Friday, 26 December 2008

  • What Should I Do About This Non-Relationship?

    This is a guest blog submitted by munkykissu.

    I recently joined a dating site. It was originally a joke with my sisters, but I was secretly hoping to find someone to just hang out with, maybe even fall in love with.

    Only after a few days (of creepy guys way out of my requested age range and living on the other side of the continent) did I receive an interest from a guy my age. He lives only 20-30 minutes from me and sounded like a genuinely awesome person from his profile. We began talking via text messages nonstop. It had been a a week when we finally decided to meet each other in person - but in public - and I made him swear not to kill me or kidnap me. We met at one of the sport/recreation parks by my house. He didn't come off as my type, but his personality soon had me head over heels.

    At this point we have known each other for 3 months, "seeing" each other for 2 of those months. We began as just friends and had somehow progressed into a couple, but we're not in a relationship. We've had sex, but it's not a thing we do every time we see each other. Usually we just like to sit in a parking lot talking or just listening to music.

    Now, the thing that's confusing me. We are not in a relationship, we are not f*ck buddies, nor are we friends with benefits. I'm not exactly sure what we are! The last time we were sitting in this truck playing chess and waiting for his friend to bring us a pizza, we started talking about me "finding" someone. Mostly this subject comes up when we're talking about my son (he's four months old and the father isn't part of our lives) in the sense that he will need a father. In no way am I trying to talk him into being a dad to my son! He's always the one bringing the subject up.

    I finally asked him what he meant by "finding someone"; who was he to me then? He said that if I met someone someday, to just tell him and things would end between us. But I can't do that; even though we're not together, I can't bring myself to see other people. He doesn't want a relationship, but I do (he doesn't know that, though).

    I really like him, except I'm not sure I'm emotionally ready for the kind of non-relationship. I can't be in a non-relationship the rest of my life. I need a constant companion I know will not just walk away because he is committed. Of course I haven't mentioned this to him. What is there for me to do about this?

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Comments (38)

  • Tina_Kushnu@xanga

    Tell him those things!  If he doesn't know how you feel, you can't expect anything to change.
  • KasumiCelesta@xanga

    This is just a suggestion but...maybe you should tell him how you feel.

    The most obvious disagreement between you two is the relationship thing. You want a relationship--so why stay with someone who isn't going to give you that? Talk to him about it. Once he actually KNOWS what it is you want, then you two can figure out where to go from there.
  • SWEETxN0VEMBER@xanga

    i agree, you have to tell him how you feel or the situation will not change or you will end up being where you don't want to be.
  • inthenameofwater@xanga

    I think if you have a four-month old son, and you've met this guy within the past 3 months, that it's no wonder he won't commit!
    Figure you were impregnated by another man about 13 months ago. That left you about a year to "get over" him. Now there's a constant little reminder of him looking at you every few minutes. It's not that you have another man's child; you've got another man's infant!
    If I were a guy, I'd wait awhile before committing to a mother of a 4-month old as well. Plus, don't infants really settle a lot in terms of loneliness while they're still in that "i need everything" stage? Why were you already jumping online a month after Junior popped out?
    IDK... I'd wait a while and just see what happens. And look around with your eyes shut, for now. You'll either find someone without looking, or perhaps you could just wait til the kid's a bit older.
  • Lynn1013@xanga

    There is someone else out there who fits your lifestyle better. The longer you hang around this guy, the longer it's going to take to find your real Mr. Right.

  • whatyourBFreallythinks@xanga

    Holy shit...

    This sounds like the underlying theme to every other craigslist missed connection I've ever read...

    Let me let you in on something...

    As cool as we'd like to think we are, one super power that we did not develop in evolution would be the power to read minds...Why ask us for advice when the answer solely lies in the mind of the man you talk about...

    How is it so easy to open up to strangers, yet the person that you know is in the dark about how you feel?  Talk about intimacy issues...
  • anonymous

    I got this inking feeling that he is trying to hint you that he is not interested in bringing your relationship abit further than what it is now. Because if he is interested in having a real relationship with you, he would have assume that you are his gf or he would have asked you to be his gf officially. I think this guy is only out for a casual relationship. 
  • theacematt2@xanga

    @KasumiCelesta@xanga - you know, there are a lot of girls I wish I could say, or to have said to, "tell him how you feel."

    Most dance around in a state of uncertainty, and I've witnessed more than a couple of .... "blunders" due to a lack of the aforementioned advice taking place, so I would second it.
  • loudletters@xanga

    Tell him how you feel. If a relationship is still something he doesn't want, you should move on because it's only going to take you longer to find the "right guy" for you.
  • peacefulextremist@xanga

    In my opinion it's time to break this off. He's looking for someone to hang with when he's bored, and sex when there's nothing better, and by bringing up finding someone to you, he's telling you, as someone else said, he's only looking for a casual hit or miss kind of thing. Now, if that's what you were looking for too, that would be cool. But obviously you  have deeper feelings than that. I agree with the others, tell him how you feel before you break it off, but do it now. Otherwise you're letting yourself in for a world of hurt. Take it from someone who's been there.


    BTW, sitting in a parking lot???? This guy has someone else. I'd bet money on it.


  • Tokimon@xanga

    yea i can't say a non-relationship like this is gonna be healthy for you.. or your son in the long run.  keep your options open for looking for someone else and definitely talk about all this with him.  he ought to know and if he makes the final decision not to stay with you like that.. then you have your answer and can move on for better :)
  • hattori_lessons@xanga

    Well, you need to ask him what's the relationshi between you two. Is it friendship or romance? If he says you're in a relationship then ask him why does he keep refering to someone else as your potential partner.  Another thing would be to ask yourself what you're expecting from this relationship and whether it'll make you happy in the end. 
  • wizard_howl@xanga

    Bring this up with him, have a conversation about it, really hammer home how you feel about him.  He may realize it and come around. If he's an understanding person he will realize that you definitely need and want more than a nonemotional attachment.


    I had a similar problem with a guy I met over the internet.  We're a bit different in the fact that we are friends with benefits (and pretty much dating, the way we set things up)...but he's not looking for a solid relationship and I'm more than ready to settle down as his girlfriend. We've known each other for about the same amount of time you two have, and he's contstantly telling me that it's too soon for a relationship anyway (I'm surprised he even puts up with this). 


    If talking the whole thing out doesn't help, then give it time. Don't rush into things. If you feel that it is definitely going nowhere then pull out yourself and move on.
  • akatiegirl

    Communicate.  Tell him.  If he walks away now, then you don't want that kind of a person around your child, do you?  If he stays...well, then, problem solved.  But seriously...talk to him before things progress anymore.  You owe it to yourself and your son.

    -Katie
  • naguyin@xanga

    I'm agreeing with everybody else. Tell him how you feel.

    Communication is key in any relationship.

  • Viola_F@xanga

    if he's bringing your son into the conversation a lot, that might mean he's thinking about being part of his life as he knows if he has a relationship with you, your son will be part of it too.

    so maybe he's just not sure if he should get into a relationship with you as you're not giving him enough encouragement. i think it's sweet of him.

    you should sit and talk this through

  • kiwi_greenie@xanga

    he needs to know this! and u should ask him to be ur bf im sure its not simple or easy, but u guys have found someone worth being with...just put it on paper : )
    merry xmas and GOOD LUCK!!!
  • ichigo705@xanga

    You should tell him how you feel and see what happens from there. And if he still doesn't want a relationship, then it's best to move on from it. You don't want to get more hurt because of it.


    Best of luck. :)
  • MeLoveYouL0ngTime@xanga

    Honestly, if I were you, I would just get out of it now before investing even more emotions into it. You deserve much more than a half-assed commitment on his part, and so does your son. Not only does he have apparent commitment issues, but he's also saying that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Honestly, think about that, and if you really want to put yourself through that. No woman deserves to be strung along.

  • Winifred222222@xanga

    i would just tell him how you feel, and if hes too afraid or not ready to settle down, then move on. you owe it to yourself and youre son to find the very best person for you out there. 
  • JessxMaxine@xanga
    If he doesnt want a relationship with you, he doesnt want a relationship. And not to be mean, you met this man when your son was one month, shouldnt you be more all about your kid instead of trying to find a boyfriend?

    And for most guys, once you give it up, the chase is gone and he knows he can hit it when he wants. Him telling you, you should date and find the one is a nice way of saying, "let's just chill hang out, have sex once in awhile and once you find someone its over. No hard feelings."

    Either tell him what you want or stop sleeping with him and don't spend time alone with him.

    Xo
  • linguistic_nonsense@xanga

    You two need to discuss big time what it is you are looking for in your relationships. How is he to know if you don't tell him? You cannot expect him to be a psychic of sorts and just automatically know what you're thinking or what you want out of life. You aren't going to go anywhere if you don't say anything.
  • KJLavender@xanga

    Drop him. If he wanted an official relationship, you'd be in one already.

    If you want hanging out and periodic sex, that's fine since it's the same thing he wants. If you want more, I'm sure you can find it.

    I met my current through an online personal ad a couple months ago. We shifted into an unambiguous, exclusive relationship within a few weeks of dating.
  • Elephantgirl66@xanga

    I have to agree with peacefulextremist you're meeting in a parking lot? 


    He sounds like he is MARRIED!


    Move on...
  • BkLyNzzzHoTTeStLiLgUrL@xanga

    I wish I could help you, but I am in the same predicament

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