Dr. DatingishMy boyfriend and I have been together for almost four months. I've never, ever felt this way about anyone before - I've fallen in love with him. However, last night we had a confrontation that really scared me. He told me that he feels we are moving too fast physically, and he really wants to slow things down. RED FLAG in my mind. (Don't guys usually want to push the physical stuff faster?)
He said he was because he's not a rude, sex-crazed, awful guy who tries to respect women. He wants things to be more "pure and get-to-know-each-other" like they were when we first met. Okay. So he wants to be less physical. Wants to spend more time talking. Fine, I'd actually enjoy that. He said it's because he realizes he really wants to be with me, but is terrified of screwing it up and losing me.
However, due to a miscommunication during the conversation, the mention of a potential breakup came through. Honestly? I was having a heart palpitation. I'm so in love with this guy that he's honestly my other half. We complete each other so well. I would have a very difficult time suddenly not having him in my life. So we talked for a little while longer, and he left. Not once, in the entire conversation, or even in the goodbye, did he say he loved me. Not one time.
So I confronted him about it this morning, and he said he knows he loves me, but he doesn't know what love means, so he tries to use the word sparingly. How can you be sure you feel something if you don't know the definition of it? I'm completely baffled by this explanation and reasoning. It seems like instance after instance, he's doing something to push me away without being direct about it.
Do I save myself heartache down the road and break up with him now? Do I wait it out and hope he changes his mind? Every time I talk to him about things like this he tells me I'm overanalyzing things. Is that what I'm doing? Am I reading too far into this?
Got a question for Dr. Datingish? Send it to us here!
Recommend
Comments (40)
I would have a serious conversation with him and ask what it is that he wants in his life at the moment. Ask him to be honest and be open to the truth, there might be something deeper happening that he might be afraid to tell you.
I think you're overanalyzing. Sounds like a lot of stuff in this relationship is happening right now and you just need to chill out and take it a few days at a time. He said he loves you, regardless of whether or not he can define it, he loves you.
Just take a deep breath, kiss him hello and call it good. If it keeps nagging you, then you can think about talking to him. For now, don't ruin anything by panicking.
It is a "new" relationship. He might be freaked out about feeling so strongly for you. He might be hesitant about taking things too fast emotionally as well.
Oh darling... never settle for anything less than what you want. If you want physical stuff now, that won't go away.
The same thing happened with my ex- I completely fell for him, head over heels. He 'completed' me, he loved me (I think, at least..), we did everything together. It was perfect. Except for the fact that I wanted to get a little frisky every now and again, and he would keep feeding me the purity line. After about a year, I think we both started resenting each other a little bit for it- me, because he wouldn't satisfy me, and him because I wanted it. I didn't even make a big deal about it.
Anyways.
My point here is- never settle. If you are not completely happy with somebody, then don't be with them.
Good luck!
Since things are seemingly unsure and confusing right now, I think it would be best to just take some time apart and let things cool down and settle. But you shouldn't panic and make any rash decisions. Just like how you shouldn't say things when you are super pissed/upset because you may regret it; let things settle before you can think of your next step and you have a serious conversation with him when the time is right. Good luck. :)
most guys are clueless at 4 months since 4 months is like a blink of an eye in terms of relationships. are you sure you're really in love with this guy and it's not just because you're in the honeymoon phase. i would red flag you instead, for getting so emotional only 4 months into the relationship. if he seriously wants to slow things down physically because mentallyemotionally he's not ready, then just wait it out, it might do the relationship some good to take a break after an intense 4 months of "relating". the thing to watch out for is when a guy is telling you everything you want to hear just to get physical with you. consider what he's telling you a good sign.
of course there is the option of breaking up with him but i don't see any reason you would want to take this route.
You are over analyzing the situation. He wants to slow things down with you physically and talk "more," I think that's a good thing, not a RED FLAG.
Also, it is only been 4 months. He wants to make sure he knows it for certain before he says he loves you. If true love does come out from this relationship, you don't even need him to tell you nor do you need to hear it from him. Why? Because you'd both know you love each other. The three meaningful words "I love you" does not necessarily have to be heard every day to a significant, or else it would lose its true value. Get what I'm trying to say?
So, chill out. Let things flow the way it is and stop over analyzing.
You seem a little freaked out right now...
"He said he was because he's not a rude, sex-crazed, awful guy who tries to respect women."
He might be a nice guy, but deep down, he should still be a guy...
I respect women that deserve respect...I give dick to a girlfriend whenever she pleases...If a woman has granted you access, by all means, you take every opportunity to show her why she's giving you what I would hope would be exclusive access...
I've only turned down sex from a girlfriend 2 times in my entire life...One, I was up for 20 hours, driving for 4, skiing for 6 and then drinking...I tried, but I could not stay awake to stay alive...Two, we had just had sex for the 7th time in the day...I was not capable of movement, so I had to turn her down...Not definitely my proudest sexual moments, but you do what you gotta do...
If the guy was traumatized by some sex crazed fiend that tore his heart to shreds, he may have his reasons for pumping the brakes...
Ugh...Four months and you're already throwing around the magic four letters? This doesn't look good at all...
There are so many other ways to take this, but no advice from this site will help you...You're gonna do what you're gonna do...I just hope that you learn from any mistakes that you could possibly make...
Good luck...
@death_by_chocolat@xanga - This is why I say find out sexual compatibility first! You will end up resenting each other real quick if that stuff doesn't click...
Can you imagine saving it for marriage, then going, "Forever?" Forever starts to look like a long time, and at that point, ughhhhhhhh....
Take a step back. And breathe. Stop thinking so hard! That could be great thing if he wants to back off a bit physically. It probably means he respects you! He wants to do this right.
I love what irishgrrl said and it bears repeating, "Just take a deep breath, kiss him hello and
call it good. If it keeps nagging you, then you can think about talking
to him. For now, don't ruin anything by panicking."
Guys hate, hate, hate nagging (doesn't everyone?). Give it a few days before you bring it up. You may find things will smooth themselves out. if they don't, then at least you have good reason to talk to him.
And last, I don't think most people can truly define 'love.' Accept that he loves you and don't question it too much =)
give it sometime and see ho he feels in a couple of weeks and if it still the same i say leave him alone until he is ready to come around, its kind of to late to start a relationship over after doing everything. he should have thought about that in the begining instead of now..he just doesnt make sense at all. really it seems like he dont want to be with u but i could be wrong and that would be how i would take it.idk just wait it out some and see how he starts to feel
It seems like trying to talk to him isn't working. The logical route is thus to stop. Make him listen to you through other ways, through more subtle ways. If you feel like you're pushing him away, then stop pushing him away. Concentrate on other things in your life right now and don't make him such a top priority. Don't initiate physical things with him and make yourself busy. When he sees that you've chilled out, trust me- the tides will turn in your favor.
I wish I had a guy with the guts to tell me he wants to slow down. Putting the idea of a typical sex-crazed guy aside, most of the guys I've been involved with were so passive that if I asked for something physical, I would get it.
The last guy said the same thing your boyfriend did--he didn't want to screw things up with me. And when he said that, my feelings for him grew even more. But despite that, we ended up getting physical anyway, and that's what tore us apart. I was mad at him for not keeping to his word, but I was also very mad at myself for wanting to do physical things with him.
You're definitely overanalyzing things, though. If you get overemotional and continue to confront him, he'll get really uncomfortable and end up breaking up with you.
I don't think you should make a rash decision. You obviously are in love with him and he seems to care a lot about you as well. Relax, some guys are like that because they truly do care a lot about the relationship or due to certain values. Whatever the reason is, what matters is that you are in love with him and he is also smitten by you. He is a man and naturally he'll slip up. Just let it go and go with the flow. But don't forget to be desirable and attractive to him, whether it is kissing him passionately or dressing up or slightly teasing him.
You are expecting way too much of a 4 month old relationship. You need to just chill. This isn't a romance novel, it's real life.
maybe if you allow him to slow things down, he'll understand where hes at, better.
It sounds to me like you are pushing too hard. Four months is a really short time! You feel strongly about him right now, but you are still in the honeymoon phase, and it is a bit early to call it love. I think it's awesome that he wants your relationship to have a firm foundation in friendship and emotional intimacy rather than being purely or primarily based on physical attraction. The strongest relationships have a healthy amount of both.
The word love is a strong one, and it's one that people throw around a whole lot without really understanding it, which makes it less meaningful. Sounds to me like he wants it to carry a lot of weight, and he thinks it's a little early for that to be possible. He's not pushing you away. He's trying make sure that what he feels is real.
So please, like others mentioned above, take a deep breath...and relax. He said he loves you--believe him.
He sounds like a really decent guy. Try not to jump to conclusions, and really try to give him a chance.
You are over analyzing and if you keep doing it...that will push him away! Don't go off of what other people tell you on what you should do in this type of situation because in the end "we" might be wrong and you will regret not making the decision yourself. Just take ALL of the advise given to you and go from there....
#1 It sounds like you have one of the VERY few out there that actually care about getting to know someone vs just having sex first. My husband was like that...:) And you are taking it way too quickly....most guys don't want to be "pushed" further into a relationship before they are ready. It's like asking a guy to marry you 3 months into a relationship or something. So listen to him and don't take offense to it!!
#2 (which i HIGHLY, personally, don't think you "have") A guy that is going to break up with you, but is doing it gently. Most guys, when breaking up with you, don't ask for less sex and more talking haha :)
So:
Listen to him and not over analyze!!!! Take things SLOW! COMPROMISE and COMMUNICATE! Everything will "fall" into place :)
Good luck and blessed be
Let me tell you a story. Okay, so it's not really a story, but it's the truth.
Guys move quickly when it comes to physical intimacy because they want to get it while the getting is good. Guys tend to bank a lot more on the physical elements of a relationship than women, but many women just play along because they figure it's what the guy wants, and it she gives him what he wants, he'll stick around.
Problem is, most guys get the physical intimacy and figure that's where the growth of a relationship ends. They've gotten to their "goal", so there's no more work required on their part.
In increasingly rare cases, there are decent guys who are not only willing to, but actually intent to build a complete relationship, and part of that is building from the ground up. That means establishing relational intimacy - that is, emotional, intellectual, personal intimacy rather than physicality. Granted, there should be some show of affection, but if he's willing to put off sex and sex-related activities for you, chances are he's probably a keeper.
Don't be offended. I guarantee he wants to have sex with you. Probably more than he's ever wanted to have sex with anyone before in his life. But, even more importantly than that, he seems to want to have a real, healthy, genuine relationship first. That's not a bad thing... in fact, that's probably the best thing there is.
If you care for him, hear him out. You should be excited. You're blessed to have one of the very few guys who would put off sex to get to know you first.
dont break up!
I told a boyfriend of mine the same thing once, and broke up with him a week or so later.
The thing is, he SAID he would slow down, but he didn't. And that's mostly why I ended it.
Could be a red flag. Or maybe he's just sweet and shy.
sounds plausible
I would LOVE it if my boyfriend said that...instead it's always me saying it. :/
Don't lose this guy! :)
I think u need to give him some time off and enjoy the moment. I repeat, enjoy the moment.
:)
Chill.u need to know him better and yes i know where u are coming from.
I have good vibes about this guy and i m sure that things will work out if u keep ur cool and in the meantime, have other things in your life right now.