Tuesday, 16 December 2008
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Note To Girls: Conversation Is Toxic
My friend was dating this boy, and he asked if she ever discussed their relationship with her girlfriends. She tried hard to keep a straight face as she reassured him that she didn't.
Of course girls talk about guys. That's often all girls talk about.
I read this Times entry recently about how female conversation can be toxic, as girls communicate so often and analyze so much that they end up with really negative feelings. I cannot recount the endless conversations I had with my friends where we envisioned every single possible reason for why the guy didn't call. I wanted to be the a-hole who said, "He's just not that into you!," but instead, I kept quiet as my friends assured her that his relatives from Zimbabwe came for a surprise visit, and he just didn't have the time to reach her.
I agree, obsessing is toxic.
In college, I found myself having more and more guy friends. If you're hanging around boys all the time, it's harder to complain about them.
I asked one of these guy friends how many conversations a day he and his friends had about girls. He said one or two. When he asked me the same question, I said that there would only be one or two conversations among my friends not related to the opposite sex.
He started laughing, but I find that extremely problematic. I love my girl friends and they do understand me far better than most boys do, but I'm kind of sick and tired of talking about relationships. Surely other things exist, and what happens when your relationship is going well? What do you talk about then?
So, ladies, how many conversations a day do you have about guys? Gentleman, how many conversations a day do you have about the ladies? Do you think that too much talk is toxic?
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Comments (61)
Well to be honest I have no idea. I think maybe 2/3 of my conversation with friends is about guys and then we have the petty stuff like school, our bodies, our jobs. lol
Ah, so she lied to him. I take it that's not unusual then?
Re the topic:
"When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell." - James 3:3-6.
If you always question your relationship how can you enjoy it? A guy who is happy in a relationship, isn't going to want to talk about it a lot.
I think guys focus more on "other things" like cars, sports, computers, gadgets, ect. Guys are more focused on physical things in our world (hence the reason why we are also obsessed with sex so much from a physical visual point of view) whereas women seem to be more involved in relationships, emotions and people and everything that goes along with it, like fashion.
I try not to talk about guys (at least not the ones in my life, lol) with my friends. They're great girls, but when it comes to keeping their mouths shut, they couldn't do it to save their lives.
I hate girls.
It's so fucking ironic that I ended up at a women's college.
Honestly, I do not talk about my relationships with my "group" of girls. I don't want their opinions, they are overly critical girls, none of whom have had a healthy relationship before, and who are extremely biased.
Only when I'm concerned about something do I talk to anyone about my relationships. And even then there are only three or four people I ever talk to about it. One of whom is my mother.
Girls in general are AWFUL about gossiping about their men, which is also part of why I try to stay away from it. It's unhealthy, unappealing, and immature.
I have noticed that girls love to talk about guys though in my experience they are usually using their opinions of what guys should be like to evaluate what guys are saying or doing rather than what guys are actually like. That is not likely to lead to accurate conclusions.
Guys often don't talk about women but when they do it isn't often about the relationships but rather about women in general or its about sex.
Me and my friends talk about guys maybe for a long conversation about each of our guy problems. Not like it's all we talk about though. Honestly, it depends on the girls. Ones that are always getting themselves into so many relationships are usually the ones who end up talking about guys a lot. I think girls should realize that guys are not everything. A guy is not going to wanna be with a girl that has no personality cause all they care about is guys. Not meaning to make assumptions about everyone, but I do know some girls like that. Just have fun with friends and talk about other things, I promise you will have a better relationship with your friends.
In my last relationship, one of my friends commented that I didn't talk about him enough and she thought that was strange. lol
no friends, no drama.
I talk about my boyfriend when asked; I don't just expect my friends to be like, "what's going on with your boyfriend today?"
I get a long with guys better. Ahaha.
Xo
A couple of my girl mates really piss me off sometimes.
i have a private conversation with some of them about me liking a guy then at a sleepover with more people whom i don't all trust they blurt it out as a question, "so do you still like (name here) Laura?"
It really annoys me. So no wonder I don't often talk to my friends about guys I happen to like at the time.
Then they complain about me not opening up to them.
Screw it!
I only have a conversation with my guy friends about relationships once in a blue moon...they only talk when there is a HUGE problem or when I decide to ask...which I frankly don't -- because...its not my business.
The conversations I have with my lady friends - I would say...maybe 50% is about relationships...it just seems they always want to hear about it. I admit its much more interesting because you get to hear from both the male and female perspective...As such I have a lot more opposite sex friends when it comes to conversations - the 'talking'. And I have a lot more guy friends for activity related - the 'doing' - sports, etc.
i avoid talking about my relationship crap to anybody I know. it's gets tiring...
if i feel/think anything, I'll just come vent here on xanga.
I actually speak more with my guy friends about the fairer gender when I'm single, as compared to when I'm taken. Seems like it's more fun to discuss other women when there are no strings attached. However, once I'm actually in a relationship, I tend to be pretty private about things, unless there's something really great in my relationship going on or if there's some kind of problem. Even so, my thought is that a lot of the time, I don't want to rave about my girlfriend as that can make my buddies feel bad. So, all factors considered, I'd say I'd probably talk about relationships and dating a couple times a day, at most.
Also, I definitely agree that obsessing or conversing too often about the problems in a relationship can make matters worse. The issue is that a lot of times, the topic gets passed around so much that it's hard for people to remember what's fact versus what's fiction -- and the conversation only seems to perpetuate these issues. I think girls are so much more prone to doing something like this...what do you guys think? Anyway, not to be critical of anyone because people are going to do as they wish, but I personally think that overanalysis almost always causes people to obsess more about the negatives than the positives in a relationship.
When I was single (not married) and still hanging out with my friend who's single or in a relationship, we barely talk about guys. Maybe ask the ones who's not single how's their relationship is doing but that's about it.
Now that I'm married, I talk about my marriage/relationship from time to time to my sisters and friends. Just the typical 'how we're doing' and 'cute stories' to share with them. I usually don't go the whole nine yards.
it really depends. my best friend and i talk about our respective relationships...a lot. she often complains about her boyfriend and his lack of motivation and whatnot and i often find myself telling her to leave him. she takes a more active role in mine. and it has been more problematic for me as she tends to put things on facebook or myspace about my boy troubles. never her own. it definitely complicates my relationship and it is already difficult enough. so finally i have come to the conclusion that my relationship is best left between my bf and i, especially when its not going too great.
I don't really talk about it much with my girlfriends. The relationship I have with my boyfriend is very complicated and sometimes I believe it's best to discuss that with the one who is involved...unless you have a very close friend who understands you fairly well and wont cast judgment .
On the other hand.. it's always good to have an outside perspective, but whether or not the advice given to you will play in your favor is only known to you. Women can go to the extreme sometimes and tell me to "ditch the guy" even when I love him to pieces...so there is bad advice as well as good.
We don't really talk about boys.. but when a fine ass guy passes by..
*breaks neck.*
DAYMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. hahaa
And I hang out with a lot of guys.they don't talk about girls..unless a fine ass girl passes by =) sometimes..
Ugh, I can totally understand this.
That's why I can't stand hanging out with girls most of the time. They just talk about other people.
Guys talk about ... Things. Ideas. Events. Anything but petty gossip (most of the time)!
This is why I prefer the company of males. :)
Conversation wise, I don't talk about girls that often with other guys. I'm pretty sure we think about it a lot though haha. I sorta already accepted the fact that girls tend to like to talk relationship stuff a lot w/ their girlfriends. I never had too much to hide, so I never had much problems.
I have more guy friends than I do girls so I don't really get to talk about boys often. Me and my friends that are girls will talk about boys a wee bit. Usually it's good things though we don't really like complaining and seeing the bad side of things.
Girl-friends are very influential
We only talk if we have a BF-problem
When its about something positive - we dont tend to share with our girlfriends - its sortda like rubbing it in their face a bit - if they're single that is
Conversation are toxic* - our girlfriends can throw in assumptions that we havent thought of before
& when you think about it - you go : OH YEAH!! THAT A*HOLE IS PROBABLY OUT WITH HIS FRIENDS - SO MUCH FOR STUDYING*
A lot! I'm just so in love. We've been together for 7 years but I am even crazier about him now than ever.
I do however tend to over-analyze everything. Whenever I am deep in thought the BF will look up at me, pause, and say: "Stop thinking creepy thoughts. I forbid it! Don't fight me on this." This usually makes me laugh and brings me back to earth and reality.
This seems to have a lot to do with who the girls are and how the relationship is going, from previous comments. I think a good rule is not to drive anyone nuts on either side...either by griping about your man (c'mon, build him up a little!) or by bragging so much to people who are hurting in their own relationships that it becomes tedious either way. Yes, we women over-analyze because we're largely emotional and are struggling for a complete view of reality. So we go for other perspectives. But the missing element here is conversation between the couples themselves...spend more time talking to your man than your girlfriends, and maybe you'll understand his actions better. :) Btw, I'm a happy girl with my man.