Miss Zebra"So yeah . . . um . . . wanna start going out? Like together? Date?"
My mind stopped and started as I recovered from complete shock. The guy was really cool, but not someone I could see myself working with long term. So I said no and explained why and he accepted that.
But what now? I explained I didn't believe in dating "for the fun of it" and it was obvious he and I wouldn't work together as a couple (because of beliefs and lifestyles and whatnot), but as friends we're awesome. He's been a little more reserved though than he was before and I'm just wondering how I'm supposed to act to make him more comfortable. I asked some of my guy friends about it and they were, like, "Well yeah, it'd be a little awkward, but I'd still hang out with a girl who turned me down if she was a good enough friend beforehand." But then again, a lot of things are easier said than done. Should I wait for him to make the first move to hang out again? Or should I instigate the next invite to get together?
Guys do you feel awkward when the girl who has turned you down still wants to hang out?
Girls, how do you act towards a guy you just turned down?
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Comments (32)
I wouldn't worry about it. Just kinda forget it happened. If he liked you enough to ask you out, then I'm sure he wouldn't want to lose you as a friend. So just kind of act like nothing happened, and go on as you guys normally would.
I know this is lame, but I really just do my best to act the same as I did before towards him. It makes it easier for everyone.
It's definitely going to be a little weird at first, but things will be normal again. If anything, you can set up something with a group of friends so it won't be as one-on-one with each other. I'm sure everything will be okay, unless he's madly in love with you, which is unlikely. He seems like an understanding guy though. Good luck!
I've actually had this happen to me a couple times before, too. Just like the others said, I tried to act like nothing happened and it worked pretty well. Relationships (or lack thereof) arent worth ruining friendships over.
One other piece of advice though is dont speak about your personal life (relationship-wise) when he's around, like if you happen to find a love interest. I think it'd be awkward for him, and he'd probably appreciate it if you didnt talk about it to him, unless you are absolutely sure he's over you.
@thexbrokenxsmile@xanga - You second piece of advice is a really good one.
Of course it's gonna be weird for the guy at first. We just got rejected X_X! However, in the past I've gotten over it in due time and stayed friends (for the most part). Just give him a few weeks or so to fully accept what just happened and hopefully it won't be as awkward.
It's ALWAYS going to be awkward. You just broke the guy's heart (depending on how invested he was). It's tough sometimes, because as a guy asking a friend out, we risk the chance of ruining the friendship, when you may or may not like us back ><
My advice is to give him some space first, let him mull it over and get over you (in that way). Having space to think it through is good, and then after a while (depending on the guy this could be a couple of weeks, or longer) start hanging out in a group setting first, then let it go from there
My advice is to let the guy come to you. He is the one who is hurt right now let him get over it and decide whether he wants to be your friend or if he can handle it. If you make the first move, he might get the signals confused. I try to stay away from a guy I rejected but be open when he tries to communicate in a friendly manner.
It doesn't have to be awkward. Just do your best to act the same way around him that you normally would before he asked you out. I agree that you should give him some time to work it out on his own, but don't avoid him or anything thinking that he still needs time. He'll come back to you as a friend when he's ready.
So.... after this guy turned me down, I just sort of never spoke to him again.... there was the occasional hi, but I felt way to awkward to talk to him afterwards.
I just got shat on by a girl a few minutes ago....
And since the amount of awkward existing between two people is inversely proportional the the physical distance between the aforementioned two people, I walked away!
Yes, it's awkward. I feel weird. On Christmas too. -.-"
But it's happened to me before, and I would say, yeah, it's still possible to be friends. My best friend turned me down, and we're still tight.
I don't get a lot of confessions...I think it's because guys get this vibe from me that I'm not interested in anyone.
If you guys are really good friends, the awkwardness should go away after some time.
well hmm..if u really wanna be friends with him..like keep doing n hang out and stuff..i guess maybe you shud have the first move instead. cox like guys, well some guys,, they might just thought the man reason you turned him down is because you dont like him or sth..so most of them wouldnt still go to you cox they dnt wanna make you hate him and stuff. well hope that helps =D
you should definitely instigate getting together first, so he knows that you still want to be friends, because he might feel that you're weirded out too. just show him that you're not and that you want it to be the same as before
I would just treat him like anybody else but if it's uncomfortable to face him ever since that happened, or that he still hasnt gottenover you, you should try to talk things out with him even if there's some tension going on.
I'll give him the "We should be friends. I don't like us being awkward around each other" talk.
It has worked with my previous relationships, maybe it would work for you too?
ack..... there's NO reason for YOU to initiate contact. Â the ball is completely in his court. Â if he wants to continue a relationship with you apart from what he wanted, that's his call to make.
treat him as if nothing had happened. eventually, he'll come around. if it's really uncomfortable, just disappear for a while...it's up to you i guess.
This actually happened to me. I asked one of my friends to go out with my as in bofriend-girlfriend, but she said no because we were too different (lifestyles, the way we were raised). I accepted it and all continued to be the same as before as if nothing had happened, but the tricky part is that she began to question me if I still liked her or not. I had realized before that I only cared about her because she was like another sister to me. So when she kept insisting in trying to find out if I liked her or not (which I didn't), I began to get annoyed because she wouldn't believe that I didn't like her. Once she didn't believe me, I took it as a disrespect because I expect my friends to believe what I say because I don't lie to them. Now I don't talk to that girl at all because I lost all the trust I had in her. This is just an example of how my friendship with her just began to crumble to pieces.Â
I'm a girl, but speaking from a human's point of view, I wouldn't want the person who turned me down to initiate any hanging outings. That would give me false hope, and false hope is an annoying gift.
I've read some of the advice...and they seem to think the guy had feelings for you. I'm reading this as a friend you who was not a friends w/benefits...one who was asking you out, so I agree with the "just treat him as before" advice. Invite him to group stuff as a start.
I disagreee with not talking about dating stuff....talking about other guys will keep him in the friendzone (none of the hopes they talked about in the comments) andyou can either set him up with friends or at least talk to him about it.
-Cuisine
The first guy I turned down, we didn't get back to being friends until about 4 years later. These days, he's one of my best friends.
The second guy... He didn't take it well at all. Didn't want to know about me at all at first. Then we slowly (very slowly) started getting back to being friends. 7 months later, he asked me out again. He pretended he didn't care about me saying no a second time, but our friendship felt forced after that. He admitted to me later that every time we got back to a good friend state again, he would start falling for me all over again. We rarely (very rarely) talk these days; it's just easier that way, I guess...
The third guy... We hadn't spoken at all since after I said no, & it felt weird seeing him again about three weeks ago. (Our conversations still haven't gone past the odd Facebook Bumper Sticker or "Merry Christmas" text message...)
I guess what I'm saying is that if you try to be friends again too soon after the "rejection," things won't work out too well. The person needs time to "bounce back" & accept that nothing's going to go happen between you two, or else whatever you do "as a friend" might inspire false hopes.Â
I guess it's like breaking up without ever actually having gone out... If the person wants to be your friend after they've accepted the situation, then you'll be friends. If not, it'll be a lot of false hopes that'll just hurt them more in the long run...
Dunno if this helped at all =S
Ahhh...Yet again, we have another ladder theory story...
To answer your question, I don't hangout with girls that I can't date unless they are my friend's or family's SO...
Do I act differently? Hell yes...I would be lying to you if I said I didn't and any guy who says no is lying to himself...I was getting to know you so that I could eventually fuck you...Now that the option of getting to know you better is gone, I'm not gonna keep wasting your time or my time...I'm gonna try to get to know some girls that DO believe in "dating" for fun while you look to date someone you can get married to...BORING...
Why would you want to lead this poor bastard around? When people say, "Men are like dogs," it's in respect to attention...Dogs are loyal to the people that give them the most attention, yet they try to get attention from anyone who will either give them money, food or sex...Now what he does in return for those three is entirely dependent on the breed of dog...You have good dogs (the classical Lassie and Rin-Tin-Tin...) and you have the bad dogs (think Cujo)...Some dogs are trained well and some dogs are fucking attention sluts...Some dogs are part wolf and would eat their own young to survive and some dogs will sacrifice themselves in a burning building to save a child...
If he wanted to stay friends, he would NOT have asked you out...
@wewong@xanga - More like "weWRONG"...Playing oblivious not only makes you look socially retarded, but also marginalizes his feelings...Way to go..Just ask XXVl...
Well at first it makes me feel a little weird.. but then I just keep acting like myself and usually everything is cool except when he gives you the I like you so much stare.. yeah.. that can make you just a little uncomfortable.
I'd be cool with it.
I usually only fall for girls I already know--friends or girls I talk to on a regular basis--and if I don't know them, I try to get to know them before making a move.
If rejected, I'd be okay with it, just to be friends and hang out. It's complete fine.