This is a guest blog submitted by exquisitely_sandy. Twice this month, I've been reminded that I won't be finished with my PhD until I'm about 30 years old. Once reminded by my aunt, once by a total stranger at the laundromat. Both reminded me that it's frowned upon to be a 30-year-old unmarried woman. My favorite "words of wisdom" came from my aunt: "Well, at least you look young. Maybe you'll still find someone by then!" Yes, she really said it. She stabbed my heart with those sharp words. It's no surprise, though.
When I got accepted to my program and realized how long my doctoral studies would take, I knew I would be entangled in a web of external pressures to start thinking about settling down. I knew the first thought in most everyone's mind was, "But, that will interfere with getting married and having children!" It's unfortunate that the first thought couldn't have been, "WOW, she has accomplished so much! She's making such a great life for herself all on her own!" Nope. That would've only contradicted generations of patriarchy's goal to chain my ankles to the kitchen, having one hand feeding my son and the other ironing my husband's shirt, given that the chain would be long enough for me to do so, of course.
Before I get everyone all riled up and start getting verbal attacks of being a "man-hating feminist", let me first say that feminism is NOT a women's issue. Plenty of men out there are feminists. Plenty of men do not agree with patriarchy. So, I don't hate on men. I like men. In fact, I love men. Plain and simple. Secondly, I am by no means saying that a woman who stays at home is not pro-feminism. I think that taking on the responsibility of caring for an entire household is not just a responsibility but, an actual job. A job that gets overlooked. A job that society doesn't give enough credit to. What does piss me off is the notion that this job is naturally a woman's job. Now that all of that is cleared up, I shall digress...
Back to my unmarried life. Yes, I am twenty-four years old and unmarried.
Looking through my MySpace and Facebook, I can easily estimate that at least half of my friends/classmates from high school are engaged or married. To be completely honest, I am a bit jealous. We all know that relationships are never what they appear to be from an outside view. Hell, marriage doesn't even always equate to love. What those women have isn't necessarily what I need anyway. I guess what I'm tasting is a bitter concoction of frustration, impatience, yearning and fear within myself. I don't envy them because no couple in this world has what I want - a life shared between myself and someone I truly love completely. A man who reciprocates that love to me unconditionally, the way I need him to.
When my most recent ex and I broke up, with mascara-y tears in my eyes, I said to him, "I just wish there was someone who could just love me the way I am, no matter what, and would do absolutely anything for me." The pivotal moment when I realized we didn't have the same definition of love came when he replied, "Well, you're not going to find that by this age." Bullshit.
In retrospect, I feel sorry for him. How could he settle for anything less? Maybe a lot of people don't think that this kind of love exists but, I've decided that I won't settle for anything less, that's for damn sure. Not only do I now believe this exists, but I know I deserve it. I finally know I deserve it because I now understand what I'm worth. So, sure, Disney has done us a disservice by brainwashing us into this warped idea of what love is, but do we really not believe in real unconditional love anymore? A love where your partner respects who you are and supports your growth, however you see fit? Supporting you rather than feeling threatened by your empowerment?
Are we all settling because of this stupid timeline that decrees you a failure if you're not married by 30? Of course, love itself is relative to culture and differs from person to person, but are we really that uncomfortable with being unmarried? Why is it so horrible to live your life and better yourself in every way possible and just let love come to you? Why are we searching "out there" for someone to love us when love is already within ourselves? I would be lying if I said I don't enjoy companionship, but what is it that makes me need someone else? I don't believe a man would "complete" me. I believe I complete me...but then why do I long for someone else to validate me?
I have all these crazy questions and thoughts in my head. I suppose that's where my concoction begins to brew. I'm frustrated because I want the external voices to stop. I'm impatient to experience my idea of love. I yearn to experience truly loving someone completely. And I fear that by wanting Mr. Right to propose to me means that I am stunting my growth as an individual. A few months ago, I started seeing this really amazing guy. Why can't I just leave it at that? Why am I already feeling like I could fall in love with this guy? Why do I already wonder what we'll decide to do post-doc? Why can't I just focus on becoming the best person I can be?
If I do fall in love and get married, I want to be a complete person. I want to be someone's partner, not his dependent. I suppose what I want right now is to truly believe that I could stand strong on my own. I want to truly believe that the ultimate love is a love that I already possess. A love that's been there all along, amidst all the past boyfriends and dating scenes: self-love - the ultimate love.
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Comments (86)
life is much better without them. besides... it's hard to be really happy in a relationship if you're not happy with yourself. but it's easy to pretend if all the romance is there.
many of my colleagues have gotten divorced within a year of marriage despite having dated each other for years. you have to be comfortable with yourself and on your own before you can truly appreciate the joys of being with the right person.
don't fret. 30 is not as old as it seems. and you've still got tons of time.
i relate to this so much. i'm 23 and about halfway through my master's -- by the way, major props to you for keeping your education going. there's so much pressure to get married and have kids, and i totally want to, but i just refuse to settle for less than what i deserve, and i haven't found it yet. i mean, you're only 24, it's not like the clock is ticking too loudly yet. even at 30, you'll still be young and extremely successful, as well as someone who refuses to settle -- a total catch. :) hang in there.
People are usually uncomfortable because it is not of the norm. People expect everyone to be the same, do the same things, live the same lives. People think that because I'm Chinese that I'm going to become a scientist, an engineer, a doctor, a lawyer . . . nope. How about . . . an art student? Hahahaha.
But it isn't really what people think. It's really more of what you believe you wanna do to make yourself happy. I have a friend who is 27 and she's still single and still going to school. And she has no intention of being tied down anytime soon because she's happy where she is right now. So you're not alone out there. If they give you some whine, throw cheese in their faces.
i totally agree with you.
although i'm still young, i always planned on getting married AFTER grad school. Good for you, you're contributing to society with your studies. My sister is 28 and single, and oyu know what? she's awesome - taught in kyrgyzstan for a year, volunteers, and is getting 2 masters degrees. And the majority of her friends are like her too.
Such women should be ADMIRED by society.
i agree with you in that a girl should not settle for anything less than the best. but i also hold that a girl should be able to live up to the expectations she holds for her future man. it takes two to make a relationship, and there must a equal balance of compromise on both sides.
and just fyi, in modern asian culture, 30 is quite an appropriate age for marriage. any sooner is viewed as too young.:)
I feel the same way -- I feel like you've taken the words out of my mouth. I'm also 24 and feel like I'm seen as a "spinster" already, based on the pressure around me.
"I want to be someone's partner, not his dependent." I agree completely. Couples need to be self sustaining before dependent. I REFUSE to settle like so many others seem to do, and I don't want to rely on a relationship to complete me. I want to be complete & independent first.
Thanks for the post. It's great to hear someone sharing these feelings.
I think it's great that you're continuing with your education. I don't think you should settle for less. We shouldn't. From my own experience, I've lived my life the way that I want to. If I happen to meet the right person along the way then great!. If not, then it isn't the end of the world. There's nothing wrong with being single at 30. As long as you are happy with yourself, I think that's the most important thing.
@laytexduckie@xanga -
Agreed. While some people think that everyone should have and live the same lives and anything of the sort, that is not so likely in real life. People are different, and therefore, that leads them to want to live their lives the way they want. Not everyone wants to be married at 20.
I used to be quite depressed back then because the women who were my age in my church were getting married like crazy, and since I did not have a boyfriend at the time, that made me feel quite uneasy and a tad bit sad. But now, I couldn't care less, because I am focusing more on my education and getting into graduate school than love, although I am currently in a long distance relationship.
If someone wants to be married in her twenties, then that is their choice, and there is nothing wrong with it. But if someone else wants to get an education and be single for the time being, then that's fine too. As long as one is happy with what they're doing in their lives, they shouldn't care what people think.
amen. I've been thinking the same things lately. 24 and unmarried, it can be tough not to give into the pressure when everyone is getting married around you. I just want to be a better person so I have great things to offer when it is time.
"few months ago, I started seeing this really amazing guy. Why can't I
just leave it at that? Why am I already feeling like I could fall in
love with this guy? Why do I already wonder what we'll decide to do
post-doc? Why can't I just focus on becoming the best person I can be?"
this stuck a cord with me. my boyfriend and i have been together for 6 months and we're graduating college in another 6 months...so i continually think about what we're going to do after graduation....i love him, could i marry him? could i spend the rest of my life with him? could i have kids with him?...i'm 21, i'm way to young to think about these things, i still have graduate school to go to...but because we are in a relationship and are graduating college, there's a wholw new emphasis on our relationship...
This confuses me. 24 is young. little early to start buying plants and talking to your cats. and isn't this the sex and the city generation? women i know don't get married until their 30's. in the circles i travel, your doctorate, depending on the educational institution and career prospects, would make you a relatively hotter prospect. young, ambitious, educated, liberal men aren't looking for housewives. we want partners who can match our force of wills and challenge us to become something more. someone who can inspire us with their own aspirations. or at a minimum, has a compatable resume. maybe you're taking your societal cues from the wrong elements of society.
Why is Society so hung up on marriage?!
It's 2008, almost 2009...move on! Marriage is only good when it's with the right person and for the right reasons, not forced or anything of that sort. *rolls eyes*
I'm in my mid-20's and my parents have been nagging at me since I finished college a few years ago about getting married and giving them grandkids. I feel that they are being so selfish and unreasonable about it. I have emotions, needs and wants, and they don't include a 'random marriage' to just some anyone and popping out kids. In my world (and mind) it doesn't work that way. I have things to do--have a good job, pay bills, make a dent in the mortgage and car payments, and have a good relationship with a boyfriend before I can even consider anything else.
My mother said this to me recently..."I wish you'd just find a nice boyfriend and stop breaking up with him, and just get married." So...you want me to get married, discover I am miserable with him anyway, and have to go through a divorce instead?!?!
Women in Doctoral programs are so hot. Women with Doctorates are hotter. And women who won't accept anything less than unconditional reciprocal love because they know they deserve no less are way hot. I honestly don't know what society you are living in, but it sounds like you have to move out of Jesusland or something, because getting married in your mid-twenties only makes sense if you're living in a third world nation.
you're my hero, honestly. i completely agree with you. never give up on your morals, life is not about boys or guys or men, even though all generations of women seem to think so. never give up on your studies - you're blessed with being so smart and hardworking to have gotten so far. that really is a greater accomplishment then finding any old man to give you a ring and five kids.
You really do sound awfully idealistic...I believe society agrees that women should be married before 30 because if they are planning to have kids that is the 'ideal' period of time as any later can lead to potential health risks to the mother and the child? However, I don't see a problem with it personally...
Are we all settling because of this stupid timeline that decrees you a failure if you're not married by 30?
Answered this above.
Of course, love itself is relative to culture and differs from person to person, but are we really that uncomfortable with being unmarried?
Relates to the point above. Also, being married and having a family is important in life. As you grow older, it becomes more difficult. Not to mention who knows what will happen tomorrow? What if you were in an accident tomorrow and died without finding love? Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem to be searching for an 'ideal person.' We all strive to find unconditional love....but what you describe is very unrealistic. Just think about the reverse, would you be able to support your partner through ANY and EVERY decision they make? They are bound to pursue things you don't agree with. It's just impossible. It's like the word 'perfect', there is NO perfect.
Why is it so horrible to live your life and better yourself in every way possible and just let love come to you?
Its not horrible. The way you phrase this sounds like a fairy tale. Love doesn't just 'come' to you. You have to pursue it. If you don't interact with anyone or join in any activities it's impossible to meet someone else.
Why are we searching "out there" for someone to love us when love is already within ourselves?
Some people are satisfied with this and some aren't. Those that aren't go searching.
I would be lying if I said I don't enjoy companionship, but what is it that makes me need someone else?
You're right you don't NEED them. Unless you want children...but even that you can do that through sperm donors or what nought...so you're right you don't need them. But you do want it.
I don't believe a man would "complete" me. I believe I complete me...but then why do I long for someone else to validate me?
Because we're human. Our biological function is to procreate which generally requires another member of the opposite sex. And we are social animals, we need to share our thoughts and feelings with another. Have you seen the animals or children left alone without contact with their own species? They become distraught. In that sense we NEED someone to validate our existence.
I am having the same struggle, but my program is a master's so it is not as long as a PhD. Although I can relate to most of the thing you said, I don't think it is society who is uncomfortable with successful and unmarried women, I think women themselves are uncomfortable with the pressure. I think it is the awareness and insecurities that is the source of the dilemma, of course cultural norms doesn't help, but I can see it changing. In the end it is just up to us to be ok with it and if we are ok with it then we wouldn't care if others are not ok with our choices.
Oh Sandy, you are awesome. Because it is the New Year, I am going to start living by this. I wont settle for anything less than what I deserve either. Great post!
@FireMapleSong@xanga - "but it sounds like you have to move out of Jesusland or something"
^ You're soooo on a mission to make me fall in love with you.
Seriously, that line is awesome. I think I'll steal it from you and use it in random conversations.
Wow. This is one of the best posts I've ever read on Datingish.
You seem like a really strong person, and I admire that. I just hope that I may be as independent and strong as you are when I am your age.
I love this post.
"I would be lying if I said I don't enjoy companionship, but what is it
that makes me need someone else? I don't believe a man would "complete"
me. I believe I complete me...but then why do I long for someone else
to validate me?" <--struck a chord with me
and the one that took the words right out of my mouth:
"If I do fall in love and get married, I want to be a complete person. I
want to be someone's partner, not his dependent. I suppose what I want
right now is to truly believe that I could stand strong on my own. I
want to truly believe that the ultimate love is a love that I already
possess. A love that's been there all along, amidst all the past
boyfriends and dating scenes: self-love - the ultimate love."
I've been dating a wonderful guy for almost 3 1/2 years, and I still feel this way. I keep pushing him away until I can learn to love myself, support myself, and feel like a complete person. I want to graduate college, maybe move onto a master's, get a job that I enjoy, own my own place, maybe travel etc. I want to learn so many things and do so much, I don't even know where to begin!
The interesting part?
I'm only 18.
I've got a lifetime to work on this.
I'm not going to settle down any time soon.
And screw society for trying to tie women down.
If someone's threatened by your empowerment, they don't deserve you.
Enjoy your liberation as a woman through education, experience and fulfillment. A man who will appreciate you and adore you for being the strong, independent, capable woman you are will come along.
Haha, well I'm 15 and I've never been in a relationship. EVERYONE around me (even those that are soooooooo unlikely to be in a relationship--if you know what I mean) are in or are recovering from or are about to be in a relationship. But I've got no luck in that department. So I do get a little jealous sometimes. Haha. But only sometimes.
Coming from an Asian family, my parents have drilled into my head that it's never good to get married or settled early because no one is ever really ready. So hey, you'll probably find a guy who's mature, brilliant, RICH, and well-off in society after you finish pursuing your doctorate's!
Or if push comes to shove, you'll choose to be single for the rest of your life and devote your time and love to something else (like adopting kids, etc.) That's my Plan B!
Good luck on your PhD!
There's lots of quality guys out there who would love an ambitious, successful, independent girl like you. I tell you!: you are the dream girl to many. I mean, honestly, *I* would love to aspire to be like you. And even though I'm only 20 now... I have no plans for marriage in the next few years at all. I believe in the kind of love you describe and it is true that it's real. I have it but I'm kind of the reverse of you- I'm trying to work on myself to make that love the best it can be. But if I were in a position like yours, I'd probably already have that.
(Geez I hope that made sense! I haven't slept in 2 days so sorry if it's a little redundant.)
believing is half the battle...I mean how can you possibly find true love if you don't believe in it, right? your ex-bf is ahole for saying something like that...what? love cease to exist after people turned 30??
damn there are not a lot of women out there like you. you are really strong. i wish i could be someone who has as much self-respect as you do.
@Atomic_emmcee@xanga - Oh please do! (Fall in love with me, that is)