This is a guest blog submitted by peanutconqueror. Recently I met up with one of my oldest friends - guys I've known since the second grade. We caught up on old times and new business. One guy is still a student; another became a US Marshal; and the last guy joined the army. Army Guy went to the same college as I did, so I still knew him pretty well. He's the poster child of a computer nerd. He stands at 5'-1", majored in computer science and was a total mama's boy - so not exactly a ladies magnet like I am. I believe the main reason why he joined the military was so he could get away from his mother and change his "nerdy" lifestyle.
The topic of marriage came up and Army Guy became quite enthusiastic and started talking about his girlfriend. Remembering him as the nerdy guy in college, I was completely surprised that he had a girlfriend. Upon further discussion, turns out he actually has an "online girlfriend" he met through a social website. The girl is located in the Philippines, 18 years old, and they've been chatting for over 2 years. He is 26, located in New York, but has traveled to the Philippines to meet her. He said he met her whole family and took them out while he was there. He says she's so innocent that he only got to kiss her twice during the two weeks he was there.
I'm not usually a skeptic when it comes to love, but this whole Long Distance Online Relationship doesn't feel genuine to me.
I know how powerful communication can be, and for a relationship to be purely based on communications, it means the relationship is pretty strong. But honestly speaking, I think he's fallen for her only because this is the first time he's gotten attention and affection from a women. I'm fairly certain he'd never had a girlfriend before. He also sends her stuff like a digital camera, a cheap laptop (used) and other miscellaneous gifts. He reasons that because he only spent about $400 on her in the past two years, then that's not a lot for a relationship. Yes, that is true, but usually there's some sort of reciprocation in return. Two kisses? Come on!
Just so this entry is not so one-sided, she did change her MySpace photo to a photo of him and her together. She's also pretty cute - not someone I'd fly to the Philippines for, but I'm just lazy like that. Heck, I don't even like traveling 20 miles to a different borough in NYC for a girl. Anyway, he also said she writes him an email every day when he's away with the army. Even if he's gone for 30 days, he'd get 30 emails in his inbox when he returns. That is pretty sweet of her. So I'm slightly conflicted in believing in this whole Long Distance Online Relationship.
What do you all think of this whole Long Distance Online Relationship concept? I know it's possible, but is it something to take seriously? I told my friend to be careful and not send her too many expensive items, but he's too in love to listen; and I don't want to crush his spirits. Oh well, if it does work out and he gets married, then I am on the first plane to the Philippines to meet myself a wife!
True
Comments (54)
I understand why you think it seems...strange. If they have only actually met one time, then they obviously don't know eachother well. She may be a completely different person over the computer. She could be lying about things, or seeing someone on the side. How would he know?
Besides, they haven't been out on dates, so how do they know what they have in common? And since they aren't ever around eachother, they don't know how the other acts in public or what annoying things they do. They probably haven't had an argument before, which is when it really shows how strong a relationship is. After all, you're only as strong as your weakest moment. Same for relationships. I just don't understand online dating. If you aren't around someone face to face, how can you really know that person?
LDRs aren't as easy as they look. You're on your own for mostly everything; you have to live with the reality that you can't be held by or hold that other person when either of you is down; you have to know yourself and know when you need to take some time for yourself or when to give time for the other person; you also have to know when to say "I'm sorry if it's not convenient but I need you for this now." LDRs take a lot of trust and time.
I guess what keeps relationships like this together is the honesty and the knowledge that some day you'll be together.
PS: about the "only two kisses" thing. When you havn't met someone before just holding them can be intimidating. You might be comfortable being a ho on the first date (or in this case meet), but gifts do not equal sex or even anything more than a thank you if she's not ready for it. I've been with someone on-line near two years and he's coming down this summer for the first time and he's gotten me things, but that doesn't mean I'm going to have sex with him or anything like that. How do you know those two kisses weren't the first that girl has ever had and that she wasn't ready for more? Cute she might be, but I know some very beautiful girls who've never been kissed and they're in their twenties. Looks do not equal experience.
If I was going to be all skeptical of a certain kind of relationship, I'd find a more dysfunctional one to cite as the example. (: They sound like they've got a good thing going on.
"Yes, that is true, but usually there's some sort of reciprocation in return. Two kisses? Come on!" There is a word for knowing the exchange rate for cash to physical affection. xD Prostitution, maybe. Or Sugar Daddying. I know that's not where you were going with it, but she's young. They may have meant a lot to her.
A lot of times these things don't work out because they're missing that third dimension, but then you find people who've made it work.
I will say this:
My cousin met a girl online, and "dated" her for four years before they were old enough to meet(he was only 14 at the time). When they did, they got a place together in her home state and are now happy as clams. That was six years ago.
I am not ashamed to admit that I'm hoping to follow in his footsteps. I met a guy three years ago. I was "with" him for one, but an online relationship is a very hard thing to make work we decided it was better to just be friends. But that doesn't change the way we feel about each other. I am just hoping that it will work out for us the way it did for my cousin. I have three more years to go until I'm 18 and I can move out.
Of course it's strange to anyone who's not involved. I used to think it wasn't really practical to make close friends with someone you met online; now for about two years I've known this girl who's one of my closest friends, and we've never even met face-to-face. We care about each other a lot, and from that point I could understand how certain connections like that could be formed.
Sounds strange, but if you open your mind to it and it happens to you, it might not seem so outlandish anymore.
Anyway, I think it's good that he's at least met her in person, even if it was once. Every person is different, so not everyone is able to handle a long distance relationship like that. There's nothing wrong with being cautious, so warning him wasn't bad at all. As long as you don't judge him or make assumptions about what he's doing. And if the relationship happens to fail at some point, that doesn't automatically mean that long distance online relationships don't work, and that he won't meet someone else that way. People ask how you can really *know* someone when you haven't been face-to-face, but haven't there been plenty of instances where people have been deceived by others that they have known personally for years? Just because we meet someone in person doesn't mean we'll automatically uncover every single thing about him or her. With that said, just wish him the best.
It's understandable that you think it's...different as you haven't experienced it yourself...I've been in some but i've never met any in person as i could never bring myself to step out of that safety boundary, unsure of what they're like in person and whether they would like me in person or not (it feels silly but i guess it's natural)
You shouldn't think of the two kisses as an EXCHANGE for those presents...they're two separate things, you don't buy physical affection, as someone above mentioned before, that's practically prostitution.
I think to an extent, these relationships shouldn't be taken seriously until a longer time...for instance, the example you gave they've talked for 2 years, that's enough to be serious depending on how much they've gotten to known each other throughout the 2 years, but say 3 months definitely wouldn't be enough to be taken seriously.
Personally, i treat online friends just like any friend - we do the same things together, laugh, share advice, comfort each other, etc etc...it's just missing the physical activities. People bond through communication.
Although i have to say i prefer seeing people in person as sometimes...you never can seem to know their emotions, whether their lying and whether their hiding something...it's just different...
I can see why you have advised your friend not to send her too many gifts, especially expensive ones and i agree...i think he should wait till they've met a few more times before raising the expense he's spending on her ~
i find this a bit fishy, but then again, i tend to be a skeptic and cynic. on the one hand, it's almost better to get to know each other from afar because you are forced to talk and communicate. on the other hand, how can you be certain that there is really something there without the physical closeness? i would tell my friend to be extra cautious.
I would be skeptical too, but as you said, you're friend is too in love. There are somethings that are better to learn the hardway, especially when the other's head is in a hole. Lets hope it doesn't end up badly.
Long distance relationship can either go both ways - It can work out, or a be a total bust. It may be easier for some people out there, and it does take a lot of time and trust, like others have said.
It's a good thing that you're concerned about your friend, but I think he can take care of himself. If it's a loss, oh well, he learned something.
Lucks ~
I personally wouldn't recommend it but sometimes these things just happen. I have been in it and it was excruciatingly hard because, like someone has already mentioned, there are a lot of factors lacking and missing from the picture. It can work out. It's possible, but it's a long shot.
Your friend seems happy but he's far too much in love to see things clearly. Tell him not to jump the gun but at the same time, don't rain on his parade either.
I had a LDR and had a bad experience with it, hence my opinion of them. I personally feel that LDR's aren't necessarily successful as local relationships because you don't know what that person does once he/she signs off the Internet. You have no guarantees that there isn't a different someone on the other side of that computer box or that they're even faithful to you and you alone. This guy I "dated" online had a real girlfriend plus two or three other online girlfriends, including myself, that he was stringing along just for the hell of it. I never fully forgave him I don't think. So I could personally never do another LDR again because of the amount of trust required of it and I got burned the first time.
They're not in love with each other, they're in love with the idea of each other. It may work if they finally see each other and are compatible with each other. Eventually they'll have to decide to break up or one of them has to move to the same city.
Whatever floats his boat. If it doesn't work out, that's his problem. Sometimes people need to learn lessons the hard way.
I can't see how this could go on indefinitely, though.
i dont understand why he would do this.
he doesnt even know the person really. for all he knows he could be some 49 year old obese man...
I wouldn't make a big deal out of the "two kisses" thing - I'm Filipino, and in the Philippine culture - particularly those in strict families - it's not as acceptable for a woman to be that physically affectionate with a man until they're actually married, or at the very least engaged/in a very long term relationship. This would be especially true if the community didn't know him too well; if he's only visited once or twice over those two years, it would make sense. Now if he's visiting several times a year and is practically part of the neighborhood, then it would be a different story. Prudence is a key part of our culture, so don't be so quick to judge because she isn't "putting out."
I don't think that Long Distance Online Relationships work out well, but then again, I may be wrong. I think that Long Distance Relationships are hard enough to keep alive, let along a Long Distance Relationship that is mostly based online. I would not try to start a relationship online if I could not drive to her to meet her in person. It may be difficult for him to meet women, but I think it would be much better if he met someone in person.
If he marries her and they live happily ever after, then it is something great that should be celebrated!
i don't think it would work out in the long run but that is just me. and for me, i wouldn't be able to do this i know that for sure. i mean, long distance relationships works but eventually someone would have to move to or from in order to keep it going
I understand where your skepticism is coming from since long distance relationships are so hard to keep up with. They both seem to be happy with each other though. In my opinion though, I doubt this will go on indefinitely.
pure luck.
but im not a believer of ling distance relationships let alone online dating.. for me it wouldnt work out specially that theyve never been together. i mean if i do have a long distance relationship i must assure myself that ive known the guy atleast long before he go whereever far away that place might be. and but.. i dont know. it seldom works.
thats their life and how he sees things so.. ok
If your relationship's real -- regardless of the distance, being online or offline...then yeah, it's something to take seriously.
I met the person I've loved the most in my whole life, online. He's now my ex, and our relatinship did not stay online. (probably helped that he was only a state away and knew my adopted brother).
Neither of us were ever rich, but we sent eachother letters...occasional gifts we made for eachother, called eachother when we could afford the long distance, and we've ended up breaking eachothers' hearts...but we're on okay terms again. After all, I've offered him a job and a place to stay (see: escape to)...and he's making arrangements and looking forward to it.
Love does not care about your circumstances, it doesn't care if...at first...you'd never seen them before or heard their voice...because it is an intangible thing.
An online long distance relationship is also an intangible thing. So there's no real reason for it not to be something to be taken seriously.
The whole, 'not knowing eachother' thing some have mentioned here...well it's the same sort of danger in real life, really. No difference.
I tend to view it as valid as any other kind of relationship, and since I'm big on the whole "tests of how much that person could really care about you" thing...it's not something I'm adverse to.
As for your friend's case in particular, even if you don't get how their relationship works...it's a friend's job to be a little skeptica and suspicious because you want to look out for him. It's POSSIBLE that the girl isn't what she says she is, but again, not being in our friend's shoes...you can't really accurately judge that without much to go on.
They seem pretty loyal to eachother. Maybe he got lucky.
I am glad I am not skeptical like a lot of you here. All I can say is, I wish your friend all the best. In my opinion, LDRs CAN work - be it based online or on phone or snail mail. They have worked for three my friends (now married with kids), so I will not be skeptical.
Why dont you leave them be and let them be happy, i think you should support your friend rather saying its not going to work and he should stop sending her things. if you was in his shoes then you would understand how he feels. some long distance relationships workout and some dont but its not for the third party to say rather it will workout or not. so i say just be there for your friend and dont judge his relationship, he seems really happy and i think they will make it in the long run. i wish them the best of luck and you should be happy for him its up to him if he wants to spend his money on her =]
I just got out of one and it ended up badly. While I don't hate the guy - he broke it off - I don't think it was worth it at all. If you don't know the guy, then, well, you're better off not getting into it.
This story is very very much like my aunt and uncle's story (actually just very close family friends). He, Gary, was a very nerdy guy who never had a girlfriend. His mom saw a story on TV about a guy who met his wife in the Philippines, so she told him to go to a pen pal service to find a nice girl in the Philippines to write letters to. For two years, they wrote letters to each other. They saw pictures of each other, but of course it was not the same thing. Finally he flew to the Philippines and they saw each other face to face for the first time. Though surrounded every second by all her relatives, they knew that they had to spend the rest of their lives together.
That was about 17 years ago. Now they have two awesome kids, live in a nice house in the suburbs, and are still very much in love. They are business partners in all the crazy things they set out to do and are one of the cutest couples I know.
I'm not saying not to worry, but situations like this can work out. I wish your friend the best!!
p.s. The fact that her mom and aunties let the two have enough alone time to kiss is a very good sign haha.