Wednesday, 31 December 2008
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I Do Not Want to Be "The Other Woman"
This is a guest blog submitted by Rorasa.I started hanging out with this guy about three months ago. We talk online and message each other a lot. The age gap between us is rather large, though - ten years. We've hung out several times - we have gone out to the movies, to the beach, gone out with a mutual friend, nothing very serious . . . although we have made out once. After that, he admitted to me that he was attracted to me, and I told him that I was, too.
There exists only one problem now: He is married, and I knew that right from the start.
He has told me how trapped he feels in his marriage, and he has not been staying with his wife for almost two months now (I need to state that I am not the cause of this! We only started going out a little while ago). I really do like him; no, scratch that, I think I do love him. He claims he does, too.
He has promised me many things, one of them being to never hurt me, physically or emotionally. I am afraid to believe him, though. If he cheats on his wife with me, what is to stop him from cheating on me in future?
I know that I should not let this go on. I do not want to do this, I do not want to be the cheap other; I do not want participate in his lies and help him cheat on his wife. I have tried ignoring him, I have tried rejecting him, but I was not successful as all my attempts were half-hearted. I cannot bring myself to distance myself from him.
I do not want to be "the other woman," but I don't want to leave him, either. What should I do?
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Comments (337)
You already know what you should do, you're just hoping someone can come along and justify what you want to do. You know it's a terrible idea...
This is a case where you need to follow your own advice. You already know what to do... just do it.
@ChristieOriley@xanga - totally agreed.
Your best bet is to distance yourself. He is still married and it still makes you the other woman. Situations like this rarely work out happily.
Don't give in unless you get that commitment. Unless he tells his wife and leaves her permanently, its just false words he's feeding you.
When he signs those divorce papers is when you should believe him.
... Mine wasn't married, but he was in a long distance relationship that was, "going no where." Then one day his best friend mentioned to me that the girl in question (his girlfriend) was moving here, in less than a week time. He told me that it had be set in stone for a week or so, and I lost my own sanity when I realized it was just the night before that he had tried to get into my pants.
Fact being fact I knew from the get go that this was bad news, but I tried to tell myself he would leave her and pick me.. But once it became clear that he wanted to keep me a girl on the side, I finally ran.
Do what I did.. run away. Change your name, change your number, change your e-mail address, change the locks on your doors. Change it all, and lastly, change your life, and raise your standards.. a real man would have left his wife when he fell out of love with her, not cheated on her.
I second bmrowland
You're still "the other woman" no matter how you look at it. So if you are really honest about not wanting to be the other woman, DON'T. The guy is clearly asking for an affair, because he's not leaving his wife.... so it all goes back to morals. Seriously... wasn't it obvious?
OH HELL NO. He is LYING to you. I have been the wife in this situation and he will tell you whatever you want to hear. Do you have PROOF that he isn't seeing his wife? RUN NOW BEFORE SHE GETS WIND OF THIS. TRUST ME, YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE IN THIS POSITION, I KNOW MY HUSBAND'S GF SURE DIDN'T.
You're acting like a slut in my opinion. Fooling around with a guy who is already taken, not to mention married? That sort of behavior is disgusting and it looks like to me that you wrote this partly to have people sympathize with you and to hopefully help you justify your actions but let me tell you: you are wrong in this. You shouldn't have started anything. You knew he was married. I don't fucking care what excuse this guy or you shoves out. NOTHING justifies cheating. Stop acting like a skank and get your own guy.
Oh, and by the way..I'm pretty sure he promised his wife the same things he promised you. Guys do that. Promises are like any other sweet words... a lot of 'em just say them to spark up the moment. Still... the woman married him..so he HAD to have said SOMETHING to make that happen. It wasn't like she held a gun over his head. Engagement was a promise to get married, and marriage is a promise for...forever... so you can see where this is leading.
If he cheats on her, hes going to cheat on you. the saying "Once a cheater always a cheater" is very true. Once he starts he'll never stop. it gives people a high, knowing that they can do that and get away with it. You know what the right thing to do is, and hes not the only one in the wrong, you are too. you know hes married. try and put yourself in his wifes shoes. How would you feel if you were being cheated on? especially being cheated on with someone ten years younger than you.
Tell him that if he wants to be with you, he needs to divorce his wife.
If he refuses, then you know he's a lying cheat.
@XXVl@xanga - He's a lying cheat anyway.
Im a married women and honestly i dont agree with you..i dont feel bad for you, and if he can cheat on his wife then he WILL cheat on you. best believe this will not get far at all..your stupid for even getting with him and knowing he is married...disgusting!!!!!
@spicycajun@xanga - Well...some guys actually DO tell the truth sometimes.
If you don't want to leave him then you are willing to be the other woman.
I don't have any respect for women like you who knew from the start that a man is married and is still willing to be the other woman. Nevertheless, if he's not living with his wife, if he's separated from his wife, he is still married to her.
And if he claims that he loves you, what's stopping him from ending his marriage completely? Are you sure you're just not a rebound for him? Are you sure he's not talking to his wife anymore or behind your back in that kind of way? Just not his wife but other women as well?
How can he promise that he won't hurt you physically or emotionally when his actions speak otherwise? Or that he's cheating on his wife with you? Seriously. If you allow yourself to be in this kind of situation and be treated this way, you have yourself to blame at the end. And I wouldn't be surprise if his wife finds out about you and starts blaming you for their "time-not-being-in-the-same-house" time frame even if you weren't the cause of it.
@awokenfatality@xanga - I totally agree. Otherwise, move on.
Promises don't mean anything for liars, and clearly, he IS a liar. Â He is lying to his wife, so how would you know he's not lying to you??
You know what you're supposed to do, you said it yourself. Â Sometimes we don't want to face unpleasant facts, but suck it up and just do it, or odds are, you will regret it in the future. Â You will find a better guy if you give yourself the chance and leave this cheater.
My friend was going through this exact same situation, except they were only one year apart. You need to really work it out for yourself, but remember that marriage is meant to be hard and there isn't (or shouldn't be) an easy out. Maybe that is what he is looking for with you.
Either way, I don't know the whole situation, but remember that it's been less than two months.. and he's married. You're right, you never know if he can't turn around and do the same thing to you that he's doing to his wife.
My friend eventually bowed out of the whole situation and it was hard and awkward, but she's doing better now and finding other guys out there.
Best of luck to you and him and his wife. (=
Ok go ahead and be the cheap other then.
Don't be a retard!
Your going to do what you want to do. So what do you want more, to be with him or to not be the other woman?
You are the other woman. There's no way around it. Do the right thing: leave this man and his family alone. What you're doing is called "being a home wrecker" and it's nothing short of disgusting.
ok, i am a guy that was once in this type of situation and i can truthfully say that most of what everyone has said above this comment is true. when i did end my marrige, so did the relationship with the gf. seems she did not see me as good as a catch as with trying to reel me in. i would say to you...seek out an other guy or distence yourself enough until he is completely clear and then see if you still feel the same.
just stay with him until you find a real man. he's just using you, so if you cant leave him, use him back.
follow your heart, but always be prepared for the worst
@ICONIC_COUTURE@xanga - great idea :]