Wednesday, 17 December 2008
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One Date Does Not Make You My Freakin' Boyfriend.
This is a guest blog submitted by eowynnabeeowyn.When my knight comes riding in with his armor glittering in the sun and his faithful steed's mane swirling gracefully in the breeze, he'd better not expect me to marry him just because he saved my life from one ogre.
Much like how in real life, paying for one dinner does not make you my freakin' boyfriend.
I've been lied to my entire life. In every movie, every TV show, every book, every magazine article and every rumor passed among junior high girls, I've been told that guys are afraid of commitment. However, I have been discovering something in my old age - either I am completely commitment-phobic, or males, in growing numbers, are becoming relationship leeches.
Who said you couldn't pet your cat anymore just because I'm allergic? Who confirmed these future trips to the beach to which you keep referring? When and why did you tattoo my initials there?!
A friend's recent woes inspired this post. She reconnected with this guy she'd known a long time ago and who had just found her again on a website, and after they hit it off after a night of talking, they agreed to a date. Within the days prior to the big night though, he suddenly started referring to the two of them as "we". He also told his whole family about her, added her to his top friends, talked about making a move and started bashing every ex she'd ever had. To make matters worse, he shared just how happy he was with the new relationship - all before they even saw each other in person for the first time in a significant number of years.
So when she didn't feel the spark (and when he got creepier) after the date, she decided to be upfront and call things off. Of course, he felt incredibly hurt, supposedly surprised, and couldn't believe that she picked So-And-So (at one time, long ago) over him (now, when she's older and wiser and barely speaks to So-And-So). This response did not surprise me, but it still thoroughly pissed me off.
ONE DATE. This does not automatically make two people an item. Am I the only one who realizes that they only hook up after one date in the movies because that's all we have time to watch? She was honest with him because she didn't want to further lead him on and he was obviously more into her than she previously assumed - should she be blamed for taking any interest in him at all? And how could she have called things off before the date when he was gushing like that?
I told her it was better to be truthful than try to force something that wasn't working so that they could both be miserable and angry when they inevitably broke up later. That being said, I believe that a person can grow on you - in the metaphorical sense, though, not the literal. If the person attaches himself like a parasite from day one, you're forced to either bear it and suffocate to death or fight him off. Call it a case of "it's not me, it's definitely you" self-defense.
Because this is not the first time either of us have had to give a guy the slip, we're beginning to question that rumor that the girls crave long-term relationships. If this is the kind of dating people are into now, it seems I'm going to continue being single for a very long time. I'm an analyzer through and through - I may think you're hot, but I'll immediate theorize how much time you put into appearance, how you use that appearance to your advantage, and whether you have enough time leftover in the day to play video games or read a book.
And whether you play the game or read the book is information one can only acquire during the date or while hanging out as friends. It takes time to observe a person, learn their likes, dislikes, habits, and faults. There's got to be a spark, but then there has to be a flame afterward, or it's rubbish.
So what do you think, guys and gals? Which sex is more cautious when it comes to committing? Or is it all a bunch of stereotypes, and we're about equal?
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About the Author
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- From: eowynnabeeowyn@xanga
- Name: Lady of Ithilien
- Location: Chicago, Illinois, United States
- About Me: "What do you fear, lady?" he asked. "A cage," she said, "To stay behind bars, until use and old age accept them, and all chance of doing great deeds is gone beyond recall or desire." I am a recent college grad, with a love for traveling and the stuffed dog who accompanies me.
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Comments (169)
I've found that the guys I've recently dated are more interested in commitment than I am, too. It's just a date, guys. Chill.
cautions switch as the roles of the sexes in society switch. I think we should all care about long-term relationships (guys and girls alike).
The feminist movement taken too far, I think, is to blame for committment-phobia reversal. Guys are seeing it as far from guaranteed that they'll "get" the wife of their dreams if they just play the field like they used to.
Women aren't as desperate anymore, which is a good thing, but I think that newfound "power" is going to many of their heads, and guys' confidence is shrinking, making them seem like "leeches."
Both male and female should genuinely care about committment and marriage. Either one who doesn't (or cares too much) has an imbalance.
In my experience, the guy has definitely been the one that's been FAR more gung-ho from the get-go. I don't know if it's just something about me that attracts guys like that, or what the deal is. I dated a guy that introduced me to his father as his girlfriend...the very first time I'd met his dad, and after I'd already had a talk with him about how we were most definitely not boyfriend/girlfriend.
I've had a number of similar sitautions, though not all to that degree of clinginess/wanting to be exclusive too soon. My current boyfriend has displayed signs of being a bit more attached than I am, but has also displayed signs of being a bit less attached - I think it's a good balance.
Overall, I'd say that desire to be in a committed relationship is probably shared about equally between the two genders, despite what social suggestions would have us believe.
the over-committed guys I've met have been either Christians (read: need marriage for sex) or victims of low self-esteem. combine the two, and you gotta take up kickboxing to give them a hint.
of course, as a stereotype, women are the clingy ones. I've met enough of the aforementioned types to believe we're about equal, though.
I think there's not much truth to what you're saying here and that the sexes are equal in regards to commitment. Each person, both the man and the woman, needs time together to know if a commitment is worthwhile to make. It's about striking a healthy balance, and, like you said, getting to know them for their likes, dislikes, habits and faults.
It's all just a process that takes time for each partner to develop. Balance is the key to the kingdom with this post, and it takes both sides to reach such an equilibrium.
I think its perfectly fine for someone to get exited about a relationship like that, so long as they are not possesive or have baggage they didnt leave at the door.
Most dudes that are desperate like that, most of the time are forced out of a long relationship and want a relationship again and are eager for it, there are a lot of girls like that too.
personally i feel that as women age we have the dating standards of an 18 year old boy. aka ( i dig you now and if i still dig you in a few months or a year awesome! if not..."NEXT!") and as boys become older..they slowly turn into 13 year old girls....as for fairy tale romance i have found it does exist i mean it's only been a few years but the words "i love you" or "forever" no longer mean i have to break up with the one who's saying them. that day will come and does exist... don't settle! as for the crazies pushing the forever lets get married thing...well i have plenty of engagement rings in my jewelry dish....guys can get really clingy and leech like really quickly. so who ever you've got in your life trapping you... don't worry....unfortunately...it's completely normal
hahaha, it's funny that you wrote this because i've experiened this very recently with 2 guys. after ONE date and like a couple of weeks of TEXT MESSAGING, they were practically telling me the loved me. my issue with this isn't just that its creepy as hell, it's that they don't know anything about me and already are proclaiming how perfect i am. ugh, if they're not like that they don't call ever.
i dunno though. i guess we're about equal when it comes to the stereotypes. i haven't really heard many about commitment in particular. its usually that girls are too sensitive and think too much and guys dont think enough.
Women are biologically more inclined to seek commitment. It's not that more men are looking for commitment, it's that less women are, whether that's because women are more career oriented than they were forty years ago or some other reason.
I'm proud to say that commitment scares the shit out of me. But some guys feel like they don't have other options out there, so they cling on to a girl like a life boat.
I know girls who tend to be kind of clingy and crazy from the very beginning, and I've had a couple of run in with guys who are the same way. I think all of that neediness is caused more by loneliness or lack of confidence rather than gender. Desperation is sad, but it is in no way unique to either sex, in my opinion.
it is a bunch of sterotypes and we are about equal. I mean, I really am looking for that long term relationship/commitment thing but I want to know it's right before going in. It's a bit scary when someone wants to commit to a relationship after the first couple dates. You said it pretty well that there needs to be that spark between us, and then that flame needs to keep on going afterwards or it's useless.
@Shannannagin@xanga - I would agree with that to some degree . . . and I sympathize with the troubles here.
I got around this by being really good friends with my current (Christian) boyfriend for about six years before starting to date (and even at that, we spent a week or two to decide whether dating was a good plan for us).
It depends on the person, I don't believe that girls or guys as a group are more likely to commit. Thats just generalizing when everyone has their own reasons for getting or not getting into committed relationships.
I have to agree with you..A friend called me because she had this guy she wanted me to meet..and after one night of just hanging out he decides hes in love with me and will NOT leave me alone. I've have tried explaining to him that I do not wish to date him nor did I ever..and now he pretty much wants to marry me...he just doesnt get it..and i'm about to lose my mind.
I say you need to talk about it first before you call someone you date your significant other. Many women want to date casually. We're getting to know you over dinner or other form of a date, not committing to a relationship. We don't want to meet your family or discuss future plans revolving around 'us.' When talking about the future with 'us,' you shouldn't go beyond whether or not a second or third date should be scheduled.
~~Mary~~
@ashyy17@xanga - I know exactly how you feel. A guy asked me to go to an amusement park with him, and I initally said no until he said a few of our friends would be there. I told him I didn't want to date him but hanging out with him AND the others would be okay. Afterwards he told me he loved me and wants to be with me and all that. I told him I didn't want to be more than "friends" and that I didn't have those feelings for him. He doesn't get it. He keeps on asking me out!
/Shrug.
Some people are just clingy and needy. They want the security of being in a relationship, regardless if both parties are interested in such a commitment. I don't really think it's limited to just one gender.
I feel the same way you do...most of the guys I've recently dated have been gung-ho commitment, while I'm all about easing into things. And they wonder why I run away...
But I do think we're all equal...some girls & guys are all about commitment, some aren't...it goes both ways and we all have our reasons.
lol.. i have to disagree with this post.
Most guys want to Appear as if they want a commitment, but the truth is they just want you to themselves...
they're selfish just like everyone else.
just stereotypes. it depends on the person.
@two_days_until_forever@xanga - Yes..its driving me insane..and now my own friends are against me telling me hes a great guy and blah blah blah...a little obsessive if you ask me.
I totally agree with you on that one!
I went out on a date with this guy. He's one of my friends, he's sweet and funny, and I thought I felt something for him.
We went on one date. On the date, he referred to me as his girlfriend. And I told him "This is just a date. To be my boyfriend, you have to actually ask me to be your girlfriend"
He got quiet for a moment and then the date continued. Of course I realized after the date I didn't feel anything for him and so I told him.
AMEN to everything on that post.
And I don't know if men or women tend to be more commitment-crazy. I for one am definitely not commitment-crazy, especially at my age. If a guy did that to me, I'd have the same reaction. But hell, it has happened to me! And with that said, it is creepy. Also, having that sort of reaction, i don't think makes you a commitment-phobic. In fact, I think I can safely say it just makes you a wise person.
Honestly, I don't think gender has to do with anything in this topic. I think it's more on sanity...
-SgMl
@loudletters@xanga - That's a response to the old belief that once a woman likes a date, they'd someday like a commitment. Hehe! But I guess it is all in the connection.
@ashyy17@xanga - Yes, it's always weird when the guy likes you much more than you like him. I don't think it ever turns out right when he starts out extremely obsessive. But if he's just a little more interested than you are, usually you can develop deeper feelings if he's a normal and good guy.