Every time I go to the mall - or anywhere, really - with my other gay friend "W," he gets hit on and I don't.
And I have come to the conclusion that I don't look gay enough. Not trying to be rude or anything, but W isn't exactly the straightest person out there. Long nails way out there, clothes, purse and everything. Then there is me: jeans, t-shirt and a hoodie.
Last week at the mall, we both talked to the same sales people; two of them gave him their cards when they didn't even need to, and I got nothing.
I don't want to have to gay myself up to get a date because that really isn't who i am, but the way I am now, my true self really isn't working.
How do I get noticed by guys without majorly changing the way I am?
Got a question for Dr. Datingish? Send it to us here!
Recommend
Comments (35)
I had to google your predicament: clicky click
I have no words of wisdom. At all.
My one friend is gay, but you'd never tell by looking at him. He lets it be known because he knows otherwise we'll all just think he's straight. I have no idea how he does it though... hmmmm.
Good luck!
I'm not "gay enough" either to get approached by women quite yet so I understand how you feel to a different extent... lol.
I know how you feel. D8
Then again, it seems like every girl and her mother is "bisexual" these days, so I don't even know if I want people to know I'm gay, they'll just think I'm some attention seeking whore who goes around kissing girls to get the attention of more guys.
But I definitely think you shouldn't worry about it so much. If it really does bother you, then take the offensive! Be flirty with guys, even if you don't know if they're gay or not. Talk to your friend about going out every once and a while as a day for you. If he's the kind that attracts people, then let him! After he's gotten them a bit closer, ask if he can try and direct the attention to you, and then step it up a notch - flirt flirt flirt.
I don't think you'll have as many problems if you just put yourself out there a bit more; you don't necessarily have to look gay, just sit less in the shadows. ;)
Here's a thought: maybe the right guy will notice you with you being yourself. Because he won't need you to act outside of your personality.
Or you know, you could just wear a t-shirt that says: "I'm Gay. Hit on Me." Whatever floats ya boat.
@Moktral@xanga - i like this one...lol.
@Moktral@xanga - I like the t-shirt idea. Hehe.
That aside, I have no idea how to help you not being a gay man myself but here's a suggestion: Hit on them FIRST, do not wait for them to hit on you.
I don't think you're going to have a lot of luck man. You're going to either need to gay it up some if you expect guys out in normal public areas to get the hint. Or hit the gay bars where everyone will just assume you're gay.
I think that you won't need to 'gay it up" me personally am not gay but yeah i have gay frineds that you would assume are gay. basically all you have to do is hang out where te gay people hang out and then you have to get the courage to go up to someone and just be like "hey, you gay?" well not that blunt about it but you know what i mean just flirt like there is no tomorrow you have nothing to lose if they dont like you for you and think you just arent gay enough then forget them because you sholdnt have to change yourself to be liked by others.
You don't have to make any major changes. Try putting yourself more out there - go to gay clubs/bars, wear things that flaunt your sexuality a little more, hit on someone yourself instead of waiting to be hit on by someone else. It's a pretty simple solution.
Um, ask THEM out?
Wow, this post sounds so much like what my friend is dealing with, minus having another gay friend to compete with. Ever thought about trying online dating? My friend was successful with finding dates that way.
Are you kidding with this question?
You just wanted to have yourself on the front page of Datingish didn't you!
If you don't look gay enough, guys don't hit on you because they think you're straight.
You're a gay genius!
Either let it be known you're gay, or forever hold your peace.
You shouldn't have to change to meet someone. If you're seriously interested make the first move. Not everyone likes to take a chance by hitting on someone that may be straight -- if they really think you're straight, then they may just leave you alone even if they're really attracted to you.
Like someone else before me mentioned, personals sites are really useful. I've had a lot of luck there, and so have many of my friends. I say try something new, sure, but not something new that completely renovates your personality.
One of my best friends is like this. He's gay but you would never be able to tell it. You just have to learn to make the first move. Don't wait for them to flirt with you, flirt with them first. If you're not really comfortable making the first move with guys, ask your friend for some advice or ask if you can practice on him.
Are you looking to be hit on, or are you looking for a relationship? If it's the first one, I think your only way is really to "gay it up." But if you want a relationship, you could change your strategy: be the one who asks guys out, go to gay bars or clubs, go to gay rallies, or look for a date online.
Good luck!
yeah, this is exactly one of my gay friend's problems. i didn't even know he was gay for a while, and couldn't believe he was gay when i was told...i had to be convinced that he was gay! (it's not like he's in the closet either, his whole family knows) so obviously he doesn't get randomly hit on ever. he joined okcupid so that he could get dates with new & interesting men more easily LOL you could try that!
Don't change yourself just to get "hit on" and all...that is all i can really tell you since i can't tell you anything from experience. I guess try to be more open with others....hit on them :)
It's the same kind of deal with heterosexual relationships: you feel like your friends get noticed more than you do. Here's the thing: just continue being yourself. People who liberally hand out numbers are usually the ones looking for a "good time," if you know what I mean.
If you're looking for sex, then go ahead - make yourself appear "more gay." I think that you are absolutely fine the way you are. If you make yourself seem like someone else, you'll attract attention that you don't want. Just have faith in yourself and continue being you. The right man will come along. =)
why don't you reverse the situation, and learn how to try TO HIT ON other guys, instead of looking for a way to be hit on?
imma girl and i don't mind hitting on other guys. would prefer that to being hit on. widens your selection :D
i have the same problem. My advice is to network. If you meet your gay friends' gay friends, they will introduce you to their other gay friends. Before you know it, you'll be attending all-gay parties where everyone assumes you're gay too. I've found this works best for me. Try meeting people in social situations where there are lots of gays around, so the question being asked is "are you gay or bi?" , not gay or straight. Good luck.
Well, T-shirt, jeans, and a hoodie doesn't exactly shout gay. Unless you've done something to show you are gay, then people will assume you are straight. I probably would, even if you're hanging out with a gay guy, I'd just think you were a nice guy who had a gay friend. Just try something different, be the one to initiate a conversation or maybe dress a little better? Or don't do either and just remember to tell people you are gay or hint at it("I'm not interested in women"). Otherwise, you'll just be another guy in the crowd.
confidence is key.
Hey, if not being flamboyant is who you are, stay that way. They don't hit on you clearly because they think you're straight... So if you really want it to be known you're gay, but be subtle about it without changing who you are, I'd suggest a rainbow necklace. They make some really cool ones that go with any style of fashion you can think of, even the more "hetero" ones. Just google it, they're not hard to find.
Maybe you should try being the one to hit on the guys instead of waiting around for them to hit on you. That's what I do. I don't wear anything rainbow whatsoever and I'm too masculine for anyone to believe me when I tell them I'm bi (most people think I'm lying for some reason)... And I don't want to change that about me because being a huge flamer just isn't me, and I want to find a guy that likes me for me.
It's a shitty situation no matter what, but all that really matters is that you're not changing yourself. These numbers and random guys won't matter in the longrun anyway.
omg, my best friend would love you... he's bi and he doesn't like flamboyant gay guys!
idk, if you're not quite flamboyant enough, i'd say you have to do the work... you could hit on a guy you think is gay, y'know?
i know lots of people who are gay and youd never expect it. they just surround themselves with friends who know people and their people know other people and they mingle and it just happens. this guy who works in the same plaza as me totally doesnt look gay but once you get him talking you can tell. just subtle hints are good enough. and im sure gay people have excellent gaydar. maybe youre just not their type. keep waiting. hell come. :)
I loooove guys who are the straighter gay. I think its so much more hott and sexy no offense to anyone, only problem is you never know which guy is gay or which is straight. Try going to more gay areas lol.