Wednesday, 24 December 2008
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Follow-Up: His GF Is Telling Me to Back Off
I've seen quite a few follow-up posts lately, so I figured I'd offer mine. About a month ago I sent in this submission:After considering the range of feedback I got, I decided to swallow my pride and give my ex and his girlfriend their space. Even though she blatantly disrespected mine while I was still with him and even though her possessiveness was clearly hypocritical, I decided that I could be the bigger person. I could even feel sympathy for this Facebook terrorist; I suppose I'd be suspicious, too, if my boyfriend's ex came into the picture all of a sudden. So, I decided to back off and not insist on a friendship with my ex. I decided that that wasn't my place.
And then something interesting happened. Apparently, he read the post, because he asked me if I had written it. (I didn't even know that he read Datingish.)
So what was I supposed to do then? I didn't know if he was going to believe me anyway - maybe he would have thought that I was lying if I confessed that it was me. But if he believed me, he might have had reason to break up with his girlfriend. But then I would forever be held responsible as part of the reason they broke up.
If he ever second-guessed that decision, he could also blame me for meddling. I remembered another situation from years ago, when I had told a guy friend (we hadn't ever dated, but were pretty close friends) that I thought his girlfriend was cheating on him. Even though my suspicions turned out to be true, and even though he did end up breaking up with her, and even though he should have been glad that I had his back, he ended up totally estranging himself from me. Maybe he wished that I never told him. Maybe some people just can't handle it when other people, even friends, interfere with their love lives.
So, after weighing out all the possible outcomes of this situation, I lied to my ex and told him that I didn't write the post. He believed me. He's still dating the girl. She apparently hasn't done anything psycho in front of him to warrant his suspicions. And maybe he's even in love with her now, so some psycho behavior might not even matter to him anymore. I've stopped initiating contact with him, but I do respond on the rare occasion that he contacts me. Those interactions are friendly enough, but we're not friends. There is something sad about that, but I'm able to accept it.
I sometimes wonder if I should have been honest with my ex about his girlfriend's behavior. But I'm sure that I would have had nothing to gain in coming between my ex and his girlfriend. I think I did the right thing.
But still, this whole experience has made me realize that I don't know what to do when a friend (especially a guy friend) is dating someone who is interfering with our friendship. Does the girlfriend card trump the friend card? Are there some things that we can't be honest about when it comes to our friends? Is it better to just let certain friendships (such as one with an ex) go? Have any of you experienced being in this kind of tricky position?
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Comments (44)
My boyfriend's ex actually sent me a message over facebook, saying that I shouldn't be "scared" of her. Hah. She thought I felt threatened by her because I wouldn't talk to her. Why would I talk to my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend; I never talked to her before in my life, so why would I start now? Although she tried to win him back on multiple occasions, I do not feel threatened or "scared" of her. My boyfriend ended up deleting his facebook account recently because his ex (among other random stalkers) kept trying to contact him. I've come to the conclusion that facebook is ruining peoples' lives, nevermind relationships.
Get. Over. It. Seriously, back the fuck off. It isn't your place, so stop involving yourself in their lives.
you do realize that there's a chance he'll read this?
Or was that in your mind while writing the follow up?
Honestly, it's hard sometimes, because she's obviously worth more to him, but you're right. When that happens to me, I generally just back off and wait until the guy isn't in that relationship anymore, then we resume our friendship until the next crazy GF comes along.
@silence_of_words@xanga - haha! so true.
I would just back off. You don't want drama.
I guess he would have to see her behavior unfold first, then he'll realize it. Until then, I'd step out into the sidelines.
wow. you're overanalyzing this whole thing.
since when is he supposed to put his realtionships with an ex-girlfriend above his relationship with his current girlfriend. is he supposed to care more for you than he does for her? he's choosing to be with her, not with you.
girlfriend card trumps friend card.
it seems like you're holding on way too strong, sister.
and by spilling your thought all over datingish again, are you just begging to have him know about what you're thinking? seems mighty passive aggressive.
back off. it isn't your business anymore. he's done with you. get over it. it's the best thing you could ever do.
Indeed, it's over and done. I say move on! You're only making yourself look bad, even if it's not evident. Regardless of what you think of his "NOW" girlfriend, that's merely an opinion and gives you no right nor reason to voice these opinions to him. Don't get in the middle. Tides have changed. Time to let it go. Imagine an ex trying to get in the middle of a relationship you were or will be in? I'm sure you wouldn't like it. "Being the bigger person" means moving on with your life and not interfering with other peoples!
@silence_of_words@xanga - Totally agreed.
I think you have the right intentions. But still, lying wasn't necessary--you should have just told him the truth and explain to him that you wanted to give him and his girlfriend space. If he refuses, just insist on it and leave it at that. That'll make him decide what's more important to him, his friendship with you or his relationship with his girlfriend.
I can't say I'm in the same situation, though. Despite that this guy really considers me to be a close friend, it's too hard for me to deal with the fact that he has a girlfriend (an ex that he broke up and reunited with with me being somewhat of a rebound in the middle of all that). His girlfriend doesn't know me, hasn't met me, and probably doesn't even know that I'm still around. And though she probably wouldn't mind if he and I were still friends, I can't deal with it. Even though it shouldn't be this way, somehow the girlfriend card does trump the friendship card. Until I can fill the void, I feel that I have to stay away from him.
So wait, you lied to your ex about being the one who posted that blog?
Won't he read this entry? Are you gonna lie about this one, too?
It's time to move on.
So wait, you lied to your ex about being the one who posted that blog?
Won't he read this entry? Are you gonna lie about this one, too?
It's time to move on.
why do you want to get in between someone's relationship? Especially your exes?
If she wants to be your friend and ALLOW you to talk to her bf, your ex....let her be the one to contact you. He's HER's now.
You can wait them out and when theyre no longer together..you can have him back but till then.......move on, my goodness. A little pathetic, dont you think?
My ex is one of my best friends, but that only works sometimes.. You can harass him, you can send secret messages, you can shake his entire world, but fact being fact, keep voicing your opinion about his girlfriend around him, he's gonna dump you, not her.
When it comes to exes, you can only give dating advice when they ask for it.. And you can never tell them how awful their current is. Your opinion may mean a lot to them, however they broke up with you for a reason...
I'm all for the closeness, but your opinion no longer matters when it comes to love dear, so I suggest you let that door slam in your face before you start to look like a real ass.
Wow, people are harsh on you, huh? I think it's weird that you would be confessing this here, esp. since your ex could be reading it. But I can understand how exes can totally mess you up. And it sounds like this one is. He prolly asked you if you wrote it in the first place because he IS feeling doubts about his new gf. I mean, if he really trusted her, it wouldn't even occur to him that she could be facebook terrorizing you, huh? (Great phrase, btw.) Plus, HE keeps initiating contact, so he keeps reeling you in. You've taken the first step to back off. Maybe now you need to just cut all ties. Maybe he'll take the hint with this post!
Well, i know you meant well or want to mean well by teling him, but have u wondered what will happen if you told him that? is it in your place to do so anymore? Maybe u can consider that. I always ask myself before i do something now, ' is it in my place' to do anything..trust me when i ask that of myself, i know i should not ever do that or think of doing that.
Some of you guys are kinda harsh on this one, ouch lol.
Although I do have to agree that it's mighty fishy that you would write in again when there's a chance the ex could be reading this.
Neh.
Hm.
I would of told the truth if I ever wrote a blog and my ex saw and asked me about it. When you lie, you have to keep lying to cover up the previous one (s). Plus, that blog was not a bashing blog towards his girlfriend now but more of a "what should I do?" sort of blog.
But since you LIED about it, move on and don't make such a big deal about it. It's out of your hands now.
You realize that he's on to you about the original post... so you submit another... that'll make it even more clear to him? o.O Honestly, I would have done totally different things from what you did. I wouldn't have actually befriended him, most likely. Because.. being friends with an ex isn't something that a new SO appreciates. It just isn't. That girl sounds like one of the more over-the-top ones, so naturally she doesn't like that idea. Yes, it probably is because she's self conscious; but still.
I agree with just about everyone else.
Though if I had been in your situation I would have asked her to leave me alone, and I would have done so politely. I wouldn't have lied about the post, because lying sucks. So on and so forth.
He may end up reading this post too.
Everyone is saying back off and being blunt about it (as if others don't have feelings that you can be brutally honest, fucking people) but if you were looking for a friendship with him and the ex crossed the line, friends tell each other things and are honest with each other. They may be bitter about it, but at least you did the right thing and didn't have to live with what if's. What if she turns out to be a real psycho and you could have stopped it earlier on?
i loved the men i used to date before. lol. but EXEs should know their limits, if both of you already ended the relationship so why do you insist on even being friend with your ex? i have a belief that whoever makes a step to befriend to their exes has 2 plans. either they wanna patch things up or "they just wanna show how good he/she really is for him/her to loose her/him"
i understand your EX BFs girlfriend reaction though. if my bf is just friends with his past, its ok. but when they just being so close friends with each other THAT is a NO NO...
give them RESPECT
i can understand where you're coming from. and people on here are blunt and self-righteous, and don't seem to take into consideration that never once did you indicate you wanted to meddle (in fact you said you didn't want to) and that it's just hard.
i haven't had this precise situation with an ex, but someone who was kind of an almost-thing. back and forth for 7 years, i liked him and he gave ambiguous and lame reasons for not being able to date me, etc. and for the last 4 years, he's been leaning on me emotionally and just overall sucking the life from me...making my current relationship strained at times because the lines between friends and more was always a bit blurred (as it is once you decide to try and be friends with an ex). and suddenly he gets a girlfriend and suddenly he stops talking to me, when he seriously used to talk to me for hours each day.i can understand that it's hard to determine a course of (in)action, because you want the closeness, but you don't want to make their life harder. the point of the matter is that girlfriend card doesn't trump friend card. this guy is a big boy, and can choose his friends (even if they include an ex or two) without his gf having a hissy fit about it. any girl that doesn't trust her boyfriend enough and wants to make HIM choose...isn't a great girlfriend, honestly. i would make sure to really examine your feelings for this guy and make sure you don't still love him (because it can motivate us even if we don't know it). and if you're over him and are legit looking for a relationship, play it cool. be his friend. don't go overboard contacting him-but if he's contacting you, obviously this friendship is important to him. let him handle his girlfriend. be the bigger person by being civil to her and being a good friend to him. if it causes a problem in their relationship, it's his decision to make. and a shitty girlfriend (or friend) will make him choose, or make him feel like he has to. regardless of how you feel about her, respect her, but respect what he wants. don't rob him of a mutually sought out friendship because you think it's what he wants. they deserve to have a good relationship, but you don't have to be robbed of a friendship in order for that to happen (and yes, xangans, its possible to be friends with an ex. you're all so cynical).in conclusion, just be yourself, be his friend if you guys want that and it makes you happy. ignore the emails and rise above and be civil. and if it's going to cause that huge of a problem between them, let him make the call. don't let anyone bully you out of a friendship, especially if your intentions are innocent. let your friendship with him be your priority, and his relationship with his gf be theirs. and don't listen to the harsh criticism of strangers who know nothing about you or your situation. follow your feelings-they won't lead you astray.good luck with everything-i hope it works out for the best.@silence_of_words@xanga - haha i was thinking that too. the writer of the post seems intelligent, so i would say...YES that did enter into her mind. Especially since the original submission was linked to this post...
Does the girlfriend card trump the friend card?Â
Usually, yes. And a DEFINITE yes if the friend is an ex-partner.
Are there some things that we can't be honest about when it comes to our friends?
Depends on your friend and if they can handle and appreciate your honesty. I don't know what telling your ex about his gf's actions will help, so good call on not telling him. If she's psycho, he will find out for himself and that is wayyyyy better proof having an ex-partner (i.e. you) slam his new gf.
Is it better to just let certain friendships (such as one with an ex) go?Â
Yes. And more importantly, in your case, YES.
You say: "I don't know what to do when a friend (especially a guy friend) is dating someone who is interfering with our friendship." But you seem to forget at times in your post that he's not simply a friend, he's an EX. It makes it a million times more complicated. So yeah, keep doing what you're doing, which is backing off and respecting their space.
What was the point of 'lying' if you were going to write a follow up? He'll probably read this, too.
I feel like you're immature and just don't want to let this guy go. If you wanted to be the bigger person, this post wouldn't have been written. Thank you and goodnight.
yea i have to agree with the others, its time to move on. he has a new gf and a new life/existence. you should def move on and let him go.u are thinking of him a bit too much.