This is a guest blog submitted by pickledcracker.I've been seeing my guy for about eight months now. We haven't had the most stable relationship, but I wouldn't say things weren't genuine. We just got off on the wrong foot.
Mr. Right simply just came at the wrong time. This guy is everything I never knew I wanted (insert additional clichés here) and initially seemed to be able to comprehend everything I could or could not say. At the time of our getting together, this was a definite plus, as I was going through so much personal bullshit that having someone understanding around just seemed like fate. I have been "hospitalized" twice these past six months for being emotionally unstable, partially due to a drug problem I was only beginning to overcome when I met him (this is how we got off on the wrong foot; I was out gallivanting on drugs and he was not about to put up with such behavior) and also due to my untreated bipolar II disorder. Once clean, we gave it a second shot, and he stuck by and treated me with respect despite witnessing what would have driven most other men away permanently.
The problem: We now live together.
He got kicked out of his house during my second stay in the 'hospital' - and since I have been out, we have both been living together under my parents' roof. My emotional problems are not only resurfacing, but the close proximity is aiding us in both boredom and fighting. I find him consistently disinterested, unable to talk, and....dun dun dun! suddenly exhibiting shady behavior. (One day, he said he was going to his parents' house. I called him to find that he was in town drinking with friends. Another day I found out he had been talking to his ex behind my back.) The need for space doesn't scare me so much as the need to lie about it. We have never had issues where I have gotten upset over his going out or questioned him about his whereabouts/doings of the evening - that is, until, recently when I discovered the lying bit.
I fear that I have driven this boy far off, but that my mental condition and his living dilemma prevent him from leaving. We act like an old married couple, down to the constant bickering and lack of sex.
I know that my mood disorder makes me sincerely difficult to deal with. I have caused many a boy anguish just trying to figure out how to calm me down, cheer me up or shut me up. And I now see that even Superman here cannot deal with it. I think I'm selfish for allowing myself to drag another down this road with me - I am not stable; I'm still working on myself and putting a lot of this personal weight of mine onto his shoulders. It simply isn't fair that if I am crying and yelling for no reason, he should a) have to deal with it or b) have to feel guilty for not wanting to be around me like this.
I know that this is spiraling towards something catastrophic, and that it is mostly my fault. But, he knew and still does know what he's getting himself into. Part of me wants to break up now before I find out I've driven him to cheating or ruined him for life, and another part of me tells me that if he's unhappy, he can grow the balls to make this choice himself.
I do fear he may be being prevented by my emotional state/our living arrangement. Either way, I know that it is not fair to subject someone to this, and I love him enough to not want to be so selfish as to cause him unhappiness.
Is it wrong to break up with someone you really love just to spare them?
Comments (42)
Eeeee!
Honestly, I think you two need a breather. Don't break up entirely; just take a break. Is there somewhere else you can stay, by yourself, for a few days? You need to think about what to do clearly, without his influence, or anyone else's, for that matter.
believe it or not your story sounds exactly like my ex girlfriend that i dated..i stuck around for her knowing she had personal issues...i tried to confront them with her but she kept pushin me away. I fell in love with her cuz she opened up to me about everything and i also did with her...you cant truely love someone if you dont love yourself in my opinion though she claims to love me...she broke up with me twice and honostly i miss her but she needs to know what she wants before she can even think about gettin back with me..if she ever wants to...ive been nothin but supportive and never mistreated her..guess you can say im one of the few good guys out there...word of advice..dont lie to him...just be straightforward...i truely think my ex broke up with me to spare me the pain..but deep inside i know she loves me...i would have preferred to be there for her cuz i was the only one she trusted...but she needs to confront her own demons alone i guess..wish i could do more...
@xOhFaCeiTx3@xanga - yes, talk!
That seems to be what I want to say to the dozen or so blogs I've seen here since I started following datingish.
No talk = lack of communication = bad for a relationship of any kind (short of an acquaintanceship)
@asianatikk@xanga - I had something kiiiinda like that happen with a friend of mine. I thiiiink she has BPD (borderline -------) tho..... I think. Eventually the people that care get pushed far enough away that the person no longer has to "deal" with them.
but, in any case.. yeah. Talk.
@theacematt2@xanga - idk..i thought bout callin her..but im always the one goin after her...its never the other way around..but when i do she sounds so happy to hear from me..idk if she's just tryin to b nice...but yea its been 2wks aint she hasnt called..i guess its def over this time...we'll see wat lies ahead for us...
@asianatikk@xanga - heh... depends on what you're looking to get out of it. If a relationship, perhaps consider abandoning the calling. If merely helping her through whatever it is she is dealing with, as a friend (if nothing else), consider a call. That's my opinion. Just be careful not to misinterpret anything as her interested in more than a friendship unless it's explicitly stated as such. Made a mistake or two in my case @_@
@theacematt2@xanga - yea i keep hearin the same things from everyone i know lol...imma just lay low for a bit, if she needs anythin imma be there for her...thanx for the advice...1 luv
I think it'll be best for both of you to just end it.
But I think you already knew that.
Good luck =)
I'm bipolar too and my ex couldn't take it anymore =(
However, you should still share with him your thoughts and feelings about what's really bothering you and see where it takes you.
I don't think it's wrong to break up with someone if it benefits them. I mean, I would hate to be the one broken up with, even worse to find out that it was FOR me, my best interests and what not.
But I know that my oldest brother broke up with his long time girlfriend so that she wouldn't miss out on her prime years waiting for him to finish up medical school and find a stable career. I think he was right in that decision.
You probably are making the right decision. If it is meant to me, it'll work out another way in the future.
i totally get what you mean by breaking up for the other's benefit.
Talk to him about it first. If you do break up with him, clarify that you're trying to do what you think is best for him--to care for him too much to see him trapped by you. Ask him if you're doing the wrong thing, and if he still wants to stand by you.
If you really care for him so much, then you'll take that approach. If you're feeling comfort rather than caring, then you need to end it. It sounds like neither one of you is convinced of your happiness.
Is it wrong to break up with someone you really love just to spare them?
Let them make the choice.
I broke up with my boyfriend because he felt trapped, sort of liked another girl, etc etc...but didn't want to break my heart.
In the end though, I cut him loose (after 2 years of being together), he figured things out and we've been back together for a year now and are very happy. However, that might not be exactly the solution to your problem..but I think if you talk to him about it that will help. If he wants to break up then he'll let you break up for him..but if he really wants to be with you, he'll fight it. So, you will find out either way if you try.
If you're sparing anyone with a break-up, it's yourself. You shouldn't be blaming yourself and your medical conditions for this. Seems like Mr. Right isn't so right if he feels the need to lie to you and did something bad enough to sever ties with his family and is now mooching off of YOUR family. Spare yourself first, sweetheart. Ditch him.
That's actually why I've ended previous serious relationships - because when they talk about forever and the future I think about med school and how I will basically not exist in their lives for about 5 years, stuck studying constantly and then working 80 hour weeks and being on call in the hospital every 4th night. That just doesn't seem fair to put anyone through, even if they think they know what they're getting into.
Whoa, I feel extra qualified to share some knowledge on this. I am a 33 yr old male, bi-polar I... reallly bad countless mandatory coo-coo nests type stuff. I met THE girl. I recently had to make the hardest decision in my life which was to break-up with her because I knew that I was in such ways a hindering factor to her growth and healing. We both love each other madly- I am scared to death that something amiss will happen as such things have with a cunning frequency in the past as far as relationships go. I am at a point in my life where all the places i've been- hell, serbia, nyc, manila where-ever- Well all that firewalking has paid off and I am in a position now where truth is only what I can say and have learned without suicide or being murdered many, many aspects of life- in particular the ones that are apropos to all things a-doo suffering. Since a baby I have always had an inate desire to heal people. So- making my way thru a dante's bender made me wise to all sorts of terrible things. Terrible things that now I know how to help heal. Anyways I instigated the break up and my heart is busted wide and I do believe we will be in each others lives till the air in my lungs becomes still and I cease to be on this place. Yes, I have come to find that a lot of the cliche statements people make are something that is a truth statement- but twisted to appease the emotionally underdeveloped adult mind's thin grasp on all thing wisdom related.
But I must say I have found these statements to be true in my life- yes even the hallmark ones:
To my empirically minded thought process, to my total surprise: Argh. everything thus far has happened in such a clear glaring way, for something. I can eye it like kid beams his way to the candy section at the check out.
Every single damn time yet again- every friggin' time things get ugly and then beyond ugly and all the way to "Absurd Hell- WTF, this is real as real is and damn, your ass in smack retrograde in the center of it all- Hell yes this is Hell"...Anyway, for lack of any sensical reason I should not be alive. Suffice it to say I have bullet scars and plenty of slashes and stories of being "technically" dead for 4 or 8 minutes. Should be dead. Not dead. Follow...Survive. Wisdom imparted, thank you but I hate that. Everytime bad comes, when I emerge I gain precious insight and yes it is a vary histrionic way of sayin' "Lemons into Lemonade". But the lemons are actually Pol Pot and the Lemonade is actually truth. Yay.
Another: By deductive logic and this and that if proven to me with 100 consistency that basically it ain't no accident all of this and following that line down to, not dead, consistent theme- bad=growth=healing=wisdom, well reason points to all sorts of previously untouch isms:
Gunna happen, not gunna happen.
If you really desire to know what the hell love is- and you really do make it #1 priority on the ol life list- your going to find it. I say yes, you will.
growing pains is kiddie parlance for the daunting reality it fails to describe: hell death end of the line- if you somehow make it out, nice crazy unexpected things always follow.
Anyway:
Talk to the poor guy. Everyone is hurt in this situation. Never wait around for "some person" to "get balls". That is a friggin' mirrored sentence. Your scared- understandibly. But that is when you know your on to something. Yes, hard is usually right. Easy is Cheese. You: Bipolar and Substance Abuser: Me Bipolar, Addict, history of all women cheating on me since the age of 12- Step up!!! Talk to him- trust and honesty are simply the only things to stick yourself to- oh yeah, it's super hard. But yes, you must be honest with yourself and your own growth- and shoot it around the dude and then come up with a considerate, truthful way to deal with the issue.
I must admit, I do know the answer to this one. It takes one to know one and I know one.
Andor