Miss Penguin This is inspired by a comment to
this entry about blaming the cheater, not the the other person. The comment said this:
What baffles me are the people who don't see it coming. Like they had no clue that would ever happen. If they are cheating on you, it's because you aren't giving them everything they need, in some way, shape or form.
Are you kidding me? I already wrote an incredibly long response comment, but I now feel the need to tell my story. I have never told anybody this before, so the only people that know are the people involved, but here goes.
I cheated on my (now ex-)boyfriend. I cheated on him more than once. It was an incredibly complicated, unhealthy, long-distance relationship, but that is no excuse. Was I getting everything I needed from him? No. I did try to talk to him, which is more than a lot of cheaters can probably say. I talked to to him so many times. I tried to get what I needed from him, but he never gave it to me. But that doesn't make my cheating his fault. I cheated because I was weak. I cheated because I was angry. I cheated when I should've just ended the relationship. But I didn't have the strength to end the relationship, so I just drowned my sorrows in the lips of other men.
Cheating is never ever the fault of the person who was cheated on. If you aren't getting what you need in a relationship, you TALK to that person about it. You don't just go get it somewhere else. Grow up! It's not that cheaters aren't getting what they need. It's that cheaters are weak. Most of them aren't even missing anything from their relationship, they just lack self-control. Although I blame society, too. I know I talk a lot about this, but it disgusts me how little people are willing to work to maintain their relationships any more. Relationships take compromise and work, especially as lives lengthen and marriage becomes a 50-75 year commitment. Yes, there's always divorce, but that's the easy way out. And I don't understand why people aren't willing to work for their relationships because, personally, when I invest years of my life into a relationship, I get really upset that it just falls apart. It's like it was all for nothing. Maybe that's why I was so hesitant to end my unhealthy relationship.
Nowadays we're a society that's all about "me me me". "Am I being satisfied?" etc. But relationships are about "us," not about "me." Relationships are about "are we being satisfied?" and, "if not, what can we do about it to make it so that are both satisfied with this relationship?" And sometimes, making sure both parties are satisfied takes a lot of work. I worked for that relationship. I worked hard. But he didn't. And that was the thing that was missing from our relationship that I needed. But that's still no excuse for me cheating. And by cheating, I brought myself down to his level and made it about "me."
I would also like to add, though, that I don't think the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" is true. I have dated many guys and I have only cheated on one. It was definitely a moment of weakness and something I plan on never repeating. Some people do learn from their mistakes, and I feel I have learned a great deal from that relationships (not just the cheating but the unhealthy part). I think I am a much stronger person now. Of course, it is hard to trust someone who has cheated and broken your trust like that. I'm not sure I could forgive or trust someone who cheated on me. Luckily, I have never had to face that decision thus far *knocks on wood*. But people do change, and so once a cheater doesn't mean always a cheater. I should know. I am a reformed cheater, after all.
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Comments (51)
..at least you can admit it.
I totally agree. It's not like (most) people plan to cheat. It "just kinda happens". Learning from mistakes is a good thing.
i agree when in doubt get out
Attagirl for admitting it. I thought, for a second, you were going to defend yourself for cheating. I commend you for admitting your weakness.
Funny how this post comes up not long after I wrote a ridiculously long entry on cheating.
I also agree, "once a cheater, always a cheater" is not always true.
At least you can admit it.
I personally can't be with someone that's so weak to cheat. Even if it wasn't me they cheated on, I'm not going to risk dating them with their already tarnished record.
Thank you for your honesty. I'm sure it will help people understand a little better how this whole dating/commitment thing works.
I cheated once, which is why I say that if you're feeling un-satisfied with your partner, you should talk to them, and if you need something different from what they can give you, then you should break up with them. they're not going to change - why should they? why shouldn't you change for them?
just because you alert them to your unsatisfied feelings, doesn't give you a right to cheat.
be mature and break up with the person before you "hook up with someone else." yes, they will be hurt, but they'll be more hurt if you cheat on them.
wow, thanks for sharing your story. i was w/ my ex for 10 yrs before he cheated on me. cheating is a difinitely a "moment of weakness". no matter how many times you apologize or explain yourself, it doesnt ease the pain for the person that (you) cheated on. in the beginning, i thought he cheated on me because i wasnt good enough for him. no, that wasnt true. i was in fact, TOO GOOD for him and he didnt deserve me. he failed the test that he was being put through. the girl dropped the bait, and he ate it. i deserve better, and they deserved each other :o)
I totally get that in a LDR, as well! I am not saying its okay, but it is a much more vulnerable relationship. I also don't believe once a cheater thing. It only bothers me when the cheater and the other woman end up ''happily'' coupled up, so I suppose that is why the y say that.
Anyway I agree with your comments about working at a relationship and comrpomising. So true, nowadays a relationship gets discarded so easily.
Never thought of it this way. Interestingggg!
I think it really IS a bit of every party's "fault."
Having been a cheater, been cheated on AND been the "Other Woman" cheating situations take a lot of things wrong. There's almost always more than one reason for something like that to occur and the reason is almost always the same: someone is not getting what they want/need/feel they are entitled to.
As the cheater: He didn't ever pay attention to me or care about me outside of being an item. I wanted some attention.
Having been cheated on: I really wasn't every thinking about him at all. I was so focussed on what he could give me that I wasn't even paying attention to what he was asking.
As the Other Woman: I was duped into a revenge plot, guilted and convinced that I was righting some sort of wrong. It helped that I had been trying to get this guy for a while. He finally came to me and I gave in.
Honestly? Cheating is wrong. I don't really care who's "fault" it is. It's wrong and everyone can learn a lesson from it, no matter their role in the game.
I would like to reinforce the idea, however, that there ARE chronic cheaters, and there are those who are simply cheaters of circumstance. Reading this, you've probably made a few judgements about me that I can't correct. Just like the OP, though, all of this occurred throughout the course of one, very, very bad relationship. (I guess that statement is my futile attempt at vindicating myself.)
I have so much to say, but I'll just say "pretty good entry." Although I disagree with a little tiny bit of it.
Well, you won't have a problem dating a cheater then?
I know that since I was unhappy in relationships, but still was willing to be honest enough to end them before beginning another, I don't want to risk MY future with someone who found a good excuse to cheat even once. Sorry...
Very well said...
for older couples.
I'm only a teenager, yes, I'm young, and I've been cheated on by four different guys, and several times by one guy. I strongly believe that they did not cheat on me because I wasn't giving them what they needed. We're teenagers, we don't need much, to be completely honest. We need a shoulder to lean and/or cry on, we need somebody to talk to and occasionally some physical attention. Somebody who will be there. Somebody who gives back, too, rather than takes takes takes. It's really not much to ask.
And I believe that I am a good girlfriend, even if I am being biased.
In other words, what I'm trying to say, is that weakness/the other not giving enough isn't always the cause of cheating.
But, hell, I'm still young. I have much to learn. ;D
<========== Never a cheater...
I always told my girlfriends the same thing...
"If you ever find yourself in a position to cheat on me and you can get away with it, be my guest...Just don't give me any STDs...
If the guilt is that consuming, give me a call and let me know you want to sleep with someone else, I'll end it right there...That way, you won't be cheating...
If any of this really goes down, we obviously wouldn't have a very good relationship and I would be happy to leave your emotionally weak, undisciplined cheating ass for someone that can resist that temptation..."
Honestly, I've given that speech about 4 times...I meant it every time...Don't get me wrong, it would suck, but much better than after the fact...I have no problems with walking away from a cheater because I know I deserve better...
I did give all the girlfriends one loophole...
"Listen (Insert current girlfriend here)...Every year at New Year's you can give me a list of three names of celebrities that you absolutely have no ties to...I will consider you exempt from cheating if you have unplanned sex with any of the people on your list..."
The first girlfriend's list had just one name...
"Brandon Boyd"
HAHAHAHAHA...I told her if she ever had sex with him, I'd give her a high five...
I remember the look on her face when I handed her MY list...hahahahaha...
good for you for being open and honest about this. a problem with our society that may even lead to cheating is our inability to admit weaknesses or uncertainties, and when people are mature and honest enough with themselves to be open and admit their weaknesses others will still look at them with disdain. in any case good entry.
Fantastic post. I agree with allotting blame squarely on the shoulders of the cheater.
But while divorce or a break up might be the "easy way out", sometimes it is also the RIGHT thing to do for the person. While I agree with communicating with your partner, I also agree with breaking up with him or her if you think it isn't working (as opposed to, say, cheating).
I think the reason why people say "once a cheater, always a cheater" is because people in general don't change. I hardly hear cheaters saying the things you said in your post. Good for you!
@ToxicWishes@xanga - Agreed.
I see your point of view and i have to say that the same thing happened to me. I wasnt getting what i needed out of the relationship and i SHOULD HAVE ended it but i didnt. I hurt three people in the process--my S/O, the other man and myself. It was the stupidest thing i had ever done and i know that even though my SO didnt do enough to keep us together and keep me close to him during our LDR, it was all my stupid fault because I KNEW BETTER!! I wish i could take the whole ordeal back but i cant say i regret the whole thing, i learned a lot about myself and i was able to see that i'm human just as much as the next person ( i always felt like i couldnt do any wrong). I took all the good things out of my experience that i needed to and in the end, i feel bad about our relationship falling apart but i know that i'm still young and that life goes on.........would i like to salvage our relationship? Sure. Only if he will support me emotionally like i need to be supported....and i dont see that happening. I know that our society is geared to only care about "me me me" but you only have yourself sometimes so you HAVE TO look out for yourself. I know that once i find someone who is willing to put my needs first as i will do for them, then i will have nothing to worry about when it comes to my needs and wants and goals and dreams because they will make sure that i'm getting what i need just like i will make sure they are getting what they need--until that day though, i am looking out for me.
@whatyourBFreallythinks@xanga - i wonder who your list would be..
haha - i think i can go on with more females than males
i praise you for being open and honest about your past relationship and for doing it because of weakness and not some lame ass excuse some tend to give.
again, i still think there are no excuses for cheating because really there are other methods on how to cope instead heading to the road of cheating.
like some above, it would be really hard for me to know if the guy has cheated in the past because i wouldn't want to risk my future with a what may happen if.
I have to agree, never ever the 'cheated on''s fault.
It's just hard to make them understand that.
I like your view on this. I wish I could be honest like you.
I go with the saying "lose lips sink ships".I have the utmost respect for you.This was very well written and I am amazed that you can be so honest about it. I agree with your last point, that once a cheater always a cheater isn't always true. I hope people actually read and take this to heart.
I agree. 100 percent with you.