This is a guest blog submitted by pickledcracker.I've been seeing my guy for about eight months now. We haven't had the most stable relationship, but I wouldn't say things weren't genuine. We just got off on the wrong foot.
Mr. Right simply just came at the wrong time. This guy is everything I never knew I wanted (insert additional clichés here) and initially seemed to be able to comprehend everything I could or could not say. At the time of our getting together, this was a definite plus, as I was going through so much personal bullshit that having someone understanding around just seemed like fate. I have been "hospitalized" twice these past six months for being emotionally unstable, partially due to a drug problem I was only beginning to overcome when I met him (this is how we got off on the wrong foot; I was out gallivanting on drugs and he was not about to put up with such behavior) and also due to my untreated bipolar II disorder. Once clean, we gave it a second shot, and he stuck by and treated me with respect despite witnessing what would have driven most other men away permanently.
The problem: We now live together.
He got kicked out of his house during my second stay in the 'hospital' - and since I have been out, we have both been living together under my parents' roof. My emotional problems are not only resurfacing, but the close proximity is aiding us in both boredom and fighting. I find him consistently disinterested, unable to talk, and....dun dun dun! suddenly exhibiting shady behavior. (One day, he said he was going to his parents' house. I called him to find that he was in town drinking with friends. Another day I found out he had been talking to his ex behind my back.) The need for space doesn't scare me so much as the need to lie about it. We have never had issues where I have gotten upset over his going out or questioned him about his whereabouts/doings of the evening - that is, until, recently when I discovered the lying bit.
I fear that I have driven this boy far off, but that my mental condition and his living dilemma prevent him from leaving. We act like an old married couple, down to the constant bickering and lack of sex.
I know that my mood disorder makes me sincerely difficult to deal with. I have caused many a boy anguish just trying to figure out how to calm me down, cheer me up or shut me up. And I now see that even Superman here cannot deal with it. I think I'm selfish for allowing myself to drag another down this road with me - I am not stable; I'm still working on myself and putting a lot of this personal weight of mine onto his shoulders. It simply isn't fair that if I am crying and yelling for no reason, he should a) have to deal with it or b) have to feel guilty for not wanting to be around me like this.
I know that this is spiraling towards something catastrophic, and that it is mostly my fault. But, he knew and still does know what he's getting himself into. Part of me wants to break up now before I find out I've driven him to cheating or ruined him for life, and another part of me tells me that if he's unhappy, he can grow the balls to make this choice himself.
I do fear he may be being prevented by my emotional state/our living arrangement. Either way, I know that it is not fair to subject someone to this, and I love him enough to not want to be so selfish as to cause him unhappiness.
Is it wrong to break up with someone you really love just to spare them?
Comments (42)
Be sure to first find him a nice place to stay.
i say talk it out with him first. just because he lied, doesn't mean he doesn't love you anymore. maybe he just needed an outlet for a while. i know it's not an excuse but... talk it out. is it rea;;y the best for the both of you? only you two can decide.
I can see where you might want to cut him loose just to spare him from your emotional drama, but maybe you might want to talk to him and see how he feels about it. I know him claiming to be going out to his parents but actually going out drinking with friends is no excuse, but perhaps he needed an outlet and wasn't sure how to tell you? Try talking to him about it so you can decipher what it is you both want and need at this time.
Sometimes it is better for your own good to break up if that is the case, but before you break up with him, make a list of the things that just arent working, the lying, the lack of affection. I mean, you arent supposed to entertain each other every waking moment of the day... does he know you are uncomfortable talking with the ex? Find out why he lied. If your serious about breaking up with him after, make sure you have a couple of places lined up for him within his budget.
If you arent happy because of your emotional issues outside of the relationship, it wont be easy to break up, expecially if he is what you wanted at the wrong time. Just make sure thatif you do break up with him, that its a clean cut and not to leave each other lingering in a painful relationship that becomes more destructive as time goes by.
No, it's not wrong. In fact, it's often a great thing to do especially if you think the person is incapable of doing it themselves. Many people (some would say mainly men) passively aggressively initiate breakup by acting really crappy so that their partner will dump them, because many people simply don't have the courage to break up.
I guess the questions I have are: do you want to stay with him? Do you benefit from him being around? Are you happy with him? I think you gotta figure out what you want and need out of this relationship as well; I don't hear your wants and needs being mentioned at all in this post. Is he helping you through your mood disorder? Do you want him to help you with it? What do you expect from him? You should talk to him about these things.
And please, don't blame yourself. It's not your fault you have emotional problems, and he's not a "saint" to be staying with you while you "act so badly." You are both equals in the relationship. And you didn't cheat on him, or treat him badly with malicious intent or even carelessness. From your post, it sounds like you are getting proper treatment (hopefully, therapy and/or medication) and helping yourself; that's all that matters.
its not wrong at all, sometimes its just right.
after mr.right came at the wrong time.
and theres nothing wrong with that.
Complicated. First, by making the decision to break up for him because you are guessing that's what he wants, you eliminate the possibility that he might be choosing to stay with you and be loyal through the difficulty. I know this is dreamy, but on the off chance that he loves you deeply enough to endure the ups and downs to be with you, you'd be a fool to leave and drive him away. However, you need yo have a talk with him about how he handles it. It sounds like a lack of communication is leading to guessing games that always lead to a loser.
I'm guessing he lied, not because he was out to cheat, but because he didn't want to admit he needed a night away out of a fear that he might hurt your feelings. If that's the case the two of you are taking or considering drastic actions to protect each other from pain. Dating requires enough trust and good faith in the other person to allow them to deal with the tough issues openly and honestly. You both have to be completely comfortable being yourself. Hiding your fears from him, and him hiding them for you isn't helping anyone. Let him know that it's okay if he wants the space (if you're really okay with that) and talk to him about your fears. Could blow up and he might walk away because he can't handle it, but you might finally open up to a place where he can be himself which would make you happier to be with him and make handleing the tough times a little easier. He's either a real catch, or things can't work.
Here's hoping for the best, whatever that is.
It's probably best if you two break up. Either way he has to grow balls -- either to deal with the situation and stop with the lying and continue to stay by you like he said he would knowing everything he was getting into or to get a job and find a place on his own because he shouldn't be living in a place that isn't his friends' or girlfriend.
Talk it out with him first . . . see what's bothering him or what's causing him to lie . . . . . and then go from there. if you still want the relationship, then definitely try to work it out . . if you don't want it anymore, then yeah, just let him go.
You should talk to him first. See where he stands in all of this. If he wants to leave, have a mutual agreement on it. But don't break up with him for his sake. He has a voice and you should hear him out. Sometimes what you (we) think isn't always best for the other person.
And just on the side note, I think you need to take care of yourself emotionally first before getting into a relationship.
I'm with others, talk it out first. I'm with you do. Although, not in the same situation, I did something different. He was moving away, going off to college, and possibly not seeing his friends for a really long time. When we didn't talk for a while because he would be out with his friends, it put a strain in our relationship. So I called a break to let him have his free time with the buddies, just that I didn't expect to hurt him in by doing that. You may not know how it will affect him by just breaking it off, so its better to talk to him first.
I wish I had an answer to this.
If you fail to take care of yourself, you are in no position to even attempt to take care of anyone else.
You have a ton going on there between emotional instability, drug addiction, and a mental disorder. Your focus should be entirely on yourself at present and doing what YOU need to do for YOU.
You haven't said how you are addressing the issue of addiction. From what you have said, it sounds like it is taking a back seat to some degree. As a (long ago) friend of Bill W., I can tell you that nearly every program you engage in will recommend that you do not participate in a relationship for the first year of your recovery. The reason for this is to reduce the amount of stress on you within that first year; to keep things simple. Relationships come with a lot of issues, even with the best.
It really sounds like you need to, at least, temporarily end the relationship and start taking care of yourself, first and foremost. If he really is Mr. Wonderful, he will try to understand and perhaps even wait for a second chance. Since there is so much turmoil internally, perhaps you'll feel differently about the entire relationship (and him) once the bipolar disorder has been addressed.
Slow down. Take a breath. Examine your priorities. Make lists, double check your options, and start making decisions. For you. Not for him.
Good luck, hon. Wishing you the best.
i think you need to take care of yourself first and be happy and stable with yourself before you try dating someone for real. i don't see how it could work out between you two right now because you have to work on yourself!
yeah, i think i would probably tell him that he should find another place to live soon 'cuz it would be healthier for all involved. once you're back to 100% then you can think about dating again, whether it's him or someone else.
I know how you feel. My ex and I had a similar problem. I still wanted to be with him but seeing how unhappy he was with me, I just couldn't accept it so I broke it off. Actually, it was mutual. We've been discussing our problems for a while already but we still couldn't make it work because we are too different.
I think you should have a talk with him and tell him that you have a lot of problems that you still need to work on and ask him if he's able to accept it all. If you both are willing to put in the effort then I think it's worth sticking together to see where it will go from there. But remember that you both have to want to be in the relationship and are willing to work on yourselves as individuals and together as a couple. It's going to be hard but see it as a test to see how strong your relationship is. Communication is key! Best of luck. :]
Meh. I have bipolar as well and it's so hard to have a relationship.
I don't have much advice because I've been in similar situations before and didn't turn out so well.
If you love something, you must let it go..
i feel like i am going through something very similar right now. i broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years bc i basically feel like i'm holding him back from being happy bc i have too much on my plate to give our relationship everything it deserves everything he deserves.... sometimes it's all you can do when you genuinely care about someone and know you're not capable of giving 100%
No, it is not wrong but the question is do you have to do it ? Talk to him about it before your worries before you rush into the breakup discussion.
I think you should break up with him. His living arrangements are not your responsibility.
I can very much relate to the guilt you probably feel for dragging him along with your unstable mental state. I've had similar issues in the past, that I'm finally starting to get a grip on in my own relationship.
However, there's nothing you can do about it now except be a better person- realize when you're being self indulgent and stop it.
So forgive yourself, work on yourself, and let yourself be happy.
I wish you tons of luck. Take care!
You don't sound ready for a relationship at the moment. It should be a partnership - a meeting of equals with each supporting the other. That clearly isn't the case here. You say yourself that you're a work in progress, that you're getting better. You must concentrate on this. Get your mental health issues under control and then perhaps look at coupledom. You must come first for a while and worrying about the effect you're having on your lover is diverting valuable energy from getting yourself well. I do agree that if he is unhappy he should grow a pair and make the break, but perhaps he is worried this will send you into a down spiral. Sit down, speak with him, let him know you would like him to think about moving elsewhere, that you're not really happy with the two of you living in your parents home, that you want time to work on getting well and give him the opportunity to accept a complete break from you or revert to a situation where you 'date' seeing each other once or twice a week.
Good luck with whatever you choose.
X
This takes a lot of courage, and I am glad to hear that you understand his point of view as well. I suggest you sit down and just talk to him about everything that is on your mind, including this post. He needs to know how you feel deep inside, he perhaps cannot read your mind and you need to let him know so he knows what to do or how to handle things better.
first of all kuddos to you for admitting this and for honestly and sincerely considering to "set him free", many in your position wouldn't. seriously. kuddos for that.
as for your situation i agree with the majority of people here, talk to him. let him know where you're at and find out where he's at. alright?
if he's Mr.Right things will work out love. i wish you all the best, however it may turn out :)
heads up. :)
in my perspective, i always feel that people want to break up for the other person's benefit, simply because their love isn't dedicated enough. but your case is particularly unique.
yeh, the majority of guys get turned off by ugly behaviour from women, and maybe he's finding it harder to cope for the long term. Men usually want to 'escape' and vent in all sorts of places, and maybe this is like a big challenge of your relationship. I'd say, if you think everything has gone too far down the bad track, then end it and save everyone the pain. he can always be support for you, and that'd give the chance to try again later on when life has become more stable for you. :)
Honestly, it doesn't sound like YOU are getting that much out of this relationship either. End it.