Dr. DatingishMy boyfriend and I have been dating for three years, and we're supposed to be getting married next spring. Over the past three years, he has gotten very angry with me if I couldn't talk to him while he was on break from work. He would call incessantly throughout the entire fifteen minute break, and if I answered and explained that I was busy (at a friend's house, in a movie theater, etc.) he would yell at me. I talked to him about this several times, and he'd keep promising to fix it but never actually would!
Until now.
Now he barely calls me on his breaks, and if there is a hint that I'm doing something else, he politely offers to call later. It's perfect...but it's not him. Yesterday, he was off work, and of the five people who I spoke to via telephone, I spoke to him the least - that includes one telemarketer.
He also is refusing to come to see me now. We live half an hour apart by car, and he always has perfectly viable excuses: It's icy, it's late, it's early, it's dark, he's too tired (he works ten hour shifts), but my car isn't working, and as a result, I haven't seen him in over a week.
So...is he being polite? Or is he losing interest?
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Comments (44)
Not to be an alarmist, because nobody knows your boyfriend better than you, but I would suspect someone else. Seriously. Confront him.
It could be either one. I mean, you seemingly wanted him to call less, and he may have taken it as more than that. Talk to him. And don't jump to conclusions.
Maybe he just feels like you need to be making more of an effort. From what your post says, there isn't a lot of "give" coming from your side.
@nimbusthedragon@xanga - I would tend to agree with this point of view... especially if you are supposed to be married pretty soon.
Even if he was backing off slightly thanks to your talks, that's taking it to the extreme.
As your getting married, I would think he would want to spend all the moments he could with you.
Alarm bells should be ringing, especially as a marriage is on the line.
I agree that if you're considering marriage, which is a serious life decision, he should want to spend every free minute with you, in a not so clingy way.
This is why I want to move in with my boyfriend before I marry him. If marriage was a car, living together before marriage would be the test drive.
Red flag - There is someone in the picture. I would face this head on than finding out after you got married. Married is a very serious thing to get into. It can be very messy/costly to get out of. I would just go ahead and talk with him and see what he says.
a week is not that bad.
ive always seen 3 years as the making or breaking point.. there seems to be some communication problems between you, i think its best if you confront him/go visit him.. not in an all suspiscious manner though, becareful of that and try not to jump to conclusions as of yet... just be prepared.
you guys have a long talk, try and work thigns out... all about compromising and working WITH each other.
all the best x
He strikes me as incredibly passive aggressive. Sit down and talk to him about it. Communication is the most important thing in a relationship and if you're going to marry this guy soon, you should be able to have this conversation without any bs from him.
what you dont give your man the next female will give him, u didnt give him the time so he might have found someone who does not saying in that way but as a friend and now he dont mind that you dont have time for him. hopefully thats not the case but it deffintly sounds like it tho. everyone has needs and they do need to be met unless they will go searching for it elsewhere.
It could be a number of things but I doubt its someone else.
Granted, you've mentioned to him how much you dislike how he calls and yells insistently, and as a result maybe he thinks he is benefiting the relationship by giving you some space. If you have been going out with him for that long, its unprobably ( if he isn't a douche bag and he does want to marry you) that he would take such steps, as to cheat on you or see someone else. I can see that happening in a casual relationship, but marriage commitment is heavy duty.
He most likely just feels rejected and possibly a little de-maned from the entire situation
I think it's something else and not being polite if he just started ignoring the calls and stuff. Cold feet? Don't jump to conclusion, bring it up one day and see what he says.
Well, damned if you do. Damned if you don't. Make up your mind, sweetie. What do you want from him!?!?
reverse psychology, he's giving you what you want but at an overly exaggerated amount.
I doubt he's cheating on you though, even a dumbass who's cheating on their girl would know to make things more discreet than blatantly switching off their personality or tendencies.
all the best!
His behavior is unusual but I wouldn't go as far as say he has another woman in his life (as the above people suggested) I think he's just angry with you for whatever the reason =/
Not seeing each other for a week is not such a long time or such a big deal. It could be that, like you said he was just busy that week.
Not calling you when he used to call you a lot is the unusual thing...it could be that he did listen to what you said and changing himself accordingly. Or he's just pissed at you for not answering the phone and in a sense (giving you a taste of your own medicine - which I highly think you deserve by the way) In any case, you need to talk to him and get this sorted out. Someone's got to make some concessions, especially if you're getting married =/
@exclamated@xanga - I think the same thing.
I think he's just pissed and taking it to an extreme. Talk to him about it and see what happens, then take it from there.
I'd say something's up, definitely...I mean...I'm seeing this guy who lives an hour and fifteen minutes away and takes the time to come see me...whether for a quick lay or to just chill with me, he still takes the time to come see me.
Granted he stood me up two weekends ago without an explanation, but it was understandable since he had a rough weekend...I just wish he would have called first to cancel plans...instead of leaving me hanging.
but ya, I, too, think there is something going on that he's not telling you.
Odd and unusual..of a loving boyfriend.
Just confront him about it and see how he responds. If he's showering you with affection and attention only a week ago, but have turned it completely off..my best guess is..he's doing it deliberately to send you a message.
I believe he's trying to hurt you, for what reasons..I'm not too sure. I don't think he has another woman, but the idea isn't totally insane. However, I do believe that if a man is cheating on his gf..he wouldn't be so obvious about it unless of course he's reconsidering the relationship and needs his distance..if this is the case, then he's being very immature about it.
You guys need to talk so open the lines of communication and find out what's in his head.
I think he might be cheating but there is a chance he is not.
The fact that marriage is coming might just be making him nervous maybe he might be scared that u wont be happy with him as ur hubby. I suggest u talk 2 him about it and be sure 2 ask him if there is someone else ( only if u really suspect another woman though).
best of luck!
I wouldn't jump to that he's cheating, what if he's not? Then will look terrible on you and he'll think you don't trust him. You can call him up and say sweetie I haven't talk to you much and haven't seen you in a while, I miss you, where have you been? Something light and too pushy. If he's doing the reverse psychology, it may be best not to be harsh.
You asked for it, and now you have it. He's distancing himself from you because you told him he was clinging too much. If it ends up killing the relationship because he can't handle space, that's just how it is. But I think you should take it for what it is (you asked for space and now you have space) and not freak out.
My husband and I had a long distance relationship when we first dated (for a year) and even though we were just dating he would come up every weekend (from Akron which is about a 45-60 minute drive) and talk on the phone for HOURS everyday. Then after I graduated, we moved in together (he moved here).
He would call me every chance he got when he was at work also...the one job I knew what time every break was so i would try to be available (that wasn't always the case, but he wouldn't get mad). Then there was the job, he has now, which i have no idea when his breaks will be...at first he would call 3-5x A DAY and i finally told him that there was no need for him to call me that much. He of course got upset and would ask "well why not?" and i told him that he never talks since it's the same thing everyday so i sorta felt like he was stalking me or something.
So he would stop for a little then back to his old ways so i would start just hanging up on him....he FINALLY got the hint...of course that didn't come without consequences...fights and all came out of that, but we came to a compromise. Now he still calls me everyday from work, but he mixes it up...one day will be only 1x....the next 3x...and that doesn't bother me as much even though 9/10 he still doesn't have anything to talk about.
So in my opinion he is just being a male...when a woman tells a male something, they take it the way they THINK we want it (which is usually to the extreme..."Oh, you don't want me to call you 5x a day? I just won't call you at all." But if you have already explained to him on "HOW" you want him to call you (2x a day or something), then there is a problem. Also, with his day off, you BARLEY talked to him...that would be a red flag to me esp if he didn't have plans for the whole day and was busy.
Now with the excuses...I wouldn't put up with them (another red flag would be waving for me.). Even my husband, when dating, would come down just for one day if we both had off just to spend time with me....and with you guys PLANNING on getting married in like 4 months, he should want to spend every minute that he can with you.
I'm sorry, but I would NOT have the wedding this spring. If you guys are having "the stupid fights" that couples have 4 months before marriage you NEED to wait!!! And I know there are people out there that will disagree with me, but i STRONGLY encourage people to live together before marriage for at least a year. Yes, you will have the ones that say, "well statistics show that people that live together are most likely not to get married." Well is getting to know that the person isn't for you before marriage bad?? I sure as hell don't think so.
And then you also have the ones that like to say, "well statistics show that people that live together are more likely to get a divorce." Now I have asked to see these statistics and have even researched them myself....NONE of them show the cause and effect! (which i get no response from those people when i tell them that) They don't say/show the age, how fast they got married, etc. So how can they be accurate??
So again, live with him first because you really truly don't know a person until you live with them no matter how long you are dating (w/o living together). And trust me there will be a lot more of the "stupid fights" to come...yes living with each other pretty much brings them all together at once (the biggest one will be money) but i rather have that than have none-3 while dating then have the rest after marriage (and found out that the relationship doesn't work and yes i have seen it happen)....if you can get through those "stupid fights" you are PRETTY much good to go! :)
So in the end....TALK/CONFRONT HIM!! Talking is the best thing....compromise and again I STRONGLY ENCOURAGE TO LIVE WITH EACH OTHER FIRST (for at least a year) AND WAIT LONGER TIL MARRIAGE! My husband and I got married 3 years after dating/living together. We got all of those "stupid fights" out of the way the first year of living together and trust me i do not know how many times i have threatened to leave him during that first year. But it never happened and in the end everything worked out. (If the fighting didn't end after the first year i would have left because it would have showed me that we weren't compatible enough for marriage). Now we are working on 2 years of marriage and 5 years being together :)
I hope this helps and Good Luck!
Blessed Be
I highly doubt there's another person. You wanted him to back off, maybe he took it a little harder and though " Fine, want me to leave you alone than I will"
Just bring it up, do you not want to see me?
nah for sure he is getting pussy elsewhere. like 95% sure.
@nimbusthedragon@xanga - agreed...abrupt changes like that can only mean one of a few things. ask him what's going on.