This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.I stay over at my boyfriend's place every now and then - we have been together for a little over two years. He has a tendency to keep going on the computer to check his e-mail or look through a certain forum about car related things.
Of course, I have no problem with it, although it gets on my nerves once in a while (sometimes I want him to watch a movie with me but he's still on the computer, etc.) So, like any curious girlfriend, I decided to check his internet history. What's so goddamn interesting about a car forum?! And there's nobody e-mailing him anyway.
To my surprise, he's been snooping around in perverted topics - mostly things that are related to naked girls, and he was also checking out a thread where other users would post up pictures of naked girls. Okay *takes in a deep breath*. He only looks through those topics when I am showering or still sleeping.
I am not upset, but I feel kind of...weird? I don't know how to put it into words. I started reassuring myself that this is normal - all guys are horndogs and need to look at that kind of stuff once in a while. What irks me is that I am there! Even if I am freakin' sleeping or showering, I am still present, hello?! Anyway, I might add that our sex life has been kind of crappy. He never seems to be in the mood anymore.
*sigh* Girls, do your boyfriends do this? And guys, do you find yourself doing this? Is this...normal?
And after being in a long term relationship, has your sex life changed a lot?
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Comments (76)
I think it's pretty normal. I can't say much about my current relationship because my boyfriend and I are pretty old fashioned. In past relationships though most of my ex's did that and I felt really uncomfortable and after a period of time the sex did change...I would ask him about it maybe not say you were snooping but just bring it up that the sex is different.
goodluck!
Talk to him about it. If you dont voice your opinion/feelings, he will never know its bothering you.
Then again, hes probably gonna be pissed you went snooping through is internet history, which, you had no right to do.
But since you did, you might as well get it out in the open. And make sure to mention that you arent happy with the sex anymore. Suggest new positions or places or something that will make it interesting. Try role playing or something of that sort to get him into it...
It is normal until it starts affecting your sexlife. Umm, why look at pictures if I can get the real deal. My guess is that there is something else going on as well. Porn should be used as a tool either for learning or masturbation. Do you let him watch you shower? Do you turn down sex because you are tired? I think I would wrist one off too if I was ready to go and my SO wasn't in a giving mood.
It's normal to look at stuff like that but I agree with you that it's kind of weird (for lack of a better word) that he does it while you're there. If you feel like your sex life is crappy that's definitely something to talk about with him. He's gotta be in the mood some time, especially if he's in the mood to look at those pictures, right?
As a guy in a relationship, I can truly tell you that yes, I sometimes do do this. And it's only RARELY if I'm in the mood when I can't see my gf or she's sleeping or something like that. Guys have to get off somehow, and they'll do anything to do it because well here's a little disclaimer about boners...they dont go away unless you do something about it.
However i will say that as a guy, I am deeply disturbed that he doesnt want sex anymore. It sounds like he's looking for new ways to get off. Maybe, just maybe you can use this to your advantage and if it gets him turned on when you're in the mood for sex, then use the pictures to get him turned on and go at it. It's not the best idea, but it works for some.
I would say bring it up to him and ask him about it. Don't say you went through his history, but say the sex life isn't what it used to be and you want it back. Ask him if there'd be a way to rekindle the fire so to speak.
Hmm, I have to say that the answer you need here is a really really really long one. Actually, I'd say you need a long discussion. But to answer your simple questions, it is absolutely common (I daresay normal) for guys to browse softcore porn (softcore = nude, no sex) and/or hardcore porn (sex, all forms). It's just an impulse, and unless we forcibly deny it, we'll act on it. That in-of-itself is NOT a problem unless you or he or religiously think it is, or it becomes a compulsion that starts altering his life because of how much time he spends doing so, none of which you indicated. That's the simple question/answer. The rest of it... have our sex lives changed throughout our long relationships? Hell yes. Some for better, some for worse. Why? Every possible reason. Changing body. Changing tastes. Changing body IMAGE. Hormones. Attitude. Desire. Attraction. Distraction. Boredom. Everything. There's absolutely no way to know why your case in particular has gone south for the winter. We could guess (and I know we will), but it'll just be hit or miss luck. If you're lucky someone might guess partially correctly and hit on one of the many possible things. What should you do? Communication is always nice. Honesty... is usually nice. It depends on him and your relationship though. You could do it straightforward and just say you went snooping. Depends. You could do it roundabout, pretend you don't know, and try to broach the subject "so I just found out my friend AND her bf watch porn together...", but BEWARE you're risking him digging himself a bigger lie and far worse resentment that you 'trapped' him in it. You could ignore the porn and try to figure out what changed for the worse that lead your sex life to be 'crappy', since honestly, the porn PROBABLY has nothing to do with it.
An observation: it surprises me that you'd ask if it's normal for a guy to look at porn. It makes me think you do not have someone with whom you talk about intimate subjects openly to. Perhaps you should start there?
Edit: I noticed you mentioned "when you were there". The observation still stands though... And it is slightly weirder that he would do so when you ARE around, when you're around only "now and then". Then again, it's not that surprising. You may turn him on, but perhaps there's a reason he's not going to you directly. I for one, enjoy[ed] showering with my (now ex) gf...
If this ever happens to me, I will definitely feel bad and throw a fit.
When I met and started dating my boyfriend, he had already stocked up a vast collection of pictures and videos of nude girls and other such gross things. You could see them on his computer, his phone, his PSP, his XBox, his Zune, and pretty much on whatever electronic device he owned. I was uncomfortable with most of the crap he had on his computer and the crap I noticed in his Internet History. I asked everyone for advice and they all told me to talk to him. Since it was the first time I ever talked about this sort of thing, I figured I would just openly tell him every single thing I felt and thought about the content he kept. The next day, every single electronic device he owned were cleared of all the pictures and everything. And he never even looks out for that kind of thing anymore. It turns out that he really didn't think I would mind it because they were just pictures. Be upfront with your guy about the stuff you found. And if he tries to guilt you into feeling like the bad person for snooping through his stuff, make sure you stick to the topic, you aren't comfortable with the stuff you saw, it makes you feel weird and it doesn't seem like its a good weird you feel.
Btw, what he's doing is not normal. Its rude and disrespectful and I think you need to tell him that. The worst part is that this is happening WHILE YOU ARE THERE!!! That, in my book, is a gigantic problem. Perhaps he feels like something is lacking in your relationship. Just talk to him and find out what's going on.
Being in a long-term relationship does not have to mean that your sex goes the way of the pooper. It should age like fine wine, get better and better.
Being slightly more distant can be a common thing amongst men and yes, the looking at picture online is also fairly common. But you should know that distance (not the geographic kind) can be cured with a jump start of intimacy or unexpectedness, get creative and he'll return the favor and became totally crazy about you all over again and crave you even more than before.
To me, it's quite normal. Even though it seems my girl does it more than me. She even shows me what she finds.
It sounds like he's on some forums that post pics of random stuff, a lot of people just browse when they've got nothing better to do. It's just like when we were kids, we used to compare each other's trading cards and collectables.
As far as the love making is concerned, maybe he's just tired? People lose the drive when they're tired or stressed. Couples need to spice things up once in a while.
I would be pretty upset if he was doing that while I was in the house with him! I could understand when you weren't there, but I would expect my boyfriend to want to see me naked when I was there and not want to go on the internet to look at others while I was sleeping or in the shower.
I'd be very upset too. :[
my boyfriend does it too. not while im there (as far as i know) but he does. and it bothers me too. so i told him that i didnt like it and if he was going to continue to do it, that i would rather not find out about it. (he would ask me to check a text from his friend while he was driving and his friends send him naked women pics) so he said that if didnt like it, he would stop. and (again, as far as i know) he has. but i dont check up on him or snoop around to prove him wrong. i just trust him.
my advice? talk to him. its the only way to solve any problem in a relationship. by communicating. not flipping out and yelling. talking.
good luck!
talk to him. i mean, i've got my share of dirties in my history, but i never do it in front of him or when i'm with him. it's kind of disrespectful.
well, i dunnohow you feel about porn. soem girls feel insecure compared to it, and others view it with their guys. maybe you should talk to him about it and see what yous can do to spice things up and make both of you happy.
my sex life with my husband is pretty good for havign been together six years but we have two kids so its hard to have energy or time together.
@LupusInvictus@xanga - good point
earlier in my relationship my boyfriend did do it. but i had no idea if he did it while i was around but im pretty sure he wouldnt. we talked about it and such and now he doesn't do it anymore. i agree its disrespectful.
just talk to him about it.
Wow, that's just a bit too often.
i mean if he has to constantly look at other chicks online whenever you're not around.
it's either he is in his little world, or he is trying to learn new things for you, or hope for you to be like one of those chicks.
either way is kinda sad, xept the learning things for you part. of course.
have you ever talk to him about it?
maybe you should ask him and tell him how you feel about it.
i'm sure he'll understand.
ALL guys are horndogs?
Wow.
To answer the question, no, I haven't in the past done this.
Best bet is to talk to him about it. Try a few new things. Maybe he wants to try something new and thats why he looks at those topics, because in a way he refills a fantasy without having to tell you incase you turn him down.
Just talk to him. Ahaha. Don't start off with, "WTF are you doing looking at half girls online?!"
Plus have you told him it bothers you that he uses the computer so much when you are there and you feel like it cuts into your time together?
Xo
@Not_a_real_site@xanga - well put :D
I'm going to sound Freudian here, but is there any kind of resentment that one of you is holding against the other? I know that my sex life went sour when I started getting irritated that my boyfriend never cleaned up after himself. It sounds silly, but problems outside of the bedroom will affect problems in the bedroom. It's totally normal for guys to look at porn, and if your sex life isn't going so well right now, it seems pretty normal for him to be looking at porn even when you're there. If him looking at porn bothers you (or looking at it while you're around), talk to him about it. If you'll be afraid that he'll get mad at you for looking through his internet history, try approaching the subject a different way. You could ask him if he ever looks at porn and gradually work your way into the subject. It doesn't have to be awkward. You could even just tell him how you feel about that type of scenario without it being about you and him specifically, and it might change his behavior.
However, if you are having problems with your sex life, I seriously urge you to take a closer look at your relationship as a whole. It can often be a more obvious sign of other subtle problems with your relationship.
well, i'm a girl and im actively involved in 5 car forums. i think they are interesting and i check them all regularly and from my experience, all the guys are definitely chick oriented. guys put girls as their avatars or signatures and its nothing out of the ordinary. i don't know if I would like my boyfriend putting some half naked girl as his signature but its very common and almost nothing to worry about. as to your question about things changing between you guys, if you are sure you aren't imagining it because you have been worrying about this, then by all means talk to him about it. thats the only way anything will really get resolved.
i don't usually look at other girls online unless i get on a weird tangent on wikipedia and eventually find myself on the nudity page. i DEFINITELY don't do that while she's over. my girlfriend doesn't ever sleep over, though, but i don't understand: how can you not be in the mood? i'm always in the mood. always. i'm ready to go like minutes after we're done. maybe i'm broken.
if it's affecting sex life.. then definitely something u need to figure out... but there might be something else behind all this.. u should try to figure that issue out first. without asking him directly.. that won't work =T