This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.It started in high school. Now, I know that high school students are far from "relationship wizards" (exhibit A: my one HS friend had a long-term relationship that lasted for a whopping two weeks). But even then, I knew that this person would turn out to be an important part of my life for years to come.
We had a circular pattern of sorts. It always started with one of us professing our feelings for the other (we took turns - one year it would be me, the next it would be him), and I would get my hopes up, thinking that we would finally take that next step. Words can't describe how much I cared about this guy, which is probably why I stuck by him, even after he would confide in me his feelings for another girl within days/weeks of our "talk". For the record, we never actually dated after these professions would take place - instead, we'd agree on our feelings for each other and then go back to simply being friends, all the while ignoring what had happened (weird, right?).
I finally decided that he was simply playing with me. After all, if two people decide they feel the same way, things are supposed to naturally progress, right? But the four year affair took its toll on my self-esteem (which was pretty low in HS to begin with) and left me with a jaded perspective of the opposite sex.
Finally we graduated. I went to college, discovered the party scene, and met scores of guy, all of whom were very up front about their interests in me, whether those interests were long-term commitments or "one-nighters" (which never was my flavor, thank you very much).
The high school guy and I drifted apart but still managed to stay in touch. He had girlfriends, I had boyfriends, and somewhere along the line we grew up.
Or did we?
I changed schools and moved home. We immediately became close again, and I found that he could open himself up to me on a level that he seemed incapable of in high school. I enjoyed being around him again, and even more importantly, I enjoyed the fact that we were able to have an "opposite sex friendship" that didn't involve complication.
But of course, it didn't last. Soon he was flirting with me constantly - to the extent that some of our friends didn't believe us when we'd say we were just friends. He started touching me, tickling me and giving me what I believed were clear signs that he was attracted to/interested in me.
He apologized for what he did to me in high school, saying that he was immature and unsure of himself. And I want to believe him. I want to trust him and to really believe that maybe there could be something between us. After all, we are in our 20s now and certainly not the same teenagers from high school. I want to open myself up so badly, but I can't shake the past - and I can't help but wonder if we are simply following the pattern again.
The whole situation makes me wonder: do we truly mature as much as we think we do, or do we simply repeat the same high school scenarios in our adult years?
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Comments (28)
I definitely think we can become more mature with our relationships as we have more experiences. However, sometimes people do stick to old habits. I personally think I've grown up quite a lot from the person I used to be in high school.
I've been outta high for two years now, and I'm still doing it, and he's been out for ... five years....
I'm still making the same sorts of relationship choices I made in high school.
They were good ones then, and they're good ones now.
You definitely mature, change habits, change interests, but so do other people, so you might keep similar interests between two people even though you have both matured.
Age doesn't change emotions, just the way we go about dealing with them. It some cases, even that may not change.
It really all depends on the person. Take it slowly. Don't force yourself to open up, but if his maturity has grown, it shouldn't be too hard to open up to him. And if he's serious about you, he should be willing to wait for that to happen.
Even though no one's sure what'll be the result of trying, you won't find out unless you actually start down that path, right? And if you think age has given you more wisdom as well, then handling the situations may be less difficult then you think :) Best of luck.
Unfortunately, some people never graduate from high school (figuratively).
@GaMeGurLsH@xanga - getting married and having children does not require maturity.
It depends on the person. My sister repeats all of high school mistakes almost monthly while i have learned from mine and i stay way from them. If you feel it's necessary sit down and talk with him...get straight answers (even though i know it's hard to get that from most guys) and go from there.
1. He feels the same way, why not discuss and try a relationship. (but don't get attached if he says no)
2, He doesn't feel the same way...then stick with what you got. But if you can't handle just being friends with him after getting everything straightened out (like no touching, feelings are out in the open, etc) then maybe it would be emotionally better if you guys didn't stay friends.
Sometimes you can't let what happened in the past block from things in the future esp since you guys did even date....you just got attached it's all up to you. If you feel up to it...try it, but be able to "break apart" if and when need be.
I hope that helps....Blessed Be
I'm with @heartbrokenone15@xanga. It depends on the person.
In high school people usually date with the mindset "he/ she is not the one, but I like/ love now, in this moment." Maybe when the two of you clicked, he felt like you could be a very good match for a long term commitment, but the mindset tells him it won't last, so he avoided it. Now you two are in your 20's and by then a lot of people start to look for meaningful, long term relationships. Maybe that's why he wants you now, of all times.
Your feelings are understandable, just wanted to share my thoughts. It's how I see my situation with a certain somebody right now haha ._.
Honestly, people never really leave high school in a lot of ways. I know I'm still dealing with it at 20, and I get it from people that are even older than me (that get all high school about arguments, relationships, and the like).
While we mature and gain a better vocabulary after high school, I think the habits that we pick up in high school stay with us for the rest of our lives.
I'm in agreement with many of the above commentators. People never truly mature and leave high school in a lot of ways, although this is just another indicator that high school IS life and reality, in a sense, and it's not this dis-attached period in our lives that have no bearing on our future lives.
As for this guy? Sounds like he still doesnt know quite what he wants and so keeps hedging his bets - knowing that if he ever needs a confidence-booster, you're there for him.
It might be time to once and for all get as straight an answer from his as you can: does he see you as girl-friend material, or is he seeing you as just a friend with the potential to turn into a FWB or FB relationship?
Find out one way or the other, because I think until you do it will handicap you in all your other relationships, and that isnt fair to you or to any potential boyfriends that you'll be with.
"We immediately became close again, and I found that he could open himself up to me on a level that he seemed incapable of in high school."
Take a chance with him.
you might want to be careful of "revert-igo".*
people do "mature" since high school, but often they keep the same beliefs, but practice them in different manners than they did before.
I don't think you should date him, and if you do, then be logical about it and develop a mature relationship with him. if he cannot develop a mature relationship with you, then nothing has changed between the 2 of you
* "When you see people from your past, you start acting like you did when
you used to spend time with them. (i.e. you start acting like a
14-year-old when you unexpectedly run into your freshman year boyfriend
at the grocery store)
"how I met your mother
i think that to a certain extent the scenarios and situations that we had in high school can be similar to those that we have in our adult lives, but what's different is how we handle and approach the situation, because clearly through college and everything after that you learn A LOT, and you mature A LOT (hopefully at least, unfortunately some ppl don't grow up). from what i'm understanding of your situation this is my advice to you: he apologized for his actions and that i think is a huge step forward and shows he's grown because he's not attempting to deny anything or pretend like it never happened. he gets brownie points for that. as for you opening up, don't force it. if you're still attracted to each other after all this time then there's no harm in waiting a few more months. let the trust build. if he's seriously into you at this point, and serious about pursuing you, then he will wait. but the most important thing is that you have to trust him and trust that he won't hurt you again. if after a couple of months you feel that you still can't trust him or he's acting in a way that is contrary to what he's telling you, then you might have to move on. one of the most important lessons i think we learn as we go through college and into the real world, especially when it comes to relationships, is that we need to be up front with each other at all times. remember don't force it. if u feel u can't open up then don't and just stay friends.
@t_ray_c@xanga - @AnonymousBlonde@xanga - agree!
I do believe people mature and grow up. It seems like after high school you learn a lot about yourself and start being the person you really want to be.
People mature yes...
You and he both have matured in your own ways, but the relationship you two have.. has it matured? That's something entirely different.
It is possible to grow up while maintaining an immature relationship that never grows up. Let's not forget, you spent 4 years playing cat and mouse with this boy...and in some sick way he might have really enjoyed it, the chasing and being chased after. Maybe your relationship with him will never amount to anything more than just that..because he might not be ready to. Old habits die hard and people get comfortable. Be prepared for disappointment if he decides never to get his feet wet.
@writingsongsforBlair@xanga
"When you see people from your past, you start acting like you did when
you used to spend time with them." Agreed.
"When you see people from your past, you start acting like you did when
you used to spend time with them."
I agree with this also, but I also think that it's different for everyone.
I've been with my boyfriend since our junior year of high school (3 years ago) and we're growing together, not apart.
wow this is practically the exact situation that happened to me about 6 months ago...
from personal experience i would say, yes, people do mature after high school.
when i was a sophomore i had this huge crush on this guy in my band class. he was really shy and quiet but he always flirted with me and tried to talk to me when he got the chance. as much as it seemed that the feelings were mutual, he ended up telling me that they weren't. then some high school drama happened and in my junior year, his senior year, we stopped talking. he went away to college. i didnt speak to him for two years.
one day, back in january, i imed him randomly and we were able to have a very well carried adult conversation, after putting all the past bullshit aside. we continued to talk every now and then for a few months until we were reunited after over 2 years of not speaking. this is how he became my boyfriend.
i asked him what changed his mind about me, this time around. and he told me i was more mature, and that attracted him. he was also more mature. he was more compromising and more open minded than he was in high school.
anyway, my conclusion is that we do mature after high school and usually we don't go about the same dating patterns that we did when in high school. if all the past bs is what's holding you back, don't let it. take a chance. that's what i did. and believe me, there was plenty of bs with this guy in high school. now he's the love of my life :)
also guys mature later than girls...
i'd believe him if he's.. like 25 now haha
You're both in your twenties, so he is probably sincere about his interest.
You're always gonna wonder if ya don't give it a shot, so what the heck?
Talk to him about it. As a guy, it sounds like he's probably interested in you, but I can't say to what extent. Also, though, as a guy, I can tell you that we will sometimes do things without realizing what it is we're communicating by our actions.
Talking is the best way to figure it out, but not talking to us. Talk to him about it. Have an up front, adult conversation about it. Ask him what's going on in his mind, and tell him what's on yours. Reason it out together (if it gets that far) and make an adult, informed, mature decision about what to do.
But, that'll only be possible if you talk to him.