This is a guest blog submitted by ally_bay_bee.I have always grown up with strong, independent women in my family - my aunts, my mother, my grandmother. I was taught three key things when it came to relationships:
1) When dating I need to ask myself is he giving me what I need? Meaning emotionally, physically and mentally. Is the guy I'm dating respecting me? Does he make me feel happy in every aspect of our relationship? My mother taught me this specific rule. She has always said if I ever feel like the person I'm dating isn't giving me what I need, then it's not going to work.
2) The guy I'm dating should have a college education, a job and a car. Okay, I know what you're thinking. Snob alert. This is where I need to hear from you girls out there. I have always felt that if two people are in love but the guy doesn't have these things, then who cares? It's love, and none of those things should matter. Yet right now I'm going to be brave and say it. Those things most definitely matter. I learned this recently.
I am a college student, I have a good job at an Italian restaurant and I work hard at doing well in school and making my own money to put myself through school so someday I can score a great job. It's only fair to find a guy that meets me on that level. The women in my family have always said this to me - especially my grandmother - because they know I'm worth someone who is going to be able to take me out to dinner (and drive me there in his own car). A guy who knows what he wants and is educated. A guy who has a good work ethic.
The last guy I dated didn't have a job or a car. He was "working" on going back to school. My ex - let's call him Steve - somehow dropped money on expensive clothes all the time, yet he never once in the four months we dated took me on a date. Ever. No dinner, no movie, nada. He claims to have an associate's degree. Now, I'm a junior in college and at one point he said to me, "I bet if I went back, I would graduate before you."
Not only did that make me feel inadequate, but for someone with no ambition who pretty much spent his days sitting in his room at home, I doubt it possible he would have ever finished before me. How awful is that to say to someone? Especially when I'm working SO hard to finish and get my degree. Refer back to key number one. He wasn't giving me what I needed. So Steve pretty much didn't pass rule number 1 or 2.
3) I was taught to always be able to take care of myself, especially financially. I observed what happens when you can or can't, once with my mother and a second time with my aunt. My mother was a stay-at-home mother and when her marriage to my father got worse and worse, she realized she needed to prepare in case the marriage ended. She went back to college in her thirties.
By the time she was almost done, my parents' marriage had ended and my mother had gotten her degree, became a teacher, started student teaching and eventually found a job as a first grade teacher in a great school district. We struggled, but my mother was able to support us and give us the basics of what we needed and then some. I thank God she did that because I can't imagine what we would have done if she got divorced and had no job. I know life would have been very different.
My aunt, on the other hand, met a millionaire years ago. He wined and dined her, they traveled and and eventually he proposed to her. They planned this extravagant wedding until it just didn't work out (for many reasons, but it's a long story) Now, my aunt stopped working because this man pretty much took care of her after the economy failed in NY post-9/11 and my aunt lost her job.
When the engagement ended she had nothing - not a dime to her name. She had to move in with her sister, waitress for a while to save money so she could rebuild her life and make it on her own. She never prepared for that to happen. She went from riches to rags overnight, but she picked herself back up, ended up getting an amazing job as a publicist (which is what she was doing prior to getting laid off) and everything worked out for her.
I could never be the type of person to be supported 100% by another person because you never know where relationships are going to go. I do think it's important to be able to support myself, make money and work regardless of if I'm seriously dating or married.
So the question is, are all of those things important? I think they are, but I'm curious to see how people, especially women, feel about this.
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Comments (74)
all of that is important. but on number two it doesnt matter if he have a car or not alrhough it is nice if he have one.
for me,
he must have a college education
a job
and were both financially able...
in the future.we cant feed each other with "i love you" and thats for sure
I think the first point is highly utilitarian... but I don't know the things your mother went through so I guess I'm not in the position to judge.
he could have "finished" school before you if he went back.
but he didnt. he just tried to make it seem like what you were doing was "easy" and its not.
its nice to have standards and rules to dating.
xo
i think those are good things to look for and i gotta agree that the thing about a car shouldn't matter. yes, it would be nice and all but you can still make it work without one.
Apparently we hold the same standard rules when it comes to dating. How refreshing to hear that!
Maybe not necessarily a college education, but a job yes. Some people are pretty well off even if they did not finish college. I think as long as he is ambitious and knows where he wants to go and what he wants to do in life is good enough.
A car is definitely not needed but I guess it depends on where you live. I live in the city so a car is not important. But whether or not you live in the city or not, I still don't think a car should affect who you should or can have a relationship with.
haha... sounds like my parents.
1 and 3. sure.
if this guy is not giving you what you want/need
then why are you even in the relationship at the beginning? pity?
3. of course. so your world won't crumble down when he leaves you. so you know how to survive if he treats you the wrong way. so you know what to do when things happen like how your aunt's marriage didnt work out.
let's talk about your aunt for awhile, im sure when she was married she really thought that was it and she never had to worry about another thing for the rest of her life because im sure she thought she found the one.
thats what love does to you. you thought you're going to be okay
until someone slap you awake, throw you over the cliff, and you're pretty much screwed.
so i guess it's always to know how to take care of yourself, anyway possible. just in case.
and the 2nd one.. i'm not really sure.. i mean you can't really base love on someone's education and financial background..
not everyone will have a car, not everyone will have a job, and not everyone will have a college degree, but that doesn't mean these people don't deserve love. right?
but of course. your example, your ex, that was pretty horrible, he doesn't have a college degree, which is fine, those takes time, or maybe school is just not for him.
but you said he never took you out on a date yet got money for expensive clothes?
you can tell him to kiss his clothes instead. seriously.
a date doesnt have to be something fancy, but if he can't even take you out for a simple meal. forget about it.
the point is not to have money or a piece of paper or whatever, it is how much they value you. if they value you less than a shirt. forget about it
I think your three rules are good starting points, but I don't believe that things are that concrete. Relationships vary, so the rules have to be able to bend. But, yes, of course you have to be happy in your relationship (Though that doesn't necessarily mean every single minute of every single day. Relationships take work and they have ups and downs, just like any other aspect of your life), your significant other should have dreams/a future, and you should have the independence to take care of yourself if need be. Just don't dismiss a relationship or a potential relationship if it doesn't seem to meet every single one of these expectations right away. Give it time, thought, and work. And, most importantly, listen to your heart (as corny as that sounds).
i think that number two is the most important. when there's no job and/or education everything else starts falling apart. It makes it difficult to do a lot of other things. and encourages others. like drug use, and you having to drive him around. :/ and that's no bueno.
i agree, although i think that the college education isn't necessarily something that is a requirement for me. yes, i want to be able to hold an intellectual conversation with him, but that doesn't mean he necessarily has to have gone to college. as long as he is successful at what he does, i think thats good.
materials shouldnt matter, its about how a person treats you. and i think its great how your mother raised you. i totally agree
that advice sounds like something my great-great-great grandparents might have said.
just make sure his laptop has 4 gb of ram, his iphone has enough space for all ur stuff and he's either got a job, or going to school, not just "thinking" about it. :)
having a car is pretty useful.
can't say its a 'rule' but parents probably do 'prefer' those 3!!
at least rule 2, parents and not just because im asian but all parents would want their daughter to be with someone who has a job, car and good education! so at least they know that their daughter is with someone who can support her and know better than to beat the shit out of her when they fight (even though that being well educated doesn't mean some won't beat them)
my bf has a job and a car but can't say his education is top notch and hes not the brightest thorn in the bush but as long as he fits rule 1.. i would still love him!
I agree with all 3 points
#2 doesnt make you a snob -- it help ensure you're financially stable and dont have to struggle as much
If your SO has a job / decent education - helps get a good job / car - so theres form of transportation etc
I definitely agree with you on point #1.
#2 -Â I agree with the concept behind it i.e. the person being a "leech" and unambitious, but I don't think it's necessary for him to have a college/university education if he has a good job (e.g. as an artist or a musician) and performs other pursuits that keep his mind sharp and interesting. Some people have taken alternate routes to success, and I think they should be commended for it.
#3 - I agree with being able to support yourself i.e. to have the skills, professional degree, etc - whatever you need to work. However, I think I could be a person who is 100% financially supported by another person if I married them and we agreed that I would stay at home and care for the children.
"So the question is, are all of those things important?
In the end, your rules are your own; there is no right or wrong. You just gotta follow what makes you happy and change your rules as you discover what's important to you. For example, I used to have a hard and fast rule about university education, but not anymore because of what I wrote above.
i think your rules are all your own
Ah, this is ... refreshing to read, simply because I feel validated - "it's okay to have these standards! It does not make you a snob!" (is what I'm saying having read your post.) I feel the same way you do - I want a man with a college education, a job, a car. Thing is, to me, a college education is PARAMOUNT - the job, he has to at least be actively looking for, and the car... it's like icing on the cake. Very very nice, but you could live without it. I'm a snob when it comes to education, having 1.5 years of my MA degree under my belt by 22. But, I don't apoligize for it- I want someone who is smart and knows how to use that to his best advantage. This is a very, very sexy thing to me. Thank you for the excellent post!
I think all three are important. #2 stands out because obviously, if the guy isn't working, doesn't have a college education, and doesn't plan on accomplishing any of the two, the relationship is obviously going to experiences more downs than ups. More arguments are going to happen, and when he does get money for himself we probably spend it on himself and not his girlfriend.
Because I'm not in college yet, I would want my boyfriend take care of me, be understanding, and to at least have a job to pay for stuff.
Pretty good rules, I'd say.
hi there, yeah i guess it is important. All those are:) i guess no one can really satisfy us completely emotionally, physically or mentally, marriage is a partnership that can work.
It truly depends..on being at the right place, right time and right person:)
my mom has pretty much the exact same rules for me.
Yes. I agree very much with all of this. It's too bad that not all girls have such good influences to help them through these kinds of things.
I like Rule # 3 is the best one. And kudos to your mom for planning ahead  :)
I agree with everything you just said. Building yourself a life (job... car... education) also builds character. If a person doesn't strive to better their life than they've set no goals for themselves and will most likely not go anywhere with their life. It doesn't make you a snob... it just makes you an independent and able person with standards... and that's something the world needs more of.