Monday, 29 December 2008
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I Can't Keep Relationships For More Than Three Months
This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.Since my first relationship - which worked out okay 'cause it only lasted a little more than a month - I've realized that my relationships can never pass the three month mark.
I have no problems attracting men at all. In fact, I make the first move all the time - ask them out; go out with them; have a wonderful time; spend a lot of time with them on the phone and on the internet; practically spend a whole lot of time with them. Then after about three months, it all falls apart.
Usually, it's because I get insecure and ask where it is going; they find it's too fast or too close and they all draw away. Then I feel insecure and overcompensate and it drives an even bigger wedge between us; honestly, none of them could get past 3 months.
I've realized some of the things I do probably aren't helping:
- I am a needy person - I need a lot of time, SMSes, calls (which I initiate)
- In the beginning, it's fine, then after a while, I guess no one can take such neediness
- I am also someone who needs to spend a lot of time with that person
- In the beginning, that isn't a problem, but I can't take a lot of silence and I can't take it being alone
- I don't like them if I'm not the one who initiates things. That's my problem, and I don't give up on the men I like easily.
- My ex-BF (we lasted four years) told me that I will definitely go back to him 'cause of my character, which not many men can tolerate
- I always end up finding out about the other women in the lives of the guys I've been dating
- I'm never the only one in his life
- I tend to feel insecure about myself, wondering why he is with me
- I always want to settle down, be married and live happily ever after.
The way things usually end...
- Most men leave
- Most men can't tolerate me for who I am
- They realize that although I am nice, they just can't stand it
- They can't be where I am at the moment
- They end up not even being able to be my friend because of the experience they had
Now my questions are...
1. What do you think is wrong with me?
2. Why is it that I can attract them at the beginning but not to the end?
3. How can I improve myself after so many years of unsuccessful dating?
4. How do I keep my insecurities within me and avoid showing them to the people I date?Thank you all for your responses.
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Comments (35)
Are you willing to change to become more successful at relationships? Or are you hoping that someone will fall in love with you for who you are...
Maybe you should try to be more independent.
If you're always willing to be with someone, they'll take you for granted.
Plus, you get annoyed of people if you're with them all the time.
Try being more confident too.
Did by chance YOU pick all the men? Try to wait before you really found what you wanted. A friend of mine made the mistake of having a lare amount of boyfriends. All of which tried to have something true, but she moved to the next one and discrded the rest, before something really tried to spark. She never actually gave it time to really pick the one she is likely to have.
So, I'd advise you to either stick it out, if the breakup is YOUR fault, or just wait for what you would really want.
maybe it's a deeper rooted problem.
i used to be the same way, until i realized that my serial dating and my needy behaviors had nothing to do with wanting a boyfriend at all- it was more personnal.
until you're okay with being independent and on your own, you will probably continue to have a bad dating record, if you will.
OR if you're a sagittarius, this is normal. these people tend to move quickly through most relationships because they get bored easily. i don't know if that applies to you or not.
1. What do you think is wrong with me?
Nothing other than the fact that you keep wondering what is wrong with you. The only problem with you is that you're so insecure. People like confidence and warmth. They want to feel good around you. If you're always worried and insecure, you'll show that, and it'll make them uncomfortable.
2. Why is it that I can attract them at the beginning but not to the end?
At the beginning they are excited to spend time with you, because you are excited about it. You're not worrying about him leaving, or wondering why he's there, or feeling insecure about wanting his time. You're giving yourself fully, and so they're happy to be in the moment with you.
3. How can I improve myself after so many years of unsuccessful dating?
Lighten up on yourself. Don't stress so much about them not wanting to be there, or about other insecurities. Enjoy the relationships. Also if you seem to think you're calling too much, then hold off a bit. Call once a day, and limit it to that. If you're worried, ask him how much he enjoys phone time and text messages. Don't ask him directly, does it bother you if I call, just tell him, well I love the phone, how do you like talking on the phone. If he tells you he's not that into it, ask him what his favorite way to communicate is. Take his ques and it'll work better.
4. How do I keep my insecurities within me and avoid showing them to the people I date?
Don't, just stop stressing. Live in the moment, don't worry about what might happen, or whether he'll be interested tomorrow, just enjoy the now. If you're always thinking about the bad, you'll miss out on all the good. Try to not let it get to you, not hiding it from others.
You also might want to consider looking for a guy who will understand if you're demanding. You want a guy who expects a lot out of you and expects you to expect a lot out of him. You also have to not be afraid to give as much as you take!
Good luck!
I think you already know what the problem is--that you're insecure and this causes you to be needy. I was like this with my last boyfriend too--he's the popular type who has tons of female friends, and I'm just "normal". What I learned from the months of singleness after our break up was how to be independent. Also, I think the person who's investing more emotion into a relationship tends to be the clingy one, which is what my current relationship's like; my bf wishes I'd be a little more needy.
How long do you usually spend single between relationships? I believe those are good times to develop yourself and your strengths, so perhaps you could stay single longer. Additionally, tell yourself that those guys are dating you for a reason...they're obviously attracted to you, so there must be something great about you, right? Keep working at it, or find a guy who's equally needy. They do exist.I hope you're open to making a few adjustments... I think the most crucial adjustment you need is to learn to be independent & less needy. It sounds as if you are a serial dater so you might want to try being single for a period of time. The time spent single will help you develop a better idea of what you're looking for in your future boyfriend/spouse.
Personally, I don't get into a relationship unless I feel that there's the potential for it to result in marriage.. but I understand that's not for everyone.
It's okay to be needy towards the one you love...
But in the very beginning of a relationship, it's wise to keep a distance. He isn't in love with you so why must you keep a short leash on him. The reason why most guys run away is because they feel smothered by you. They like to feel wanted, but at the same time having a sense of freedom to come and go as they please.
Men are like little kids.. if you keep them too close to you, they will find a way to rebel (leaving you).
So call him, but not 10 times a day..give him a chance to miss you and tell him to call you instead. You don't have to initiate everything. You're taking away all the fun that way. Let him chase you a little..let him know he has to work for it. This way he will stick around longer.
I don't think you are a serial dater. If that was true, you would be the one breaking up with these guys. You are looking for something long term..but I do believe since you still have a lot of insecurity issues, you cling on to these guys to reassure yourself that you're worth someone's time and you're important in someone's eyes. Spend some time alone if you must to get to know yourself and realize that you are in deed important and worthwhile without being with someone to confirm it.
To convince others that you're something they have to work for.. you gotta convince yourself of it first.
Sounds like everyone has said the magic words already--you have to be happy alone, before you can be happy with someone else. And it's true. Your insecurities probably have nothing to do with the guys you date, and everything to do with you. Now don't get me wrong, everyone has worries about their relationships. But you have to decide whether or not you are going to let those things rule you. It sounds like you have a pretty good grasp on the things that you are doing wrong. So if that's the case, try to work on changing those things. Most girls who have insecurity problems just plain think too much. I used to date a girl like that, and it lasted about four months, both times we dated. But every time it came back to the same thing. She got insecure, would freak out and need to have a talk every night and I would have to assure her that everything was fine. It ended up ruining the relationship. If you want to change your dating habits, then you WILL have be alone for awhile. I'd say 6 months or more. You attract guys at the beginning because that's when you are being yourself, and they like that. Keep doing that. Don't ever think that there is something wrong with you. You are perfectly normal. It's your dating habits that need work.
Three months of dating (I think) is still too soon to ask the men "where this relationship is going" and being insecure about it even makes it into a bigger problem. In those three months time, you both are still getting to know one another and that's the fun of it. There's still those new and fresh love in the air between you two. You both are still discovering the relationship together and see where it will go. Maybe after you dated for three years, you can start asking them where this relationship is going.
I'm sorry to say but a "needing" and "insecure" person turns me off. I have a life too and I can't spend every minute with you or talking to you on the phone. Instead of waiting around or wanting to spend every second with that person, find some hobbies to keep you busy. Go out with your friends and discover things about you that you never knew.
You shouldn't worry why he's with you. He CHOSE to be with you for a reason. If a guy don't like you, he wouldn't even be with you in the first place. Don't always initiate things to do with them - let them initiate some things to do with you as well. Maybe that way, you will feel special and feel like you're not always doing all the work for them.
All I have to say now is, just enjoy the moment. Take a deep breath and relax. See where everything goes step by step.
1. What do you think is wrong with me?
Your insecurity is getting the way.
2. Why is it that I can attract them at the beginning but not to the end?Relationships, after a while, you're suppose to ease into them and go with the flow. That part is missing because of your insecurities.
3. How can I improve myself after so many years of unsuccessful dating?Work on your insecurity. What makes you so afraid that you can't relax and stop stressing? You gotta realize what it is and sort of embrace it.4. How do I keep my insecurities within me and avoid showing them to the people I date?You are going to have to get over them first and gain confidence. You already have the confidence to ask them out but I'm afraid that may be triggered from something, possibly by your fear. You gotta collect yourself at first, now how to take things step by step, go with the flow, and relax. Then, you can possibly find someone.
Like everybody else said, be independent, try not to be insecure, and be happy.
Lucks ~
I have the same exact problem, except I can't keep mine for more than a month instead of three. I'm not sure what it is either, and it's not like I was the one who told them I loved them or anything.
I too have well, not much trouble finding them, but apparently I have a lot of trouble keeping them around. They always say that they have a fun time with me and enjoy my company, but then all of a sudden, for some reason, they're out of my life and I have to start all over again.
Sigh...
Now my questions are...
1. What do you think is wrong with me? - You already answered your own question. You just don't seem to know, you need to let most of them go. Also, I honestly think that you making all the moves first is a problem, too. Men may feel like your not giving them enough space to live a little.
2. Why is it that I can attract them at the beginning but not to the end? - Who really knows? You did say you ask them out first, that isn't really attracting someone, in my opinion.
3. How can I improve myself after so many years of unsuccessful dating? - Let it go, when the time is right you'll be settling down. Plus, you can't think of "happily ever after" because it really won't work out if you don't argue/fight. You can't really say you are the best or uber nice person in this world, like wise for the other person. You need to be able to deal with the "falling apart" and just let them be when they can't answer the big "marriage" question.
4. How do I keep my insecurities within me and avoid showing them to the people I date? - Its ok to show you're insecure sometimes but doing too much of it sucks. Just watch and react to when people step back. That's when you should take a step back and give them space to think.
you already answered most of your questions and list what is wrong with you.
1. What do you think is wrong with me?
You answered this yourself - you're needy and insecure. Work on developing more hobbies and a personal identity that doesn't revolve around the guys you're seeing.
2. Why is it that I can attract them at the beginning but not to the end?
Everything is fresh and new at the beginning. The more they get to know your insecure and needy side, the less they want to be with you. Start by taking it more slow in the beginning - it's no fun for the other person to see you ALL THE TIME. It's one way to lose spark really quickly. Think of building a slow-burning fire, not an explosion.
3. How can I improve myself after so many years of unsuccessful dating?
Work on yourself - hobbies, confidence, etc. Try being single for a while. Talk to your friends honestly about your dating patterns, and see if they have any input. Talk to them about their relationships and what makes them successful. Don't focus on how many years you've been unsuccessful - look at those years as a lesson. And then look forward into the future.
4. How do I keep my insecurities within me and avoid showing them to the people I date?
That's what your friends are for - friends that you really trust. As you get to know the guy more, when you feel comfortable you can reveal your insecurities to him. But hopefully you'll have worked on them.
Oh and you have terrific insight into the things that you are doing that aren't helping - in fact, those things are hurting. Work on them. Good luck. Remember, you recognize it, which is HUGE - a lot of people don't. Congrats on that. And take it easy - we're all human, and learning how to date all the time :)
You already understand your problems. Time to fix them. It is true that you need to love yourself FIRST. Don't worry about the past, focus on now. Actively find things you can do by yourself and be happy about who you are. Tell yourself you are great and find things you love about yourself. Learn to love yourself before you embark on another relationship. Men like women who can be independent and can survive without them. It makes men nervous when you rely on them for attention. Don't put yourself in that scenario. Don't voice out your insecurities to them. Focus on what is great about you and why you are great for any man. Best of luck
Love yourself
@Atomic_emmcee@xanga - Yeah, exactly.
Basically, GET A LIFE instead of trying to leach off some one else's.
stay single for a while and try and figure out your dependency. it seems like that's the problem to me. you don't NEED to have a guy along side you to be happy.
o.O
so im not the only one.
i have the same problem to an extent.
i havent been able to pass the 3month benchmark with boyfriends either.
and like you, attracting them is no problem whatsoever.
the problem is keeping them. haha.
ahh; i dont know whats wrong with me either.
personally, i think that somewhere deep inside its a commitment issue. OR its possible maybe the guy wasnt good enough to keep for 3months. (i think i like the second reason better. lmao.)
eh; i dont know. im on the same boat as you.
@john@xanga - in agreement with john on this one.
Simple. Stop being so needy.
And let them ask YOU out once in a while.
It's not your fault. You'll find someone when the time is right. At least you're being upfront about stuff and not lying to any of the guys. The right guy will accept you for who you are. Good luck. :]
are you willing to change your habits?