Monday, 29 December 2008
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Friends with Benefits: Pros and Cons?
This is a guest blog submitted by songxbird.I was seeing this boy from school for a few months, and I ended up really liking him. He said he really liked me; however, he said he did not want to get into a relationship. I later found out he likes being able to get with other girls and not be committed to anyone.
We are not "together" anymore, but I still do hang out with him, considering he is a good friend of mine. Recently, when we hung out, we talked about our time being "together"; he's taken me out to dinner and movies and let me stay overnight at his dorm, etc.
He asked if I would still want to do that stuff. Of course, I agreed to going out to dinner and whatnot with him, but I said no to the staying over part because we aren't in a relationship. He didn't understand this and actually brought up the friends with benefits option.I would be all for this because I love being with him, but then again, because he does not want commitment, I feel like I would get hurt or develop deeper feelings for him than he would for me.So I'm asking the public, what has your experience being in a friends with benefits relationship been like?
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About the Author
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- From: songxbird@xanga
- Name: Alyssa
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Comments (338)
You are absolutely right. If you like him now, you will definitely develop deeper feelings for him as you continue to be with him. He, however, will not have the same feelings for you because he likes to play around and be with other girls. Stay away from a FWB relationship! It's just bad news.
Friends with benefits is quite risky, in my opinion. You're right about the developing deeper sentiments that can trick your own mind into believing something that isn't true. That hurts, and I know because it's happened to me and to some of my friends as well.
Personally, I don't think friends with benefits is worth it. If the two of you were pretty much just friends who were testing things out, it would be a little more justified in my opinion, but when one of the two is in deeper than they thought, that's when things can get messy and chaotic.
Not only that, but things can get kind of awkward too.
I agree with your going out with him in the sense that you're going to see movies and having dinner, but if you were to let him make out with you and have those 'benefits', it's pretty much a relationship without the title and without the 'commitments' of being in it.
Continue doing what you're doing. If it's meant to work out, he'll come around sooner or later. If it's not, you'll definitely find someone else!
Good Luck and Best Wishes.
-chewyy.
You already like the dude? I'd suggest not doing it. You'll develop feelings for him even more. Honestly? I'd say there are a lot more cons in your part, being a girl, you can consider how much things you'll have to hear if people find out, right? If there are any pros to this? I guess it'd be, you'll get what you need out of it; whether that may be physicial pleasure or emotional connection (for a brief moment of course). I'd say, don't bother with someone who isn't ready to settle down. Chances are you'll be mortified by it and regret later. My opinion on that.
friends with benefits r a good thing if all u want is ht physical stuff( sex, kissing, touching)
if ur looking for everything else, with emotion, ( movies, picnics, talks....ect) dont do it
hes told u himself he isnt ready for commitment.....ull end up getting hurt....and might regret it...try to explain to him tht when it comes to u...he means more and if he isnt ready to commit...then there is no point in doing wht u do
good luck....its a hard decision....whatever u decide to do
I've had a couple bad experiences with the FWB situation.
Usually the other person has developed stronger feelings for me.. I obviously didn't feel the same way, which led to them getting hurt.
It hurt a couple friendships of mine.
If you genuinely like him, you should tell him that you're only looking for a committed relationship- friends with benefits, in my opinion, is rather pointless as it can get messy very quickly.
Since you seem to want more than what he wants to give you, you should probably tell him what it is YOU want and maybe you can work it out from there; if not, you may want to find someone who will be committed, to save yourself the potential heartbreak.
Though, I guess this isn't a great viewpoint for advice. I've never had a friend with benefits, but it doesn't sound like a good idea so I don't plan to, either.
i've never done it but i knew people who did and it looks like it only works if both parties are truly not interested in each other other than for the convenience of it all. stay away!!!!
You seem to genuinely like this guy, therefore friends with benefits should not even be an option because you will get hurt. FWB should only happen between two people who do not want a commitment. If one person does, then it is quite unfair to him/her. Do not go out with him and just remain friends. If he wants more, then he should be ready to commit.
You might have to just leave it to chance..
I mean if you like him, then staying friends is good.
The way i see it is you have two choices:
1. Stay friends and try to either make him fall for you(but i think he probably likes you he just is scared that you'll hurt him!) but also you can just stay friends if that's ALL you want.
OR
2. You can tell him you need space and you don't think you can be so close for a while. I mean if you don't have feelings for him and he's a pain because he wants action then why stay?
It all really evolves around how you feel about him.If you like him keep trying. If you just want to be friends.. let him know that you don't want any lets say "affections" to happen.
I'm in the situation.. and he's falling for me because i tried harder and now three months later we are going on a official date.
Its all about how YOU feel then find out how HE feels.
:)
Actually I hold a different opinion than probably most of the posters.
Storytime:I had a FWB relationship with one of my friends. He wasn't a close friend but I had a crush on him before the relationship. It worked out pretty well because we would hang out and then kinda do...things.....He moved at the end of the school year so it kinda ended then.
Things to remember when embarking on such a relationship:You are not in an exclusive relationship, so feel free to look at other boys and let him look at other girls.Jealousy will rear its ugly head but when it does try to remember that he isn't committed to you. You are together for fun, for something to do. Relationships take more work than FWB relationships just on principle.
It takes a really strong [[mentally strong]] person to be in a FWB and not come out damaged. Or a short FWB relationship can also work if you really like the friend but it will end when you decide that the emotional strain is too much.
Good luck.
I've been able to do it, because it takes me a long time to form emotional attachments to people, and i don't become interested in someone long term if i know they're not interested in me the same way. basically, i can put my brain in friends with benefits mode and it's nbd. but if you already like him, i wouldn't. if there's already emotional attachment all it will do is make everything worse.
it never truly worked for me because while i started out with no feelings except for attraction to him, i ended up liking the guy. inevitably i wanted something more than what he was willing to give. he was even honest about not wanting a relationship with me, but treated me like a girlfriend in every respect.
it's far too risky, in my opinion. the physical stuff was great, but i was always craving a little more, you know?
yea it never ever truly works out bc 1 of the 2 people in this "relationship" end up falling and wanting more and wanting to do it more often.
I don't know what it's like for other people. But I had a girl proposition me for an FWB relationship. The biggest problem I had with this was not whether or not she'd catch feelings, but trying not to care about who ELSE she'd been with. Freaked me the hell out. But that's just my STD paranoia taking over.
FWB is something you don't do if there is emotions involved. I personally was in it with someone and I got emotionally attached and I remember crying for a while and I was hurt for a while. If you like him remember that it isn't something where it's exclusive, he could be messing around with other people as well. That could possibly hurt you more and it also give you a higher risk of catching an STD. I wouldnot reccomend it, unless you think/know it could develope into something more (which usually isn't the case).
Uh,we went out for a long time. then we broke up, a month later we were benifriends after like 4 months we stopped being friends with benfits because he started liking my best friend.
soooo. now him and me dont talk maybe a couple of times a month and thats because we had a class together. my best friend and i well we dont speak at all.
If you have feelings for him anything at all over just bring friends it's a horrible idea. Sex brings people closer together, you'll just up end being hurt if he's not looking for a relationship. Friends is better.
A FWB relationship only works when both people don't involve their feelings. It works best if both of you know things are just physical, not emotional.
I've had quite a few FWB relationships and it was just that. I only made a mistake once (it was actually my last FWB relationship) where I ended up liking him. Big mistake. Allowing emotions means getting hurt.
Friends with benefits only works if both parties have no interest in being together. You cannot engage in friends-with-benefits as a hopeful precursor to a relationship. He WILL fuck other girls. He will NOT call you, cuddle you, or be the dedicated man that you deserve. If he were really into you then you'd be dating him. Tell him no or prepare to get your heart broken.
It doesn't sound like it's for you. Friends with benefits is a no strings attached situation. It's a type of relationship where both people want to be essentially free, but want to hook up. That means you can't like the person and want more. While FWB can be a fulfilling and interesting experience, it's not good if you think you'll get attached!
this post caught my eye because i have been in a situation like this for the past two months.
Honestly, if he really doesnt want a relationship, be careful. Because when i got into my "friends with benefits" thing, it was me insisting i didnt want a boyfriend. I had just come out of a long relationship and had a fling after that, who i still sort of had feelings for. This guy i had known for six months intrigued me and i found him so attractive, i vowed that i could just have a one time thing, and then get on with my life. But I did develop feelings for him, and they got stronger until i cracked and asked him where i stood. After two and a half weeks of "we will get together at some point", we had a spontaneous serious chat ( i should mention this was after i slept over at his house). Waking up with him really confirmed my feelings, and apparantly his, because the next day we decided to start dating. That was two weeks ago.
If i had to go back and do it differently, maybe i would, just to try and protect my feelings. I also wouldnt give too much away at the start - i told him i didnt want commitment or a boyfriend, so maybe i dug my own grave in a way. Luckily it has turned out ok.
Don't do it! Like everybody's said "friends with benefits," only works if you're looking for a physical relationship, but let's be honest, we're not merely physical beings. FWB is such a lie. Friends care about one another and are not merely looking for selfish gratification. Read Brave New World. It's scary stuff when you deny your human dignity for physical pleasure.
"'Talking
about her as though she were a bit of meat.' Bernard ground his teeth.
'Have her here, have her there.' Like mutton. Degrading her to so much
mutton." -Aldous Huxley
Well from my personal experience, it didn't go over well. I'm no longer friends with this guy I had a fwb with for about a year. The reason being, I fell hard, and he did not. It's just a way for one partner - or both, if they're comfortable with that - to be able to do stuff with one person, and if they do something with someone else the following night, they do not have to feel guilty or tell their fwb partner.
I fell in love. It hurt alot when that love wasn't returned. Now, I'm spending time with someone who wants the same thing from me - but a relationship too, and it's much more satisfying..and hopefully the ending won't be as horrible as the fwb was.
Then again, I asked for advice when I was going to get into my fwb, and I was too curious and didn't listen when people said what I said above..so all I can really say is good luck, and make sure you do what you really want. Put yourself first, not him.
Friends with benefits never helps me. It just makes me feel awkward, and makes my friendship with the guy weird. I don't think you should go any further with him, and just let it be. :/
I've never done it.. nor would I want to do it. If you like this guy & know he doesn't want a relationship, now why would you put yourself through this & get hurt? Just walk away now before you get deeper into this & get hurt more than you are now.
Though ultimately, the decision is up to you.. If I were you, I'd stick to my beliefs & morals & not compromise. Good luck~