Thursday, 25 December 2008
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I'm Constantly Wondering How We'll Break Up
This is a guest blog submitted by lilangle.I've been bothered by a reoccurring thought in my head during my current 4-month relationship - how will it end or how long do I have until it will end? Is it normal to be so pessimistic during a relationship to always anticipate an end?
I mean, the boyfriend is a great guy and it's obvious that he likes me a lot by the many things that he does for me, but I'm really scared of being so committed to one person and I'm scared that it'll escalate to the point that it will be hard for me to get out of it.
There are several reasons why i'm scared:
1) I don't believe in "love". I do not think these things will last forever
2) I'm a commitment-phobe. This is the second relationship I've ever been in and I'm in my mid-twenties.
3) The guy is 8 years older (33) than I am and I'm always scared that he's looking for marriage when I am not ready at all by a long shot.Has anyone experienced much fear and cold feet that is constantly reoccurring during the relationship?
If so, should it be a sign to end things before wasting both parties' time?
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- From: lilangle@xanga
- Name: hobbit-queen
- About Me: a delicate balance between lingering in memory and moving on...
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Comments (63)
Honestly, why are you in a relationship with this guy? You don't believe in love and you think things are doomed from the start. In that case, it'd probably be better to just be single rather than string people along with an eventual "deadline" in your mind.
I must agree with Toxic. If you're not ready for any kind of commitment, that's probably why you don't believe in love.
just chill and take things as it is
And knowing all this, you continue to date the guy? Knowing enough to know that he probably wants a serious commitment and that you won't give it to him, knowing that you don't even believe in love, and apparently he's looking for it? It seems to me that you should be a little more confident in a relationship than that if it's truly something worthwhile. Not that you have to have everything perfect and figured out, but relationships shouldn't be so stressful, and if they are it's probably time to move on, to someone else who doesn't want anything serious right now.
I think you should just calm down. I mean, what's WRONG with being committed? If you really don't want commitment right now, then tell him that and spare him the trouble. But I would recommend that you get over your cold feet and enjoy the good thing you have going.
You two should talk about this, sooner rather than later. It isn't fair to him if you're feeling this way while he's expecting certain things from the relationship that you can't provide. Better to talk to him now before you lead him on even further.
probably, is you viewpoint or ideology, or where you're going in life is so different then his.
This is me EXACTLY. In just about every relationship I've been in. Therefor I have no advice to give. I can relate though :)
uhhh chill out. merry christmas
Have you tried dating guys a little closer to your age...atleast then the both of you might share the same ideas about commitment...cuz if I was 33 I think I'd be looking towards getting married too.
Why don't you just enjoy what you two shared in the relationship while being in the relationship with him?
When you go into a relationship with a mindset that it's going to be doom, you are probably right. It will be doom soon.
If you feel that you're not ready to "settle down" with him, say so. Take things slow and one step at a time.
You have a commitment phobia and you don't believe in love, so why jump into a relationship? Why not just a fling relationship with no strings attach? Don't you ever want to get married and experience it?
If you know it's going to end one way or another, better to end it now before either of you get too attached (Or better option as many people already stated: tell him the truth :)
You don't have to go into a relationship thinking you're going to get married, but it's good to leave some options open instead of having all roads leading to a break-up-.-
If you are going to want something with someone, you are going to have to fix and confront this phobia of yours (not just because of him, it will haunt you in any up-coming relationship). What about it that makes you so scared of commitment? Is it giving everything that you got and then having it hurt you?
If you're not willing to fix this, then it is best that you don't have romantic relationships with other people. You'll end up hurting them.
Let me ask you this: Do you believe in hate? If you do, how can you not believe in love? One can not exist without its opposite.
Don't be so scared. Relax. It's okay to give it all and be hurt. It's all apart of living and growing. Even then, you may not end up getting hurt and finding something amazing.
i felt the same! i've been in relationships that ended painfully before no matter how rosy at the outset, and i recently started dating an older guy... at first i would get depressed occasionally thinking about how it might end, but now i'm just like, why not enjoy the ride? you shouldn't be thinking about the end at the beginning :) otherwise it might turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy
Question: Do you enjoy being a commitment-phobe and do you intend on staying this way?
If yes, why bother with this relationship?
If no, talk to him and see if he can help you out.
first off - you have too much doubts about yourself.
I have the same feelings. (I don't want to marry or have kids)
* first off, what do you want from a relationship?
do you just want a meaningless sex filled relationship? if so, date someone who also wants this.
do you have abandonment issues? a history of abuse? an abusive father/father figure or parents? a stressful family?
do you want a r-ship, but fear that he will leave you?
or do you just not enjoy being vunerable?
you complain about being in a r-ship, and yet you have stayed. you're a commitment phobe, and this is your 2nd relationship.
Do you see it as a waste of time, that's a question to think about.
Don't worry, your not alone with feeling like this. I too also worry about what it'll be like when it ends and how long it'll last b/c I always feel like the end is near. I'm 23 and I have been in 1 serious relationship. I have issues with commitment b/c I'm scared of getting hurt and I'm always thinking about how it'll end and whatnot so I can prepare myself so to speak. But, if this relationship is working right now--don't pull out. Its hard to be ok in relationships and it takes being in them and practice to get used to them. At least thats what I'm attempting to do. Good Luck.
I think it's normal for young women now-a-days to feel this way. Hell, I'm not even out of high school and unlike most girls/friends who're dating and falling in love/having relationships with every boy whose crushin on them or me, I don't do a thing about it. Because I'm not like most girls. People like us have seen the darker side of relationships. I'm not saying I don't believe in happy endings, because I truly do. But there's a time for everything. And there's also a reason for everything which means that if you feel it's not right, then it's not right. If you're not ready, then you're not. Which is why I don't commit to anyone until I myself am ready. I constantly think of how things will end between me and a guy, even if we're not in a relationship (boyfriend and girlfriend). Even if it's just long term flirting, I'm constantly thinking of how it'll end instead of "where it'll go from here". But that's because I understand the way I work. And as long as you understand the way you work, then you have to trust your gut feeling. If you know you're not ready for a guy who is, then maybe it is better to end it.
I think you need to break off this relationship and concentrate on yourself and figure out why you're such a commitment phobe. Otherwise, it's not fair to lead others on when you feel eternaly doomed.
It sounds like you're wasting his time.
I agree with Toxic. If someone is scared of commitment and doesn't believe in love lasting forever, they have no business being in a relationship.
It's a little bit like a paradox--You obviously don't have to be scared of commitment, because your pessimism is keeping that from happening. And your pessimism comes from being afraid of commitment, and so on...
I think you should talk to your boyfriend about your insecurities--he deserves to know. If he wants to be with you, he'll do whatever he can to help you, which may include breaking up if you need that time alone. If I were him I wouldn't want to be kept in the dark about something like this.
I used to think that I was reluctant to commit as well, but then I found out later that I was simply involved with the wrong guys for the wrong reasons. It's possible that this guy you're dating isn't the right one for you if he can't make you throw out your fears. BUT it seems more likely that it's an issue with yourself, not him.
I know you haven't told us much in such a short post, but you said that he's a "great guy," and then you said that he's done a lot of things for YOU. I think your "phobia" (more like an insecurity) is out of selfishness. Is there anything else about him besides being "great"? Do you ever feel like doing things for HIM? Your being scared of commitment might be because you're thinking about yourself and how YOU feel and what YOU want. I'm not saying we're not allowed to think about those things (because obviously it's necessary to do so) but in my opinion, you know there's something special there when making your boyfriend happy is more important than your own fears.
That being said, it's good that you addressed this issue, and I hope you and your boyfriend can deal with it. Good luck.
i think its normal. that's the feeling you get when you have experienced only a few relationships. for me, i use to be like that in my first relationship. then near the second one, i guess you can say, things have shaped me to the point where i am a strong person and can handle anything.
i don't think you should worry! what if he's thinking the same thing too? after a while you'll get use to the relationship and wouldn't be thinking about these things. you'll learn to trust that everything is going to be okay.
don't end it for those reasons. and you can't really predict when a relationship is going to end. you just have to go on with it & live with it. don't worry about it and have fun during this time that you have with him!
unless you have some long term goals, live for the moment.