Dr. DatingishMy boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. Since day one, I have felt a different connection than I have ever felt with anyone. I have never loved someone so much or been so sure about wanting to be with him.
My most recent ex cheated on me and really messed me up in the love department. It has been hard to fully trust a guy, and now I'm even more scared.
Two days before Christmas, my boyfriend and I got in a fight - we were fighting about stupid stuff that drives us crazy. My mom tells me all the time that there will always be little things that will drive you crazy, but it's just who the other person is, so you learn to accept it. Well, my boyfriend seemed to just hate everything about me. He was telling me how he hated that I would come to him when I didn't feel good or when I was just having a bad day. He told me I don't deal with stress well and all this other stuff. I told him I would change. I would deal with stress better and try and cut down on complaining when I'm sick or in pain.
Christmas Eve, we talked on the phone because I had finally just felt my heart break completely. We were falling apart. He was getting angry every time I even opened my mouth. I brought it up and he just blew up. We basically broke up and it was the worst ever. I cried while we were on the phone and finally after two hours he told me why he broke up with me.
It had nothing to do with me. I was the perfect girlfriend; I'd heard that before. He told me it was because I was not willing to move away from my family.
We're only 20. Yes, I want to get married, but not for (at least!) another four years. But that was his whole reason. I wouldn't move away. I told him I would move away, just no more than five hours. I love my family; it would be hard, but I could move.
Now his mother, who already hated me, now hates me even more. I never gave her any reason to hate me. I've helped clean her house, gone to the house and had dinner with the family when my boyfriend wasn't even there. It's ridiculous. She treats him like crap and because she is never happy, she just hates everyone. I don't know how to deal with it anymore.
I feel like she is the reason my boyfriend is having such a hard time being committed. He tells me every day that he loves me. He wants to be with me. We're going away for a weekend for our anniversary and I know it will be amazing. But I'm sure his mother will try and break us up.
How do I gain acceptance? How do I keep in the relationship? This isn't fair that I show the woman everything I have. I have never had a problem with a mother/family hating me. Normally when their son and I break up, they say how much they will miss me and hope that I keep in touch.
I've just run out of things to do. I'm scared he's going to keep everything in. He'll go to his mom. Tell her everything. Tell her to accept me. And then it's just a big ball of drama. Help!
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Comments (38)
You're dating him not his mom! Just remember that and remind him that. Sure you have to try to be courteous, but if you're doing everything you can, then ask him to not discuss your relationship with her. After all, your private matter should be just that. They shoul be just between you and him.
Also, you two might want to consider moving away from your families. Even if you don't move in together, move to apartments near each other with roommates. Getting away from your families might help you two bond and become closer.
Before you do anything though, you two need to sit down and without accussations discuss what you want out of the relationhship and out of each other. Make sure you're both calm and collected, and if emotions start to rise, put the conversation on hold and start again later. If you find out that you want different things, so something that you're not willing to compormise on, then maybe it's time to re-evaluate. If not, then everything will be out in the open and you'll know what's imprtant to work on.
Good luck! Hope to hear that everything works out!
Wow...I really don't know what to say about this one.
Is your bf aware of his mom disliking you? Has she ever treated his other girlfriends in the past (if he had any) the same way? I would find it strange if he doesn't recognize this and ends up defending her if you tell him. I've never been in this situation, so I can't say much, but I thinking talking to him is what you need to do, otherwise things may never change.
It seems like there are a lot of issues going on here...yikes.
Why is it a big deal for your bf that you move away from your family? You're 20 - that's still pretty young, and a lot of people still stay with their family at that age.
Do you know why his mom doesn't like you? Is he willing to stand up to his mom? Is she the one pushing you to move out? So many questions are unanswered in the post - namely, how all the issues link together...
But yeah. I agree with @LadyOblivious about sitting down with your bf to see what both of you want out of the relationship. Best of luck.
You need to understand to the fullest extent that you can't change people, but you can change how you react to them. Therefore, you need to accept that you very well cannot change how his mom feels about you and what influence she has over your boyfriend.
If you haven't already done so, I would personally try to talk to his mother. Maybe she'll clear up confusion, or even show that you're wrong or that what you think she feels about you is very exaggerated. The point is: It shows good stuff that you had the maturity to confront her about it personally.
From there, accept how things are, talk to your boyfriend if you think it'll do any good, and act how you feel will be in your best interest.
Good luck. I'd be interested in how things turn out. Update if possible! =)
From reading the post, I get the feeling this is a one way relationship. He gets mad b/c you want to be with him when you are sick or having a bad day? When you are sick or having a bad day, you want to be with one person that makes your happy, and that is him. Does he not understand that? Does he not get pleasure from taking care of you? Nothing is more rewarding to me than being able to take care of my gf in any way I can.
Maybe I am stupid, but how is you not wanting to move away from your parents right now a problem? You guys been dating for a year, and you are only 20 and he already want you to move five hours away from your parents? Tell him to take a step back. Is he willing to not let his mother affect his relationship with you? He needs to do that before he expect you to move away from your parents.
As far as getting acceptance from his mother, that is a very tough one. Perhaps as time goes on she will come around, but there is a chance that she never will. What you need to do is to find out why she doesn't like you. You said you have been over at your bf's parents house for dinner without him being there, so, it can't possibly be that bad. Bottom line, find out what it is about you that his mother doesn't like, and see if you can change that.
i don;t understand why he gets mad when you are sick or upset, he should be the one trying to make you feel happy. i don't get that part.
but you are dating him and not his mother. and he should be aware if it as well. you really need to talk with him about all this
I know that you're dating the boyfriend not his mom, but personally, I feel like a good relationship w/ the mom is important too, especially if she's the mom of someone I plan to spend the rest of my life with.
You said you haven't done anything for her to hate you, but maybe you can sit down and talk to her? Or is that out of the question. You said you eat dinner w the family even when your boyfriend isn't there, maybe you can ease into the topic when you're helping her clean up or doing the dishes?
I don't a sour relationship w/ his mom is a good reason to break up w/ someone you love so much. Hopefully opening up the floor for communication will clear up some prejudice better your relationship! good luck!! =)
It's hard to get into another relationship when one of your past boyfriends cheated on you. It can destroy you mentally and emotionally but don't drag it on to the next relationship. It isn't healthy and guys or people in general don't like to be with others who are always insecure and have trust issues. It's a new relationship and he's a different guy. Try to start out fresh.
When you're not feeling well or having a bad day, don't always go to him and complain. Take a chill pill and relax. Something that I like to do is vent out in writing. THAT releases a lot of stress and unwanted emotions. That way you're bf won't always have to hear you complain and nag.
You both are in your 20s. That's still an incredible young age to even
think about moving away from both of your families unless you both are
committed to one another and know where you both stand. But it seems
like there's still a fog in the relationship. It's still uncertain if
it will work out.
About his mother, sometimes you can do something about it. Other times you just can't and you'll have to accept it. You can try to talk to her but I won't guarantee that it will go anywhere. Maybe it will clear some air between the two of you but it won't make everything better either.
This post just seems to.. miss a lot of connections with one another. It goes from one issue to another.
I had a lot of the same issues with parents of my ex. The thing was though, they actually realIy liked me. I went out with my ex for two years and I got along with his family really well, until the last month of my relationship with him.
His parents actually came in between us and made me and him take a six week long break and banned us from talking to each other. They said that we were too attached to each other and it was an addiction rather than a relationship. They called our relationship unhealthy and told us that we depended on each other too much. I'm two years older than my ex, so they had a lot more control over his actions and he listened to everything they said. His parents introduced him to new girls to get his mind away from me during our forced six week break and this eventually led to our break up.
My point, parents can make or break a relationship, so tread carefully. Maybe you should try talking to him about your fears, but don't bash his mother completely just try to figure out if there's anything he knows you can do to help his mother like you. I know this has been said over and over but communication is key. As long as he knows that you're trying and that you love him and that you haven't given up, that will give him less motive to listen to his mother and so on and so forth.
I hope that helped somewhat....
How do I gain acceptance? How do I keep in the relationship? This isn't
fair that I show the woman everything I have. I have never had a
problem with a mother/family hating me. Normally when their son and I
break up, they say how much they will miss me and hope that I keep in
touch.
The woman's a bitch. Period. There's nothing you will ever be able to do to change her attitude towards you. She's a miserable person inside and out to be around. She has to make everyone around her as miserable as her in order to make herself better and by the time she's done doing that she's not feeling any bit better. You don't have to gain her approval or through her in order to date your beloved.
As for the boyfriend if he's going to break up with you because you won't move away from your family at this time he can go fuck himself. What a stupid reason to break up with you. He wasn't all that committed if he was going to break up with you for that. But! On the other hand, it may have been an excuse... his bitch of a mother could have been meddling. I don't believe you're ever going to have a day of peace from that bitch without worrying what she'll do next.
Ultimately if she keeps this up, and from what I read I personally feel she will, it may be best if he severed most ties with her. That's the only way I can see you two working out.
dude dump ur boyfriend. he'll be depressed and all that. his mom will see it and she, like all mothers, will feel terrible and come to like u as a woman that makes her son happy.
Get rid of your boyfriend. If he values his mother's opinion more than yours, you two are just going to have huge fights every time you and her disagree on something, even something smalll. You deserve someone who will be able to stand up for YOU and support YOUR decisions, and he obviously refuses to be that person for you.
I think you have to get over your emotional hurt from ur ex bf first. That is key to any relationship. Next, is don't forget when u settle or marry someone, you have to marry his entire family. U must know what you need from him and what he provides and vice versa. You remember something, when u are with someone, you must accept every single thing and him in entirety flaws and all. If you can't and it seems that you are getting extremely depressed about it, then i think it might be time to take stock of whats happening.
Oh man...this happened to me too! My ex's parents and even his aunt/uncle/cousins didn't like me because I wasn't the same nationality as them (yes, totally ridiculous, I know). In the end, you just have to think long and hard. How much does he mean to you, but more importantly, how much do you mean to you? Don't sacrifice yourself and what you love for someone who values others' opinions higher than both yours and his own. You're worth more than that!
wow...momma's boy? =\
find a man who's not such a bitch.
1. I think it's unreasonable to tell you that he doesn't like the things you do, and expect you to change. And then he confuses you by saying that you are the perfect girlfriend. I couldn't go out with someone like that.
2. His mother shouldn't be a major factor in your relationship. She has no solid reason to break you up since you say that you are always nice to her. You and your boyfriend should ignore her silly ways and do what you want to do (but of course, not to the point where you destroy the relationship between your boyfriend and his mother).
I'd say that's a relationship with too much trouble, bad feelings, and other strings attached and you should just cut yourself free from it before it destroys you. Seriously. That boy and his mother are just bad news. Cut and run! You're only 20 after all. Trust me, you can do MUCH better than that.
I'll make this short:
You sound stupid and ridiculous.
I just got out of a year long relationship, with a 20 year old, whose mom also had a major influence on our relationship. It was extremely unhealthy, to the point she was in the back ground shit talking me when were arguing about breaking up. I spent more time worrying about what his mother thought than I should have, and it really got tot me over time. Whenever we would fight, she would know about it and always make an opinion about it. The boyfriend listened more to her, then me. It sounds like you are in a similar situation and I'm so sorry. If at all possible I would sit down with him and tell him how you feel. I hate to say it, but if his mom can't back off you will both have a big problem.
I'm essentially in the same boat. Well, for the most part. My boyfriend's mom and I got along great for the first few months of our relationship. But last summer, I decided to ask her why she drinks so much. (no one else has the balls to confront her about it) I didn't ask in an accusing way or anything, but she immediately got WAY defensive, asking if I thought she was an alcoholic, telling me how terrible her past was, etc. Then she proceeded to kick me out of the house. After a week, I was allowed back in the house, but within days, she dredged up more drama. One night while my boyfriend and I were out with friends, she hunted down one of my websites (which could not have been an easy task since she doesn't have my email or anything) and found a blog I'd posted, kindof a semi-rant, trying to figure out why the hell she suddenly had a problem with me. My thought was she couldn't stand the idea of her son having another woman in his life. (especially considering how close we were already) To sum it up, she flipped shit. Tried to break us up. Accused me of cheating on him. Accused me of trying to cut him off from his family and friends. Tried to say that I've been stalking him for 4 years. Just tons of ridiculous bullshit. And, like that wasn't dumb enough, whenever I was around, she acted like a complete idiot, saying things like "Look how crazy I'm acting, and I'm not even drunk!"
She's one of those mothers who would still wipe his ass for him if she could. She won't let him go. She's actually making him stay at home for the next 5 years so he can save up enough money to buy a house as soon as he moves out. There's no denying it's a good idea, but he could live in the apartment at my house. That way, he'd at least start learning how to take care of himself.
We almost never fight, but when we do, 99% of the time it's about her. He's the type of guy who tries to avoid conflict, so he doesn't stand up to her unless I give him no choice.
We're engaged, and I don't want it to be the kind of thing where I dread going to see his family just because of her.
@thinkin_up_dreams@xanga - You obviously can't relate to this situation, otherwise you wouldn't have said something like that.
Why even waste time and space replying when all you're going to say is something pointless that's not helpful in the least?
You're dating him and not his mother. If she can't (kindly) back off and leave you alone, then that's an issue you need to discuss with your boyfriend.
Also, it's understandable that you wouldn't want to move too far away from your family. Would he do the same for you?
Not trying to be harsh, but are you sure that wasn't just an excuse? It sounds like a pretty shallow reason to break up w/ someone, not to mention a relationship should be about compromising to find a situation acceptable for both people.
oh, you deserve a better guy..
but i can relate to you wanting to make it work. i don't know how to deal with a parent that doesn't like you, but the movies show some kind of traumatic happening that works like a charm and miraculously brings things together haha. i hope you find said miracle.
if anything.. i think you shouldn't concern yourself too much about having his mom like you. at first and foremost, you are dating him and he's dating you. so it's between you both. however, for a guy.. their moms tend to be pretty important influences in their life. if he can't figure what he reallie wants for himself, then honey.. i don't think he's worth the time and effort. he has to grow up and be more mature first.