years. i knew her well, and i knew she always was into these douchebag, asshole types of guys, and i do not fit that mold at all. shes not into the nice guys, but cuz i loved her so much, i had to go for it. i put myself out on the line, twice, and got shot down, twice, and it absolutely broke my heart. but sumtimes when u love sumone that much, u hafta go for it, even tho all signs are pointing towards failure. and yes, u may get hurt, but u dont wanna hav that 'wut if' stuck in ur head.
If I absolutely knew I didn't have a chance, no. If I thought there might be a slight chance or better, yes I would ask them out despite the risk of rejection.
I don't see how you could ever be 100% certain that you have no chance.
my boyfriend asked me out on the off-chance that i would say yes...he never thought i would say yes, but he had to try. (and now i am with him :D ) hahaha, no one says yes all the time, a little rejection never hurt anyone too much...if it did, they over-thought it.
I'm quoting two other posters below. The quetsion is really...what does it mean to "not have a chance" or to not be "in someone's league"? How do you know you don't meet these standards?
I'm going to do this form the male perspective...since I am male...and because there seem to be many more females here than males...and they can cover the female perspective.
Firts of all...whne you are aksing someone out...you are testing to see if they meet your standards. Are they single and attracted to or interested in you? Are they nice? Can they hold a conversation? Don;t treat this llike you are auditioning. If she doenst meet your standards, move on and find a girl who does.
In this sociaty (I'm in the US)...the men are the approachers. They either approach or initiate and get used to getting shot down sometimes, or they cultivate a fear of rejection, and do not. A guy with an incredible personality can get away with being ok looking and a guy with hot looks can get away with an ok personality. In my mind...the guy with the personality advantage has the over advantage...for various reasons...which can be discussed another time. It is good to know where you stnd on both looks and personality. We do need to be relatively realistic. :)
That said...out of your league is often IN YOUR OWN HEAD! Make the move...and see what happens. People will still be friends with you if you aks them out or go for a kiss and they stop you...they'll often recommend being friends. You have nothing to lose and everythign to gain. And...if u get rejected...get used to it...and its just a step on the road t meeting yout goal. (whatever it is).
Someone said something about men initiating with her even though she doenst give signals to pursue. Thats how this society works...the men approach and attractive women get approached. I have news for you...a lot of women dont give clear or strong giving signals, even though they are interested. Sometimes, especially because they are interested (o get shy with you). Sometimes because of cultural reasons. Try anyway...unless they person is obviously giving you signals ot to pursue. You could test the waters if you really want to...but I would probably just aks the person out and see what happens. Dont give in to your fear. I've had girlfriends who originally hadn't given me interest signals...or maybe werent sure if they were interested at first.
-Cuisine
Lynne, Thank you for saying this: "But if there is nothing holding me back other than my own fear, which may be tricking me into thinking I don't have a chance, then I might try it. Sometimes I think people get nervous and talk themselves out of asking someone out by rationalizing the ways it wouldn't work. I know I do that sometimes, and it usually works against me. "
And, thanks to Musingsofanalmostsocio for this:
"I'd say you have a 'shot' if one of three things is true:
1. You have a physical chemistry score of 9 or above
2. You have both scores 7 or above
3. You have an intellectual chemistry score of 9 or above3. You have an intellectual chemistry score of 9 or above"
Personally I don't think I would do it if I KNOW for a fact that I don't have a chance. But if I had to second guess myself, most likely I will do it.
Though tbh, up to this day I still don't truly recognize the fact that I don't have a chance with a girl. Perhaps if the girl was like every guy's fantasy or something then I'd know, but if it was a typical girl I seriously wouldn't recognize that I wouldn't have a chance haha but that doesn't mean I have confidence, but rather a bit dense? haha
i havent, probably because im a girl and i wouldnt ask them out even if i thought i had a chance. it's happened to me many times though, so it makes me wonder what message i could be sending to them
Well honestly, I believe that girls shouldn't ask out guys. It's out job as men to ask out women. Not the other way around. But, going back to the original question, even though you have no change, an answer may surprise you. So I say take a chance.