Miss Seal (Re: Boys, We Want You To Kiss Us -- he went for the kill
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My friend was dating this boy for a while, and we asked her if we could meet him. She kind of got embarrassed and said she wasn't sure if we'd approve.
This seemed like a red flag if ever there was one, but thinking about it, there are few friends' significant others that I have actually liked. I am not a picky person, but one boy broke his hand playing beer pong. Another spent the younger years of his life in a nudist beach camp. Another took back the words "I love you" via text.
Clearly, my friends and I don't always go for the greatest of people, but when is it okay to step in and say something? While my friends were dating the boys mentioned above, I didn't feel it was my place to object. Who am I to say what my friend needs in a relationship? If she's happy, then I'm happy, and why would she date him if she didn't really like him?
So, have you ever stepped in and objected to your friend dating a person you didn't think was right for him/her? What do you do when you don't like a friend's significant other?
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Comments (57)
Yes. The year after I graduated from high school, two of my friends decided to marry guys that were just bad. One I was too immature to tell her anything and just stopped talking. The other I told I didn't approve, but ended up being a bridesmaid for her anyway, because no one else's opinion was changing her mind.
Good luck... :)
I generally tell my friends the truth if I think their SO isn't the best for them. A lot of times they ask me for my genuine thoughts on someone in order to help them out with a decision, so I can't lie. Luckily, I haven't had to express my disapproval too much so far; my friends usually have good taste haha.
i don't hold back when it comes to the welfare of my friends. i'll let them know when i think a guy is no good and i expect and have had the same happen for me from them.
Honestly, I stay out of my friends relationships. Majorly because it's none of my business who they date or wants to hook up with. That's their preferences and choice.
BUT if they come to me with their relationship problems, yes, I will let them know exactly what I think about their relationship and their boyfriend.
Because hey, I wouldn't want someone to randomly butt into my relationship either.
Nudist beach camp? I don't really see how its a red flag if it's someone's lifestyles.
As for my friend's SOs. There has been plenty of the I don't like the guy/girl. For them cheating on my friends, manipulating them and verbally abusing them, doing drugs, sleeping around and catching STDs, and for not being there for them and instead accusing them of not being good bf/gf. Many of my friends have chosen someone that was a complete douche and compulsive liars, and they kept going back to the person, some of them still are. I express my concerns to them, but this is something that they have to realize on their own. If it takes them years to find it out, oh well, when someone has their heads in the clouds, nobody can take them down but themselves. The most I can do is give them advice and be there when they need me.
I have a friend now who is getting married to this guy who wants to control her, it feels like she is brainwashed. He is arab and the kind that believes a wife should be mute (he said it to one of my friends) and he doesn't even ALLOW her to have facebook...anyways, when I heard about this, it just freaked me out but I couldn't say anything to her. I mean, ultimately it's her decision in the end and if she is happy with him, then why would I object and lose her friendship? We all have different point of views when it comes to people, I can't input mine over hers when it's her life. So I stay out of my friend's relationship, unless they come and talk to me about it and want my advice, then I give it.
Oh my goodness! I've played the "don't date him/her" game before. Being female, I was more apt to mother over my male friends. In my younger days, I advised a guy friend not to date a girl that he probably could have dated and been just fine. Then, a couple years later she died.... and I remembered all the mean things I'd said about her. Ouch. My opinions ceased from that point forward--maybe out of some sense of reverence, but don't hold me to that. Emotions are complicated.
My best friend always dates guys that are all wrong for her, and then her relationships fall apart after like a month or so and she wonders why. It annoys me sometimes because she's constantly upset about her relationships but when I tell her that she needs to start dating better guys, she says that I'm not supportive of her. =/
If the guy is bad news, I have no problem telling my friends that. I told my best friend I didn't like her (now ex) boyfriend because of all the things he did to her, but I guess she's the type of person who needs to figure this out the hard way.
You don't say anything, unless she mentions that she's unhappy and she wants your opinion. Honesty is the best policy, but it really isn't your place. I can see you saying something if the guy/girl was terribly abusive to your friend. For example, I told a friend that she shouldn't be talked to the way her boyfriend did to her. I told her to drop him like a bad habit because he definitely did not respect her enough to talk to her like a human being. Just because he's done some questionable things in his past or lived a quirky life... doesn't mean he's an altogether horrible person.
I wasn't & still am not a fan of my sister's boyfriend. I've told her how I felt about it & my reservations about her dating him again.. [He had cheated on her over a year ago & then ended up dating the girl & when they broke up, he returned to my sister.] But in the end, it's her decision.. despite how much my opinion means to her. [Her words.. verbatim.] As much as I don't like it, I can't make her to do anything she doesn't want to do. I just hope that in the end, it all works out for the best.. even if it hurts me to see that she might be making the biggest mistake of her life. But again, who knows what God's got in store for her? It stinks to keep quiet & let her go.. :( I guess some people just need to learn it the hard way.
if you object to your freinds bf/gf tell them and then tell them why you object and if they dont agree then just dont tell them again. but if that person is hurting yuor freind dont be afraid to stand up to them and the bf/gf and tell them that things need to change EVEN IF your freind has an issue with it. because no one should have to see their freind get hurt. (ive had similar problems so i understand).
cat
@spidergrass@xanga - Same here. It's tough to watch friends do that, but if that's what they want to do...
if i really like a guy, i let my friend know... for the most part, i like almost everyone, but really liking takes some extra. i don't think i'd ever intercede, but if i didn't have a particular fancy for a guy my friend was dating i might nudge her along a little bit if she ever confided in me about wanting to break up with him.
and if things go wrong, i'm there to pick her up and help her trough when it's over and tell her she deserved better and there were always things i didn't like about him, etc.
@jeezshoua@xanga - i agree with the part about letting a friend know if they come to you for advice. my step-sister is dating a guy that i don't like for many reasons and i let her know (as politely as possible) why i don't like him.
with that said, i also need to point out that it can cause a lot of problems in your friendship. i found that the best thing to do is to mention it once and then drop it. it is, after all, your friend's choice.
My full response would be far too long to put in a comment, so I wrote my own blog post on it. But to give a simple answer to the simple question, I rarely like my friend's boyfriends (I'm a guy, and my female friends seem to have poor judgment when it comes to men) and I have NO reservations when it comes to expressing my opinions of them and/or making maneuvers to help them see how wrong their men are for them. I have twice before gone so far as to attempt to directly break them up (by direct I mean telling them each to their face that they should). The first went very well. The second failed. Anyway, you can read my post about meddling here:
http://weblog.xanga.com/MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio/687816153/its-all-about-control-or-is-it.html
People say that i have like a "sixth" sense about people and when i meet a friend's bf, I can usually tell if it's going to work. I usually tell them in a nice way that, "huh he was alright...i just donno though."....but when my friend comes to me saying that he's a jerk (they had a fight or whatnot) that is usually when i tell them my true feelings about the guy....so far every bf my friend's have had, proved me right. *shrugs* so i don't know....So you can object, but make sure you use the right words at the right time, other wise you will open up a can of worms :)
O and just because she is dating him doesn't mean she likes him....my friend married a guy that she is now divorcing not even 2 years of marriage....he was one that i REALLY didn't like but she didn't listen to me.
Usually, I try to remain neutral and not include myself in my friend's relationships with other people, but if they come to me, then I try to state my opinion with strong evidence.
There was this time where my best friend came to me because a guy asked her out on a date. She asked me what I thought of him, since we went to school together, before. I didn't like him, not one bit. He was known to have a reputation of a player. He even tried that on me! I mean, come on, I know better than to go out with some jerk like him. I told her that. But, she said she really liked him, and he's so nice to her that it can't possibly be true. I tried to make my point, but she always found a way to avoid it and talk about how amazing he is to her. Long story short, she ended up finding out that he had another girlfriend WHILE dating her.
I didn't want to make her feel any worse than she already did, so I just comforted her.
I will usually say something to the friend and be quiet thereafter. I've had friends tell me they didn't like some of my exes. I took into consideration what they told me but that was it.
I don't care. If I say anything to them, it's in one ear and out the other because they are too blindly in love to realize things. They will find out for themselves.
they state together then broke up after years but now they're together again! they're prolly gonna get married soon! point is, u can tell them but nicely! haha me, I just scare the guy coz I'm known as the scary friend! haha
I have..and I usually hate beating around the bushes so I tell my friends right away. They choose to listen or not but in the end, they always do tell me, I was right. I say, hint your friend that something is off about him, nicely, casually, throw it out there, as a joke or whatever not to get her too offended. HOwever, the best thing to do is to grab her to the side and talk to her 1:1 and seriously let her know what's up but don't make it sound as if you're demanding it. Tell her, "From your point of view, and because you're worried"
Yes. I used to tell him what I thought but he didn't want to hear it and then I was usually proven right in the end and he would come back later and blame it all on me and say I should've stopped him from making such a big mistake when he told me off in the first place that he was so in love with his SO and that I was just jealous and he was going to date the person anyways. So eventually I just stopped stating my opinion and let him do whatever the hell he wanted and face to repercussions of his own actions because it was simply easier on my life.
if i don't like the person's boyfriend, i leave them alone because it really has nothing to do with me. it doesn't bother me at all. they're the one dating the asshole, not me. it's only when they want me to come along to hang out with them that is bothers me. sometimes i guess i do try to interfere & talk some sense into my friend, but only if they are REALLY close to me.
If I don't like my friend's boyfriends, I wouldn't probably say it to her face, but give out hints. :X
Most of my friends didn't like my past boyfriends, and I can understand why. One of them told me straight forward "I don't like him.", but didn't do anything to get in the way.