Monday, 29 December 2008
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Friends with Benefits: Pros and Cons?
This is a guest blog submitted by songxbird.I was seeing this boy from school for a few months, and I ended up really liking him. He said he really liked me; however, he said he did not want to get into a relationship. I later found out he likes being able to get with other girls and not be committed to anyone.
We are not "together" anymore, but I still do hang out with him, considering he is a good friend of mine. Recently, when we hung out, we talked about our time being "together"; he's taken me out to dinner and movies and let me stay overnight at his dorm, etc.
He asked if I would still want to do that stuff. Of course, I agreed to going out to dinner and whatnot with him, but I said no to the staying over part because we aren't in a relationship. He didn't understand this and actually brought up the friends with benefits option.I would be all for this because I love being with him, but then again, because he does not want commitment, I feel like I would get hurt or develop deeper feelings for him than he would for me.So I'm asking the public, what has your experience being in a friends with benefits relationship been like?
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About the Author
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- From: songxbird@xanga
- Name: Empathetic
- About Me: I just want to be skinny.
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Comments (336)
Unless it's a mutual "friends with benefits" relationship, then I wouldn't suggest it. If both of you guys are ok with a "relationship" that is purely based on the physical aspect, then everything's fine and everyone's happy. But obviously, you want more than just that; it seems like you want an actual commitment from him. You're only going to end up getting hurt in the end, because he doesn't want the same things you do.Â
If he says he only wants sex, believe him. If you want more than that, don't get involved.
Have fun with it, and let it help you grow up. Casual sexual relationships are a large part of growing up and becoming an adult, and attempting to stifle such urges leads to trouble. I take it from your post that you are still quite young. Enjoy your twenties, sleep with people, figure out what you like and who you are, and how to deal with heartbreak.
Maybe you will get hurt by this guy, maybe you won't. Either way, it's an experience you need to have to help you mature to the next level in life.
My experience with friends with benefits ended up in disaster. One of my ex's and I were together for about 16 months, the break up was really hard but we both agreed that we both needed some sort of connection so we decided to do the friends with benefits thing. Sure it seemed like a good idea at first but then my feelings towards him came back. We both made an agreement that if you wanted someone else then it was over completely. After a few months he slept with someone else (I didn't know this until last month) he was lying and avoiding me unless he wanted sex. I started to fall for him. Then when he wouldn't take me back I ended up trying to kill myself. It was too much to handle.
It may seem like a good idea at first but from my experience it wasn't worth the effort.
Good luck
Being friends with benefits sucks. I would know. Just keep it strictly friendly or tell him he needs to man up. My FWB experience lasted WAY too long, and I totally regret every second of it, and if I could take it back I totally would.
Listen, just be true to yourself, and make sure your heart is ready for anything.
peace,
Megan
If you attach emotions to everything, don't have friends with benefits relations. If you have religious values / family morals too ingrained into you to remove, don't have them.
We don't need any more women in this world that are whiny and bleary-eyed over this crap. It's that harsh and simple.
Don't do it.
If he's planning to do this FWB with multiple people, I wouldn't.
I did this with my ex-bf and it lasted 4 years total. I was completely fine with it because I understood the truth which was: I'm not the girl he wants to marry, and even though he cares about me, he's not in love with me. We had an actual friendship. We talked on the phone everyday for 6+ hours and then he'd drive up on the weekends. We were friends FIRST which meant that we went out friends, went to starbucks together to study (cram for exams), played pool, sat around watching tv together, went running, played tennis, and sometimes had both lunch and dinner together (chinese take out/pizza stuff like that) and he paid. He definitely put work into our friendship. And we only had sex, if I wanted to. He never asked or expected it. After the sex, he would hold me, not just get dressed and leave. (Sometimes we'd fall asleep holding each other.) We'd still hang out afterwards; watch tv do our work. Oh, and he always bought condoms (late at night of course!). None of this "too chicken shit to stand in line and pay for condoms" business.Neither of us were having sex with anyone else.
I know this sounds like a relationship, but there was none of that mushy stuff. No "I love you" after phone calls or sex, we didn't spend Valentine's or Christmas together, nor did we do things with each other's family. I went shopping with him, helped him pick out clothes that would impress the ladies, and gave him girl advice. Obviously, we had a friendship that extended beyond the bedroom.
So you need to think about it and answer honestly...does he want FWB or just benefits?
I once tried to have a friends with benefits relationship. I tried to not allow myself to get emotionally attached and it worked well until we had a talk and I told him I didn't know what I was allowed to consider him. He said I can see him as a boyfriend, but just between the two of us. So it became a secret relationship. I liked him a lot but there was no way we could really be boyfriend/girlfriend while hiding it from all our friends.
Just remember, especially because you are willing to have an exclusive relationship with him, you will develop feelings and attachment..
Just don't let him make a fool out of you!
It almost without doubt ends in tears, usual on the woman's part. Perhaps I am too cynical but men that don't want commitment tend to be less adverse to hurting you so be careful. Personally I would end the relationship completely and just be friends. I suppose you could liken the situation as being similar to remaining friends with an ex-boyfriend. I am best friends with my ex but that is partly because I still love him. We get along really well but I know never to overstep the mark. He truly loves his girlfriend and I was just a girl in between and I get that. He values my friendship far more than if we were sleeping together. The supposed "benifits" unfortunately come with alot of cons. =/
Maisy xxx
Im currently in a similar situation. The difference being that I live with my FWB.Weve been "together" for about 2 years with a small 5 month or so break that ended a month ago because he had "found someone else". We act like a couple and enjoy the benfits of a relationship without the commitment or the arguements. In my experience, having a relationship like that is better. Maybe its because I also enjoy my freedom and I dont like having to answer to a man. And my roommate and I do love each other. There is, of course, after being like this for so long, a bit of jealousy sometimes. But in a situation like that you just kind of have to ask yourself if you can deal with the jealousy and the wondering "Is he with another girl when Im not with him?" "Is he sleeping with her?" and most especially, if you do decide to become a friend with benefits, BE SAFE!!!! This is the most important things. And if you know for sure he is sleeping with someone else, dont allow any of this "I dont like condoms" thing. Be safe or dont sleep with him. As long as you are safe and feel comfortable with keeping any jealousy to a minimum, Im all for friends with benefits. But that is a personal choise which you will have to make knowing that its what YOU want.