Monday, 29 December 2008
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His Family: "You Can Pick Your GF Or Us!"
This is a guest blog submitted by inn0centanqelx89.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now. Before we started dating, we'd known each other for about four months - we quickly became each other's best friends during that time. We talked, texted, IMed each other all day and neither one of us would go to sleep without talking to each other first. Somewhere in all of that, we fell for each other and started dating. We had drastic differences: He's Pakistani and I'm Indian. He's Muslim and I'm Christian. But we worked through our problems and differences, and we couldn't be happier. We were the couple that most of our friends were jealous of. We put each other's needs first. We would do anything and everything to see each other smile.Fast forward to June: My boyfriend and his family decided to take a trip to their homeland, Pakistan. He would be gone the entire summer. We were both devastated and the goodbye was terrible. We vowed to talk to each other twice every day. I called him at night and he called me in the mornings. I wrote him an e-mail every single day as well. Then, his family brought up marriage. Yes, he was only twenty, but the family wanted him to be married through an arranged marriage. He said no and stood his ground. Eventually, his family found out about me and distanced themselves from him. They didn't talk to him as much. They didn't include him as much. But, his choice was still the same: me. In September, he finally came back and we were again, happy as we could be. We knew we wanted to be with each other more than ever.
Fast forward again to the present. The other day, his mother brought up the subject of his marriage and me and such. In the end, they asked him to choose between them or me. If it is me, he would have to leave the house the next morning. To his family, he would be considered dead. If it's them, he would have to break up with me.In the end, his choice was...his family. He didn't break up with me, though - we're still together. We both decided that if it's not each other, we won't marry anyone else. We'll both remain single for the rest of our lives if that's what our parents want.
And now I feel second best to my boyfriend's family. Am I just being unreasonable or are my fears justified? If I'm being unreasonable, how can I look past this and move on?
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- From: inn0centanqelx89@xanga
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Comments (73)
Picking his family isn't something you should fear or feel any resentment towards. After all, it is all he has now and forever. When you weren't there, his family was; in anyway possible; financially, socially, whatever you put to it, family was there since the time he was conceived to the day they die. Sorry to break your heart but eventually time will let both of you move on.
this is a touchy subject. i personally fight with my mother over my boyfriend, but she's never giving me a ultimatum to choose between her and my boyfriend. i say all you can do for now is see how things go. and i feel your feelings are justified. this is how i see it..if you extremely love each other, than screw what his parents say. they can't control him forever. however if one of you feels it's too hard, than maybe it's just not meant to be. but honestly, i'd fight for the one i love.
Okay, I made this mistake choosing my man over my boyfriend, fiance over my family. I wouldn't say mistake thought. I shouldn't have said that. We were happy as can be. I was affraid to tell my family about him because of our major major BIG age difference. Well he made me because he didn't want my to sneak and lie to my parents.
When I did, they told me I couldn't see him any longer. I said you can't tell me who and how to date any more I am 25 yrs old. So what did my mom do KICK ME OUT!! We didn't talk for a year, we started talking agian. Then my fiance was diagnosed with cancer, so guess where I am back at?? My moms. Does she like and accept the idea of him and I getting married one day? Not really but it all comes down to the fact I am her daughter....
I hope you two make the right choice, sometimes the wrong choice can be a great one.... We are happier now since our familys are okay with us being together, than hiding all the time
@hyungjoo87@xanga - QFT. Quoted for truth.
You two may have deep feelings for each other, but unless one or the other of you are willing to convert, you need to move on. Because as far as your guy's future (and his family's thoughts are concerned), not only can your religious difference effect you and him, but also your children (if you decide to), and their futures.
The main difference between Islam and Christianity is Christ. If you guys are thinking about getting married (with or without his parents' consent), you guys need to be equally yoked, in one direction or the other.
In the end, it'll save you more time, heart break, and trouble than you'd want in a relationship.
I understand that his family has very "strict" family/religious/cultural values, but if they can't except that he is happy with someone that they "disapprove" of, they are in the wrong. They should not disown him because he wants to be happy and in the end it's not their choice on who he is in love with and should marry. I am not "dis-ing" on their family/religious/cultural beliefs, but they need to be open minded and excepting of their son's decisions. I know that it will be a VERY difficult decision for your boyfriend, but it seems like he has to make this decision whether or not he wants to. Be supportive, not pushy, and help him out in this difficult time.
Try seeing this decision from his point of view:
You guys have been going out for a little over a year (while being apart for a part of that year) and he doesn't know whether or not he should take the HUGE step in moving out and living with you. That's not a bad thing it's just a "safe" thing. Also, he would be taking a chance, no offense, of it not working out while still being "disowned" by his family. He has a lot to work through and making the decision he made is the "safe" one.....Don't take offense to that!!!
From what you have said, you guys have come to an "agreement" about your differences in religion (which is a big step and hard in other relationships to over come) and so should his family. Also, staying "single" forever might work for a short while, but sooner or later it will become a problem (esp with the way his family is). He can't keep "hiding" the fact that you guys are still in a relationship from his family. They sooner or later will figure it out and will MAKE him make his FINAL decision under pressure and 9/10 it won't be in your favor.
So like i said before, his parents are in the wrong, but it's still a very difficult decision for him on what to do. Don't take offense to anything (like this last "decision")....sit, talk, help him make the decision (without telling him what to do or making him feel guilty because that will make more problems).....Don't give up just because your parents disapprove.
It's hard being "liberal" when your parents are so "conservative"....
I hope this helps...
Blessed Be
PS: I wouldn't worry about converting and everything...if you guys have come to agreements about each other's religious beliefs that's great...all you would have to do is keep an open mind when you have children (which doesn't seem to me that you will have any problem with that). Religion isn't everything in a relationship...
Oo, his parents are strict dear. =/ Your fears and feelings are justified due to the situation from his parents. If he's really worth it, stay single. Do whatever it takes that will suit you.
The Lord will open a new road for you. Perhaps, just have him in your life to keep you happy. You're both still together...so just try to ignore what his parents have asked him to do, yet respect his parents wishes. I mean, stay with him if you must but just stay away from his parents for now. (I hope that made sense...) I know it's tough, but be patient. =)
My boyfriend and I have drastic differences as well. He's Afghan-American and Muslim while I am Asian-American and Christian. I haven't had it too bad, YET. I have met his intermediate family and they're really nice people. I like them and they like me. (Since he's studying abroad right now, I do keep in touch with his mom once in awhile.)
Although, his mom recently met a relative of his and wanted him to marry her. (He told me that he hopes that his mom was kidding but we never know, lol.)
It's a touching situation, that you love each other so much, but it's not so unreasonable to choose family. He's had them since, well, before he met you. They raised him, clothed him, fed him...loved him. And even though he's reciprocated your feelings, there are some things that he just can sacrifice. I'm sure it would be difficult, if not impossible, for you to give up your family, as well. Don't be threatened by it, because giving up family isn't as glamorous and romantic as Romeo and Juliet made it seem. Who knows, maybe they'll realize they can't control him forever. But for now, it might be best to move on. It really is a tear-jerking story, but you're young, and you'll always have each other as friends, if not as life partners.
hey
wow, it's ashame that a family could be so close minded that they would let their ideas be second best to their son's life.
this is soooo like a real life version of Romeo and Juliet.
I reckn that he loves you but he isn't prepared to fully commit to you that is probaly why he chose his family over you. He probably hasn't put you as second best he just doesnt want to let go of his family. I mean he's gone out with you for over a year but he may be concerned about it not working out with you and him.
Just let him know that you are there for him. Give him a little space with his family and wait and see what happens
@ThinkAchieve@xanga - Wow. Well said, especially with the equally yoked part.
By the way, I'm confused & curious.. you said you've worked through your differences but as ThinkAchieve pointed out, there's a huge difference between the two religions.. so how did you two work through this difference?
@still_standing - Thanks.
Good question. How do you guys work out the differences?
His family has, and always will be there for him. I understand how you're feeling, but he's got such deep ties with them, it would be hard for him to choose someone else over blood.
Of course you're not unreasonable. That is very selfish of them to make him choose. It's not right for you guys to hide your relationship either. He should stand up to them and tell them what he wants and they need to accept it. But, it's easier said than done.
What an intense situation. I hope it works out for you :)
I hate to say this since you so obviously love him, but you really are better of being just friends with him. The dangers to you both, but especially him, are greater than you might imagine and in the end might not be worth it to either of you. I know what I'm talking about from personal experience. Please read my blog about the dangers of intercultural marriage (since I know that's what you really want) at http://weblog.xanga.com/Ampbreia/684772080/the-dangers-of-inter-cultural-marriage8230.html.
Well, the thing is that family should always come first. However, his family is doing the wrong by making him choose sides. For me, if one person was to make me choose sides, I generally would not side with the one forcing me to. But, in his case, I can understand why he chose his family. He's only 20 and he still can be considered a dependent if he is still going through school, paying back loans and such. Although you feel second, he is still placing you first because if he wasn't, he would have already broken up with you.
I just don't like arranged marriages. Freedom of choice FAIL in arranged marriages.
My parents and my husband's parents disapprove of our marriage. But my husband.. let's say, maned up to his family and chose to marry me whether they approve or not. In time, both of our family came to accept us. There wasn't much they could do after that. My husband's family sometimes depend on him financially. My parents (besides the fact that I'm their daughter) gotten used to the idea that we couldn't let one another go and came around.
It's hard for him to choose you over his family because his family has always been there for him and will continue to be there with him physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, and socially. They're like his backbone unless one day he just decides to "man up" to them and take care of you - financially.
On another note, there's the religion difference issue as well. My husband and I both have different religion. He's Shaman and I'm a Christian. Till this day I still wonder what beliefs our children will follow? Or are they going to choose neither? It's different when you're dating and when you're married.
This situation is hard and complicated. Whether which path you or him choose, one or both of you will be hurt. Like my parents once told me, if you can live without him, let him go. But if you can't, just wait and let time tell.
He's Pakistani and you're Indian... but you guys don't live there, do you? If you're in America, or Europe, then you both have the right to be dating whomever you want. Unless you're both minors, which you're not, then parents don't have the right to tell you whom to date.
But they do have the right to kick someone out of their house... it's not necessarily the RIGHT thing to do, but they can... and it does make sense for him to choose his family, because in the end, family is what matters most, but they're being very unfair. How did he manage to stay with you and still live at home? I thought he had to choose?
I'm sure he won't live with his family forever, though, and once he moves out... you guys can get married, or whatever you choose to do. :)
No, I would feel second best as well. A family that won't accept you for who you are is not a family at all in my eyes. He still is rather young though, he can't abandon his house hold completely, but a time will come when if you guys are still going strong, he's going to have to choose regardless. You may find yourself in the same predicaments if your parents don't know as well. Give it time.
As for the whole, it will never work out because you are both of different religion, it is bs. Love conquers all right? Of course, you guys are going to have to make compromises, but there are current relationships out there that are working when the couple have different religious views. You said that you guys talked about it, worked through it. As long as you guys can keep doing that, you're golden, without either one converting.
Family should come first, so this is a tough situation. If it's really that serious that they'll kick him out, just wait until he's able to support himself.
Personally (having been put in almost his position) I would have picked my significant other. If my family cares about me they would understand me living my own life. If not, then they are only blood and not really family.
As for your situation, I suggest either he's with your or he's not. This in between thing is just non-commital. If he can promise that come the day he'll pick you when it's time to get married, ok, keep it secret. If he can't, and won't give that, I suggest ending things now, and moving on.
Its unfortunate, and people can try to talk to his family about it until the cows come home, but in the end they are acting in a way that is supported and encouraged by their culture, so they are not really wrong in feeling like this. You can't plunk someone into a new culture and expect that they will just throw away everything that they know to be right and true of their upbringing. Its not going to happen.
When you marry someone, you marry their family as well, so bear this in mind - do you want to marry into a family that clearly does not wish your presence?
Being single forever is unrealistic as well. You are both young, and you will both eventually meet other people. It wouldn't surprise me if your friend gets spirited back to the motherland for another visit and comes back with a wife this time, or doesn't come back at all. This is what has happened to several people I know personally, who were born into traditional Muslim families but raised in the Western world where cultural values are in direct conflict with what is taught at home.
In one case, a friend of ours was engaged to a Canadian woman when his family called home to the Middle East for a family emergency - a dying grandparent - which turned out to be a lie. When he got there, his ENTIRE family deluged him with threats, coercion, and a heaping crisis-sized dose of down-home culture Saudi style. Whether he believed it in his heart or not, he called his fiancee and dumped her over the phone, and came back to Canada several months later with a very pregnant wife.
Another friend rather pointedly told her father that there was no way she was ever getting married because that would interfere with her dream of becoming a platform stylist and opening her own salon. She was quickly taken home for a three month visit to Pakistan and returned engaged, and very different in personality and carriage. Shortly after that she left our industry, got married, and dropped off the face of the earth. I think her husband took her back to Pakistan
Our multicultural society teaches that all cultures can live together in harmony and be equals, but only if the individuals that make up that society agree to this. We are democratic so this agreement is not forced on anyone, and therefore his family is entitled to hold their own opinion, even though it may feel narrow by our standards.
Start thinking about him as your first love, and start looking ahead to the future. There are some incompatibilities that can not be reconciled. Besides, if the shoe were on the other foot, would turf your family for some guy you met?
I think, as of now, he made the right decision. What if he chose you and, god forbid, you guys broke up? Then he'd have no one in his life. And it's not like he chose them and broke up with you.
When he decides that it's time for you guys to get married and he proposes, and you accept, then he can say he chose you and see how they still react. If they want to cut him out at THAT point, then that would be better than him ending up alone if he chose you and yall broke up.
I'm not saying them making him choose was a good idea...and I'm not saying you have no right to feel second best. But if you were second best, he wouldn't be with you...he'd obey their wishes. He found a way to keep both you and his family in his life, and you can't fault him for that.