Thursday, 18 December 2008
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Best Friends Growing Up and Getting Married...
This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.Do you know when you're best friends with someone at a very young age, and you grow apart? That's exactly what happened to me and one of my best friends.
She was my neighbor and my classmate, so we saw each other a lot. Plus, our parents liked each other. We promised to stay in touch when she moved away ten years ago, and we did - we're 21 now. But through high school, and now college, we've begun to grow apart. She didn't tell me about big steps in her life, and she didn't even know about or react to drastic changes in my life. We barely talk every year, and we're lucky to see each other three times each year.
I understand people's lives can get hectic, but I also understand the need to be true to your friends. For me, personally, it keeps me human.
Early this year, I saw her for the first time in a while. She told me she was with this older guy, and she couldn't even maintain a conversation for long because she was always thinking about him. After dating him for a month, she lost her virginity. She came from a strong Catholic family and didn't have very many close friends, so I don't think she had anyone to talk to about sex. It was the first I had heard of it from her, and the other friends she told congratulated her about it. But I was worried about her.
So, I sent her a message when I got home, telling her to be careful and giving her some information on safe sex. She seemed grateful for it. I told her she had to know what was right for her in a relationship, too. I was hesitant and silent because I didn't want my best friend ending up pregnant or broken-hearted. Older guys can have a hold on a girl, especially when the girl does not know what she wants to do with her life. I hoped my friend had taken time to be herself in this relationship.
Then we didn't talk for a few months, which is nothing unusual. I assumed she had been really caught up in the relationship, school and work. Then, a week before her birthday, I heard from her.
I found out she was newly engaged, and I know she's going to ask me to be a part of the wedding. But I don't know the guy; I haven't met him once. I don't even know HER anymore. And I don't know if I approve of marriage so early.
I myself am engaged to my best friend of five years and my boyfriend of two years. We aren't getting married for a while, but she doesn't even know I'm engaged.
I know everyone has to do things in their own way. But how does one go about supporting something she doesn't believe in? Is it wrong to be the maid of honor (if my she asks me...) even though I don't think it's right?
I feel I should say no and tell her that it’s because I don’t know her anymore and I don't know the guy. If I say yes and something goes wrong, though, I would want to be there for her. I don't know what the best solution to this problem is.
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Comments (23)
You don't necessarily have to be the maid of honor, but I think it would be a good thing to actually be there as a friend. I'm sure she'll understand how you feel about the situation -- it's not like you'll completely abandon her. Do what's best for the both of you! :)
I think you should go to the wedding anyway. It'll mean something to her. Even though you don't believe it's right, making her feel down by not going isn't going to change her mind. Nor will it make things better.
I think you might have missed your chance to speak up about your disdain towards the relationship.... aside from that the response would most likely draw you two apart even further and have a negative impact.
I'd subtly ask her or comment on how soon the engagement came (see if she opens up about it) and maybe comment on how you think she might want to wait a bit longer to go through with the wedding. That might be pushing it though considering she will eventually find out about your own engagement and feel out of the loop.
There is a time to speak up about friends' crappy relationships and if they still continue in it and REALLY REALLY believe in it we just have to suck it up and be there for her through the wedding and afterwards for whatever the future might bring. That's what good friends are there for.
I do feel you should attend as long as your personal beliefs wouldn't cause trouble. It would be nice to be part of the wedding if she asks that of you, but you could decline and tell her any number of reasons for why.
I don't think you should share your lack of approval (if not outright disapproval) with her. Relationships progress differently, and it isn't anyone else's place to decide what the right time for anything is in a relationship except for those in it. I understand your concern. I'd be concerned, too, if it were my friend. Still, I'm sure there are things about the situation you don't know, and it won't do your friend any good to hear this.
I am in a similar situaiton with one of my longtime friends. She is getting married to a guy I do not know, after only dating him for a few months. I personally would not do the same thing, but it is her life and her choices. You really do not have a say in who she marries unless you know about something she doesn't that would compromise her safety or trust. I'd say go to the wedding.
What I am curious about is why you had to give her info on safe sex and are worried about her becoming pregnant. Are they using protection? If she is not taking even the basest of precautions then it may be a sign that her own careless behavior is the real concern here.
You are free to tell her what you think, within reason of course. But she's 21 and however sheltered she may be in certain areas, you cannot do much to compensate for that. It is up to her to make the decisions and choices. You may not feel too comfortable with it, but unless she isn't doing something completely heinous, you have to let her to what she wants to do.
I don't know... It's not really fair to say you are against her getting married at such a young age, when you yourself are engaged as well. It doesn't necessarily matter how long you've known the guy. I wouldn't bring this subject up to her.
As far as being in the wedding goes, if she asks you and you decline this could change the climate of your relationship. She might think you don't consider her your best friend anymore. Really though, if you are best friends you shouldn't decline her invitation to be in the wedding. Those positions are normally given to the people who have been the closest or who have been friends the longest...not necessarily the people who are closest at the time of the wedding.
Woah, hang on a minute here...
It's her wedding, and you're going to try and tell her how she should run it? Careful there. If you are as much of a part of her life as you claim to be, then I would say that there is almost an obligation to help her out in anyway that she wants.
The time to raise concerns about the relationship has past - they should have been raised when she first came to you to talk to you about her sex life. That's a major issue, especially if she felt that you were one of a few people that she could open up to about this.
Also, what efforts did you try and make to keep in contact? Sorry, but you cant have been much of a friend if you waited for her to contact you. Communication is a two-way street.
If you're also engaged, be careful of being a hypocrite: just because you had to know the guy for five years first doesnt make it a fail-safe model for everyone else to follow. She IS older than 21, after all. She's an adult, and it's not such a young age to get married. That's just society's best attempts at stereotypes to suggest that you have to have been on the merry-go-round first before you can settle down.
In sum: be there for your friend as much as she wants you to be. Don't color her life with your beliefs. Make suggestions, but ultimately all her decisions are exactly those: hers. Remember that.
wait, do you think its not right because you dont know her anymore?
Jeebus this is complicated. On one hand it would be incredibly rude to turn down the position of maid of honor. Especially when she decided to actually hold out for you after you all stopped talking. But then again you shouldnt do anything that makes you feel weird.
Its your call.
Sometimes, even if you don't agree, the best thing is to be there for your friend because if you were in her shoes you would want her to be there for you.
Things do not require your approval.
Yeah, you should go - be there as a friend and stand by them through good times and bad...(sounds corny I know, haha but true!)
All I can say is...it sucks not being so close with a best friend anymore :(
holddd up.. errr back it up. stop oneee sec. engines in reverse... lol. im sooo sorry. this isnt mean to sound rude... but it does sound like you're being a taddd of a control freak!. she's an adult, and she's marrying a man. so there isnt any MORAL issues with it.. example (if you were against gays getting married) etcc. bottom line: Your approval, isnt really necessary in this situation.
You know what though? I do understand your situation. 100%, mine may be a little more complicated. You see, me and this girl Alexandra, our mothers went to highschool and college together, she's exactly 1 year younger than me to the day. We grew up together, and like you said, things changed, we grew apart. Like you, we still see eachother a few times a year, or talk on the phone/email but we're not IN eachother's life. But its one of those friendships that don't REQUIRE that. I KNOW she loves me. She KNOWS I love her. I have come to unconditionally accept the nature of our friendship, as she has come to unconditionally accept the nature of our friendship. Of course, I do have 3 people in my life who I have also known since infant hood, who I'm in constant contact with ever since the three of us were 2 year old.. Its just.. Alexandra and I are different. Not better or worse. Just the nature of the friendship is different.What makes the situation difficult is, long and behold.. Alexandra is a lesbian and asked me to be in her wedding next summer in Cali. She knew my beliefs about marriage being between a woman and a man. We discussed it openly and honestly, and I felt that it would be better if I attended the wedding, not be IN it being that I don't even think it IS a marriage. She totally understood and accepted me where I was.
The truth is.. you need to ask yourself this:
If she asks you to be the maid of honor you should do it because, to be frank, if she has to ask you, then she obviously has nobody else. You guys aren't very close anymore, so for her to do that must mean that you are one of the only friends she has. To turn her down would hurt her so much, and make her feel totally alone on her special day.
All you can really do is accept whatever she chooses to do, try and get to know the guy if you are involved in the wedding, and just be supportive.
It's not like you have any right to interfere when you two aren't that close anyway.
Like you said, you don't really know her or her relationship with this guy. It is great of you to care about her well being but if she is engaged to this guy, she probably knows what she is doing. Additionally, it doesn't seem like he is taking advantage of her and she hasn't talked about or displayed any signs that she is in over her head. Whether or not she ask you to be a part of her wedding, it is not really up to you to decide if she is right or wrong in her relationship since, as you stated several times, you don't know her or what is going on in her life given that you guys have not spoken in a while. Just be happy for her.
i think that if she asks you to be a part of the wedding yo ushould be, because she clearly asked you for a reason, and while yes you may have drifted apart over the years you still stay in touch and to a certain extent you're still close.
as for you not supporting this, i'm not sure i understand what it is exactly that you don't support. i mean, if she's truly happy and she knows she loves this man and wants to marry him, then why is there a problem? just because her values when it comes to relationships and marraige differ from yours doesn't mean that she shouldn't do what is apparently making her happy. now if you have reasons to believe she isn't happy, or isn't making the right decision because she could potentially be very unhappy, then that's different.
the other thing i'd keep in mind is that, from what you've said, although you've kept in touch, you don't know each other as well as you used to. therefore, can you really draw an accurate conclusion about her decisions and what she's doing with her life?
i say if this is really bothering you then don't go to the wedding. but if you two really are friends after all these years, then you should show your support, and show her that you are there for her whenever you need her in the good times and in the bad. we need friends for all sides of life. and if you feel the need to talk to her to try and understand why she's decided to get married at such a young age, then talk to her. you don't have to agree and she doesn't need your approval, but i think it would make you feel better if you understood.
I know that your situation is a little different from mine, but I was asked to be my friend's maid of honor about 1 1/2 ago. She of course was getting married way to quickly and to a guy that i did not like at all. But I did not want to ruin her day so i accepted and i kept my mouth shut for the day. She moved down to NC and marriage went down the toilet (of course it was going down the toliet even before that..not even a month after the wedding).
Of course me being her friend, talked to her almost everyday and would tell her that she needs to get out of the marriage ASAP. Now she was very wishy-washy on the whole "im leaving him" thing, we made up, he's going to change until now. They have taken the right steps (doing marriage counseling and everything),. but she has now came to realize that she got married way to quickly to a guy that only wants her has his maid and does not accept her son unless it benefits him (getting out of work)....finally realized what i have been telling her for the past 1 1/2....she is now starting her 1 year seperation to get the divore final (by NC law) while he is now back in the barricks (where he belongs because he is a total egotistial self absorbed ass).
All i can tell you is to explain your concerns....don't sit back and let something bad happen, if there is a chance you can help, do it! And I know you probably think that it's none of your busy, but if she still thinks of you in the way to be her maid of honor, then your word still means something to her....express them. Don't be afraid that you are going to make her mad because to tell you the truth 9/10 it will happen, but no matter how mad my friend got at me...she still called back :) And now she is thanking me for being by her side every step of the way even though she didn't listen to me until now.
Just talk...tell her your feelings/concerns.
I hope this helps...Blessed Be
I think that if she c omes to you and wants you to be in her wedding, it means that she probably wants you in her life again and feels a close comfort from you. Personally, I would accept this reach because perhaps you two can reconnect during the whole wedding planning process.
wow. 2 of my best friends are going through this same exact ordeal. its such a difficult position to be in. i would just support her but explain that you feel more things need to be on the table. explain your thoughts and see what hers are and just be open. honesty is the best policy. and if being open hinders anything in the relationship then so be it. my friend was asked to be the made of honor, risked being honest, dropped out of the wedding, stopped talking to the bride and then the day before the wedding was reinvited, attended the wedding and now things are great for them.
good luck... I don't know what to say about this
if you don't feel comfortable, don't do it. but honestly I don't think that makes you a very good friend. I'm just a believer in supporting people, whatever their decisions may be. it is their life, they can life it how they want. If she wants to get married to a guy she barely knows, that her prerogative. Just being a friend and supporting her and letting her know that you're there for her (be it as a bride's maid or a regular guest) is what makes you a true friend of hers.
If you don't really know her anymore.. you might not know any new friends she has.. and you might be surprised she doesn't ask you exactly to be the maid of honor.. just a thought.