Saturday, 27 December 2008
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To Get Over Someone, Outsmart Yourself?
This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.A friend once told me that if you really try, you can get over anyone - that you just have to keep on telling and believing yourself that it's over.
When I first heard this, I disagreed completely. Now, I don't care how much experience you have with relationships; generally, even "noobs" would know that if you truly like someone, that person doesn't just go away from your thoughts when you tell yourself to send him or her out of your mind.
I've always believed that if you really liked someone deeply, no matter where they are or how long they've been from you, you'll always like them as if they were here.
Do people really get over someone they truly liked, or do people just keep those past thoughts in the back of their minds? Does it really all just go away at some point?
Maybe I don't have this so-called "mentality". When I think about my ex I've liked since I was 13 (I'm 17 now), no matter how much I tell myself to get over the fact that he isn't around anymore, I find myself still consumed in thoughts. I must have really liked him.
So what is your opinion? Can you will yourself to get over someone?
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Comments (117)
I think that you never really entirely get over someone you really liked. Somewhere in there is always this little part of that person that stays there. It might not stay there forever, but it'll probably be there for a while.
Just my thoughts.
oh my, i feel exactly the same way. hmmm i feel that as long as you really love that person, he/she's gna be part of you whether you like it or not.
Time does have a way of healing your heart... eventually you could get to the point where that person is just a fond memory without the overwhelming feelings.
As far as outsmarting yourself, well, a lot of people believe anything that they hear long enough. Whether your heart believes it, however, could be a completely different story.
You never really get over them. Time & distance can dull the ache but never truly erase the feelings.
@amissong@xanga - I AGREE .
You know, I actually think that willing yourself to get over someone can work. Now, I don't believe that it can work for everyone, but I know that it has worked for me in the past. I just squelch whatever thoughts I'm having of that person. I go to the natatorium at my University, and "swim" him out of my system. With every kick I make in the water, I push him out of my mind. I tell myself over and over that I don't care about him, that he treated me horribly, and that it's over and I have my whole future to look forward to. It's a bit like convincing yourself not to hurt. I'm not very good at explaining it, but I know that I know how to do this. :-/
It doesn't 100% solve the problem, but it does deaden it. It's a bit like putting a powerful numbing agent on a physical hurt, and when it starts hurting again, just apply a little more.
And then, eventually, time does it's magic, and the hurt is almost non-existent.
Honestly if you love someone or like someone alot you could never just EASILY get over that person no matter how much u outsmart yourself. you can try your hardest to out smart yourself but it will never work. your friend must have never been in love or liked someone so deeply for saying that. if i like someone a little but and it didnt work out then yeah i can easily say ok its alright and move on but when your in love or you like someone alot that just doesnt happen that way.
believe me, i've tried to will myself into getting over a guy that i liked for over 10 years.
you can't will it to happen. you simply need to go your 50, and hope for them to come their 50 or at least give you closure.
and then perhaps, you'll be able to get over them.
but if you continue to live in ambiguity of whether or not they like you, you won't get over them.
I don't know if it works, but I recently broke up with my boyfriend of two years (we broke up over the summer). I just keep everything that has to do with him in this little box inside my head and I refuse to ever open it. Randomly, I'll find myself thinking about him and what he's up to or if he's wondering about me, but thats the extent of it. I'm over him, and thats not just me saying it to myself to justify it; that's the truth.
I think with each guy its different. My ex was my first everything and most importantly my first love, but a lot has happened for these past few months that has changed my view of him so that I'm not in love with him anymore.
There are so many circumstances involved in getting over a relationship/significant other. I think its a mixture of everything. And I don't know if I agree or don't agree with the fact that you never get over those you truly like or love. I haven't had that much experience in the field to tell you that. (I'm 19 and have only had one boyfriend thus far) But I'd like to hope I'm still not in love with him. I rather just have the memories and nice moments we shared.
Outsmarting yourself only works for some people i guess, just depends how much will power you have!
Just keep telling yourself that you mean nothing to them, and eventually you will just click and all doubt will be lost. Just try to convince yourself that all the times you spent together were a lie.
It may not work but if you're out of options its worth a try..
I dunno about this. It my work for some, but it didn't for me. I just kept telling myself, "I'm over him. I'm over him. I'm over him." when ever I thought about it, so it didn't really give me an opportunity to reflect and heal. It just pushed him out of my mind for the time being, but later in life I had to deal with it.
OK, this might seem to simple but it makes sense. Since you were with him, he probably made some impact in your life, and possibly helped you for the better in at least one situation. Its just like a close friend in grade school that you haven't seen in a long time, its ok that they're gone, but you wont forget their name and how good of friends you were, and you'll miss them a little bit sometimes. With a significant other, you share many more intimate times with them and your memmories are much more sentimental, but the idea is the same. You should get another boyfriend and remember your ex's for who they are, but thats it. Don't overthink it. Don't sabbatauge a new relationship for an old one if the new one is going well.
Thats my two cents. Hope it helps someone at least.
i've been dealing with this problem for the past 4 years too...
I wish it was as simple as just not thinking of them or putting them out of your mind.
if you ever find a sure way, let me know.
Mmm. I'm going with how most people define like and love because my definitions are too complicated. And this is just my opinion, so it isn't necessarily right or wrong. I think if you just like someone, then you can get over them if you can manage to convince yourself. But if you love someone, I don't think you can. And, either way, I don't think you ever truly "get over" the person.
Negativity is a big help here. Whenever I get nostalgic I think about something that I never want to deal with again with that person, and the flood of "shit...I never DO have to deal with that again!" is comforting. Then again, my last two long-term relationships were a mutual and a one-sided (my side) breakup, so maybe it would change if I were the infatuated one.
I think it depends on the person. I don't get over romantic entanglements easily, but some of my male friends have been able to get over their ex's in less than a month (and we're not talking short term ex's either).
I think it takes a combination of time, willpower and experiences to get over someone. Even then, I still keep a tiny part of them in my heart.
I'm 16, & I still think someone I had liked since I was 12. :P
We ended up going to different high schools so I cut off all connections with him. It took him off my mind.. but only until something reminded me of him. I'm starting to fully believe that it's something that will never really go away.
I agree with what other people said. After time, the overwhelming
feelings will go away, & you can think of them without longing for
them.
But they'll always have a little piece of your heart if it was more than just a crush.
I think it has a lot to do with whether you were the one to end the relationship or not. If the other party does it, it can be hard. If you do it or it's a mutual choice, the process probably won't be so painful.
I'm trying to...
You will always like/love that person no matter what but, in time it changes... you can will yourself over a relationship. Closure REALLY helps but sometimes you can't get it from them and you have to turn the page. It's really hard and you may end up stumbling but... in time it gets better... other things, people and activites fill that void and you will move on.
I'm sure you can do it if I can, because I live with the person I'm moving on from.
I'm not sure what it even means to "get over" someone. I think you can will yourself to go on living and thriving without someone around. You can even try to will yourself to not think about them as often. But I don't think you can erase them from your life, nor do I think it's a good idea to force yourself to. After all, in order to grow and learn from any experience, however painful, you have to accept it as a part of who you are now. And that's a good thing. People who try to replace one person with another, who bury the past once it's over, will probably make the same mistakes over and over again.
I think it takes more than just willing yourself to get over someone.
I don't think it works like that. It's kind of like a, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink sort of deal. I mean, you can try all you want to not think about somebody, but you are inevitably going to. I guess what you CAN do is bring yourself right to the edge of the water. In other words, take all the steps that you can to make the optimal getting-over-someone environment. If your myspace/facebook/xanga is covered with pictures, blog entries, etc. about them, delete those things. Stop writing blogs and facebook statuses about them. It's tough to do when all you do is think about them though. It's like I used to tell my friend Liz when she wanted to be over this guy: you won't be over him until you truly want to be. The problem was that while she was telling me she wanted to be over him, what she truly wanted was to be with him again. Eventually, she got sick of wasting her time thinking about him and decided she was going to move on. So it's like I said, you cant make yourself do anything you truly don't want to do.
it's the same question as, "if you're hungry, can you control your desire to eat?"
yes.
the real question is, can you control your body's ability to feel pain?
hmmm...