Tuesday, 16 December 2008

  • On The First Day of Christmas, My True Love Didn't Give to Me...

    This is a guest blog submitted by SwTwiTtOChiPmUnK.

    So really, just how dense are guys?

    Years of dating experience has taught me that as a general rule, guys are as thick as the Bialowieza Forest when it comes to the ways of women that they love and care about. Which means we, the females, get the short end of the stick. I mean, how straightforward and honest is too straight forward and honest? The language of subtlety and hints is not one that most men are proficient in, yet it's the language that women rely on to convey what we really want.

    What's coming out of our mouths:
    "Honey, I heard from Jane that this restaurant is fantastic."
    "Sweetie, have you seen my other sock?"

    What we're ACTUALLY saying:
    "I want to go on a date to this restaurant. Take me."

    What's coming out of our mouths:
    "Baby, aren't these earrings gorgeous?"
    "Sweetheart, I'm gonna go find a place to sit down."

    What we're ACTUALLY saying:
    "I want these earrings. Look at them. Remember them. Buy them for me."

    What's coming out of our mouths:
    "I heard Disneyland is really pretty during Christmas time. There's decorations and lights and fake snow."
    "That's dumb. I'd rather go snowboarding and see REAL snow."

    What we're ACTUALLY saying:
    "I want to go to Disneyland and experience the happiest place on earth during the holidays with you."

    And while I, for one hate beating around the bush and hinting furiously at something, it seems really bratty to say unashamedly, "I want this. Buy it for me. Do this for me. Take me there." And while this is not an everyday thing, on occasion, we women really want things that are hard to ask for. So we drop hints like Hansel and Gretel dropping bread crumbs and pray to God that our significant others will pick up on the bread trail and give us what our hearts REALLY want.

    And in certain cases where we really do want something and find a way to directly tell our boyfriends/husbands/friends what we want, it kind of takes the wind out of our sails. Because the whole reason we drop hints is simply to guide our significant others in the right direction. Women like to be surprised, ESPECIALLY if it's something they mentioned or hinted at.

    So really, is it better to be demanding, bratty and satisfied? Or coy, subtle and disappointed?

    Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays. Here's to hoping that Santa brings us a little more patience and understanding, ladies. 

Related Posts

Comments (62)

  • JessxMaxine@xanga
    I don't think there is anything wrong with just being straight-forward and honest. I usually just tell my boyfriend, "oh I want a pair of these, or look at that necklace its so pretty and/or I would love to go there with you."

    I think it just depends on how you say it.
    if you say it in the demanding: give, buy, take me now kind of way, yeah, that may not end well.

    Xo
  • abcxunt@xanga

    some men are really dense. if i want to go somewhere, i ask him if he wants to go. and if he doesn't, i'll go myself.


    and i buy my own jewelry. he has taken me to a jeweler before and let me pick out what i wanted. once. every other time, i will do it myself. he doesn't owe me anything... he doesn't need to give me gifts.
  • SWEETxN0VEMBER@xanga

    i don't think it's wrong to just say it. I usually just tell my bf what i like, what restaurant i want to try, and where i wanna go.

    just say what you mean and be honest, that's the key.
  • jzrocker@xanga

    yup, you have to be straightforward. You won't sound bratty if you're not constantly asking for things
  • sabbygurl@xanga

    heh....


    it depends on what it is i want.  though, i'm lucky cause my bf understands my hints most times when it comes to things i want. 


    but...i'm also one of those type of people that if i wanted it i'd just say it and be "bratty".  though it doesn't make me any more happy or less happy for getting it really.  it's more about the fact that he actually remembered what i said.
  • my_final_username@xanga

    Happy holidays etc
  • lil_eric@xanga

    Some men really are dense, and I don't think you can automatically assume that guys are going to key in on the little details of your life. I hate to say it, but sometimes you just have to spell it out for them. That being said, if a guy does notice what you're asking for, I think you ought to be really grateful if he gets it for you.

    That's my take on things -- honesty and straightforwardness can often go a long way. But taking a step back though, think about what you're saying -- based on your entry, it seems like you're expecting this guy to be at your beck and call to get you earrings, take you to Disneyland, and whatnot. Maybe those are just fictitious examples, but it's quite possible that the guy is just playing dumb and blowing you off that way. I mean, if a girl were that demanding, I'd probably do the same thing. Gifts are given out of generosity, not because someone asked for them...

  • AnonymousBlonde@xanga

    I'm normally just straightforward with my boyfriend since he's usually too broke to buy me anything.  That way if he surprises me with it, it's actually kind of special since he doesn't really have the money.
  • la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga

    Do you know what your heart SHOULD really want?

    Well, I can't speak for yours. But mine would be 100% satisfied with a happy and safe holiday with my loved ones.

    Stop with the materialistic grabbing. If you want those earrings, buy them yourself. A gift is supposed to be something that HE thinks of for you, not something that he feels obligated to get you because you kept hinting at it (without ever actually telling him!)
  • PJrhymeswithcoolJ@xanga

    You know, I know woman love to speak in rhymes and riddles and hints and mythical tongue, but then when men don't follow, we're at fault?
  • EmanBruin@xanga

    What you might find dense, I just think guys are just being guys.

    We need direction. How in the world are we supposed to figure out you wanna go out from, "Sweetie, have you seen my other sock?" Seriously, how? We're thinking you've been careless with the laundry.

    My point is, if you tell us that once in a while, you would like to go for no other reason than to go out, we'll get that. We hope. We're doing our best. Have patience.

  • immaairheadxl@xanga

    here's two words:


    SUGAR DADDY.


    =P lol jk.
  • Just_call_me_the_underdog@xanga

    "And while I, for one hate beating around the bush and hinting furiously
    at something, it seems really bratty to say unashamedly, 'I want this.
    Buy it for me. Do this for me. Take me there.'"

    Because IT IS bratty. Why do you want to be rewarded for being a brat, are you serious?!?! That's your idea of true love?

    "And while this is not an
    everyday thing, on occasion, we women really want things that are hard
    to ask for."

    So do we men! Hey, maybe WE'VE been giving hints and YOU haven't been picking up on them. ;)

    "So we drop hints like Hansel and Gretel dropping bread
    crumbs and pray to God that our significant others will pick up on the
    bread trail and give us what our hearts REALLY want."

    Men are not mind readers, are you? Dropping hints is a juvenile way to try and get what you want. Your idea of "true love" is that everytime you want a pair of earrings, a fancy dinner, a trip to a resort, you'll start dropping hints and hoping he delves into them right away? How will he differentiate between when you're "hinting" at things and when you're just saying random stuff? Not an everyday thing - my ass.

    According to this logic, any random thing you could say has a hidden meaning and he'll never be able to just take whatever you say at face value. What about other situations, does "You really enjoy that brand of pizza" equate "You're going to start eating loads of it and getting fat"? Does "I'm going to be going to the PTA meeting later" equate "Pick me up, drop me off, and fill my tank of gas for me"? Does "ugh, this math homework is horrible" mean "do it for me"? Does "my text plan sucks" mean "memorize my information and then buy me a text plan"?

    More importantly, you want to be treated and pampered with all these things for the holidays, but what are YOU giving YOUR husband? If I were to be as generalizing of women or stereotyping as you're being with this whole post, I'd say it's probably empty proposals of sex to lead him around the nose with, which you then take back later because you're too tired or whatever.

    "And in certain cases where we really do want something and find a way
    to directly tell our boyfriends/husbands/friends what we want, it kind
    of takes the wind out of our sails. Because the whole reason we drop
    hints is simply to guide our significant others in the right direction.
    Women like to be surprised, ESPECIALLY if it's something they mentioned
    or hinted at."

    Surprises are just that, surprises. You can't EXPECT surprises, you can't ASK for surprises, and you can't WANT surprises, they HAPPEN on their own. 

    "So really, is it better to be demanding, bratty and satisfied? Or coy, subtle and disappointed?"

    NEITHER are better. Being coy and subtle? It's called being manipulative. Don't be "SURPRISED" if your man disappoints you whenever you "hint" at things. For all you know, he actually KNOWS you're hinting but HE'S trying to communicate something - "Ask and you'll receive". Maybe HE wants you to be honest, maybe HE'S disappointed that you're hinting all the time?

    "Years of dating experience has taught me that as a general rule, guys are as thick as the Bialowieza Forest
    when it comes to the ways of women that they love and care about."

    From what you've depicted here, there's no dating experience involved in this bitter, greedy sentiment of yours, there's just "disappointment" from the equivalent of a childish gambler who plays those coin slot machines and hopes to cash in big. There are many ways we love and care for you women, and if you're going to base the definition of love and care on how much you want to be spoiled and pampered, you're in for a massive reality shock.

    "Which
    means we, the females, get the short end of the stick. I mean, how
    straightforward and honest is too straight forward and
    honest?"

    It's so obvious why you're asking that question. Not knowing the lines and boundaries and thus sinking back into these petty games. Boo hoo, you think YOU'VE gotten the short end of the stick if you're not being spoiled rotten and bought expensive things.

    In conclusion: If your idea of love and care is to be sneaky, "coy" and "subtle" and hope that he sees that you're "nudging" him to "surprise" you, YOU better provide some love and care, too.

    @lil_eric@xanga - I agree wholeheartedly with your post.

  • methodElevated@xanga

    If you're not being straightforward, no one is going to know how sincere you are about anything.
  • AznShyKitty@xanga

    I think my boyfriend has gone through too much trouble in the past by trying to understand women.

    I have been through too much trouble to try to understand men.

    So, we just play the honesty and say-it-straight-to-my-face game. It's simple and direct. We'd be able to understand each other and communicate well.

    I wanted to go to Disneyland for Christmas. I did not "hint it," hoping that he will catch my drift. I just said, "Honey, let's go to Disneyland for my birthday, yeah?" And of course, he'd say yes.

  • Just_call_me_the_underdog@xanga

    @la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - Agreed with you too. The holidays are about giving, not hoping you'll receive what you want. "Materialistic" was the perfect word to use, too. 
  • di_ya@xanga

    Ya know, I just tell him what I want.  I go:  "Honey buy me that fabulous Cartier ring!" and he will either say: "Okay" or "No".
  • IsolentBystander@xanga

    To quote,
    So really, is it better to be demanding, bratty and satisfied? Or coy, subtle and disappointed?

    Here's the meat of the discussion, and what I'd really like to talk the most on, but there's something I need to touch base with before continuing.

    Specifically,
    Because the whole reason we drop hints is simply to guide our
    significant others in the right direction. Women like to be surprised,
    ESPECIALLY if it's something they mentioned or hinted at.

    This is part of the problem. Inherently, men and women function differently on a psychological level. The way the mind processes information. Should I have heard any of the above "What I said" statements, I would have assumed it would be opening the floor for discussion of Disneyland at Christmas, or perhaps other interesting places to be during the holidays, not immediately that the woman wished to be there. While the subtle inference is there, logic is also guided by context. If you told me "Your shoe is untied," randomly on the street, I would not suspect "I believe the superior system is to double-knot so that this would not be a problem in the future," I would suspect you're saying, "Hey, tie your shoe."

    So, back to the main point.
    So really, is it better to be demanding, bratty and satisfied?

    No. Not really. Don't expect that anyone would respond kindly to constant demand of attention and self-absorbency. On the same vein, though.

    Or coy, subtle and disappointed?

    You're setting yourself up for disappointment here too. By failing to elaborate, you're essentially hoping that your significant other is in the right mindset to pick something like this up, which men are especially infrequently of that mindset.

    Instead, find the happy medium, or provide context. Start talking about where you would one day like to go for Christmas, and provide exotic locales and reasons. Do it early, so he has time to tuck money away. It's not perfect, nor will it always work, but it's the best of both worlds, without compromising too much of either.

    Also, a final note,
    Years of dating experience has taught me that as a general rule, guys are as thick as the Bialowieza Forest when it comes to the ways of women that they love and care about. Which means we, the females, get the short end of the stick.

    You say this, but have you ever considered the alternative? If I told you right now that I personally felt like a burger, you likely wouldn't honor that request. Disappointment comes in all shapes and sizes, and varies from situation to situation, but broad, overly general statements like these are exactly what proves to be a driving wedge between the sexes. Generalizations can be good rules of thumb on the worst case, but you can't lean on them. If you do, you're just as liable to screw yourself out of something that could be as you would be screwing yourself into a miserable situation by ignoring them.

    I think the underlying theme of this whole post is, very simply, "everything in moderation." You've presented us with two extremes, and neither is the optimal option. Gauge yourself, and don't be afraid to be direct sometimes. It's how men usually think, so it's how men usually process. But not always. Never, ever work in absolutes.
  • irishgrrl690@xanga

    As far as getting stuff goes... I don't really want anything from my SO? I mean, seriously? I don't need more stuff in my life. The best gift I can think of getting from him is a hand-written letter. 


    If you want to GO somewhere, it's best to be straightforward:"My friend reccomends that Indian restaurant behind the mall. We should go there sometime! We can make a night out of it."

    That somehow seems a lot more fun than trying to test him and see how in tune he is with what you want. Maybe it's just me, but being "coy" seems like a pretty bad way to get what you want. Being straight forward is a lot more successful :x
  • Royal_Ranger@xanga

    i agree that MOST guyz r like that. but cmon, to generalize like that iz to jus shove it in the face of the nice guyz. there r those guyz who know what they're doin.


    if the guy knows the girl well enough, he'll get the hints. he should know her habits, the way she behaves, everything. even when she say she's not upset, the guy should be able to point out everything that hints at it.


    i mean, im not sayin to that girls should alienate the guys cuz they don get it. im jus sayin that he needs to pay more attention. also, it jus shows how "together" a couple are. u know? if they cant predict each other's moods, it kinda shows that there still some gaps in the relationship. not sayin break up, but sayin that it jus needs more time. the guyz who don get the hint are the ones that take a lil more effort and time into "conditioning." =P
  • lilangle@xanga

    I have the opposite problem...my bf is generally sweet and it isn't even half a year that we've dated yet and i've gotten 2 Tiffany gifts... i am pretty flattered...
  • ToxicWishes@xanga

    You're pretty demanding...and you're trying not to appear bratty even though you're BEING bratty.

    If you want something, say so. If you really think guys are that dense, be upfront and tell him what you want, then no one can accuse you of not being clear.
  • StargazingSuzie@xanga

    With men you need to be straight forward but theres lots of ways of doing it.
    Like wanting to go to Disneyland for Christmas you could say "what do you think of going to Disneyland for Christmas one year?"
    Or the restaurant you want to go to "I heard bout this really great restaurant maybe we should go"
    that way it doesn't sound bratty you're suggesting these things to him.
    Some guys can pick up on hints, some can't.
    Guys think differently to us girls.
  • phuck_diz_shiz@xanga

    I drop hints all the time
    HOW CAN THEY NOT PICK IT UP
    Girls would understand our hints ? WHY NOT GUYS ?
    I mean the hints ARE pretty OBVIOUS -no ?
  • phuck_diz_shiz@xanga

    @StargazingSuzie@xanga - lol English sure is something

    There's so many ways of saying it / getting your point across

    Your way of saying stuff is better - then what the blogger wrote

    but sometimes you just cant* think of the other* way of saying it

    & what comes outda your mouth is that*** --PLUS  you dont really  feel like repeating yourself when the guy doesn't understand/ gets it in the first place

    thats when we get mad and frustrated

  • Choose Identity

  • Give eProps (?)

  • New! You can now edit your comments for 15 minutes after submitting.

About this Entry

    • From: datingish
    • Posted: 12/16/2008 11:01 AM

Tags

Who recommended?

Who gave the eProps?

2 eProps from: