This is a guest blog submitted by Nowie.On October 10, my boyfriend of almost a year cheated on me. I remember the day exactly because it was exactly a month and a day before it would have been our one year. I was at work when he texted me and asked me if I could come over. I had a feeling that something was wrong because he'd never asked me over like that before. A few days before that, we'd had a talk about breaking up because we were having problems with how much time we wanted to spend with each other. I wanted to spend all this time with him and he couldn't. However, we decided to work on it and I thought that was that.
So when I got that dreaded text I thought that he had finally decided to break up with me because of that. I still can't forget that look on his face when he sat me down and said, "I did a bad thing...I fooled around with someone else." He had wanted to tell me sooner, but he didn't feel like it was something that could be done over the phone - I give him a lot of credit for telling me right after it happened. Needless to say, we broke up and I spiraled into a deep depression. It was even worse that I knew who the girl was. My boyfriend and I work at the same store and she had been working there for about a month. He didn't tell me who it was he cheated on me with, but I knew it was her because I could tell he had a big crush on her by how he would bring up her name in our conversations. I was always fine with his having crushes because I never felt that they posed a threat. I trusted him that much. So you can imagine how utterly betrayed I felt upon hearing the news.
He seemed so...sad and sincere when he told me that he was sorry. I thought that the guilt would weigh so heavily on him that he wouldn't want anything to do with that girl anymore.
Later on I found out that October 12, he had her over to his house and they shared their first kiss. He didn't kiss her the first night because he felt that was more sacred than touching and cuddling.
The 11th, I'd given him orange juice at work because I knew he was sick. If I had known then what I know now, I certainly wouldn't have given it to him!
Anyway, it's been over two months already. We've since gotten back together and to my knowledge, he and that girl aren't really friends anymore. After a few days of "dating", she decided that she just wanted to be friends with him. Sometimes I'm really happy with him...I think about how in the future, that whole ordeal is something we can both look back on as a learning experience. Then I think even further into the future about how someday I might want to marry him. And then there are days like these...days when I wonder if I did the right thing. I felt like I spent the past two months being angry at her, angry at myself and not so angry at him.
I know the cheating was his fault, but I still can't get myself to stop hating her. I recently read
a blog on this site about how all the blame should go to the significant other. Logically, I agree, but I can't seem to make myself feel that way. I feel that by doing so, I can't think of him as a good person anymore. I know the cheating was bad, but I know that he's still a good person and now that we're together, he wouldn't dare hurt me like that again.
I don't really know that girl, but doesn't the fact that we work together and that she knew he was my boyfriend make it her fault as well? I know he initiated it, but she could have said no. He told me that she stopped and wondered if it was all right. She knew it was wrong and she went ahead and did it anyway! Then two days later she accepted his invitation to come over. Is it wrong for me to think that she should have considered my feelings and how hurt I was?
I don't know why I can't seem to completely trust my boyfriend and why I can't let go of this anger inside. I still have to work with her and I feel torn between being nice to her and wanting to slap her. Somehow over the course of these couple of months, we haven't really worked with each other, so I don't need to talk to her. I feel that both of them are past this and I'm still stuck in the same place I was when he said, "I fooled around with someone". I said that I wanted to start fresh, and I really want to follow through with it and just be happy. But I wonder if I can ever be happy in our relationship like I was before.
Sometimes I'm really happy and other times I'm scared that that's going to happen all over again. I don't want to break up with him and I don't think this is something I want to talk about with him again.
What can I do to stop feeling this way? Do I just need more time to get over it?
Comments (80)
Wow. Sounds like you are going through alot. Well for me personally, I have been cheated on one time and didnt take the person back. It's just when someone hurts me and violates me in that way, regardless of the feelings and love, I cant bring myself to be open to that type of hurt again. My opinion is that if they did it once, they are liable to do it again. And I think it will always cause problems in your relationship. Because subconsciously you'll wonder where he's going and what he's doing. But I think it's nice that you're trying to make it work. Just beware that it might be hard. I think a good question to think about is why he did it. Have you ever asked him? His motivation could have alot to do with the the outcome of your relationship. Hope everything works out for you hun
My boyfriend of three years cheated on me with my best friends while I was sick in the hospital. We broke up, and a year later I took him back..but I couldn't shake the angriness inside of me. Eventually time went on, our relationship bettered, and I finally began to forgive him and my previous "Best friends," once I finally did, he cheated one me again, only with a different "best friend." I realized then and there no matter how much he loved me or how much I loved him, he was always going to have an issue with infidelity. He was completely aware when he did these things, and for that I realized he doesn't respect me or our relationship. I was devastated (again!) broke up with him, and moved on. A relationship without trust thats harboring resentment is only a ticking time bomb. You've done all you can do, as had I. It's not okay and he can't expect you to feel like it's okay. He destroyed you're relationship and you're trust. But its up to you whether or not you decide that you want to be with someone who loves you, is true to you, and you're the only woman he sees not other "crushes." Don't settle for the straying eye sweetie, you'll only end up emotionally investing all of your time into something that you wish you hadn't.
I know how you feel. My boyfriend recently cheated on me with a girl I used to work with..and even though she really didnt know me..I have alot of negative feelings towards her..and him too yes..but that doesnt mean I let her off with nothing..
If it was me, I would just leave. He sounds like he only got back together with you, because she wasn't really that interested.
I understand that you are very emotionally invested in the relationship that you had with him. But I think it's over now. Try to move on.
if you are going to take him back...you have in a way forgiven him. Now he just has to earn your trust. And you have to be willing to give it. If you want to make the relationship work, you shouldnt bring up the past.
Only you know what's best for you. Can you see yourself trusting him and him never cheating on you again?
And the girl was wrong, but she wasn't dating you. He was dating you. If she stopped and wondered if what they were doing was right....what dies that say about him...that he didnt even think about you? She gave him a chance to stop and back out and he didnt.
Xo
That's the exact point where it becomes the hardest... when they've both moved on, and you haven't: because they both got what they wanted; which in turn practically killed your heart. They do a horrible thing like that, and than get over it like it was nothing; they don't really understand or care how much it hurt you..
You have every right not to like her, a cheating mistake (although still completely wrong) can be forgiven sometimes, but continuing the relationship with the women just days after.. I would not take him back.
I've been in a similar situation almost of both sides with the same guy. But, if you truly love him stick around. If you forgave him obviously you can't be bringing it up because then it would have been useless to be with him still and be in between the line of love/hate. Give him his chance hope that he wont do that again. Learn that you both need space and when you guys are together make most of your time. Relax and don't be paranoid. Trust him unless he gives you resons not to. Best of luck with your relationship. Just don't make your self vulnerable to more confusion. Give it time. You'll self to stop hating her guts if that's how you feel. Oh realize that she's meaningless to your life.
I think you have every right to be upset.
My boyfriend never cheated on me, as far as I know, but he went on a cruise last year & there was this girl... I won't go into details, but he lied about a lot of things & covered up his lies with more lies. I know I shouldn't be upset still; nothing bad happened, he lied and made a mistake and I should be over it. But he's going on the same crusie this year, and the same girl will be there, and it bothers the hell out of me.
Again, totally different circumstances so I can't even compare, but I get the feeling all the same. Personally, I think you just need more time to get over it. It sucks, it was horrible of both of them, and its understandable that you might have trouble trusting him again. As angry as it makes you, it might be easier just to sort of push it aside, but don't pretend like it's not there. It was a mistake that never, ever should have happened, but if you two are truly in love, it's something that you should be able to work through.
Personally, I don't think I could forgive my boyfriend if he would ever cheat on me. Or I could forgive him, but I couldn't be with him because that's just how I am; I need someone I can always trust, and I wouldn't be able to deal with it. If you don't feel safe or comfortable or that you could move on and be fine without him, then maybe that relationship isn't good for you.
I know I'm not any good at giving advice, but I hope you figure things out. <3
It is RIDICULOUSLY hard to get over it when someone has cheated you. You question yourself, "Am I just not good enough?." You question him, "Why didn't he think of me, and can I ever trust him again?"
I had this happen to me. I had my ex cheat on me with another girl. She did NOT know who I was, but she did know that I existed and that he had been with me sexually that morning. That night, she went to visit her friends, met him, and they tried to have sex that night. I HATED her. HATED. I hated him, too. They afterwards started a relationship that lasted about 4 months. He completely dropped me, and didn't even have the nerve to come tell me to my face. (We had been together almost 2 years at that point.) I had a panic attack, and never in all my life have I ever hated two people more. SHE should have thought about her actions. SHE shouldn't have tried to be with someone the very day he had been pleasing his girlfriend. SHE, SHE, SHE. So, I blamed a lot of it on her. Now, time has passed, and after about 8 months, that guy and I dated again. He never cheated on me again, and I eventually had to let it go. If I was going to keep throwing the past in his face, then we couldn't be together. We ended up breaking up after about a year, but the reasons were entirely unrelated to the cheating. I'm also the kind of person who can't stand hating others, so I forgave this girl, and began to get to know her better. Oddly enough, he's out of my life, and she is now one of my closest friends. I learned the reasons why she didn't care. This girl had such TERRIBLE self-esteem that she felt like she had to give it up or guys wouldn't even want to be around her. I saw her do this time and time again, but after the incident with me and hearing how much it hurt me, she stayed away from guys who were seriously involved with another girl. She still has those same issues, but after talking to her, I understand her more.
The point being, I never really did trust my ex again. You have to decide if you can let go of the pain and the hurt that he caused. I would suggest writing the girl a letter, not blaming or anything, and just ask maybe how she felt when she knew she was hurting someone else. It is so much easier to follow our own physical, forbidden desires than to think of the pain we cause others. Forbidden makes it more fun and dangerous-kind of like the rush you feel when you went looking for the presents Santa was getting you as a kid. You knew you weren't supposed to, but it was so much fun! Then, when you get the presents, the rush and excitement are absent. That's what happened with that girl, and that's why your boyfriend lost his glamour. He wasn't as exciting when she had him. I wish I could give you the right answer here. I wish you the best, and I hope things work out for you.
I don't blame you for not trusting him. that was an awful thing to do!!
you should blame them both, because yes your boyfriend was the ass to cheat on you but she knew full well what she was doing.
I don't think I'd be able to be with someone after they did that to me...
i can relate to this in a different fashion...
if you can't trust ur bf.. then the relationship will not work. it's hard to trust him again, i'm actually.. well i just took my ex back (he was my first bf and our relationship lasted about 11 months) and i know that while we weren't together, he made out with this one girl from his past and let her give him a hj.. but he told me that he thought about me the whole time and hated every moment he did that with her... and that he was disgusted by her and never wants to see her again....
and well, now that i've taken him back.. i have to forgive him and believe him.. and trust him that he won't do things to intentionally hurt me again.. but people make mistakes. i made the first mistake of being paranoid and being unable to trust him the first time around.. and now~
i do question if he came back just because he couldn't find anyone else better... but then this girl really wants him...and yet he came back looking for me. i'll have to believe that this is a mistake that we're both going to have to work with and learn from and learn to be happy together again. it's hard and slow going...
but i really have hope. it may be stupid to give a cheating guy another chance but.. i thought long and hard about it.. and he may not be the best guy for me.. but for some reason, right now i still love him and decided that i want this relationship to work. think about it this way, you were given the chance to just move on and find someone new.. and experience new relationship with possibly a better guy.. and it'll be easier to start building trust with a new guy then recovering trust with an old guy..
but you decided to take him back.. so give him that chance to be trustworthy and you have to go out on that limb and start trusting him. don't bring up the past (cuz that's not trust and rebuilding the relationship) forgive him and the girl... and try again.. it's between you and him this time. once again. good luck.
I go by the rules once a cheater always a cheater. The fact that you're ok with him having crushes on other girls is completely wrong! It should not be something you should take so passively. Honestly there is some one out there who can love you with their all and you will be the only person for them. I hope you find the right one who can appreciate you as much as you appreciate them.
I was with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He slept with six girls the entire time we were together, and everytime he said he would change, and he wouldnt deo it again, i belived him, and took him back. That was the worst thing i ever did, because the more i let it go on, the more it happend because he knew id take him back. So if i were you id end it now before it happens more and your depression gets worse. Sure it could have been a one time thing but if he hid it from you for that long who knows what else he might hide from you.Stay with him and be careful, or leave him now before it gets worse.
leave him, find somebody who won't go behind your back... ever! and screw her. she knew he had a woman, that means OFF LIMITS!
ive been cheated on and took the person back. it was never the same. i think it may be possible to forgive a person for cheating, and to even trust them again over time. personally, i had trust issues to begin with and still do, especially after that experience. i couldn't take someone back after that now, no matter how much i loved them. i give you kudos for trying but if you dont think it will get better, you should probably let him go. your happiness and closure is what matters here, and if you dont think you can find that in his arms, then move on. no woman deserves to be treated that way.
the same thing happened to me. And at first i went to forgive him,but then i stepped back and thought to myself "cheating on someone is so disrespectful and if he doesn't have the respect for me,then he doesn't need to be with me"
As much as you love him,you deserve better.
You need a new boyfriend.
This was such an incredibly written blog. I give you so much credit because you are doing everything right. You have accepted whats happened and realized you had no way of preventing it. He made a conscious decision. And good for you to say it is his fault, we all know how we might sometimes blame the "other woman." I think its okay you got back together. Hopefully he is treating you 10x better because he owes it to you if he really loves you. I think second chances are wonderful oppurtunities if you truly believe this guy is worth it all. It was a stupid mistake on his part but it doesn't in any way make what he did excusable. Its okay to put up a little bit of a guard these first few months back. Maybe it will test him to work harder to be with you....
I wish you the best of luck<3
um, i think the question shouldnt go on ehr or youre shoulders of what to do but your guys. er, what i mean is that instead of being angry at him, it sounds liek youre still have some unresolved things that you aim towards her. It brings up the whoel issue, if she wasnt around would he still have hceated on you? and theres really no way of knowing. if he valued you enough then he wouldve stayed faithful, and as he sounds liek the "sensitive type"-im only guessing this formthe statement about the sacredness ofthe kiss blurb- then why the hell wasnt he sensitive to your feelings? especially when you had to work withthe girl and he brought up her name in conversations befre or after.
personally, i dont really know how you can have a healthy relationship with a guy who cheats, and ive had one guy cheat on me-that im aware of, lol. itsok to fogive them, but then you should know you are worth much more than being someones second pick, especially after the girl thought he was just friend material. and whose to say if and when hell develop another crush and go running off? i think relationships re difficult enough, why add another hardship when someone else might be mroe stable and knows what he wants. and that should be you :)
just remember these two phrases:
"it takes two to tango" -- even if the girl knew it was wrong, she went
ahead and did it anyways, even if he did initiate it. both are at fault.
"once a cheater, always a cheater" -- if he cheated on you once, most likely, he can and will do it again. i don't believe in second chances. they are your ex for a reason.
I think that since its only been a few days since its happened... you shouldn't have been with him. I think you need time alone to cope and deal wth his cheating. Also, if its truly "love," then your boyfriend wouldn't be having "crushes" on other girls.
The feeling won't go away unfortunately. If you've tried for a few months but it hasn't really evaporated, then there's something broken there that may never be fixed. I would suggest you guys take a break--really try, don't just run back to him after a week. You need to be certain that you're in this wholly, not just half-heartedly.
I've been in the same situation. Once something broke, and it wouldn't fix after my attempts, I had to leave. It was painful, but then there was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. It was worth it, then.
I have never met a single person that has only cheated once! Once a cheater, always a cheater. It's a harsh reality.
"I feel that both of them are past this and I'm still stuck in the same place"
Well YEAH you were the only one hurt in this ordeal! You need time, girl. He needs to show you that you can trust him and he's not going to screw up again and ruin the relationship. He ought to be working very hard to show you that he will not be betraying you again. I've been cheated on several times.. you can't make it stop hurting, you just have to allow the pain to happen.
To be honest, I don't believe everyone can get over someone cheating on them; sometimes the relationship just needs to end because it's not healthy being in it if you can't trust that person. You can do everything right after being cheated on, and it just won't feel "right" again. I think you need to do some real soul searching and ask yourself if you are happy with him and really believe your relationship can be rebuilt together.