Dr. DatingishI just recently got out of a really bad marriage where my husband shoved me around, made me do things sexually I didn't want to do, and even tried to lay hands on our one-year-old daughter.
The main thing though, is that while I was always faithful (he never was) there was one person who always helped me through it and even helped me get out.
Now I find myself with both gratitude and feelings for said friend; everyone is telling me I'm on the rebound. I could see this, if I had still loved my husband when I left him. But as the love was gone for almost a year, I could also see that this is real. I'd always carried these feelings, before I even knew that said person felt the same.
Would this be considered a rebound?
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Comments (21)
I do not think this is a rebound. How can this be if you harbored feelings for him for the year? Don't worry about it and take it slow.
Not necessarily a rebound...
But I'd still be careful. The feeling you developed for him may have been rooting out of the fact that he WAS helping you, caring for you, and giving you the kind of attention you wanted but werent getting from your husband. I don't know. I'm not you.
My advice would be to try to stand on your own two feet for a period of time without getting right into a relationship again.
Good luck! <3
Rebound or not, I don't think it's a good idea to jump into another relationship if this friend is filling a void left by your husband, if you're trying to distract yourself from the pain of your divorce, if you're scared of being alone, or if you're putting this friend in the position of being your "savior" or something.
Given the degree of trauma and pain you must have experienced in your marriage, it's probably a good idea to take it slow, maybe even take a break, before you get too involved with your friend. You need time make sure that everything with you is okay, that you're able to take care of yourself and your daughter, before bringing someone else into your life. Let your wounds heal.
Sorry h0nii, I'm going to disagree with the first part and wholly agree with the last. It is a rebound. HOWEVER, it's not NECESSARILY a bad thing. Here's the problem: when you break off a relationship, there are a lot of cords you cut. Emotionally. Physically. Intellectually. Intellectually you may have been cut from him for a year. Maybe. Physically you've just recently gotten out, and to be honest, there are some serious wounds there (*hug*). Emotionally? You're not out yet. You've just got one foot out the door. I say this not because I'm going to pretend that you still love him or anything, but because emotional bounds include good ones (which may be long dead) AND bad ones. If you're too close to your bad bonds right now, it can skew your perspective on everything else, things that are legitimately good... and things that are just okay. It's a rebound because you've built and will build new feelings when you're not yet over the old ones (good and bad). Here's my suggestion (and this goes with h0nii's take it slow)
1. Do not take it to the next level with your friend
2. Stay friends as you have been
3. Keep an open mind
Stay single long enough to feel single. Maybe this is a month or a few. Maybe longer. When you find that you're able to notice OTHER guys BESIDES your friend, then you're able to notice your friend. Then I'd say you can enter into a relationship with him (or someone else) with both eyes open. It may still be a 'rebound', but it'll be a lot safer and healthier for you emotionally. Be honest with how you feel to yourself and to him and ask for some time. I think you'll both be better off for it and I hope that you're ready sooner than later. He won't mind waiting. It'll be hard, but it'll be worth it. He sounds worth it.
Judging from what you wrote, I would say no, it isn't exactly a rebound since you feel you fell out of love with your ex-husband long ago. Take it slow with the new guy though. Don't wanna rush into things. Maybe stay single for now until things get a bit more stable.
To be a rebound or not? I have to say he's a bit of both. You may probably had developed feelings for him through your rough times with your husband. Does falling out of love have anything to do with him? Because sometimes, it is easier for us (generally women) to fall out of love with someone when we have another waiting for us at the end. Or maybe he has always been that friend for you and after your difficult situation, you saw him more than a friend afterward? Honestly, I think only you can tell if he's really a rebound or not.
of course in hell it is.
first you prob didnt really like your husband, maybe you really did, hope that he would change, which cause you not being able to see that other guy who's always there for you.
then right after you got this guy who's always been there and you just jump right in to fill in perhaps the empty space, the sorrow, evrerything.
of course he is rebound, unless you have always liked this guy.
Does it matter if it's a rebound?
Does this friend care about you? Are you happy?
It's all good. Go slow, let time heal your wounds.
No, trust your instinct. Don't let what any one else say wrong, especially not here.
@LiLbabeSwT@xanga - She just said that she'd like him for a while.
I wouldn't call it a rebound. Be careful though, you don't want to jump into another relationship too fast, and you should wait and make sure that you're not into this guy BECAUSE he helped you through a hard time. You need time to get back on your own two feet. I'm glad you were able to get away from that bad marriage, so good luck!
a 1yr old?!?! basturd
It kind of is. It's still too fast. Give it some time.
Would you have had feelings had it not been for him to help you?
@kaleidescopeeyes88@xanga - excelelnt advice. i agree a hundred percent
Rebound relationships are tough to classify. I think that it probably is a rebound relationship. I think that it's important to take it SLOW, especially considering what you've gone through. An abusive relationship, leaving your husband, and going through a divorce are extremely difficult things to go through, and they do leave a void. I think that it's just important that you watch to make sure that you're not using him to fill that gap.
Ultimately, I think it's totally fine to be in a relationship with this other guy. If he makes you feel safe, strong, and good, then it doesn't seem wrong to be with him. I just urge you to be careful and take your time--there isn't a rush. Don't listen to people who tell you that the relationship is pointless, that it won't work--ultimately, that's up to you two.
Good luck---and I'm really sorry for what you've been through. I hope that he faces charges.
That you must do some soul searching on your own. What is it that you like about him quality wise apart from the fact that he is always there for you? At the same time, its good to ask yourself your intentions. Are u afraid of loneliness, are u afraid that u have to deal with these emotions alone? I think its wise if you actually take some time off from this person and reminisce and see if you can live without him. If you can,its definitely are rebound, if not than maybe u might wanna really pick up the pieces of your life alone.
What makes a rebound? Damage. If you are hurting, then you feel damaged, and in the deepest ways - you are. Until the relationship that brought the damage is at a place where you are able to deal with that ex without trauma, you are not really well enough to move into the next relationship.
Why? Because when we are hurt, we will seek the relationships that feel soothing to the hurt. Like an injured arm that needs ice and a sling, we need some unusual care. Once we are healthy, the ice and sling are no longer soothing, but irritating and even confining - keeping us from growing stronger where we need and want to.
That's why "rebound" relationships rarely last. The persons we are attracted to while we are damaged, are not the kind who are what we need when we are healthy. The very fact that this friend was involved while you were being damaged may be the strongest reason for you to be cautious of any deeper involvement with him in any other capacity beyond friendship, no matter how appealing the idea may be.
When a marriage goes bust, you are going to grieve it - if for no other reason than you need to figure out how you got involved with such a loser in the first place. Since he is the father of your child, you need to find a way to remain calm responsible and composed as you share parenting with him. You have to learn how to forgive him, too.
There's so much you need to get settled in "healthy life for me as just ME" before you enfold another person who can be a good mate. But you have to remember, you are vulnerable right now, and resist letting yourself fall into someone else's arms - no matter how comforting it seems.
@MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio@xanga - wow! You are wise. Bless you for the hug.
if you think it's a rebound, then it is, if you think not, then it isn't.
hmm, wait and see. keep your daughter in mind too :\ caution is the word here.
@MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio@xanga - take this man's advice.
I agree.
Xo
don't worry about rebound - people move on at different rates and I swear the term rebound exists to make us feel guilty about moving on
if you want to be with this person then do it and appreciate the good you both can bring to the relationship
Take your time. That's the best advice anyone can give in almost any situation, especially when it comes to dating.
Even if it might not seem like a rebound, if you jump in too soon, it could become one. In other words, even if the feelings are genuine and long-lasting, you still risk rushing things to try to force out old memories, or to recover from the actual end (not the emotional end) of your relationship with your ex.
Be careful and take it slow.