Monday, 29 December 2008
-
Friends with Benefits: Pros and Cons?
This is a guest blog submitted by songxbird.I was seeing this boy from school for a few months, and I ended up really liking him. He said he really liked me; however, he said he did not want to get into a relationship. I later found out he likes being able to get with other girls and not be committed to anyone.
We are not "together" anymore, but I still do hang out with him, considering he is a good friend of mine. Recently, when we hung out, we talked about our time being "together"; he's taken me out to dinner and movies and let me stay overnight at his dorm, etc.
He asked if I would still want to do that stuff. Of course, I agreed to going out to dinner and whatnot with him, but I said no to the staying over part because we aren't in a relationship. He didn't understand this and actually brought up the friends with benefits option.I would be all for this because I love being with him, but then again, because he does not want commitment, I feel like I would get hurt or develop deeper feelings for him than he would for me.So I'm asking the public, what has your experience being in a friends with benefits relationship been like?
-
recommend
- recs 8
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Related Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: songxbird@xanga
- Name: Empathetic
- About Me: I just want to be skinny.
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 34605 Comments: 0 296 View all posts by songxbird@xanga
Comments (336)
(note: this will prolly most like be biased)
being a friendwithbenefits is not enjoyable.
actually; it hurts like a b!tch.
i dont know. this is just my personal experience:
the guy that i was fwb's with was a really nice kid, and like your dude, he didnt want a relationship b/c he liked getting some w/o having strings attached. and i was fine with that because well, being with him felt good physically, but emotionally as well. eventually however, i ended up really falling for him. and yeah. and so the story goes: that didnt turn out good; he wanted no strings attached.
the end.
Along with everything else people have posted about developing feelings, wanting more, etc., have you considered the fact that a FWB relationship isnt exclusive? That he'll be looking around still?
It sounds like this guy is a douche: he wants everything physical in a relationship without the responsibilities and commitments of an actual relationship.
Guys like that arent worth your time: you'll end getting hurt if you do decide to pursue this relationship, even if he (claims) wants you in an actual relationship. He's a cheater waiting to happen...
My only experience with a friends with benefits wasn't really the same as your situation, it was more my own doing because me and the guy had already dated and he wanted to get back together, but I wasn't sure.
But in your situation, I would say to not do it. Go with your instincts.
I've thought I would want a FWB relationship, but knowing me, I would start to care and then it would get complicated.
Honestly, my boyfriend and I started off as "friends with benefits". We've been together for over 2 years and we also live together. The chances for that to happen are pretty rare though.. especially if you're not his only "friend".
Everything matters on emotions for this one so if you already have feelings for him.. not a good sign. You'll probably end up hurt.
Tough question. In a perfect world, these types of friendships would work without issue. However, in reality, in most cases, one person becomes more attached than the other and sooner or later somebody gets hurt.
I've been in serious relationships before, but find some solace in the concept of friends with benefits or the acclaimed "No Strings Attached." Does it work? Not yet.
It brings you to alternatives, just stay single with friends only interactions, or get serious with someone you don't really want to be serious with. Sounds like an easy choice, but then again, you really like the guy and having him is better than not... even if you really don't. Right?
I have done it once (a LONG time ago)....he didn't want any relationship with me, but it was ok with others. Of course I was emotionally attached and got hurt....I started to talk to him again online about 5 months ago (not anymore) and that is STILL all he wants from me AND IM MARRIED! It's disgusting!
Hey just because you can't get anyone else in your life doesn't mean I'll give you what you want...even if i wasn't married I wouldn't go back to being FWB because i know what will happen in the end...he would get what he wanted and i would end up heart broken AGAIN. FWB is just all around bad esp if you are emotionally attached already...and just because you aren't emotionally attached in the beginning doesn't mean you can't become emotionally attached.....
Just don't do it....
Don't do it. Your right, you will have deeper feelings for him than he will for you. And if you guys became friends with benefits it would show him that you don't need a relationship to be "involved" with a guy. He won't respect you as much in the long run.
i had one friend with benefits that wanted to date me once, and i didnt want to date him, until later whn the time had passed for it. i think guys or girls who do that are deeply afraid of being hurt and have intimacy problems. well i did. I do think firndship is important to keeping a good relationship, but if it doesnt grow then theres no point to it. i think i didnthave great self esteem, since i didnt value myself enought to hold out for arelationship. i told my friend once if you give the milk away for free, then he wont buy the cow. it seems that holding out gives you a better feel for the persona dn how things are going anyways instead of hopping into bed right away. id wait at elast a week. good luck!
It may work, but more often than not, it doesn't.
More to the point, we could pontificate on stats, feelings of nebulous masses of people, etc. but for YOU it will not work because of what you said:
"I would be all for this because I love being with him, but then again, because he does not want commitment, I feel like I would get hurt or develop deeper feelings for him than he would for me."
Honey, YOU ARE NOT A SIDE DISH. So don't treat yourself like one! You only want to be with him because you can't actually be in a relationship with him. I agree with @cmdr_keen@xanga - he sounds like a very selfish person who only wants the physical, and will take it from a person who knows likes him (aka YOU). He'll take advantage of your feelings because he's horny and wants some action, but no emotions. So once you give him the physical, he has no reason to give you anything emotional because he gets what he wants.
Many people, especially guys, are great at separating the physical from the emotional. So while you are having sex with him and feeling so close to him emotionally, he likely doesn't feel that way. Sex and emotions can be mutually exclusive for men, especially if they have sex with you before they become emotionally attached to you.
Show this guy that you respect yourself and will not give away your dignity (and your body) for the off-chance that maybe he might like you. You are a main course and deserve to be treated that way! But if you don't treat yourself like a main course, he has no reason to see you that way...only as a side dish who is satisfied with scraps of his attention.
And one day, when he's ready for a relationship (if and when), he'll remember the girl that respected herself enough to not get embroiled in this mess. He'll remember you for walking away. And you probably at that point will have found another person who treats you like the main course you are :)
The majority of people that embark in a FWB relationship and suffer less (if none) damage are guys.
Remember, I said majority. Some girls do come out undamaged emotionally but in most cases they don't like this one will. I'm not saying you don't have to have attraction in order to have a FWB relationship. Attraction (if not lust) is a must but you started all wrong. You already liked him and want a committed relationship with him yet he doesn't. No matter what you say (or he says) it doesn't look good for you and I think you should stop the FWB thing now if you want to preserve the remaining of your friendship.
Personally though, I think he's a scumbag for suggesting something that will clearly hurt you in the end. Some friend you got there.
i was in a fwb relationship recently, and for me it ended horribly. the guy i was fwb with was my ex's best friend. he didnt want a commitment, but he insisted that he liked me and hed always be there for me. and after about two months of it, my ex found out. he was really mad at first, but got over it quickly. my friend tho, he denied everything. he told me that he was shutting me out of his life forever and never wanted to see/talk to me again. it hurt because we were really good friends before all this, but im still friends with my ex, and he said he would be there for me through all this and was on my side (little to his best friends knowledge). so my advice is to stay away from all that mess. it never ends well if one of you wants a commitment and the other doesnt, so just be careful.
friends with benefits only works if both agree that all it ever is a just THAT the "benefit". if you have already developed feelings then forget about it.
Don't do it.
Have some respect for yourself!
Gosh, being a FWB with someone you actually have feelings for isnt a good idea. You just end up getting hurt in the end because he never really liked you while you were doing things together but you probably felt like you still really liked him. Which makes things worse, because, yes, if you do indeed become FWB's, you'll be happy because you'll be around him and you will do things, which obviously would make you happy. But on the other hand, it will make you sad because you're not even together.
I think it's a win-lose situation, and in the end, it's not really worth it.I guess it depends on how much you really like him.Hope you figure it all out.As women, we tend to develop strong feelings for anybody that we share "benefits" with... whether we want to or not. It's in our chemical make-up to attach ourselves to those that we are physically close to. I would say that if he wants benefits, he's going to have to have the relationship to go with it. Women get hurt too often tricking themselves into believing that they won't get attached to their friend with benefits.
Friends with benefits is bad news. No matter how much you like the guy..
It's a sketchy situation, especially when the other person isn't upfront about just wanting to date other people. I had a similar situation and it just really set me up for failure and hurt in the near future...
Having been in many situations myself where I was usually with a girl strictly for the benefits (and company at times), I would say for the most part if you are the one that likes the person more you will end up getting hurt deeper and more profoundly. I would almost say there is no exception to this rule but I'm not an absolutist, so I will leave room for an "exception".
And on a related note, women who use sex with the hope of having the guy "fall" for him has no real traction from my own experience, as well as in conversations with friends. Not sure how this would work in gay relationships, but going back to my first point usually holds true.
If you really do like this guy, I'd say keep hanging out but don't cave into "staying" over.
FWB is always a bad idea. eventually, someone will have feelings for the other person and having the other person not feeling the same.
you were right about not wanting to do it and i think it is smart. if you were to do it with him, your feelings will develop and you may have stronger feelings for him which you don't want since he doesn't want a real relationship.
I was in a friends with benefits relationship and it was amazing..but i started developing feelings for him and he didn't feel the same way and i ended up getting my heart broken and i lost my best friend.if you never plan on acting on the feelings then go for it but if you think the feelings will be to strong then stop before you get hurt.
its good for the guy usually since the girl gets emotional attached. Unless, of course, you both only want sex and all that other cute stuff.
I dont think you should since youre emotionally gonna get hurt
I would like to post something like this here (from today)
I saw my wife's Good Housekeeping magazine was open to a page, so I
read something there about someone seeking to contact an "old flame."
This person contacted a psychologist who was an expert in this current
internet-generated social-networking phenomena. This psychologist, a
Nancy Kalish, responded by saying to the writer:
"Did
you know that reconnecting with a lost love can be like taking
cocaine?...Fifty percent of the rekindlers I've surveyed report that
they'd had wonderful marriages—before they reconnected. They didn't
expect meeting again to pack such a wallop. Now that looking for old
flames is so easy and trendy, happy marriages are crumbling." When the
writer responded the person she was looking for had a beautiful wife,
this researcher responded, "Doesn't matter...Wrinkles, weight, none of
that matter. Some neuroscience research suggest that early loves are encoded in the brain, the same way cocaine addiction is.
Seeing that person again, talking on the phone, even e-mail triggers
all those visceral memories of being young and in love. Don't call this
man." (page 132 of Vol 247 No 5)
What is my point? Like
I often tell kids who ask what the problem with dating is, Why get
involved with someone you will not marry...someone who will one day be
a stranger, and who you might be embarrassed to see at some future high
school reunion? Apparently we were created to be imprinted to another
person life-long, and this special "bottle" in us that gives us such a
wonderful "high" is reserved for that relationship that I believe God
has arranged and prepared for us (...what God has joined together... Mark 10:8-9...)
Now
I would ask, Why get involved with someone who would remain as a drug
in your life to potentially disrupt a happy marriage? Why does our society
encourage the setting of such booby traps in the lives of its young
people? My point is simple: Why not be serious about who your "one and
only" shall be, rather than tossing away the potential for a strong,
fulfilling, and pure relationship that will last "as long as we both
shall live"?
Romance is one thing, but the current culture of casual teen dating is another. Dating should at least carry a warning sticker:
"Caution:
Inadvertent Love or Intense Relationships before Marriage Can Cause
Life-long Gnawing and Second-Guessing that May Degrade Relationship
with Chosen Spouse."
Again, it all boils down to faith. Do we believe we have a God who cares for us and prepares for us?
Those who really believe this live their lives accordingly, and discover something the nonbeliever can never know.
From my experiences with FWB it's perfectly fine until someone started having feelings for the other person (and this will happen no matter how hard you try to ignore this feeling). Then it goes from fine to really complicated.
Never been in one because it compromises everything that I believe in. It also makes my value less, both to the guy and to myself. The guy could not care less. Its not friends with benefits, its that he is using you and you are a willing participant.