Saturday, 27 December 2008
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How Can I Help My Friend Through Her First Breakup?
This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.
My BFF and I were in class together when she David. They were classmates in three periods and he also joined our circle of friends. Eventually they got together secretly, and I was the only one who knew. And now, after a year, they've broken up.
He was her first love and all, so she is currently moping around and crying wherever we are. She still doesn't want anybody to know yet, so we have to make crazy excuses (read: "oh, my eyes are red and teary because I think I'm allergic to my hamster!") to cover it up. She's in total bawl mode and I am completely useless.
She asks me all about what I would do if it happened to me - I'm the only one who knew they were together, so I'm the only one who can comfort her. The problem is, I have no idea what to do because I haven't really dated or broken up with anyone.How do you help a person survive her recent breakup if you have no experience in the area?
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Comments (36)
I know that when I was broken up with someone for the first time, my best friend came over to my house and just hugged me while I cried. I still wanted to be friends with him, so she wasn't a bitch to him. I honestly think it hurts more when they attempt to beat the guy up because it creates more drama. She was awesome in helping me :]
Just be there for her. She'll get over it eventually. If not, knock some sense into her. It's just a guy, afterall.
It's really beyond you to make it all better, which I'm sure you want to do. All you can do, is comfort her. Be happy and be strong because she'll need that. In the end though, she is the only one who can pull herself together and move on. All you can do is try to influence her into doing that.
It takes time. But slowly things will change.
Sometimes simply just being there to listen to her is all someone really needs. Maybe you two can go out and do things to distract her from the breakup.
You haven't mentioned how long it's been since the break, but if it's recent enough, she's allowed to have the mope time. Suggest long bubble baths or hot showers. Chocolate ice cream and silly movies usually helped drive the chemicals in my brain to a happier place.
You're her best friend, you're in charge of the make-overs and movie nights that will help distract her. Remember, it takes time for a heart to mend, so give her pleanty of alone time, but not too much time. Your role is key, make sure she remembers how to be happy and have fun, while remaining single.
Other than all of that, just remember, time is your best friend and the ultimate bandaid.
Don't expect her to get over it too soon. Breakups take a long time to get over. Be there for her when she needs a hug or a pint of Ben and Jerry's, but also do things with her that take her mind off of things. That way, she can vent, but you don't have to listen to it 24/7.
the bringing of food (usually in the form of sweets) in your hand and a box of tissue in the other should do the trick. Don't try to think of comforting words and what not and just be there. At the same time, don't push her to move on and what not, only time will heal.
be there for herrr, and y'know do things to cheer her up (eg. sleepovers, balloons, or anything she likes to do)
all the best!
Healing takes time, all you can really do is be there for her and be a shoulder to cry on when she needs it. Ice cream helps too.
honestly. a girl's first break up and realllly fragile and a delicate situation but that not an excuse for her to mope around forever. My frist broke up was a couple of years and ago and you feel as if nobody understands how u feel even tho in reality people do understand. all u can basically can do is be there and comfort when needed sometimes u need to let thing like this heal by itself because in reality she will face more break up and its not like u can comfort her forever.
<3 KR
The best thing to do is to be by her side and to listen to her. She'll be okay eventually; wounds will heal over time.
I hope she'll be okiee<3. :x
I don't want to say "Don't let her mope"... but, well, don't! I don't know details about their relationship, but it's over now. Instead of letting her sit around feeling sorry for herself, she needs to get up and do things.
Feeling sad is perfectly normal and ok, but when it drives you to the point where you can't function in the real world (crying everywhere you go, for example), something needs to be done. Be there (at home) when she cries, hold her hand, feed her chocolate, hug her, tell her how wonderful she is... but then go out, and do something for yourselves. Get your nails or hair done, go out and meet people... do something you've never done before!
My best friend and I are currently getting over relationships that WE were convinced were going to end in marriage... our guys, apparently, had different plans. I'm sad about it, I've cried about it... but I've determined that the best way of dealing with it is to turn myself into a stronger person. I'm taking care of myself again, in a way I never did while my ex and I were together.
She's not going to heal overnight, but you can help her to feel good about herself, and realize that she can do anything she wants; she's beautiful, smart, and doesn't need him to dictate her happiness!
The only thing you can do is listen, and be there and help distract her when she's willing. If she starts focusing on other things it will take her mind of the bad and make her feel better, for a while. After some time, those whiles will get longer and longer and eventually she'll just be better. It just takes time.
However, for you and your friend, for future notice. Keeping relationships a secret is a surefire way to create problems, and mistrust. It's not a safe of healthy way to maintain a relationship. It's also fairly complicated in situations like this where it ends. It's much easier, smarter, less stressful and healthier (for the relationship) to just let people know. You don't have to announce it to the world, but you shouldn't hide it either.
So be there for your friend. Hold her when she needs a hug, listen when she talks and cries, and distract her with stuff to do (that won't remind her of him) as much as possible! Good luck, and you're a good friend and she's lucky to have you!
I think the best way is to comfort her and try to come up with something fun that'll keep her mind off of it.
Just be there when she needs you. The things I do the most is just talk with the person and comfort them. The best way to start relieving the pain is to let out the emotions.
@loudletters@xanga - Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them.
@laytexduckie@xanga - Haha, I couldn't agree more!
Why was the relationship so secretive? Or why can't she tell her other friends about it now so she has more shoulders to cry on?
Ultimately, it has to be a process that your friend goes through herself. But how you can help her is to distract her from her pain. When I went through my last breakup, the most helpful thing for me was to fill up my social calendar. And I was fortunate enough to have friends who would go out to dinner with me, watch movies with me, listen to my ranting, etc. They totally encouraged me when I felt like taking up new hobbies. So just spend time with her. Assure her that her life will go on just fine (perhaps even better) without him.
distract her and keep her from thinking about him. shut her up when she tries to mention him. she'll move on .. soon enough :) be patient on your part ~ unless it's been months... then...
Pretty much everything has been said already. But yeah, get her to open up and talk about all the things she has bottled up inside, and just be a good listener. Go out and treat yourselves. Hang out with other friends, meet new people, do things that you and your friend are interested in. =)
keeping her occupied might be a good idea. i find myself thinking about my ex (we went out 2 years) when i'm by myself or idle. staying busy helps to think about other things.
i believe the best things i would do are to be there for her and listen to her.
The best you can do is just be there for her and try to help keep her mind clear of things. Maybe do some activities together, like watching a movie or taking up some hobbies. :)
It's been almost 6 months since I've broken up. I'm still upset about it, but I can't bring myself to hate the guy. It helps sometimes when my friends come over and start shit talking sessions aimed at him. lol Also, tell her to find a hobby that she really loves to keep her mind distracted. You guys should go out often and have fun.
Mental stability is most important. So make sure that she understands another person's (her ex's) feelings are his own and she has NO control over them. She does have control over her own. She seems young, although I don't know. It's not the end of the world yet. And there's definitely better out there, although she may feel like she's experienced the best yet. Trust me, I feel her.
You can only do so much as a friend. But she needs to realize reality on her own, but you can help her by constantly reminding her the world eventually unfolds as it should. If it's not meant to be, it's best to realize that and move on with whatever is meant to be.
I hope I helped. Good luck! =]