Monday, 22 December 2008
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I Don't Want to Be Acquaintances with My Ex-BF
This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.My ex of almost three years and I broke up at the end of summer and he got a new girlfriend recently.
Before she came into the picture we talked almost every day, and I guess his calling me confused me for a little bit - when I heard about the new girlfriend I was, like, wtf? After that I thought, wow, what's the point of talking; he has a new girlfriend now, but he's been making a big deal about staying in contact because he's afraid I'll "disappear". He claimed he wanted us to stay "close friends."
Honestly, why does it even matter? He doesn't even treat me like a normal friend, let alone a close one. Every time he calls, he'll rant about his day and then when I actually have something to say, he's not listening anyway, or he rudely cuts me off and says he has to go. It's like he calls solely to give me updates about his life - yes, thank you for sharing, I totally care. Why should I care when he clearly doesn't?
I don't get the point of wanting to be friends if he's not even going to act like a good friend, or even act like he cares. In fact, he treats me like an acquaintance now - the things we talk about are so superficial, pretty much stuff you talk about with people you barely know, like how classes are and how work is. It's like everything we had and knew about each other disappeared...except for when I need advice on something; then he's his old self temporarily while he gives me advice on what to do. After that it's back to the distant, I-don't-care guy. Guys are so odd.
What are your friendships like with exes? Is it reasonable to start completely over with a friendship after you break up, or should you stay close?
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Comments (112)
i can see being in a friendship with your ex because you were friends before boy/girlfriends, but if he just using you to rant thats not a good relationship. tell him to get a xanga if he wants to do that
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i am not friends with any of my exes. my first, everything, he wanted to stay close after our 3 year relationship... but he married someone and then thought it okay to flirt with me? no. i cut him off, there is no such thing as friendship with an ex in my situation.
I'm still good friends with most of my exes, in fact I'm really close to one of them. The reason why I'm still friends with them is because they were once a special part of my life and I still like to keep them in my life. =)
it seems to me your ex doesnt wanna lose you fully..youre some kind of a listening ear for him..apparently, to ME atleast, he doesnt have that anywhere else and/or he could talk to YOU easily about something than he could with anybody else so for that he's gonna keep you close...i'd suggest slowly but surely moving away from talking to him so often *shrug*
I'm friends with 2 of my exes..really really cool wit em..it wasnt a tragic breakup so I learned to get over it n move on..the last ex though..ridiculous..no way...if it was a mutual breakup and you guys wanna remain friends I can understand..if it was NOT a mutual breakup but you guys think you could work through a friendship without catching feelings or regressing, then fine..but if it was all based on disrespect or one of the parties involved still have feelings for the other and cant function normally..which is not a bad thing...then i'd say nip it in the bud
good blog by the way
I'm only friends with one of my exes... And I think that's because we were best friends before we started the relationship.
When we broke up, the relationship with her was a bit rocky and we fought for a while, but now we're getting better.
I'm still friends with my exes but I'm extremely close with one imparticlular, but whenever he starts dating anther girl we end up not being as close.
But If that person is special to you its important to keep them in your life.
I'm more or less friends with all my exes now. As a rule of thumb, you should probably cut off contact from your ex for at least the first few months. Afterwards, a healthy friendship is viable.
i say dont stay close right after a break-up.. take time to yourself to get over everything and go awhile without talking to the other person.. then if you feel you really want a friendship after getting completely over the other person, go for it. all of my friendships with exes are awkward, honestly. if they arent complete jerks like yours seems to be, they're quiet and hard to talk to without it being awkward and forced, even if they too want the friendship. its just hard, but if its something you really want, then talk to him about how your feeling and pursue the friendship.
Well, I think it depends how the relationship ends.. if you feel like you still can be friends that's ok. But when the relationship ends with cheating, 100% no friendship left? Back to your Q's.
What are your friendships like with exes?
How am I supposed to call it, euhm.. hi & bye "friendship"?
Is it reasonable to start
completely over with a friendship after you break up, or should you
stay close?
I think it's hard to start over with a friendship. You can stay close friends if you don't have hard feeling about it. It also depends on the person. But in the end, think about what your heart tells you.
Peace out
I'm not friends with any of my exes but I am an acquaintance with one in particular. We were best friends before we dated. After we broke up, our friendship wasn't the same anymore. We went our own separate ways but till this day, we still ask how one another is doing and all that acquaintance basic stuff about life itself. But if he's not acting like a real friend should, it shouldn't be given to him. Or maybe he's being side tracked with his new gf and he feels he should still "keep in contact" with you for some odd reasons. Hopefully not for any rebound purposes.
I don't talk to exes.
Causes trouble.
I'm acquaintances with my one ex, but we only dated 3 weeks and plus he's nice so eh. We're not buddy buddy but on occasion we do talk.
For the most part though trying to stay "friends" is a no no.
I'm not friends with my ex. Acquaintances yes. We hardly ever talk, see each other, but I do occasionally hear from him. With the other guys I liked, well I'm still friends with them, but not interested in anything more than that.
It could be possible to be friends with your ex. Depends on how things ended & if you don't have any hard feelings on being friends at all. Maybe in the beginning it might not be so smart to still be close and stuff as u need 2 heal from everything. But this guy seriously seems like he just wants 2 vent with you or something. Just graduately move away from answering his phone calls whenever he calls. Just let it ring a few times & call back later. Just like it would be with an acquaintance or so.
old feelings are bound to be evoked at some point for one/both parties when exes remain friends. i'd rather avoid that.. granted, the two of you may have started off as friends.. but once that boundary was crossed, attempting to remain friends just causes complications in the end. one person is going to end up hurt, intentional or not.
I don't talk to my exes. I think the only motive for me to stay friends is if I was still in love with him and I can not let go. Even then it's an unhealthy relationship.
My advice to you is to end it. Just cut all ties with him. He has obviously moved on with his life and now he's preventing you from doing the same. It's selfish.
The sooner you stop talking to him, the sooner he'll stop bothering you.. and the faster you'll start dating and living again.
Good luck!
My recommendation, get him out of your life. It works.
Wow, I can relate to this.
Whenever a close relationship with a guy dissolves, usually our communication dissolves as well. There are no hard feelings, we just don't talk or think much of each other anymore, or at least that's how I feel. My only "real" ex (the only guy I really called my boyfriend) and I are still good friends, and we can get along very well without any trouble at all. But yeah, when a guy already has a girlfriend and he's still talking to me, even if he's sincere about wanting to be friends I still think, "Why are you talking to me? You have a girlfriend, you can talk to her about stuff, right?"
He clearly believes that he and I can still be close friends despite what happened between us, and thus continues to try forging that kind of connection. I've decided to make myself more distant to show him that it's just not possible. His girlfriend is someone that he broke up and got back together with, and during that breakup period he was involved with me. I feel for the sake of his girlfriend (who knows about my relationship with him) and my own feelings, he should just not talk to me.
But honestly I'm too afraid to cut ties with him, so I continue to talk to him out of courtesy. I'm more indifferent about it rather than not wanting to talk to him since he's not inconsiderate like your ex seems to be. If he doesn't treat you like a friend should, perhaps you could confront him about it.
My relationships with my past exes are all over the place!
My first boyfriend, we don't even talk anymore. And when we do, it's just small awkward talk.
My second boyfriend, I just don't bother talking to him. Everytime I do, we're such close friends, but then we grow to like each other again, SOMETHING I DON'T WANT. Especially since he left me for an exgirlfriend.
My third, I recently just made peace with him. We hated each other for a long time, and it was just like, what the heck? Let's make peace. But I'm starting to think it was a horrible idea since every phone call, every IM, every time we see each other, he flirts. And it's like, UHM, you aren't supposed to do that.
And my most recent ex, we don't really talk. Which I hate. But whatever, you know?
But staying reasonably close just sometimes results in "GET BACK TOGETHER MODE." But for some people, it's not like that. It just really depends on the person.
im in the sort of same boat......it sux......im confused as hell.....but i recently cut him off completely no phone no nothing just a myspace message for the holidays n i miss him.....awwww.....damn it lol
he feels guilty, but the guilt doesn't extend to being polite or caring about how you are actually doing. just tell him to stop calling you if you don't want to talk to him anymore.
I'm still acquaintances with my ex-girlfriend, but I wish we were a bit closer. I catch up with her maybe once or twice a year now.
I don't talk to my ex-boyfriend anymore, and I'd like to keep it that way. I do, on occasion, talk to his new girlfriend because she and I were friends before my ex-boyfriend and I started dating.
Sounds like you need a clean break and a bit like you're being used. Stop answering his calls. He has a new woman in his life, that should suffice. If all you ever were, was good friends, then it would be less odd, but the fact you guys broke up earlier this year, leaves a lot of questions. After all, if you were his new girl, wouldn't you have an issue with him trying to stay friends with his ex?
I don't know much about him or the situation, but from what you've already shared, sounds like you are left with the short end of the stick.
Yeah it really all depends,
I'm in good terms with my exes,
just cause I was friends with them at first.
So it's nice already being this comfortable/stable level in the end.
For the exes that I weren't so fond of,
it didn't quite end so good. So starting a friendship is quite hard, really all depends though. Currently, my ex keeps talking to me and I really don't want anything to do with him.
But everyone's different.
The question is, is he really worth your time?
or worth being friends with?
or even worth it at all?
i'm not friends with either of my ex's. i tried, but couldnt do it. well my first boyfriend and i didnt talk for 8 months after we broke up. then we got back together, broke up and quit talking again. then we started talking one more time, but he wanted to be "friends with benefits." lame. so i cut it off completely and dont plan on ever trying to be friends with him again. My second boyfriend and i tried to stay friends, but we fought more after we broke up then we did when we were together. and then he got a girlfriend and would call me up telling me he missed me and thought we were meant to be... and i was like wtf, what about your girlfriend?! so yeah, i quit atalking to him after that crap.
I was in a similar situation with my ex and decided to completely cut ties (at least for now), and that has turned out to be one of the best decisions I've ever made. Cutting contact for a while at least has allowed me to totally move on, and be able to really focus on myself and doing some things I've always wanted to do.