Monday, 15 December 2008

• How to Let a Guy Down Easy

  This is a guest blog submitted by Legendairy.

  I had an epiphany this week as I was going about my usual business. In speaking with friends, I found myself in two instances explaining to two different girls how they should go about turning away guys who had developed an interest in them. In discussing it with them, I realized more and more how little most girls actually know about the way guys think and function. It also dawned on me that I could post this information and make it readily available for any and all to read. This can have benefits first to the women, who will finally have a process that works effectively in almost every case, and then to the guys, who will benefit by not having as many women lead them on.

  So ladies (sorry guys, but you'll thank me later when you actually get to keep the friendship for a change), I present to you how to let a guy that is seeking an unwanted relationship down.  Now, this is very important to remember: Guys operate in "chances and absolutes" when it comes to women.  We always think, "what are my chances with her?" and if the answer is not zero, then most likely, it will just be a question of how we can optimize those odds.  So lesson one is this: Speak in absolute terms! 
  

  Here is a simple formula to demonstrate what to tell the guy:

     Blunt Truth = eventual results

  I hope that's simple enough to understand.  Oh, but you don't want to hurt him; you just don't want him to like you.  Okay, I understand that.  The formula becomes a little more complex for that but is still fairly simple.  Are you ready?

     Compliment + BUT + Blunt Truth - Mixed Signals = eventual results

  For example, you could say "You're a really great guy and I like you as a friend BUT I'd rather be conscious though my own autopsy than to actually date you."  It's simple, and to the point.  The guy realizes that there is no chance and he moves on.  Avoid saying things like "I don't think there's anything there."  To a guy this means, "I don't THINK there's anything there... RIGHT NOW."  Without realizing it, you have just led him to think there's still a chance and have completely confused your point.  You have to go out of your way to make it as simple and clear as humanly possible.  DO NOT SUGAR-COAT IT! (that's lesson two)
  

  If you sugarcoat it, you do two things.  First, you greatly risk phrasing things in such a way as to lead the guy to think there really is still a chance. Secondly, by making your point more drawn out and adding complexity to it, you detract from your central theme.  Remember, your purpose in letting him down is to actually let him down.

  But what if he doesn't get it?  Well, you can repeat the process a few times, being careful to emphasize that the guy has no chance at a future with you.  For example: "I really enjoy hanging out with you as a friend BUT if you think there's ever going to be a chance of us getting together, you should know that I'd sooner go swimming with a school of hungry piranhas than to date you."

  Now ladies, you have to realize that this alone is not always enough.  If your actions or phrases do things to mix the signals, you're not going to make your point.  This is lesson three.  Now, for the more persistent guys there are three courses of action you can take.

  Option # 1: Nothing - This is bad because things will only get worse unless he finds another interest by some miracle.  Not a viable choice.

  Option # 2: Cut him out of your life completely - This option is where most women go, and it is the reason so many men think women are a bunch of liars because when they say "let's just be friends."  THIS is where they go next.  This doesn't always work or drive home the point, either.  Also, it's usually the MOST painful thing you can do to the completely unsuspecting guy who almost certainly thought things were okay.  Trust me, this is NOT a viable option if you have and concern or respect for him whatsoever.
  

  Option # 3: Increasing Consequence - Confront him the next time he gets weird (have your words somewhat planned out in advance so you can get it right if you need to).  You tell him that you have told him before that there is no chance and that this has got to stop. Tell him you don't mind being his friend but if he can't stop saying/doing certain things (and use examples) then you are going to have to distance yourself from him...and most importantly, be willing to back it up with action so that he will finally get the idea that his advances cause you to retreat.
  

  It may take a few instances of hurting him, but you effectively program him to at least not do anything that crosses certain set boundaries. This also does him a lot of good because it teaches him how to interact with women.
  

  If that doesn't work, you have to cut him out, but by all means, tell him why you are doing it or he's just going to make the same mistakes again later and not understand why he's getting the same results. (Granted, there are rare extreme circumstances that require outside intervention even sometimes involving the law...I am not writing about those circumstances for the purposes of this post)

  Now, I know what most of you are thinking: "Oh, but I can't say that stuff!  It will hurt him!"  Do yourself a favor and realize up front that you're GOING to HURT him. Period. Now ask yourself if you want to minimize the pain by doing it sooner and cleaner or if you want to drag it out and make it harder for you both in the long run and jeopardize the friendship in the process. 
  

  If the concern is really about hurting him, then your choice is an easy one, though the implementation may be difficult.  Expect to feel almost like you are breaking up with him even though you never actually had a relationship to begin with.  It may not be a fun process, but it is usually the BEST way to handle it.

  Feel free to ask questions in the comment section in case I missed anything.

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