Wednesday, 17 December 2008
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Dear Dr. Datingish: We Were Making Out, He Stopped; Now He Won't Talk to Me
I'm dating a guy who's giving up on our relationship. A while ago, he said that things between us were hopeless, but last Friday, a few things happened that made me wonder whether things are different from what he's said.
I came back from an overseas trip on the pretext of handing him a souvenir I'd bought for him, but we ended up making out - I initiated it. It was pretty passionate and pretty intense; however, he did show a lack of enthusiasm for it and at the end of it, he stopped at the very last moment before we were about to have sex. My question is, what happened?
Does he feels bad about the idea of sleeping with me because he might leave me in the future? Is he wondering whether he ought to do it or not, or is he really torn because he now has newer feelings for me? He always tells me he doesn't want me to get pregnant, he doesn't want to hurt me, he doesn't want me to feel an emotional attachment because he is a doctor and all that and he wants to do the right thing, but, why get in such situation with me in the first place?
He seems to now shy away from any type of discussion of that night and is starting to show his distance...so do I give up or continue to wait? I am really confused by his distance and the conflicting things that he has done.
I tried to initiate more contact between us, but I've been flatly rejected so far.
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Comments (48)
having a discussion about this with him will help. Atleast it will establish whether the rship is going to continue or not. It seems as if he's going to leave and maintaining or elongating the distance to make the process easier.....sometimes it just happens dear...
This is just my immediate reaction, he has someone else and is trying to let you down easy. I could very well be wrong, and in that case I wouldn't wait around for him to come around.
In no way would I wait for him. If he can't express to you how he feels, he isn't worth your time. You deserve some sort of explanation on what is going on.
Move on and find someone who will appreciate you in the way you deserve!
Actions speak louder than words... although in this case, he's both said and shown you that things are over
.
I would focus less on his initial response, and more on the fact that he stopped things before they could go too far. Very few men would do that, so that tells me he is very serious about ending things.
you said it yourself, he has rejected you. move on.
If he rejects you than it is time to move on. I know that it is a bitter pill to swallow but the truth is always better than all the lies we tell ourselves. Honestly, he must have other things going on and he sucks for not being honest with you about it. But, despite it all, you must move on. Im sorry but we all just have to move on sometimes. And, at least in my case, keep moving on.Â
I'm thinking the answer is right in front of your face, and you just don't want to hear it. But what john said was right: his actions are far more telling than anything you could say. Just move on... you deserve better.
Yeah, for whatever reason, he's just not that into you.
What exactly is wrong between you? You need to figure out if it is something that he dislikes about you or just he doesn't think it will work out because he doesn't want to be with you, like there is no chemistry. Is there something you can do? Fights you could avoid? Or is the issue just about him? Cause these are two different things.
But if you are really nice, and you are doing your best and nothing wrong then I think there is nothing you can do.
Also, did he EVER see a future with you? Wanted to have kids, marry you, etc? If he did, then you should pursue this and not give up. Ask him what has changed. If not, if he has *always* said there is no future... You need to distance yourself too.
You guys need to talk so at least you know what is going on. It will be hard, but if he isn't into you, I promise you down the line he will just break your heart even more. Maybe also it will be hard to hear him tell you he doesn't see it working, but in the long run it will give you closure. If he won't answer just write him an email. Wait a week tops. Then move on. You deserve a guy who is really into you.
All these questions that you are asking are things you should be asking him.
If he's distancing himself from you, you can either talk to him or just let him go. If you try to talk to him and it isn't successful, then just let him go. No one is worth trying so hard over. Relationships of any kind take the efforts of everybody in it. It doesn't work if you're the only one doing all the work (i.e. communication).
maybe you have bad breath.
You need to discover why he feels its 'hopeless.' Could it be that he has fallen for someone else? It takes a lot of willpower for a guy to stop just before sex. This means 'something' is keeping him from it. It can be a variety of things. The three that come to mind are: medical problems, a third party and ridiculously strong religious values or just strong values against premarital sex perhaps?
Whatever the case, you need to discuss it with him...
I'm wondering if he might be seeing someone else?
He sounds like a decent guy who doesn't want to hurt you, but he should be more upfront about his feelings. Until then, don't wait around for him.
@SnowGlobe2954@xanga - I was initially think that too. Perhaps he may already be starting to see someone else? Not sure though.
It's time for you to move on.
You could try to talk to him about it, but I think from his behavior, you're best to just let him go. You need a guy who is sure about his feelings for you, and clearly this guy doesn't match up with that. It seems like he realizes this, so he's respectable to that extent.
@abcxunt@xanga - rofl
but seriously though, while it looks like you already have your answer, it would be a really good idea to confront him on the issue.
there may be something totally different going on here that you're completely unaware of.
i think you should talk to him about it before you go jumping to huge conclusions about why he acted/is acting this way.
"It was pretty passionate and pretty intense; however, he did show a lack of enthusiasm for it"
that makes no sense really.
anyway, on topic --- forget about him.
walk off babe.no point to stay there for him anymore.
Give up, his mind/heart is not into it/you anymore.
6 words: "He's just not that into you."
I think it's time to find someone new...
move on
Try to have an honest to goodness conversation with how he feels. Make sure that you come across as someone that's emotionally stable and that if you're seeking the truth, you're ready to handle it. A lot of the time, guys don't tell girls what they really think because we don't want to hurt them. Mostly, we don't really know what to do when girls cry, as it just seems to make them more attached. The attachment becomes a problem when we want to distance ourselves from the girl.
My initial assessment is that the guy is just ready to move on, but he respects you (as well as himself) not to try to "exploit the situation," namely by making out or having sex with you. That's a good thing, not a bad thing. If you really want to know the why's and the how's, you'll have to assure him that you can handle the truth. He's acting the way he is, most likely because he doesn't want to complicate matters in what would likely be a disappointing outcome. On a brighter note, there are other guys out there -- it's a big sea with a lot of fish -- so don't get too down on yourself if the news isn't what you're hoping for.
@atmaster@xanga - you're heartless