Wednesday, 24 December 2008
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Dear Fiancé, Am I Not Special Enough?
This is a guest blog submitted by Eva.
My boyfriend of eight years proposed to me a few days ago and naturally, I said yes. We've been in a lengthy long distance relationship for about 7 years, with him living in France and me in the US. Last year, he moved to the US and I moved in with him. We will get married after I finish medical school.The thing is, I feel I am not as special as his ex-girlfriends.
Once, I asked him what dealbreakers would make him break up with me. He said several things, all of which anyone could understand as potential issues leading to a break-up. Some of the things that he did mention, though, are what his ex-girlfriends have done to him. However, he never broke up with them. His girlfriends are the ones that broke up with him because they eventually fell out of love with him and ended up liking someone else. Knowing him, he wouldn't be the one to end things. So if his exes hadn't broken up with him, would we even be together right now?
Even though he says I am tons better than his ex-girlfriends and that he loves me more than I could know, I just don't think I am any more special than his previous girlfriends. For example, he tells me the same things that I know he's told his exes. He also tells me the things he used to tell his female best friend when they were close friends (and she said the same things back, by the way), such as "you look so cuuuuuuuuute and amazing and wonderful and beautiful my dear." I know he moved here to the US to be with me and his father (his dad lives in the US), but when his father moved to the US, he was with one of his exes and chose not to follow his father. So does the moving bit really make me that much more special than his previous girlfriends? Because if one of his exes had moved to the US, he would most likely follow suit.
When I was a teenager I had a dream that I would have a guy who would love me DEARLY. In this dream, if I were to leave my boyfriend, he would beg me not to go and tell me that I'm the only one he could ever think of being with (does this sound familiar...from books/TV/movies perhaps?). To me, THAT makes me feel special. The fact that he'd let go of his pride to tell me that I am the only one and beg me not to go - that is an example of what would make me feel special. But, I remember having a fight a year ago with my now-fiance where we had a bit of trouble and I told him it might be good if we broke up. He said "okay, but you do realize that we won't keep contact after that?" That was a big sucker punch to me. Am I not special enough that he could just cut all ties with me just like that? After ALL that we have been through together? After he's told me he loves me SO much and how we've talked about the names of our future kids, what kind of furniture will be in our apartment, what kind of food we'd make for dinner... It just really hurt me.
But don't get me wrong! He's not cold-hearted in the least. He's extremely warm, affectionate, loving, understanding, and beautiful in every way possible. It's just that if I am to marry someone, I want that person to make me feel that I can't be replaced, that I am special, more than any other girl he knows. I know just by marrying me, that it should be obvious that I am special enough, but like I implied before, he could have just have married one of his exes had they not broken up with him. Help, am I being too much of a drama queen? Or am I not wrong to feel this way?
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Comments (96)
Wow...I felt the EXACT same way when my boyfriend proposed. We're happily married now but man, our engagement period was hard because I didn't feel as special.
I could write a novel but it comes down to this - he proposed to YOU. That makes you more special than anyone else in his life. :)
The feelings are totally normal too. Just look at that ring and remember he loves YOU now, and no one else.
I think whats you are thinking is definitely valid. I also think its important that you know he loves you the most and it is shown by his actions towards you and you have to know that he is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. :)
Once you have decided, don't ponder anymore and trust god in all this
Sweetie, if a boy loves you enough to suggest marrying you, and to PUT A RING ON THAT, he loves you.
Take a deep breath, let it out, and realize that you're probably going a little nut-zo, and that the holiday season will be over soon, and everything will be normal again.
I know it may not sound like it but the issue isn't you. It's him. He needs to learn that no two people are alike, so if he's comparing, just ask him not to, because you are your own person and that's the reason why he loves you in the first place. But in retrospect. You have to understand that if you and him ever did break up, him not wanting to speak to you would be a defense mechanism for him. Guys don't deal with pain the way women do, we cry over it, eat ice cream, bitch to our friends. They sort of keep it inside and cut it off so they don't have to feel it. That may involve either turning the ex into a bitch in their minds to lessen the pain of the break up or never contacting them again. You know, out of sight, out of mind. Love doesn't work out like the books but in a way it is better. So don't expect him to beg you to stay if you decide to leave, that might not be how he is. And he might love you so much that if he knew for sure that you were going to be happier without him, he'd let you go. That's what love is about.
Has he proved to you already in some other way he can break out of his pride for you sometime in those 8 years? I'm sure he has, just try to think of times when he has even if it's not in ways you were expecting.
Min
I'd bring all this up with him. Honestly, I think he's the one you need to ask.
&&you probably are just being a huge drama queen, but I'd feel the same way. I think you have a right to feel this way.
He could have married his ex gfs had they not broken up with him... but the thing is that, he's not. He's not marrying them or going to marry them. He wants to marry you. I don't think it's good for you to compare yourself to his ex girlfriends, and hopefully you will see that you can't make someone marry you if they don't want to. I really think if he didn't want to marry you, he would have either left you or wouldn't ask you marry him in the first place.
But on the other hand, if you really feel he is not giving you enough attention, then you shouldn't settle and seek what you want/need. Good luck to you. ;)
First, congrats on your engagement
I can understand the security issues when it comes to being with someone that has a few exes in his past. But that's exactly it--they're in the past, and you don't want to make yourself suffer by bringing up the past. This is the present, and right now YOU are the one he loves, and by proposing he is telling you that YOU are the one that he wants to love in the future and until death do you part.
I wish you two the best :)
If with each consecutive girlfriend, a guy had to be even awesomer and do/say even more special things, how is that sustainable? Especially if he is already giving 100% every time?
Also, you are distraught that he didn't fight for you and cry and tear out his hair during the almost-breakup talk. Well guess who actually suggested the breakup? It wasn't him. I mean, how do you think he feels?!!
You said: "He's extremely warm, affectionate, loving, understanding, and beautiful in every way possible."
You said that he says: "I am tons better than his ex-girlfriends and that he loves me more than I could know."
Add to this: "He wants to marry you."
What's wrong with him consistently giving 100% and hoping to God that the next great girl (i.e. you) doesn't leave him? He's had great ex-es, but there is only one person who got the ring. That's you.
Appreciate what you have. He certainly does. Why can't you?
congratulations on your engagement!!
i think you have a right to feel that way, but i don't think it's as serious an issue as you think. he stayed with you for 7 years and he proposed. to you.Maybe he wanted to cut all ties with you if you two broke up (during that one time) because it'll probably hurt him to keep in contact with you. Ever thought about that?
It isn't good to compare yourself to his ex-girlfriends. You are the one he chose to marry. You just need to get over this and look forward toward the future with him. Maybe he won't or you hadn't seen how he made you feel special but look forward. I'm pretty sure he'll do something that will blow your mind.
i think these words could be better used going through his ears then aimlessly floating on net.
talk to him about it. he's honest with you and that's a hard trait to find. men don't just put a ring on your finger for the hell of it.
do not try to feel concern about that~
just remember that he is in love with you now ^0^
___PASS BY (I have just found you add me as a friend ,Nice to meet you ^^)
This is definitely something to talk to him about.
However, he never proposed to his other girlfriends. And so what if he said the same cutesy phrases to his other girlfriends? People tend to stick with the same phrases about anything.
(If it helps at all, my boyfriend of a year and nine months broke up with me last summer, but just because he was the one to do the breaking up doesn't mean that I'm not over him! I'm 100% glad we're over.)
You're putting too much thought into things, and it seems like you're putting in the wrong thought in general. What's with your negativity? He's not with his ex girlfriends, is he? No, he's with you. He obviously loves you, otherwise he wouldn't have proposed.
In the past eight years of you two being together, you were obviously special to him. I mean, come on. If you weren't special, he could have found a wonderful girl in France rather than moving to the US.
If a guy is in a ton of relationships, it's natural for him to use some of the same phrases. Honestly, I'd find it hard to make up different phrases for everyone if I were to be in a serious relationship with over five people. It's unfair to be upset just because he cared about other people before you.
He's marrying you. NOTHING is going wrong. You have nothing to worry about until something actually goes wrong; and you being so panicked right now isn't doing you any good. If he were to move back to France for another woman, you'd have a problem. But he's not doing that.
You were the one who suggested a break up, also. I figure that hurt his feelings. So, you hurt him.. and expect him to be a knight in shining armor? It doesn't even work that way in fairy tales, so you can't expect it to happen like that in real life. If someone suggests "I think maybe us breaking up is a good idea." to me, I'm damn sure not going to plead with them and say "Baby please, I need you!" Come onnnn.
CONGRATS! I am in a long distance relationship with a frenchman too. I think that is how they deal when confronted with such a problem. I love my boyfriend but I can't ever imagine chasing after my boyfriend if he just broke up with me out of nowhere. Talking to him would be so hard because I would resent the fact that he was so callous about my feelings. Different people deal differently.
If you are feeling such anxiety, you need to ask him. But I am not so sure if I really understand your examples. The bottom line is that he moved to the US, no? What else would he have to do in order to prove he wanted to be with you? The fact that he didnt move to follow his father when he was with his ex's show that he probably moved across the ocean not because of his father (at least not the major reason) but due to you. The fact that he says the so-called same sweeet stuff might be stretching it a little because the people he said it to were people he loved. So he isnt a little more creative, not many guys are. But the fact of the matter is, he is with you for 7 years. There isn't any sane person who would stay with someone for 7 long years just because the other girl would not break up with him. That is just stretching the line a bit?
Tell him your problem. Treat him with the same regard. Make him feel special. See what happens. But please do not break up with him beforehand.
here's one thing he never did with his exes: he proposed.
at the end of it all, they may have been his first loves, but you are his last and his only.
and why are you bringing up his past girlfriends? they aren't in your relationship; they need to stay in the past!
good luck!
I think you need to stop comparing yourself to his ex-gfs and their situations with him. You're the one with the ring on the finger. From your post, I get the sense that you're kind of insecure and need validation that someone really loves you to feel secure, hence your fantasy. And you write about all the lovely little things you guys do discuss, and have between you, so just focus on that. Love doesn't need to be proven by a big dramatic action.
ok yes you are being a drama queen. stop all the comparing. measure your relationship by you and him, not by all of the extraneous information.
Wow...you think way too much.
His exes are in the past so leave it that way. If you keep bothering him with this stuff, it may drive you both nuts (especially you). He's not marrying any of his exes is he? No, he's marrying you, so just live in the present and forget about the past, or his past relationships at least.
I'd give you a diagnosis and that would be...insecurity. Chill out and stop the comparison.
These types of situations are hard to judge because we can't see how he treats you and we don't know you at all. But...speaking from the point of view of your fiance (because I can relate), maybe now that he is not with any of his exes, he's realized that those dealbreakers are things that he's decided he can no longer put up with. I can totally see where your fiance is coming from, so maybe I can offer a bit of insight.
I was with a guy for 3 years and it was sweet and rosy for maybe the first year and a half. But in our relationship there were what were supposed to be definate dealbreakers. He hit me (even once...automatic dealbreaker). He also let every little thing bug him and he was extremely sensitive to every negative comment or even every bit of constructive criticism. If something didn't go his way...the rest of the day or sometimes even the week was ruined. He was constantly in a bad mood and would take it out on me. There were a lot of other issues that I could mention, but I want to make this as short as possible. These dealbreakers didn't matter to me at the time because I once thought that if you loved someone so much (which I thought I did), then you stick by them through anything. Problem is, I sacrificed my happiness in the process. One day he decided he didn't love me anymore and I was replaced within the month. That was it. I was forced to move on just like that, which eventually, I did. Now I'm with a much calmer, sweeter, and loving boyfriend who doesn't get angry at every little thing. I've recognized in him, all the things that I have always wanted from a boyfriend, but was too blind to realize. I should have said goodbye to my ex, but I know that if he didn't break up with me, we would still be dating and I would be miserable. I don't know that I would have snapped out of it and seen that my ex was not right for me at all. We talked about getting married, kids, where we would live, all of that shit. I honestly thought he was the one.
But maybe your fiance sees all of the things that he wants out of a significant other, in you. His exes may have been good girlfriends initially, but over time things fell apart with them. Even though he didn't do the dumping, maybe he realized after it was done that,
All right honey, you have to stop this. They are exes for a reason, and those dealbreakers he gave were probably because of the crap those girls pulled on him. If you weren't special to him, he wouldn't have proposed. And you're at least as special as the other girls because he moved to the US to be with you. He may have stayed to be with his ex, but then he moved for you. That's better than simply staying for someone--he uprooted his life to come to you. He wants to spend the rest of his life with you. But the more you stress about this and the more you let it come between you two, the worse things will be. Don't push him away because you're feeling insecure. Forget about the other girls and focus on the fact that you're the one he chose--not them. you're the special one with the ring on her finger...not his exes.
-Katie
he doesnt feel like strong with you as with other females.
I'm sorry dear, but you are expecting way, WAY too much. Keep in mind that no relationship is ever going to be perfect. If he is already all the positive things that you listed, why do you always have to keep poking and poking? If you keep up this "I'm not special" mentality, you will never be happy and you will never "find that one guy." Be happy with with joy he brings you already.